Finch

Getting through the really bad days of grief

35 posts in this topic

How do people get through the days that are really bad? The lowest days, in comparison to a normal day. The low points on the graph.

Do people ever analyse why those days are especially bad? When you miss them the most. Is it triggers? Patterns? Human nature? Chemicals in the brain?

It's so exhausting. Is this the way life has to be now?

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I've been going though this everyday although I get bits of relief here and there 

It's truly awful

 I miss my mother so much I can hardly move and on top of that I have so many business affairs to tend to. I wake up like a mental patient.

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Triggers can have a lot to do with it, but many things set off triggers...a need you have in your life, a memory, any of the senses can bring it up.  Bits of routine that are now altered.

As we begin to get used to new routines, it helps us adjust, but always we'll have triggers.  I've learned to accept therm and not fight it, just go with it, cry when I need to, feel the "missing them" pain.  Grief lives with me now.  It's not all doom and gloom though, I've given myself permission to smile, learned not to feel guilty if I have a moment of happiness...it is to be coveted not shunned.  I've learned that the missing them continues but the pain comes and goes.

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Accepting that this is how things are always going to be - the ups and downs - in varying degrees, is hard. It's not how I want my life to be or how I imagined it would be a few years ago or when I was a child. Not that anyone chooses this.

It makes it hard to imagine how to live with in the long term. With this sadness. It's like a damn prison sentence. Nothing you can do to change it. All you can do is try your best to serve your time the best way you can without going insane or trying to escape.

I know it takes time and my outlook may change. I want to believe that there is hope for happiness in the future. It's difficult to hold onto hope when swimming in darkness.

I just want to rip a hole in reality. This fake reality.

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I think the sadness loosens it's hold considerably as you begin to adjust.  It ISN'T ever like it was before, but we do get better at this.  Understand, some people never have the kind of love we found and their life is never much better than this...only difference being they don't know what they're missing.

I don't think this is a fake reality, this is our life.  It is and continues to be what we make of it...believe me, I know how hard that is, it took me longer than I care to say, but somewhere along the way, it's better.,..to a point.

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Finch I believe your pain is much like mine.  Although your beloved did not choose to die, for you it is much like a suicide.  The unfairness of it.  Not knowing what she was thinking and not being able to be there to help her (prevent the death).

This is a very hard journey.  Some days I deny the reality just to be able to function.  It is especially difficult when I wake up at night in the darkness and feel so alone.  I tell myself that I won't feel this way forever, hoping to convince myself that a life will return.  I want a life, not just spending time being alive and living just looking for relief from the grief.

Take care.  I'm thinking of you across the big pond.

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Finch I am so sorry you are having such hard days my heart goes out to you, it is a very hard path we are on and yes it does feel like we are swimming in darkness sometimes but it is the price we pay for love and I will take this prison sentence because I was blessed to of been loved so unconditionally we all were I truly think in our own time we will find our peace and be able to walk through life with there love and spirit right beside and be able to enjoy life to some extent it just takes time it will not be easy and we will be knocked down to the point that we will think what is the point to get back up but their love is our reason to get back up and keep going you are in my thoughts hugs

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Awesome reply Robin!  I think that this information is worthy of gold lettering on a beautiful photo.

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On 9/29/2016 at 5:00 PM, Widowedbysuicide said:

Finch I believe your pain is much like mine.  Although your beloved did not choose to die, for you it is much like a suicide.  The unfairness of it.  Not knowing what she was thinking and not being able to be there to help her (prevent the death).

This is a very hard journey.  Some days I deny the reality just to be able to function.  It is especially difficult when I wake up at night in the darkness and feel so alone.  I tell myself that I won't feel this way forever, hoping to convince myself that a life will return.  I want a life, not just spending time being alive and living just looking for relief from the grief.

Take care.  I'm thinking of you across the big pond.

Thanks Marita. Your support means a great deal to me and I'm thinking of you too. I'm sorry you have those moments of darkness in the night. I can relate.

I sometimes step outside my body and look and myself and wonder how this all happened. Who is that person? I do not recognise him. I feel a bit like I am in Invasion of the Body Snatchers. 

It is the Jewish New Year today. The first one since I lost her. I don't want to celebrate it. Not without her celebrating it with me.

