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Last evening I came to a realization, an epiphany if you will, about who I have become. I am four and a half years now on this grief's journey which is enough time to have made this discovery. I now understand who I am and how I shall be for the rest of my days. I had responded to a post about triggers and thought about the changes I have made in my own home when later as I was sitting, thinking, and looking about the room that I haven't actually had a trigger moment in my house for years. My home is still filled with Kathy's memory in the furniture, décor, tableware, and so many things yet they have not triggered a sad memory in so very long. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that my trigger moments were happening when I was away from home. When I travel, shop, eat out, and yes even at work, I have moments when sorrow creeps in. It's not the object. It's not the smell, sound, or taste that does it. It's just simply her memory. It just comes into my thoughts so many time during my day. Every night when I go to bed I think about how much I love her and think again with my first thought as I awake. It has been that way since that first night. I now realize that it will be that way for the rest of my life and that isn't such a bad thing. What I understand now is that this is who I am. I know beyond any doubt that I will live this way, functioning quite well as I explore life. I know I shall always be a bit lonely but it is my choice to be without another relationship. This new me who is called widowed, will function in society, pay his taxes, and seem outwardly okay. I will however still have those sad moments and find sanctuary when I get home. For there I can let it out and not puzzle those who don't "get it". I will still travel, enjoy my sons and grandchildren, and dine with friends, but I will still be alone. This is who I understand I have become and will always be. I am so very okay with that. I just understand that I am no way anything like I was before she left. After enough time, don't we develop a good understanding of who we are? For me, last night was the moment.......... my moment. I am simply put, just Steve, not Steve and Kathy.

Often on my journey I have found myself confused. I want to express a feeling but I'm not entirely sure what it is. My dilemma comes from a trip I took last weekend that I wanted to make. No I needed to make! I am in my last few weeks of flying which though inevitable, is still another loss but that's how it goes. But it's so hot here in the center of the "Stinking Desert National Park", and I had to go somewhere cooler. I flew to Santa Barbara and a quick drive from there to a sleepy Scandinavian village of Solvang where Kathy and I would go every few years. I have been on many trips alone now but this was bound to have triggers galore. Of course where would that not happen? So I go anyway and why? Because I refuse to stop living and it honors her that I do. It's like I always say, why be miserable at home when you can be miserable on a trip? So I went and I found feelings new to me. I felt like a new man, not refreshed, not enlightened, but different. I was not the same man I was a month ago. I don't know how to express being someone you don't recognize. My outlook was changing. I was morphing again. The area is major wine country and Kathy and I grew to love wine there. I made the rounds and brought back 20 bottles. I noticed but was not surprised that I was the only single person at every vineyard I went. It was either couples or groups of couples holding hands, sharing wine and cheese. It didn't upset me. Romantic was the mood and charm is the draw. They were in love. It's what they do. I've been one of those couples. I'm not part of that now. I don't wish to be part of that. I have no desire to be there again, holding hands and saying those words. I just can't love two women at the same time, but that's just me. What I did discover was that I didn't feel out of place. For the first time in years, I liked being who I was among people I didn't blend in with. I realized I was unique. Most people like me don't go to those places alone perhaps because it is too painful to try or they are too afraid to travel alone. I can understand that but I refuse to let it stop me. I know one day I will be too old to do it and I refuse to become an old man grumpy and muttering "I should have done it". Kathy would never have stood for that. I'm going to Maui next month for my anniversary. I'll make it through that one too and it gets better every time I do it. So if you've read this far, take a moment to think about what I've said. I hope you can express here what you would like to do. If it seems too difficult or scary, grab my hand and I'll help you up. If you've already done some traveling as I know many of you have, share it here and give courage to those who have yet to take that first step. Stephen

Grief and the Brain Exploring information on how the brain reacts to grief helped me in a couple ways. In the early days of loss, I could only process bits and pieces of information. If I received an email asking me to respond to more than one or two questions, I quickly bypassed it, procrastinated or just deleted it. I could have an entire conversation with someone only to come away from it realizing I had heard nothing. At work I had to plan more carefully so as to not put myself in a position of having to make sudden decisions. The process of decision-making was monumentally difficult. Brain-power was just generally not there. I removed myself from committee work and extra-curricular activities so I could apply my brain power to self-care. I now understood why I was having irrational fears and even panic attacks. My right brain was saying that if it was a Sunday afternoon and I was home alone with Dillon, then tragedy was going to strike. There was no separating the past to the present. Where was my left, logical brain when I needed it? It is why anniversaries started producing, not just sadness, but anxiety. My right brain was telling me that what happened in 2010 was going to repeat itself in 2011 as well as all subsequent years. It is why, on the way home from work one day, I went into a panic. I got home and burst through the door in a tearful train wreck, sobbing that Chloe wasn’t okay. It was a tug of war. I knew everything was fine, but that other part of me was saying that what happened in the past is happening right now. When I started to see that reactions could start forming habits of fear, whenever a trigger would appear, I could say to myself, “this is 2012, not 2010.” I could also choose a left-brain activity to help me reset my brain, or to switch over to another channel. However, it took more than mantras and awareness. It took help from Chloe. On the night that I had the train-wreck, sobbing attack was the night I had the dream about the magnificent bird in the sky which appeared and disappeared, leaving the message that "I am always with you whether you can see me or not." The next day was when I received the message about Chloe’s constant presence with me. This is yet another way in which both Science and Spirit have helped me in my grief.