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Hey guys, anyone have difficulty relating to siblings while their parent was ill, ailing or recently passed? My siblings and I squabble here and there about how various situations should be handled, but more than anything, I think we are all paralyzed with fear. In a weird way, we remind each other of mom, and that reminds us that there is a problem. Also, when we do get together it is difficult to find other things to talk about and we often swirl the drain or depressing thoughts and topics related to mom. I know that we will need each other when this is all over, but I'm worried that we are losing touch. It's tough to be around each other right now. Anyone else experience this? Tips for getting over it?
Greetings Everyone, I stumbled upon this site while searching for answers to my current situation. I perused various topics and it feels like a safe place to share my grief. I apologize in advance if it takes me a while to respond as I'm only online 2 or 3 times a week but I feel it's time to share my story...I suppose its an exorcism of sorts...so here goes... My significant other (sigot) have been together for almost 6 years and we're both in our early 50's now. He is the love of my life and until recently it kept getting better and better over the years. When we met, he had been living alone for almost 2 years after being divorced. I’ve been divorced since the late 1980's and had been single for over 6 years when we met. He has a teenage daughter and I have 2 grown sons plus a beautiful grandson. About 1½ years after we fell in love, my sigot made the decision to move in with his mother because she was beginning to get very frail and was concerned about her living alone; she was in her early 80's at that point. She lived in the same town as him and lived near his daughter, too. Before he moved in with his mother, we had talked about living together eventually once his daughter was old enough to drive ands graduated from high school. Through the years that followed, his mother had various health problems and also started to have trouble walking. My sigot lives about an hour away from me and up until recently we would see each other almost every weekend and would talk several times a day, but all that changed this past May when his mother passed away from failure to thrive due to complications with a broken hip. I loved and adored his Mother and she loved me, too. We had a wonderful relationship and I miss her so much. She made me promise her that I would take care of him after she passed and I promised her I would. I would go and visit them through this period as often as I could and offered emotional support to them both. She passed and he was by her side when she passed. After she broke her hip, she had to go to a rehab facility and a week later she refused to stay so he brought her home and then took short term disability from his job to care for her 24/7. This went on for almost 3 months and she slowly stopped eating, became very hostile towards him (dementia set in) but not towards me or her granddaughter. The grieving was hard for both of us and his daughter. About a month after she passed, he said he wanted to “slow things down with us and take a break” all of a sudden. He says he still loves me and cares for me but needs time to “figure things out”. We now talk only 2 or 3 times a week versus 2 or 3 times a day and I haven’t seen him in person for almost 2 months! I am so confused and feel like I’m being punished. He tells me that “I deserve a better boyfriend” and that he “just has to be alone for awhile”. I have expressed to him repeatedly that I am unable to give up on our love and that I am a fighter, not a quitter and that I will give him all the space he needs. I’ve even suggested that we both go to counseling together to work through this difficult period in our life. He just insists that he needs to be alone right now. I want to offer comfort to him and unconditional love but he doesn't want it. My family and friends are just as devastated as I am and they all say to just give it time. I just don’t know how long I can go on like this, it feels like I stuck in a time warp spinning out of control in grief and loss. I promised his mother that I would take care of him after she passed, so how I am to go on like this and not break her promise? Sorry for the long post! It does feel better to just write this all down and share with a group that is going through the same or has gone through the same. Thanks for taking the time to read this xox
mary2016 posted a topic in Loss of a Love RelationshipH, I have been reading on many topics, and has sort of helped me understand. I was wanting some advice,help, anything to be able to understand exactly what I should do. Well, my boyfriend and I have been dating for a bit. He just recently broke up with me, as I am hurt I am also ooh so confused. He lost his dad 7/16/2016, recently. When we got the news about his being ill, he caught the next flight out the next morning. His dad lived almost after becoming ill. He was out in another state for a 1 month. We would facetime often to see each other, because we missed each other soo much. We would tell each other often, and we talk about our days. Well, when they got the news about his dad getting worse and was put on life support, his mother wanted to drive to see her ex-husband. So they asked me to join her. As I did. i left my kids with their dad and left. All because I wanted to be his support, and of course to see him. So, i was already on 24hrs no sleep. So, I drive up there 17hr drive, I made it in 14 hrs. When we get there I am greeted by him at the hospital. Man, was I SOOO HAPPY TO SEE HIM. I got to meet his son and daughter. And the rest of the family, he introduced me to his family as his . girlsfriend/future wife. I thought he was joking but no he was serious. So, while being out there I enjoyed it. being with him as his support, and playing with his kids. Well, there came time that his father could have visitors, soooo his family asked me to go in there with him to see his dad and check him out, and get all the answers for them, because I am a nurse. and I could break it down for them in simpler understanding words. Well, he took me in there. and I met his dad. (tearing up as I type this). He said "dad look who is here , my girlfriend, the nurse, the pretty girl, the smart and crazy funny girl, I told you about the one I really love" I said hi and talked to him. he would sign because he had that ventilator tube in him. He asked to hold my hand. And I did. He squeezed it. And then my boyfriend talked to him, when his dad signed again and asked for my hand. He pulled me in a bit, and squeezed my hand and made a fist and pointed to my boyfriend. I said you want me to punch him, b/c I can't b/c he is sooo tall and I'm soo little. He smiled or tried. My boyfriend told him see dad I told you she is crazy and short. He nodded. He squeezed my hand again made that fist, and pointed to him. All I could say was 'ok I will". We both held our tears and sad we will see you tomorrow, I was leaving the next day, I didn't tell