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I am new to widowhood. I am new to forums. I feel so many things. Yes, right now it is all about me. January 5, 2016 - I wish I could go back for 5 more minutes so I could tell him how much I loved him. I don't know how I found my way here; I'm so glad I did. I need a community that understands the trauma of losing 49 years of my 59 years of life.

The following was posted on a medium's page. A penpal read it and her comment was, "I am ready to die now." The comments have been removed but my penpal isn't responding to any messages sent to her. I'm not sure what she read that made her feel ready to end her life, can anyone else see it? I'm worried about her but she is in Australia. She has lost 2 adult children to suicide. There are no shadows up in Heaven As we all live in God’s pure light There is no sadness, pain, or Anger There are no tears within our sight Here life is filled with love and laughter Our souls are free to run and fly So as you think of me please smile And Please don’t keep asking God why Life there on Earth is just a chapter Of this eternal live we live Heaven is not the end of our life As we have so much more to give You look at me as if I’m gone As if I am not there with you But you see, I am still right here And I was only passing through Part of my path in life with you Was to bless you with strength and love You see it was my time to go and I now watch you from above I watch you as you spread your wings Sometimes you stumble and you fall But know I’m standing next to you I’ll be here with you through it all Days may seem harder since I passed And your nights may feel lonely too Know as you say your prayers to me In Heaven I always hear you May you see signs I send from Heaven Letting you know I’m at your side And please know this within your heart Your life you live fills me with pride Someday this all will just make sense When you join me with God above For now just live life to it’s fullest As I surround you with my love Written with love, Fara Gibson Psychic Medium

My Mom took her own life 5 years ago... and I still haven’t come to terms with what happened. I have frequent flashbacks of finding her dead & nightmares as well. I know the rational side of me knows that it’s not my fault... but the guilt is overwhelming. My Mom was such a kind & gentle soul & would have done anything for anyone. My childhood was anything but oridinary... and I know she struggled with anxiety & depression for a long time. She did however get meds for her depression eventually. I know what I feel is normal but my god I just feel numb... and haven’t been able to cry or express my emotions like I use to. I’m like the therapist to my siblings whom I am extremely close to... and I’m good at listening and offering advice and input to others but I feel like I’m just going through the motions of my day & faking it. I have a great fiancé who has been through a similar situation with his Mom ... and it helps a great deal... because he understands. I don’t know where I’m going with this... just wondering if anyone else feels numb & unable to cry I guess. I suppose that I should add that my Dad was emotionally and physically abusive to my Mom and us kids as well. I watched him tear her down piece by piece... but she refused to leave him.

I met my now ex-boyfriend at the obstacle course training gym he worked at and I knew right away that he liked me. He bent the rules a little and emailed me his number, so we started talking more and I invited him up to take him horseback riding and paintballing while I had time during spring break. Within a few visits (he lives an hour away) he had met my entire family and friend group. We are both very driven people so we were wise with how often we could meet and never wanted to leave each other once we were together. This was my first relationship and he made me feel very secure and loved, he would give me small sweet kisses whenever the situation allowed and I could feel all my worries wash away when he did that. About two months into our relationship my friends of 8 years left because I expressed I felt they had disrespected my mom who’s roof they were living under for quite a while. He supported me through this and gave me an amazing birthday I will never forget. He started a new job just after and I was busy with finals in school so we talked less than we used to, but made plans to see each other. I began to worry when I didn’t hear anything from him because it was unusual for him. He didn’t want me to meet his parents so I had no way of finding out. Eventually he texted me apologizing and explaining that his best friend committed suicide the day prior and he went on a bender with his friends (he doesn’t normally drink). I told him he could talk to me, but that I understood if he didn’t feel like it and gave him space. He then messaged a few days later that it had been a rough few days, I told him I was relieved to hear from him and asked if there was anything I could do. He said he was doing better and talked a bit about the funeral. I asked if he had ever told me anything about this friend but I didn’t hear anything until a week later when he broke up with me because he was not in the right mind set to be in a relationship. I could tell he took his friends suicide hard because he stopped talking to me and that it was the reason for braking up because we were so happy before. I offered my friendship to him because I know that’s what he needs right now, but really I wish I could tell him that if he ever felt he was on the right path in the future and still had feelings to let me know, but I know that is definitely not what he needs right now. I do believe we could be friends because we were essentially friends first and it being my first relationship I was not used to being a girlfriend yet. He is an amazing person and just wants to good in this world and I would like him to be a part of my life, however that may be. Many people say to surround yourself with friends and family but my close friends left and my mom’s brother is dying in the hospital so I don’t want to stress her out even more by her seeing my cry over this. The only other time in my life I was this distraught was when we had to put my beloved dog down (I had never cried or been in so much pain in my life). The hardest part is knowing we would have been great together under different circumstances and little things that remind me of our relationship together. We were supposed to go on a mud run next weekend, but it was moved to a week before his birthday in early September. Mostly I am confused on whether or not I should contact him and what about or how.