 

On 10/1/2016 at 5:20 AM, rdownes said:

Finch I am so sorry you are having such hard days my heart goes out to you, it is a very hard path we are on and yes it does feel like we are swimming in darkness sometimes but it is the price we pay for love and I will take this prison sentence because I was blessed to of been loved so unconditionally we all were I truly think in our own time we will find our peace and be able to walk through life with there love and spirit right beside and be able to enjoy life to some extent it just takes time it will not be easy and we will be knocked down to the point that we will think what is the point to get back up but their love is our reason to get back up and keep going you are in my thoughts hugs

Thanks Robin. Those are wonderful words. I would pay that price over and over to have shared the love I shared with Crystal. It was indeed a blessing, even with all the regrets I have about the would haves and should haves. I want to have hope for the future, though it's about as scary as it can be. I can't even begin to think about how to love anyone else or have children of my own without sharing that journey with her. I don't want to.

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Finch you are so right it is scary to think about a life without them I am still at a point where I can not think to far in advance maybe one day, while finding someone else is ok for some people I am right there with you no one will or can replace my Kevin hugs to you Finch you are in my thoughts.

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I feel your pain, Finch, Robin, Marita.

Robin, I STILL can't think very far ahead.  If I do, it invites anxiety.  I have to constantly bring myself back to TODAY, to NOW, that's all I can do.

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I'm sorry, Finch. :(

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2 hours ago, Widowedbysuicide said:

@Finch how are you doing?

 

you are often in my thoughts...

Hey Marita,

Thank you :)

I really appreciate it.

I'm ok. It's been rough recently, compared to the recent average. But today has been ok-ish and I feel better than when I last posted in this thread. Typical for a weekend when I have more thinking time anyway. My main feelings at the moment are a sort of... confusion, feeling like I am in a wilderness trying to find a way through. Feeling like I am not entirely sure who I am anymore, what my values are, what I believe in, what I want to be. Would Crystal recognise the person I am becoming, I wonder. Can I live up to being the person she saw me as? I don't want to let her down. She always believed in me.

Tomorrow I see my grief counsellor so I will talk all this through.

I hope you are doing ok?

 

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I'm happy to see your reply and that you are feeling better than you were.  

I can't imagine what this journey is like for you.  I often think I have it worse and then I think about the people on here and I see that each one of us has it the worst.  

Are you able to talk to anyone near you about how you are doing, friends or family...  Grief is a heavy load to carry alone and I hope you can find someone in addition to a grief counsellor to help you.  

I'm doing reasonably well.  It has been 10 months and I guess I'm getting used to the loneliness.  It's been 13 years since my father passed.  My two most favourite men are gone from my life.  Both of them were a great support for me.  With them both gone I'm lost and in need of a male friend whose shoulder I can cry on and hear him say, "It will get better."  There are so many things needing doing here and I don't know where to start.  Who to trust is a big issue for me.

Life without hope is so hard.  I'm going to feel better when I can get out of the rain and gloom.

Take care my friend.

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Hi Marita,

I have people who have been there for me in varying degrees during my grieving. My two sisters, my parents (sort of - it's complicated), they have done alot to support me. I still feel 'alone' in my grief, or maybe that's the loneliness of being without Crystal. Unfortunately my grief counsellor was ill and missed our last appointment. I am seeing another one tomorrow (I see two... which is a bit strange, but I am slowly weening off of one of them).

I'm so sorry you feel so alone after what you have been through. It's not fair, is it? I am here to listen.

How are you today? Is the weather a better prospect at least? I am missing Crystal so much today. I miss her laugh and her jokes.

All the best to you

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Hi Finch.  It's good to know that you aren't totally alone on this journey.  I don't have much support from friends or family so I am very, very thankful for the wonderful folks on here.  I can understand how you are missing your Crystal.  It isn't fair for any of us here.  I hope you have success with the new councellor.  I'm sending you best wishes too.  I will have to find where you are on a map.  If I ever get over that way I can wave as I fly over.  I have family in Scotland, England, and France.  I hope to make a trip in the next 5 years.

Our weather forecast is not anything to look forward to.  More rain.  Much of my property is underwater right now.  Thank goodness that at least the buildings are still on dry land.  One of my horses hates water so watching her try to maneuver around out in the field is entertaining anyway.  I'm doing a couple of mental health courses right now and I'm almost too busy with it.  Some is good but some is a real struggle for me.  Mindfulness is one that I go to weekly for 1 1/2 hours, we did chair yoga yesterday and so I'm kind of broken today.  My body made popping and snapping sounds with some of the movements and my sternum was the worst!!  It hurt but the sound was so loud that I burst out laughing.  Tomorrow I go for Reiki and that is peaceful. The other mental health thing I'm doing is on line and it is to help with anxiety and depression.  I might be doing too much because I'm having to stifle my grief to be able to do the other stuff... Time will tell I guess.  Thanks for listening.

If you happen to be having tea with the Queen please let her know that I am impressed that she still rides :) I hope you got a smile from that thought.  Be well my friend.

