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It has been 2 and a half months since my Mom has been gone. We were on a weekend trip with my whole family the weekend she passed. I had gone to her hotel room and was talking to her. It was usual conversation. She had been struggling to get over bronchitis and definitely didn’t sound good that morning. I had told her she needed to get back to the doctor, actually. We were still joking and talking when all of a sudden she said she couldn’t breathe. We tried her inhaler and that did nothing. She said Heather, I can’t breathe. I called 911 and watched her as she turned purple then blue. She fell and hit her head on the nightstand which resulted in a huge, open laceration on her forehead when I got up to open the hotel door for my Dad because he didn’t have the key with him. I got her laid out on the floor and tried to do cpr but I know I was not pressing hard enough. When the ambulance finally arrived they put a machine on to pump her heart for her and they rushed her to the emergency room. They tried to get her back but they couldn’t. The ER physician said she wouldn’t have any brain function. I still don’t feel like it’s real. I was so out of my mind that I didn’t know my family turned down the autopsy and not knowing what took my young mother of only 57 years old is so hard to live with every day. I feel so guilty that I wasn’t doing cpr correctly. What kind of a mother doesn’t know how to do this correctly? I am haunted by the scared look on her face knowing she was terrified and I could do nothing. I watched my mother die. She was my best friend. We talked every day. I relied on her for motherly advice as I am the mother of four little daughters. I feel like I am just going through the motions of my daily life but I don’t feel present. I honestly don’t remember half of what I’ve done since her passing. It’s all a blur of sadness. I feel like it is hard for my friends to relate as they are all lucky and still have their mothers. My husband does understand some of what I am feeling as we lost his Mom a few years back as well. It’s just different because my mom and I shared a very powerful bond that not everyone is lucky to share with their mom. I worry that when we die- we are just dead and that is it. I am questioning my faith more than ever. I am scared that I won’t see her again and I am terrified that after death we are just gone forever. I also find myself obsessively wondering if my mom knows she is gone. She had so many plans and wanted to watch her grandkids grow up. What kind of sense do any of these thoughts make? I just feel so very lost and sad. I replay her last moments over and over again and it is so hard. I know she wouldn’t want me to do this but getting over that is not something I am doing well at. I don’t know how to process or deal with any of this. I have thought about grief counseling but living in Illinois during this COVID pandemic has prevented me from being able to attend face to face grief counseling. I cannot meet with a counselor over a computer screen. It would be too awkward for me I think. I just don’t know what to do or where to go from here. I feel so lost.

I came across this site right before my moms death as I was searching online for grief groups. This group gave me comfort when I couldn't find it around me. Well, its been over a year since my first post and a year as of Thanksgiving that my mom departed this earth. Life has gotten "easier" in the sense of the word that I'm no longer dreading each daybreak. I hit a point where I started working out more, taking care of myself, and forcing myself to find joy. After her death, I moved back where I had people who could hold me accountable. The road was difficult and forced me to feel a ton of emotions that I didn't want to. Yet, a year later. I'm still alive. I got married and found happiness, and even though I'm still grieving, I've gotten to a point where I can cope, because I know she's with me. I can feel her and find solace in that. I just wanted to say thank you to everyone on this board. I wouldn't have gotten through those crucial first few months.

On February 24th, I went to see a friend in the hospital. She had been admitted due to an issue with her pregnancy. The entire time I felt like I was screaming and trying to escape the hospital. I was having panic attacks just entering into a hospital. When I looked at my friend in her hospital bed, I kept picturing my mom. The entire experience was horrific. My mom spent the last 6 weeks of her life in the hospital with complication after complication. I watched as her body shut down and no one could tell me why. I sat next to her bedside and pleaded with god not to take her yet. Even as she was "getting better", I was unaware of the fact that cancer was eating away at her. I was unaware that the procedures the doctors were putting her through were useless because she had no chance at survival. To say the very least, hospitals scare me now. My boyfriend though was next to me and noticed that something was wrong. He's seen me have panic attacks and still smile and try to leave everyone around me blissfully unaware. He rushed the visit and as soon as I went outside, I took a deep breath, holding back tears. Has anyone else gone through this? I worry I'm always going to fear hospitals. Its only been 3 months since my moms passing, but she was young and it was sudden. She had heart surgery, a stroke, developed gangrene, blood clots and on top of it had stage 4 cancer that no one knew about. I feel like I've lost trust in the hospital system.

My mom died November 24th, 2015. She died of cancer after being in the hospital for 6 weeks. She was only 45. She had a stroke prior to the cancer diagnosis and wasn't able to communicate at the time of her death. I was her power of attorney. Right after my mom died, I moved to another state. I moved back to my hometown. I quit my job and moved in with family friends and totally started over. The hardest part of all of this was packing up my moms stuff and placing it in storage. I haven't been quite ready to go through it so this was the easiest solution. In a couple of weeks, I have to go back and get everything from the storage unit. In addition, I'm picking up my moms ashes. She was cremated by the state due to lack of funds. Im not going alone however, I'm dreading everything. I haven't spoken much about her death because I'm just trying to cope with life without her. Those around me are open to "talking about it", but Im just not quite ready to talk about how I feel beyond my fear that I too will get cancer. I try to ignore my feelings but often find myself crying myself to sleep and not wanting to talk to anyone about it. My closest friend knows better and tells me not to shut everyone out. I have a tendency to throw myself into work and shut everyone out and use the excuse of "Im just working a lot" when in reality I'm working a lot to forget. Has anyone else struggled with talking about a parents death?