My Mother, My Friend, the Purpose for my Life

[Robert63]

My Mother Passed away on July 4th 2016

 

Let me give you background How close my Mother and I are/were

We talked on the phone a few times a day, then I would go over and spend 5 or more hours with Mom, we sent each other cards once a week to cheer each other up and I would buy her flowers once a month ( she could keep flowers going strong looking fresh for 2+ weeks) She is my best friend and purpose for life.  I try not to use past tenses.

I'm her Son, friend, caregiver and would do anything to keep her happy, motivated and continue going with whatever I could research and buy to keep her as comfortable as possible with health issues.

I would buy her nice gifts whether it was a $400 Armani Tinkerbell , sericels , even little stuffed animals ,her whole house was filled with collectibles which made her happy. The only reason I looked forward to Christmas was to see her open the many gifts I got her. She had a difficult life with a bad marriage, my father was verbally abusive to all of us especially Mom and like all women Mom tried to keep the peace and not let me get aggressive with him.

When he died in 2000 she was finally free and happy but only a few good years before the health declined. She had emphysema, diabetes, kidney issues, cancer polyps etc. as the years went by things got worse with neuropathy in both hands & feet could no longer drive walking was difficult, in and out of hospitals 24/7 oxygen nebulizer prednisone, she got weaker and weaker, the last ten years she had a very rough health declining issues that made her life very frustrating and painful.I left my job for 2 year to take care of her when she had blood clots, then 3 years later I took off 3 years to take care of her so she could live at home and never go to a nursing home.

2 years ago I had a TIA stroke and I had to move in with Mom for 2 weeks because I was so weak and shaky so, we took care of each other. It was always Me & Mom whether it was Thanksgiving dinner or Christmas even though sister lives close it was Mom and I that stayed Catholic, had same political views, same taste in TV shows and the only time I felt relaxed and comfortable was going over to Mom's house and spending the day with her. I had my time with women in my 20's & 30's but my health declined with anemia, iron IV's diabetes & the TIA

so we enjoyed each others company and would confide in each other and talk about the news or whatever was going on. My life was dedicated to Mom , all my time was spent trying to find a way to keep her going.

Now I'm conflicted part of my brain doesn't accept she is not there, I'll have panic attacks at times. Going to the store and seeing Halloween things made me sad I would buy her a animated stuffed animal and some fun cards but got a empty gut feeling remembering I can't buy it for her and make her smile. The other part of my brain is more rational and reminds me that she was in so much pain, suffering and her body just wouldn't let her go on anymore.

She had such a horrible humiliating and painful passing. It started with weakness and breathing problems. The hospital got her steady after 2 weeks but her bed sores were getting worse and painful. I guess because of the skin age it kept breaking open, she tried to keep busy on her feet even though it was painful. When she got home even though nothing changed her blood sugars went crazy, had a diabetic coma, the paramedics resolved it but then she got C diff. it makes you go all the time you can't control it and when you can't walk very much you have to wait for someone to walk you to the bathroom and help get you cleaned up. I tried my best but then she got dehydrated and incoherent which was heartbreaking to see. Back to the hospital. Horrible waiting for nurses to change you plus was multiplying the bed sores. The hospital pushed her out after 2 weeks so she went to a rehab which I researched and got the best possible but again she had to wait to be changed , I did my best bringing in her favorite food, although she couldn't each very much. The rehab people are polite, helpful  did their best but when you keep going over and over it takes everything out of you and was embarrassing, painful and frustrating. I got Mom home but we had to still get her to the bathroom but she was getting weaker and weaker and harder to get her to her feet so we finally had to call hospice.

She was frustrated that she couldn't even stand because of weakness. I was fooling myself trying to convince her we just need to get your strength back and Hospice would put her back on regular medical Insurance. Her mind was still sharp. She start having bad dreams and reacting scared to loud noises as Hospice had advised us. I held her hand and tried reassuring Mom. She all of a sudden said something is very wrong, something is happening. I said I Love You, Mom said I Love you so much then she went into a coma. It was a long painful week of watching Mom in the coma, we gave her medication for pain. It was on July 4th my brother and sister were sleeping and she took her last breath in front me.
 

I try to remember the good times but I see the terrible pain and humiliation she had to go through.

I don't know what to do with my days I go through boredom, depression, try to distract myself and with the holidays coming up will be a stressful time without her.