him, but I said I'll see you later ok.. and you continue to fight. and he nodded. well the day I left my bf was already acting funny, but understood that it was too m uch for him. So, I just talked and joked around with the kids.As I was driving I caught him starring so I looked and said "what" He said " I love you" I really do. You drove all the way out here for me and to bring my mom. My kids love you. And I want to get over all this and go back home and do us. And figure out our future. I was like really. cause he jokes alot. He said yes. I was like ok. so days passed dad was removed off life support and still lived 2 weeks after that. We were ok. I kept myself busy with my kids and work. He would facetime me before work. It was all ok. I didn't bother him too much, because I know he was busy. But I get on IG and Fbook and see he is just drinking and what not, which I understood you don't see your brother often so you guys are having fun. Well, then came the day his dad passes. He facetime me that morning telling me that his dad was not to good, and that he was passing away. I'm like i'm sorry, if you need anything let me know. and to stay strong and positive. Well, he asked me for money on top of the $150 I had already sent him. So, I did. Well ever since we spoke less, texted less. Me not understanding how someone griefs. I kinda called him out on it and asked him wat was up and he told me my dad just died does it look like I want to be lovey dovey. THAT is when I understood. So I left him alone on it. I let him call me. mann, he of course would call me at night when he had been drinking and was a bit drunk. We would facetime, and he would tell me that he is just ready to come home. I said whenever your ready. Welll they did the memorial. He stayed a week after that. THIS is when it really got sad,and ohhh so confusing. He told me he was going to come a certain Saturday, and then later during the day says, I'm not going back until 3 wks more. I was like why, he said he wasn't ready. well come to find out he came when he originally said. And found out by social media. at this point i'm more confused like really why lie? So that day came and no text or call. I was like ok cool. U want space i understand. well I get that 3 am phone call and he is telling me why i haven't called or gone to see him. I was like you asked for space. He said come over tomrorrow, i was like ok. Soo here I am and I get all dressed for him. and never called to tell me where I was at, or anything. So, I sent him a msg and he answered with he found out something about what an ex said. I was mad and was like really. I got mad. and didn't say anything. so of course he is like i'm done with you. I was hurt, badly. but I left it alone. Come on Tuesday he called after I had seen pics of him at a bar with one of his good girl firend, who he knows I don't like. caption saying "she drives me crazy" I didn't say anything to him about it. So, He tells me he loves me and misses me and what not. He opens up a little about his father, and i'm just listening. well next day no contact, but see another pic. at this point of course i'm mad and hurt. still didn't mention anything. Well, he comes Thursday and calls me and asks me what i'm doing for the weekend, I tell him nothing boys go with their dad. I'll be alone. So he said lets do something, come over, i was like ok. sooo Friday I get that text telling me he was going out of town for work. my heart sinks to my stomach, I had already gotten my hopes up. he facetimes me and tells me that he would let me know. I was like ok. Well, never got that call, until 3AM, After he was out drinking. He tells me to come over. I was ok,sure. so there I go... We hug and tell each other how much we miss them and love each other. Well, next morning, he was up and was really cold. We are in bed and asks me if he was a a-hole, answered and said you can be, but i love you and standing next to you. Well, he says I think this is why I stay single. I stayed quite, shed some tears without him seeing. And I tell him, your stuck in your ways where you do what you want no matter what. and actually tell him tallk to me. I don't know what you are felling but don't bottle it in, he gets up and says STOP SEE YOUR JUST SOO PERFECT.. I am far from perfect, I've just lived on hell of life and learn. He turns around as I am laying there he hugs me sooo tight, and i just let him do that while I rubbed his back. It was hug that had soo much emotion. Well he gets up quick and says he has something to do and said me too. So, I leave. Well, that was the end of that. He says he will call me later to go to dinner, i was ok. I knew damn well knew he wouldn't. well surprising I don't get that call. well I see on social media a video of him with some girl. and he is smiling. I still haven't said anything, but at this point I feel so disrespected. That sunday I did me. Did not worry to much about him. Untill he post a pic of him drinking and crying. I wait about an hour and then just text him asking " How are you, u ok? He answer yes why. Told him cause I cared and loved him. we is in denial. well, LATER that night tell me. to move on. i'm liike why.. tells mehe is no good for me. Here is where the breakup goies. He got rude and said I'm done with you. I am now lost, and asking why? just tells me he can't anymore. I tell him that he promised he wouldn't hurt me. and said so did others so i'm no different. Im now more hurt then anything. So its been 3 days, I haven't texted or called him. But I have written and typed soo many letters on why, and i don't understand, and to let me his rock. and I needed to furfull his dad's command. He said NO. Well, my question is he really done? Or is he just pushing me way because of the passing? and what should I do? Because I Look on his IG and out pics are still up. and on fbook i'm still tagged in them. hasn't deleted them. I understand he is grieving!!! I am willing to just stand back and give him that space, he wants but again, it isn't fair that he is out there taking pics with gurls and posting them, that litarally hurts. And I deserve some respect. s*** i was the only girl who helped him and was there. I drove out there. I sent him money. I'm not asking for him to not grieve, ive given him his space, but yet goes out there taking pics and him being at the bars. I understand he needs to go out and distract himself, but how long do I have to put my emotions on hold for him. When he has given me every reason to leave him. but can't nor will I. Some ppl are telling me to give him time and he will be back. He is just soo lost. depressed, hurt and sad. I've been wanting to write him and email it to him. letting him know i'm here. and not going anywhere even if didn't want to be with me. or is that not a good idea? and state a bit on how he makes me feel buy those pics. Or should I just let him go????? should I continue to reach out to him every few days? If someone could give me advise on what to do? he is the one person I TRULY fell in love with. and he knows that. And I know he loves me but is just pushing me away. ughhh!!! I'm sooo lost and confused!!! thanks and blessings