Struggling to forgive my siblings

[Edward]

Hi everyone. I am new to this site and am struggling with the loss of my mom 2 and a half weeks ago. The pain of losing her is only made worse by the negligence of my siblings which indirectly contributed to her demise.

My mom was diagnosed about a year ago with chronic anemia. She survived cancer years ago, but the chemotherapy left her body unable to produce hemoglobin. To make things worse, for years she suffered from a rare digestive tract infection which left her unable to eat more than 5 things... and in the last months (April of this year) Anemia debilitated her to the point where she would only get off bed to eat and go to the restroom.

I have 3 other siblings, two of which live in the same city as my mom. My younger sister took care of her for 7 years including a couple of years after her cancer operation. During that time she would always complain that she was the only one taking care of my mom, but in reality she used my mom as free daycare and would take advantage of the money I sent my mom during that time as remuneration for her care. When my mom finally drew the line, they parted ways and my mom went to live with my brother; my sister wouldn't speak to my mom for years afterwards; besides my brother and sister had a feud for many years, so my sister would have another reason not to contact my mom during that time.

My brother is a single, free spirit new-age-thinking man without a stable job who has never sacrificed anything for anyone and while he sincerely loved my mom, his notion of taking care of her was to "give her independence" and let her take care of herself. This worked out well during the 4 years she lived with him, as my mom was fiercely independent. He lived with very little and was insensitive to my mom's most basic needs; and yet, that's where my mom chose to live. My older sister and I asked her to move with either of us, but that would have implied a major move, so she decided to stay with my brother. All I could do was continue to support her economically, as none of my siblings would. Since I am the only one with a college degree, they concluded that it was only fair for me to support her economically. I happily did this for years while learning that they despised me for not being there to take care of her while critizicing my lifestyle.

For the last 3 years I made the 12 hour drive to my brother's house at least every 6 months and spent all Christmases with her to cheer her up. Unfortunately my mom's health started to decline soon after returning from an extended stay with my older sister in April. In august I received a call from my brother asking for help because she was in pain, unable to get off bed and had to put her on morphine. We went there and took her to the emergency room where she was diagnosed with severe dehydration, so she spent a week in the hospital until she recovered enough to go back home; I was silently pissed at my brother for not taking her earlier and even more because he took my visit as a holiday for himself and didn't show up at the hospital until the last couple days of my mom's stay.

The doctors told me that the Anemia was untreatable and I accepted the inevitable. They all recommended the only thing she couldn't do: eat more iron-rich foods. So I went back home and left my mom in charge of my brother again. Three weeks ago I received another call from him, again asking for help because my mom was again in pain, very weak, had been with diarrhea for a month and now she was not eating. This was on a Monday and I asked him to call an ambulance; at this point I had been put on notice on my job and had some interviews scheduled for Thursday, so I made a hard decision of not leaving everything to take care of things myself, as I thought I could trust my brother to take care of her. On Tuesday I followed up with him and he said the ambulance never came, so he had rescheduled it for Wednesday because he didn't want to loose his job. I offered him economic support if he lost his job, but he still decided to wait until Wednesday evening. While I was apprehensive, he calmed me saying she showed some improvement, and since I was ready to go on Thursday anyway, I calmed down. On Wednesday morning he called me to say my mom had died in her sleep. I was devastated, I blamed my brother for not taking action earlier and blamed my sister for abandoning my mother because of her stupid feud with my brother... and the worst part, I blamed myself for not leaving everything that Monday and take care of things myself.

I fully accepted that my mom would never recover from her chronic Anemia and I was already prepared for the worst, but it pains me that she died for no good reason: she died from dehydration and fluid loss, which would have been completely treatable. I know she would have continued to live with no quality of life and it wouldn't be long until the next time in the ER again.... so I am torn... I can rationalize  the situation and I wasn't there so can't judge what my brother did or didn't do to help, but just can't forgive my siblings for basically letting my mom die from something treatable.