 

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Marita, I'm not sure where you live, I wish it posted it under our avitar so we didn't have to go to each person to look it up, my memory isn't always terrific.

I hope some of the moisture seeps into the ground so your poor horse gets some relief!  Gwen was mentioning it getting dark early, about 4:50 pm.  I don't drive at night so my life has narrowed until Spring/Summer.

It sounds like you're doing a lot of things to help your mental health, I hope it all helps!  They don't have all that stuff here, I'm in the country and whatever they do have seems like it's always at night when I can't attend.  Thank heavens meditation can be done from the comforts of one's own home!

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On 11/9/2016 at 1:52 AM, Widowedbysuicide said:

Hi Finch.  It's good to know that you aren't totally alone on this journey.  I don't have much support from friends or family so I am very, very thankful for the wonderful folks on here.  I can understand how you are missing your Crystal.  It isn't fair for any of us here.  I hope you have success with the new councellor.  I'm sending you best wishes too.  I will have to find where you are on a map.  If I ever get over that way I can wave as I fly over.  I have family in Scotland, England, and France.  I hope to make a trip in the next 5 years.

Our weather forecast is not anything to look forward to.  More rain.  Much of my property is underwater right now.  Thank goodness that at least the buildings are still on dry land.  One of my horses hates water so watching her try to maneuver around out in the field is entertaining anyway.  I'm doing a couple of mental health courses right now and I'm almost too busy with it.  Some is good but some is a real struggle for me.  Mindfulness is one that I go to weekly for 1 1/2 hours, we did chair yoga yesterday and so I'm kind of broken today.  My body made popping and snapping sounds with some of the movements and my sternum was the worst!!  It hurt but the sound was so loud that I burst out laughing.  Tomorrow I go for Reiki and that is peaceful. The other mental health thing I'm doing is on line and it is to help with anxiety and depression.  I might be doing too much because I'm having to stifle my grief to be able to do the other stuff... Time will tell I guess.  Thanks for listening.

If you happen to be having tea with the Queen please let her know that I am impressed that she still rides :) I hope you got a smile from that thought.  Be well my friend.

 

Marita, I will be sure to pass on my regards to the Queen when I next see her. We usually play Croquet every Sunday.

Chair Yoga sounds pretty hipster. Good on you for giving it a go.

I once did an anxiety thing online, it was called Fear Factor. Mainly using CBT techniques. It was a few years ago. At the moment I keep being told by people that I must work through my grief before trying to tackle the anxiety side of things, doing mindfulness etc, because it's supposedly not good to try do so so when clouded by grief and depression. But it all feels so interlinked.

I live in Buckinghamshire, just north of London, so still in the South East of the UK! I will wave back when you fly over. 

Crystal visited England (and Wales) twice. She loved it. Her grandma was born in England before moving to the US, thus making Crystal a percentage English, which we used to joke about. I kept increasing the percentage of her Englishness the more I taught her about English things.

 

 

 

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Thanks for the reply Finch.  I really enjoyed the smiles I had from your fun message.

I'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.  We all need someone to be cheering for us.

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3 hours ago, Finch said:

At the moment I keep being told by people that I must work through my grief before trying to tackle the anxiety side of things, doing mindfulness etc, because it's supposedly not good to try do so so when clouded by grief and depression. But it all feels so interlinked.

I'm not sure which people are telling you this, Finch, but you might ask your counselor for his/her opinion. Usually it is the other way around. I don't know how your anxiety and depression manifest themselves or how badly they impact your life (agitated? Unable to sleep? Appetite disturbances? Lack of energy?), and I don't know what strategies you're using to manage them ~ but if grief is clouded by depression and anxiety, it can be awfully hard to focus on and pay attention to the work that grief requires.  It is when the fog of depression begins to lift and you feel less anxious that you're better able to address your grief and confront its unique challenges. 

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Sorry, I got a bit confused in what I was trying to convey. Yes, I was told to tackle the depression and extreme anxiety first - which I have done with anti-depressant meds. To make the grieving easier and to allow me to have a clear head to engage in things like mindfulness.

With the anxiety though, that's something that I've had my whole life, amplified now since losing Crystal. I have done alot of work to reduce the more extremes of it but it is part of who I am and part of the reason I never met Crystal in person :(

They manifest mostly in panic attacks, which had actually subsided until my recent visit to the medium, after which they returned with a vengeance and actually, since then I've been on a downward spiral. I feel more despair. I wonder if my anti-depressants need changing. Or is it just the pattern of grief? I don't know.

Energy wise I am ok. I am doing exercise regularly. My diet is fine. My sleep patterns are a bit unpredictable and I occasionally have private fits of rage.

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