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My girlfriend broke up with me recently on 10/30/2017 we had a great relationship and were the same page. She has two kids and told me her kids are her life. I accepted them and we started going out together. The kids are 2 and 5 one days she was on her way to visit me and she was running late. She was in a car accident someone t boned her on the driver side my girlfriend suffered major broken bones and her daughter was killed in the accident. I’ve been there for her since the beginning. She wanted me there with her at the hospital she even wanted me with her when they took her daughter out of life support. I knew it was going to be hard and I will have to be patient. She recently broke up with me almost a month since the accident. She told me that she felt like she can’t be in a relationship right now and that everytime she sees me it reminds me of that fact that she was on her way to visit me the day that she lost her daughter she said she thought I was being pushy that she not blaming me but she can’t help it that it’s wrong and that she can’t show me the love I deserve or need because of that thought. Ever since then I just left her alone I did write to her but did not get a response. I don’t know what to do I don’t k kw if there might be a way I can get back with her. We both were in love with each other and I still am but don’t know what I should do please help me and advise would help thank you This is what she wrote to me the day of the breakup. I know you're there for me. But I can't open up to you. I just can't, I know you've done all these things for me and I'm highly appreciative. But I don't think that I'm in a position right now to have a relationship. The person I love the most is gone. My daughter is gone. And I lost her on my way to your house. When you were being pushy and needed me there at a certain time you're always so pushy. And I'm not blaming you. But every time I look at you I think about that. It's not right. It's wrong. But I can't help it. I don't want you to be angry. But I can't do this. I can't give you or show you the love you deserve. I'm numb. I hope that you can please understand. I really need some room to breathe. My life seems so surreal. Everyday is getting worse. I miss my daughter so much. All the love I have is for my kids. I don't have anything left of me.

During my angel child's treatment, I experienced anticipatory grief. It was very, very difficult and at times "ugly". When I say "ugly" - I mean emotional, full-blown snot cries and tearful. I know that I will experience grief again - but I don't want to experience that kind of "treatment road" ever again. I watched my child waste away. (Waste is a nice way of describing it.) As a mother, I experienced all kinds of personalities and others who "cared" for my child. It is excruciatingly difficult to watch other people "medically care" for your child, knowing that as their mother, you can't "cure" them. I wanted to trade places. I wanted to jump in the bed and take all - and I do mean all of the pain. It tore me down and it wore me down. My heart ached in a suffocating and paralyzing way. I felt as though my skin was being peeled away and acid was sprayed on my soul. The six weeks leading up to my child's death were the most trying. I knew my angel was leaving Earth and I was trying to come to terms with it while also denying their transition. (So complicated and confusing.) As a way of calming my nerves, I would walk the floor. This was my way of clearing my mind or reseting myself. One night (1am) I walked upon the nurse's station to hear the nurse and one of the techs talking about how I was "crazy". (I was around the corner and I couldn't be seen or heard.) They even used my name in the conversation, unaware that I was around the corner. These are people I respected, liked and even loved. I entrusted them with my child's life. As you can imagine, I was devastated. A couple of days later, again more conversation about my "craziness" in the nurses break room with the door open while I was in the Family Kitchen (directly across from the break room) gathering a small snack for myself. Again, devastation. Hearing those who are charged with caring for my child - calling me crazy - I felt helpless and isolated. I have many, many other examples of surgeons, doctors, nurses and other hospital staff (in 2 different states) who acted and said things in a manner that lacked compassion, bed-side manner and feeling. The nurses and tech situation detailed above was by far the most harmful to me personally. As I prayed and listened in my angel's last hours, I was able to understand that the nurse/tech actions and gossip were due to many things: 1) lack of life experiences 2) they were new to the profession 3) their own stuff. People are not malicious, they just don't know. They don't know how to cope. They don't know what to do. Watching another being (human, pet, creature) suffer and die is tough - no matter who you are or what you do. I came to understand the nurse/techs didn't have a way, time or manner to grieve. Sooo ... I insisted our child's service be near the hospital and at a time that would allow for all of the staff to mourn our angel. I felt it was the right thing to do. That's what my angel child whispered to my heart. (Yes, you can also think I'm crazy. I'm okay with it now.) Our angel's memorial service was full of the people who cared for them during their treatment. Every single one of them spoke a heartfelt thank you for including them in our goodbye. (Yes, the nurses and techs attended who "crazied" me.) I share all of the above because I (along with other families) have a meeting with hospital administration to share our experiences. I have not, nor will I ever name the staff. It is unfair and does not remedy the situation. I have spent a great deal of time praying, listening and talking to doctors I know and respect. The most important outcome for me - I want to be heard. I want future families to have different experiences. I want future families, future mothers to know they have what they need in a treatment situation - not medically - my child was more than taken care of. I want future families to never hear the words "crazy" connected to their name. I want future families to experience support, love and a "present" medical staff. I know this is a new part of my path. I can feel my child whisper, "This is it mom! You need to tell them. They need to know. There is more to do here, mom." I don't have all of the answers. I get pieces of a puzzle. I get pixels of a picture. But I feel it. Since the day my child was diagnosed, when I cry - I know it's it right. I know it's right because it's pure. I know it's right because it's Truth. I have begun a list of experiences and points I want to make. My prayer, I can share without breaking down. I plan on breathing and pausing when I require it. I will have tissue in hand. Thank you for reading. I welcome ideas, suggestions, thoughts ---- and always prayers. Peace & Many Blessings.