I guess my poor health keeps me distracted but my Brother and sister seem to have moved on and really don't respond to times when I want to talk about Mom.

That's where I'm at

[katrina407]

Thank you kindly , much appeared , I have my ups and downs too, family trouble, etc. 

[katrina407]

Hi, been in a lot of pain due to a bad cold, trying to cut down on something, (I,all get into it later) I,m not as healthy as I should be, and for some reason people hurt me. We all know its getting bad in the world . Due to $$$! On top of that you get weird phone calls, death threats , I even had to change my phone too, I desereve to be treated a little better.Anyway so sorry I have not been on line much due to this, God bless you all,xxxxxxxxxx C 

[kayc]

Robert,

I am so sorry for your loss, it sounds like you two were as close as could be.  You are a wonderful son and she was fortunate to have you, just as you were to have her.  She raised you well.

Everyone handles their grief differently, and that could account for your siblings' different way than yours.  Also, some people have delayed grief.

I hope you will make an appt. with a professional grief counselor that can help guide you through this, it's way too hard to handle on your own, esp. if you don't have a lot of support from people who have been through it.

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/10/seeing-specialist-in-grief-counseling.html

It might help to find a support group too.  

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2010/04/finding-grief-support-that-is-right-for.html

When our lives are so entwined with another, everything we did together, ate together, saw together, our habits and patterns, they can be triggers and it's painful to deal with.  It takes much time and effort to process our grief, to build a life for ourselves afterwards, and there's no way around the grief but straight through it.  The intensity of pain you are feeling now will lessen eventually, but you will always miss her.  This is how it was with me when I lost my sweet husband.  It's been eleven years and I've never stopped missing him, I think about him every day, I talk to him.  Grief is part of my life, but I've learned to live with it.  It's changed me as a person, I'm more compassionate, I think deeper as a person, I appreciate and try to live in the present moment.  Nothing about our lives seems the same once we've had such a deep loss.  One good thing though is when I first lost him, memories brought pain, whereas now the mere thought of him brings comfort and a smile inside my heart.  He is a part of me and I carry him with me, inside.

[Robert63]

KayC  Thank You for the kind words. Much appreciated

[mamasgirl]

Sorry Robert,

 

you are the best son she could ever have. I am tru,y sorry for your loss and can only imagine how you must feel, I lost my mum who is 62 on the 4th last month, and I am living with guilt because I didn't react quickly enough and didn't spend enough time listening to her and cuddling her when she wanted me to, I am an aadi, daughter and I hate myself and will never forgive myself. You on the other side dis everything you could have as a human. My mum was fine she had fever and went into sudden kidney failure and perforated bowel within a span of 7-8 days, it all happened so suddenly we didn't get a chance to think rationally, physician said it was a viral and chicungunya so he ignored her abdominal issues which turned out to be a medical emergency.

i hope you'll find comfort In The knowledge that shw knew you did your best and that you loved her dearly, where I failed, I feel terrible. Full of guilt Miserable because I should have kept my eyes open and taken her to hospital rather tha  listening to the family doctors crap, 

She was wonderful and perhaps I didn't deserve such a sweet mum, she will never ever come back, she didn't know what was happening to her, the last thing I told her is that they were going to clean her blood as shw had toxins (dialysis)

 

i couldn't say goodbye and that I love her dearly as she was under sedation after surgery, its a horrible life now  I wish I could die ans be with her tight away 

 

 

 

[kayc]

I am sorry you didn't get to say goodbye.  I didn't get to say goodbye to my husband either.

We can't be expected to be as knowledgeable as doctors, we haven't had their education and training.  Please try to be understanding and kind of yourself.  Guilt does nothing for us unless it bring about a needed change and that's not applicable here.  I wish you the best.
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2016/03/in-grief-coping-with-moment-of-death.html

[Robert63]

Thank You for the kind words. We said everything to each other and did everything for each other but it still doesn't make it any easier because she is gone.

You shouldn't feel guilty, I feel guilty also when you are going through it you are mentally and physically exhausted you try to make the best decisions or help them make the best decisions at the time. I wish I spent over night at the rehab place she was at. I had to take care of her house, my house her cats and my pets I was exhausted and she always said go take care of yourself or take a day off- which I wouldn't but being alone at a place feeling horrible and scared but I had a stroke 2 years ago and not in best shape.