It will soon be 18 months since I last hugged my husband. I didn't know that the day was going to end with me being told that my husband of 35+ years had ended his life. I still am shocked that he killed himself. I had no clue. Nothing prepared me for what I was being told. Too often my brain gets stuck on the why. No matter what I might think I will never get the answer. He is keeping it a secret. At night when I need to sleep, my brain is like a freshly wound toy. It's going so fast that it's flipping all over the place. I don't seem to finish one thought before another is jumping in my brain. I need to quiet my brain but the more I try the worse it feels. I have so many questions that need answers. In my rational mind I know that I can not keep torturing myself with questions. I wonder about what went wrong, why he didn't talk to me about what was wrong, would I have been able to fix 'it', could I have stopped him, were there signs I missed, why didn't I know? Was it something I did or was it something I didn't do? I procrastinate and ruminate every time I have to decide something and then I second guess every decision I do make. My brain is working overtime. As I said I know that my actions are not in my best interest but how do I make myself stop? And thus another question to chew on, to digest each molecule, and to hope and trust that the outcome is right... Two days ago I opened my husband's cremains to add to his father's and mother's cremains for spreading by his siblings. They have no idea of the pain I endured opening that bag. As with most things I must do I was alone. Tears were streaming down my cheeks as my hands became covered in the ashes of all that remains of my husband. I am not included in their ceremony. I am not family. This also causes me to question myself and to feel deeply alone. I can not tell my adult son how poorly his aunts and uncles treat me. He needs to feel like part of a family, something I do not have to give him. I am filled with a sadness too deep to measure. It is nearly 3:00 am and my brain is still spinning and jumping. I will be awake for hours yet, until my brain slowly winds down and sleep softens my heart ?

I lost my only child to suicide October 26, 2015. My son brought me nothing but joy, the perfect child. He even earned a large scholarship to a top liberal arts college, a classics major ~ fluent in French, Latin, and proficient in Ancient Greek. He came home from college depressed, we obtained a therapist for him, the doctor prescribed Wellbutrin, which caused a psychotic manic episode they gave him Zyprexa three months later he was dead by his own hand. I raised him on my own, too afraid to risk an unsuitable step-parent. I am now utterly alone. My brother, who I have always been close to, flew in and took care of all of the arrangements and took me home with him 1000 miles from where I live. He is recently divorced and has a grammar school age son. I felt the situation would be a win, win - I feel loved and useful and he gets the help he needs. Slowly, I was able to actually do more than get my nephew off to school, for a couple of months I was able to pursue a hobby I dreamed of as a child ~ a very guilty pleasure, but as it involves animals I found it very therapeutic. My beloved brother then met someone on line, a professional women, very unlike his ex- wife. They had been dating for two weeks the first time I meet her. Literately her second sentence to me was a not veiled suggestion I find somewhere else to live?? Stunned I quickly ended the conversation and calmly left the room. Our next meeting began with suggestions for my employment. I had been previously employed in the same professional position for 20 years, I was on disability ~ I was not charged rent, but covered all of my own expenses. I told my brother, (maybe too many times) how disturbing I found theses interactions. I was told "she is just trying to get to know you"?? I felt forced to get out of the way, to save my relationship with my brother. I was able to quickly get a job back in my old town, but it meant going back to live in the home where my son took his life. I had rented the home and would not be able to move back in for 3 months. Before I left, I asked my brother if he would be able to stay with me when I first moved back into the home. He agreed. When I set the move in date, my brother told me he could not come at that time as he had to work. I knew he would just be returning from an overseas vacation with his new girlfriend at that time so it made sense he might have to work. I let it go. It was accidentally revealed to me over the weekend that my brother lied. He actually went on another vacation with his new girlfriend instead, this time taking his young son with him. She moved in almost instantly when I left and they have been on two additional elaborate vacations since. My brother is coming through town for one day and expects to see me? I don't want to ~ I am crushed, he is the only person I felt I could trust. I so appreciate his generous help for the 8 months immediately following the loss of my son, but how to I pretended all is well between us? Am I expecting too much from him?