A Place Between Three Trees I began going to the woods several weeks after Chloe died. I would lay on the earth and sometimes weep and sometimes feel energy and healing being drawn into my being. I began talking to her. In one of the first conversations I said, "So WHAT, It’s just just over?! After nurturing and growing the deepest of connections, it’s just done?!” I knew that Chloe was physically gone but I didn't believe for one minute that the connection of our spirits and hearts was done. Just because the answer for death as I knew it had always been, "she's happy and you'll get to see her again when you die." There was no way I was waiting that long! And yet, I knew that maybe it wasn't up to me. Still, I was unable and unwilling to accept the only answer that had ever been offered to me. I asked Chloe if it was over. I heard her say immediately, "our relationship is not over, but the language will change." I knew at that point that she was right there and I could pursue my quest to find her and understand what life and death really are. I didn't know what she meant by ""the language will change." I began to study, meditate, pray and feel. Shortly after the message from Chloe, I was reading a book and it mentioned the same idea, that it was possible to continue contact but you had to learn the language of your loved one. And so I gave myself to silence, listening, feeling and being. My senses began to grow and become fine-tuned. I was finding that I could now ask Chloe questions and receive answers. She began showing up in my life. Going to that place in the woods was a necessary place to finding that connection. It allowed me to cry, be at total peace, communicate with Chloe and just sit in silence with her.

As I was driving to my riding lesson I was thinking about healing and felt something was coming to me but I couldn't explain it. Then, a dialogue began and it was as if I was watching two actors on the stage. It was between a character named Grief and one named Life. The experience began with Grief dominating, and Life being dormant. As time went on Life opened up a little crack, but Grief said, "NO, there is no place for you. This is too tragic." Life said in a quiet voice, "I think I feel myself breathing again." Grief responded, "How could you, you've lost everything." As time went on and healers appeared the dialogue got stronger. Lifesaid, "I want to live and breathe." Life became passionate, I want you to stop hurting" Grief responded,"I will never stop hurting, the loss is too profound, you need to let me bleed." And Life said, "You need to let me live." And so the conversation continued. Life believing that living would never be possible with Grief around and Grief afraid that Life would push away the need to honor the profound loss. Life wanted to breathe and dance, Grief wanted to collapse and cry. Soon Life and Grief faced each other, they dropped the tug-o-war rope. Life said, "it is ok for you to cry and hurt for the rest of your life." Grief said, "it is ok for you to live." And so they moved closer to each other. Life knew it did not have to wait for Grief to go away in order to live. Grief knew that it was ok to hurt while Life was opening up. Grief and Life embraced and locked hands and existed side by side. I can't sit and wait for grief to end in order to start living. Grief does not have to go away in the presence of abundant life and growth. When the two can exist side by side, and it is not one or the other, well, that is healing.

Grief and the Brain Exploring information on how the brain reacts to grief helped me in a couple ways. In the early days of loss, I could only process bits and pieces of information. If I received an email asking me to respond to more than one or two questions, I quickly bypassed it, procrastinated or just deleted it. I could have an entire conversation with someone only to come away from it realizing I had heard nothing. At work I had to plan more carefully so as to not put myself in a position of having to make sudden decisions. The process of decision-making was monumentally difficult. Brain-power was just generally not there. I removed myself from committee work and extra-curricular activities so I could apply my brain power to self-care. I now understood why I was having irrational fears and even panic attacks. My right brain was saying that if it was a Sunday afternoon and I was home alone with Dillon, then tragedy was going to strike. There was no separating the past to the present. Where was my left, logical brain when I needed it? It is why anniversaries started producing, not just sadness, but anxiety. My right brain was telling me that what happened in 2010 was going to repeat itself in 2011 as well as all subsequent years. It is why, on the way home from work one day, I went into a panic. I got home and burst through the door in a tearful train wreck, sobbing that Chloe wasn’t okay. It was a tug of war. I knew everything was fine, but that other part of me was saying that what happened in the past is happening right now. When I started to see that reactions could start forming habits of fear, whenever a trigger would appear, I could say to myself, “this is 2012, not 2010.” I could also choose a left-brain activity to help me reset my brain, or to switch over to another channel. However, it took more than mantras and awareness. It took help from Chloe. On the night that I had the train-wreck, sobbing attack was the night I had the dream about the magnificent bird in the sky which appeared and disappeared, leaving the message that "I am always with you whether you can see me or not." The next day was when I received the message about Chloe’s constant presence with me. This is yet another way in which both Science and Spirit have helped me in my grief.