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Hey, this is my first post ever, anywhere, and I am not sure if I am posting in the right place, but thought I might give it a try. I'll give a little bit of an overview with a background so hopefully I am not repetitive. I just recently lost my 25 year old brother to a heroin overdose...I was living in a different state just waiting a few days later to leave back to my hometown. I got a call from my mom on November 5th and my life changed from there. Now let me tell you, my brother has overdosed 5 times before that (but this last time he was 4 months clean prior). He was struggling for YEARS with drugs but I am not too sure how long with heroin. I remember seeing him "jonesing" and the aggressive, manipulative, withdrawing side of him, but never understood why until my parents told me. Ok so fast forward back to this past 5 months. I was in a different state and my brother called me up asking for money, I contemplated on and on as he sounded so desperate and I needed to figure out what his actual motive was, so I called my dad and asked if he was okay. Conclusion included me NOT giving my brother the money he begged me for. We had a falling out and I, regretfully, did not talk to him after that, but I did not block him, in hopes that maybe he WOULD be better one day and reach out to me if he wanted to talk. I guess I waited too long to go home. I can't help but feel like if he knew I was coming home, that he wouldn't have taken that last shot of heroin. I can't help but feel that I didn't show him exactly how much I loved him, but the old him, the sweet kid I remember. The sweet older brother that defended me, held me when i was a baby and just see the love in his eyes being an older brother. Along side him was my oldest brother, they were BEST friends. I miss my brother so much and I wish so badly that things didn't leave off this way... I don't think I have been able to fully grieve due to the fact I am extremely empathetic, so if I am either busy, on the move, or with someone that is happy or peaceful, I generally feel the same...but in the back of my mind I am depressed. The only way i was ONCE able to get my true feelings out was the day after I got home, I got a 6 pack and went to my friends house and broke down. That was the 1 time I feel I actually started truely feeling the effects of this loss. Ever since then I have not drank, so in hand I feel my mind does not let me go to that place where I need to go to start healing. I feel like I am stuck in a loop with my feelings. I mostly feel regret, anger, and sadness all at once but again, my mind won't let me get that out. I don't know what to do and I am truly hoping that I can get some input on this, because I feel like Im not grieving the right way. Please help

I lost my dad a couple of days ago. I can't believe he's gone, I cannot accept it when i look at his face in the coffin, I wished so bad that he would wake up right now. He left us so suddenly and so soon. I wish i was a better daughter to him, I am just riddled with guilt and regret. I wish I could hold him one more time, I wish I could kiss him one last time, I wish I could tell him how much I love him and need him. That he cannot go and I need him. I wished i spent more time knowing my dad the year before, we drifted apart because he was into a sect/cult and i did not approve of his beliefs and we grew distant. I was angry with him. But i regret it so much, I wish I could undo it all and give him all my love. But I cannot do it anymore and he cannot hear me anymore. I am so consumed by my guilt and loss . I feel like I took my dad for granted that he would always be around for me to mend my mistakes. The months prior to his death he had a stroke and he was recovering, we connected little more but i felt i didn't do enough. Then he had a second stroke, I was away on a trip but I flew right back to see him, by then he wasn't really conscious or aware because of the impact on the brain. The last 2 weeks he was tied down on his bed because he kept trying to escape and scratching himself. I felt like he let go because he couldn't take how his life has turn out to be in the last two months. I feel guilty that i allowed that to happen, I felt guilty I didn't encourage him enough. I was listening to the song "The Scientist" by coldplay and I wish I could go back to the start. Please, someone tell me what can i do.