I'm having a panic attack... I don't know what to say...As I mentioned earlier, two days ago I felt this enormous pain that my mom was going through about sleeplessness, and I just felt her saying to me, "I am so sorry, I am so sorry, just forgive me, just forgive me..." I was really scared to death, first feeling all that pain, and second feeling about my mom. After that "encounter" with my mom, I started to think that it was actually okay for my mom to commit suicide. Because I really experienced her pain, and I just felt like it was okay. But how can I say that?! For the entire two years after my mom was gone, I was never, NEVER okay with her suicide. I tried so many times to feel okay about it, but I was never never okay until two days ago after that experience. Now that I actually feel okay, I feel like I'm going insane. How can I allow that to be okay? How can I allow myself to be okay with my mom's suicide? If I feel okay with it, does that mean that I'm okay with suicide in general? Does that mean that suicide is just a "normal death"? I am so confused by how I feel. On one hand, I tried so hard in the past two years to get here. On the other hand, after finally feeling "okay" about it, I feel crazy. I feel insane. I feel that I should not be okay with it. It is such a difficult difficult place that I'm in...Please please help me! Has anyone had that experience?Chen

My Mom passed almost five years ago of Cancer when I was 16. She was ill since I was 12. was an incredible Mom, I am so proud and grateful that she was mine. Since her passing, I have felt an overwhelming amount of guilt as I wasn't there for her when she was dying. I was so afraid - I hid in my room on the computer. In a sense, I still do. I experienced deep, overwhelming depression and agoraphobia. It spiralled out of control. Every time I get a job, for example, I become deeply depressed and spiral into suicidal thoughts and actions. I do not know how to stop this. Since my Mom's passing, I have continually dropped out of schools, jobs and relationships. I struggle with keeping my word and struggle to accept myself. A few days ago my Dad told me he is at breaking point and struggles supporting me as an adult. It is not fair to him. In a few weeks, I am starting school again. I really do not want to fail and drop out this time - I want to succeed. Please help me

I have looked around but don't see a current thread on suicide loss. I lost my 15 year old son to suicide in January 2015. I read a lot about it because I'm so unfamiliar with the subject and want to understand the thoughts and feelings of a person considering suicide. My son Matthew kept it all inside, and we have no idea what his internal thoughts were leading up to this horrible surprise. Our lives are forever changed and will always be different, I am learning, and I am trying to accept this fact. I did read a few good books and would love to know if any of you have read any books (not articles) that actually helped in your understanding of suicide. I've read: "My son, My son" by Iris Bolton (EXCELLENT) Understanding Your Suicide Grief: Ten Essential Touchstones for Finding Hope and Healing Your Heart by Wolfelt PhD, Alan D.(EXCELLENT) Dying to Be Free: A Healing Guide for Families After a Suicide by Cobain, Beverly (Kurt Cobain's aunt) (BEST FOR UNDERSTANDING WHAT GOES ON IN THEIR MINDS) The Forgotten Mourners: Sibling Survivors of Suicide by "John's sister" (GREAT FOR SIBLINGS AND PARENTS) Healing the Adult Sibling's Grieving Heart: 100 Practical Ideas After Your Brother or Sister Dies (Healing Your Grieving Heart series) by Wolfelt PhD, Alan D. (REPETITIVE AND SIMPLE, DISLIKED)

I turned 24 a few weeks ago. Usually I make a big deal about my birthday and plan something with my friends, but this year was different. It was my first birthday, first valentines day, first new years, first christmas and thanksgiving without my stepfather. He died of cancer in june, I took care of him. He was more than a father to me- he was a superhero. When I was 12 my mother was diagnosed with cancer- he married her 5 days later and promised to take care of her, my brother, and myself no matter what happened. She died when I was 17, a few months before I graduated high school. I continued to drink and take pills to deal with my pain. I created a lot of art work as well. I also now realize I began submitting myself to unhealthy relationships, in search of love that the other could never give me. Two years later the homicide department knocked on my door. These officers sat me down to tell me my real father had killed himself. My heart shattered. He had been unemployed and battled with his own depression and money problems. I'm not sure I ever really dealt with this loss. until now at least. Over the summer, when I became a caretaker for my sick stepfather, I prayed to my dead loved ones, for strength to get through another day. It was so taxing. so stressful and unusual for me. After he died, my whole turned upside down. Not only was I taking on -all at once- a whole swarm of responsibility i never had- to pay bills and watch over myself... A few months of living in my childhood home- my aunt, the homeowner- essentially kicked me out. Told me they were going to sell my house this spring and my drunk uncle was coming over everyday to tear apart the floors and paint. I had to move. and I did. I've lost my health insurance recently. another obstacle for me. The executor of my stepfather's will has shown her true colors- and made it clear that she is neither a good person or a part of my family any longer. I'm not sure where to get the help I need, within the low budget i have. I need support-from real people.