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New to site and falling apart


kerry88

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Hello, Im kerry and I am new to this site. I seeked out this site as from tomorrow marks 13 weeks since my granddad passed away and I am feeling like the odd one out in my family as I am having such a hard time. I go to his grave almost everyday to feel close to him and I sit and cry. He passed from pulmonary fibrosis (we had no idea of the reduced lifespan with this we weren't informed).He had a terrible time suffering in the last 48 hours of his death and I was there by his side at the hospital witnessing him crying and pleading with the family to take him home. I have many regrets as to why I didn't take him home (I thought hospital was the best place) and everytime he tried to get up and go I put his legs back into the bed I was still clinging on to hope that he could recover in hospital and they could make him comfortable and now I think I should of insisted he die at home as that's what he wanted I find this hard to accept. I think if he had died in his sleep I would of had more comfort he didn't suffer like I saw he did. I have struggled and got ill the last few months and I do accept he is not coming back but I really cannot accept the sweetest man I know had to suffer to the end so horribly that he would cry and begged to die. I cannot stop crying when I think about them horrible last hours and I am just very low.

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1 hour ago, kerry88 said:

Hello, Im kerry and I am new to this site. I seeked out this site as from tomorrow marks 13 weeks since my granddad passed away and I am feeling like the odd one out in my family as I am having such a hard time. I go to his grave almost everyday to feel close to him and I sit and cry. He passed from pulmonary fibrosis (we had no idea of the reduced lifespan with this we weren't informed).He had a terrible time suffering in the last 48 hours of his death and I was there by his side at the hospital witnessing him crying and pleading with the family to take him home. I have many regrets as to why I didn't take him home (I thought hospital was the best place) and everytime he tried to get up and go I put his legs back into the bed I was still clinging on to hope that he could recover in hospital and they could make him comfortable and now I think I should of insisted he die at home as that's what he wanted I find this hard to accept. I think if he had died in his sleep I would of had more comfort he didn't suffer like I saw he did. I have struggled and got ill the last few months and I do accept he is not coming back but I really cannot accept the sweetest man I know had to suffer to the end so horribly that he would cry and begged to die. I cannot stop crying when I think about them horrible last hours and I am just very low.

Hi Kerry, first of all I am very sorry for your loss.  I am glad though that reached out here.  You are grieving so everything your a thinking and feeling is normal.  I lost my dad in June and I feel the same way....why didn't I do this or what if I would have done that.  The only thing I can say is you did what you thought was best at that moment.  I know second guessing ourselves is very easy to do.  I just discussed this with my therapist last week.  There is no easy answer.  Everyone grieves differently so don't feel like the odd one out of the family.  Don't hold back your feelings.  You are not alone.  Prayers and hugs coming your way.

Cheryl

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Kerry, Welcome here, I'm sorry for your loss of your grandfather.  You are wondering why you didn't take him home...had you done so, right now you'd be wondering why you didn't take him to the hospital.  It's easy to beat ourselves up later on with the what ifs, but at the time we're truly trying to do what we feel is best and sometimes there is no "best", they'll die regardless, but we have to know we tried to get them the best help we could.  I feel the same way about my husband because he died in the hospital, suddenly and unexpectedly of a heart attack, yet they wouldn't let me be there with him when he died, and I wonder, what if he'd been at home...but then I'd wonder what if I'd gotten him to the hospital, could they have saved him, see, there's no best way, just what we know at the time.

Your grandfather knew you loved him and you were with him and somehow I think that matters most of all.

 

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Experiencing death with a loved one is a traumatic experience, especially if you were there in the very last days.  Guilt is a normal part of grief unfortunately.  It seems that everyone on this site has found some reason to blame themselves for causing or making the situation worse, or failing to make it better.  Please don't blame yourself for your grandfathers last days.  Most people would have felt the same.  We are all used to considering hospitals healing places and we want to believe it can work for everyone even in dire circumstances.  There is a very likely possibility that even if you had taken him home he would have returned for some reason, either to seek more medical care or because other family members would have panicked.  

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Kerry my heart goes out to you  I know it is easier said then done but do not blame yourself it was out of your control we are all or have dealt with guilt, I have only recently started forgiving myself and my husband( a long story) guilt will not bring back you grandfather I know it hurts right now and you feel lost, empty, confused all of which are sadly part our grief journeys hold on to good memories of your grandfather and remember his love and kindness which I know right now is hard, you will find a path that works for you just take baby steps, even one breath at a time know that you are not alone we are here and understand your pain hugs

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Thank each and every one of you. I appreciate all your comments. This week I have been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and the professor thinks this was caused by an emotional trigger which would be the most likely traumatic event of watching my granddad die suddenly. I do put a lot of blame on myself e.g. for the days I went to work and only visited in hospital for an hour now I kick myself as too why I didn't take the days off and like I mentioned before I blamed myself for not taking him home when he plead and begged me in his last hours as I still denied that that was the end and the hospital could save him. I also am sad that he had this condition which he dismissed to be an additional illness to his COPD but nothing sinister when if I had just researched it I would of seen pulmonary fibrosis was a death sentence of 5 years or less (He was diagnosed in 2013). I would of known then how precious time is (as like many of you I did at time take time is granted and I don't anymore) I wish I had known I would of made his last years more comfortable I am all full of what Ifs and always have been since June. I know that doesn't help I feel like I have not accepted the death yet,  I had not had a significant loss in my life before him. This kind of intense overwhelming gutting grief is all new to me thank you so much for your kind words

 

 

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The loss is still very fresh. I think it's normal at this point to still be feeling a lot of hard emotions.  The reason you didn't visit him in the hospital as much as you wanted probably had to do with the fact that like most of us, you need a job to survive, and attendance is mandatory to keeping job.  I hope in time you can come to blame yourself less for what happened.

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Kerry  you have nothing to feel guilty about you did the best you could, you could try apologizing to you granddad if it helps, I apologized to my husband almost everyday until one day I just decided to forgive myself for not being a perfect person because no one is  we all do the best we can the pain will never go away but it will not not always be so intense I am sure your granddad knows you loved him and he would not want you to blame yourself grief is hard one of the hardest things we will ever face, be gentle on youself

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Kerry, you weren't his doctor, if anyone should have found something it should have been them.

I'm sorry for your diagnosis, I worked with someone that had that, I hope your doctor gives you some information that will help you in dealing with it.

Try not to be so hard on yourself, you've been dealing with a lot, the best way you know how.

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On 9/28/2016 at 5:21 AM, Finch said:

How do people get through the days that are really bad? The lowest days, in comparison to a normal day. The low points on the graph.

Do people ever analyse why those days are especially bad? When you miss them the most. Is it triggers? Patterns? Human nature? Chemicals in the brain?

It's so exhausting. Is this the way life has to be now?

Falling apart too.

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Can you live in the house while they're selling it or has it already sold?

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Have you called Human Resources or Social Services to see if they could be of help?  There is a homeless person that goes to our church, she's way off mentally so that none of us feel safe taking her into our home, but our hearts go out to her, yet the gov't is going to help her get into housing.  There has to be someplace that helps those that need a hand up.  

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