I think of her every day and know that my resentment towards my siblings doesn't help so I don't know how to move forward...

My apologies for the long post.

 

Edward

 

[kayc]

Hi, welcome here.  I am sorry for the loss of your mom.  I lost my mom two years ago, she had Dementia, Parkinsons, Leukemia.  Her Dementia was advanced and she had to be placed in a Dementia Care Facility, the doctor order two people handling her and someone there 24/7.  In the years she was there, it was mostly my brother and I visiting her, although there were six kids, one was quadriplegic and needed care herself.  But the other three...

I think it's common in families, unfortunately.  It's just something to let go of, if you ever want harmony in your life.  Your siblings will have to reconcile their actions or lack of with themselves and their maker, so don't need your approval or disapproval.  I know it's hard, I did my best to get my siblings there to see my mom, and was able to a couple of times, and they're all glad they did now.  But it was all the times in between that she needed us.  My brother goes his own way and doesn't contact the rest of us, but at least he was there for my mom in her life, so I will always appreciate that.

I'm sorry your mom had such a rough time of it.  I'm glad you were able to be there for her and care about her.

I hope you're seeing a professional grief counselor, they can really help.

[Edward]

KayC

Thanks a lot for your reply and am sorry about your mom. It is just hard and painful to reconcile it in my mind. Not only I have to deal with the pain of the loss itself, but also with the thought that I could've seen her one more day... hold her in my arms and comfort her. I feel like I was robbed of that joy by my siblings selfishness... I know what you say, but it's just hard to let go and smile to them as if nothing happened...

Thanks again for your kind words.

Edward

[kayc]

I do know what you mean.  I have learned to let my siblings' actions or lack of be theirs to deal with, at least I know I was there for her and did my best to encourage them in their responses also.  

[maria53577]

HI, I lost my mom to alcoholism June 2014. I can relate to your story somewhat. My mom battled addiction for 20+ years. All of my siblings lived close but all of them would sit on the sidelines. I stayed connected to both my parents. My dad would lean on me for support b/c her addiction made her impossible to deal with.. so I would listen. My mom would frustrate me b/c she was an alcoholic but also stubborn.. and when I would go to her offering support, ultimatums, etc, she wouldn't listen. I would talk to my siblings about us needing to do something and while they all agreed, no one would step up.

My mom died quickly. She developed jaundice and was gone in 2 days.. but I feel for years she was dying in front of all of us.. addiction is possibly different than anemia. My mom didn't want help but I am guessing your mom did.. and she looked to your brother for support. It's a huge role for him to take on but when your mom needed him most, at the end, he didn't show up. I get your frustrations. I feel the same way with my family.. everyone just sat on the bleachers. I also understand that just b/c you or I would do something one way doesn't mean that someone else does. Your story is heartbreaking and frustrating.. try to find peace with everything you did to help in your heart. Your brother/sister will have to face that within themselves.. and they may never. Know that you did the best you could.

I'm so sorry about the loss of your mom!

[kayc]

47 minutes ago, maria53577 said:

I also understand that just b/c you or I would do something one way doesn't mean that someone else does.

And this is one of the greatest gifts we can give our siblings...the acknowledging that their choices may be different than our own, and that's okay.  We don't want to allow it to come between us or fester resentment towards them for their differences.  They are doing what they feel is best for them and perhaps they don't have the strength or knowledge to deal with our parent in the way we have.
My mom had mental illness, not alcoholism, but it was extremely challenging, and I understand the frustration.  In the end, dementia got her.  I was able to be there for her, but some of my siblings were not.  
I learned along the way to set boundaries and adhere to them, and not to let her histrionics affect me, although, of course, sometimes it'd hurt but I'd stick to my resolve and not let her manipulate me with it.

My relationships with my siblings are extremely important to me and we've been supportive of each other in life no matter what our differences...we're all unique, but we support that uniqueness!