I wish everyday that I would die and pray to GOD to bring me to my mother and see my pets that have passed. I know how you feel.

I've seen both my parents taken apart piece by piece with painful years of suffering. I wouldn't want a single minute of my time taken away that I had with my Mother but she was a good caring sweet person and had to suffer so much.

If this helps. When she 1st passed i needed to talk to people all the time. It's been 4 months, now I just want to be by my self. I have her ashes next to me in my house with personal items.

Sometimes I have panic attacks and say GOD help me I can't live without her

I'm sure your Mother loves you and that last few months would have happened no matter what.

I don't have answers it's only a few months but for me I feel my purpose in life was to take care of her, now that it's over I don't see a purpose for

my life other than see doctors twice a week and take prescribed pills all day. Guess just waiting to be re-united

 

 

[Dantheman]

Hello Robert,

My mother passed away September, our relationship was very similar to you and and your mothers. I've been care for mom nearly eight years while working a full time job, she had been in and out of hospitals, rehab and you name it. Her main health issue was COPD and Pulmonary Fibrosis. Mom was 82 and had other health issues such as non-diabetic sever neuropathy, chf, bad back, shoulder replacement, week muscles....mom was on oxygen 24/7, regular daily nebulizer treatments, a ton of different medications and inhalers. Anyway my mother was my best friend, though my mother had seven children, I was her primary care giver, part of that being because I was/am a bachelor and I didn't rush her or make a big stink about doing anything for her. and believe me I did things for my mom that I would have never thought in a million years I would do, but I did out of pure love. My mom was a very extraordinary woman (Irish, Catholic) mom still had the accent as well.

 

Robert, my mom has been gone for three months and my heartache is worse now than when she passed away, I was there when mom passed, I held her hand and told her to let go and let God take you into his arms, she looked at me and said I love you and immediately passed away, I closed her eyes....I cannot get that image out of my mind as well as the five days leading up to her death.

 

My mom was my world, my purpose....now I don't care if I live or die....I have nothing. Like you I have been rationalizing my mothers death in that she suffered so and is no longer suffering....my mother would hate the fact that I am suffering from severe grief, she told me many times that she wanted me to go on with life, take care of myself and be happy.  So far it's been total hell. I keep praying for Gods help (I am Catholic as well) some days are very difficult, some I get by pretty good....the bad days are very painful.

 

I've yet to be able to change or remove anything from her bedroom (other than the equipment and other items used for her sicknesses) other than that her bedroom is as it was.

I suffer from sever depression since 1994 and I am under the care of a physician (Psychiatrist) this sever grief totally over shadows severe depression....I never felt such heartache in my life.

 

My siblings are grieving in their own different ways, they do not understand why my grief is so great and is lasting so long....I think it will be a year before I begin to somewhat enjoy life.

 

Pray for me

[Robert63]

I will Pray for you.

My cousin who lost her Mother 10 years ago, (my Mother's sister also a very kind a sweet person like my Mother) has been sharing her experiences and listening to me through email.

Mom passed in July but I still have flashbacks to all the pain and suffering she went through , I get a sickness in the pit of my stomach every time I remember. I guess it is common.

I understand how difficult the Holidays will be. I have no family in the State. I have only a brother and a cousin left. I chose to ignore the Holidays. No decorations, No participation in the celebration just another day.

Mom was 100% Italian, we had Lasagna for Christmas, the last few years she walked me through making it. I'll make the lasagna to honor our tradition together.

Her ashes and a memorial are a few feet from me at my house so, I talked to her everyday

The Platitudes you hear are annoying "She's in a better place" "She is no longer in Pain " "You will heal in time" etc. etc. it doesn't help it just is infuriating. There is NOTHING that anybody can say or do to make things better

I've read the Hospice articles https://www.hov.org/grief-support-resources

Like You I'm trying to get through the Holidays, I don't plan on being around long which is comforting. I'm in my 50's but already had a stroke and other health issues

Do what makes you most comfortable like I said I choose no Holiday music, no gifts/cards ,no Holiday specials,

 

Take Care

 

Robert

 

 

[Dantheman]

Thank you Robert,

I am glad you have your cousin for support.

You truly understand...I know people mean well but the dam Platitudes are indeed very annoying....my mother was my best friend/everything, girl friends never liked that I payed my mom so much attention so I always ended up telling them to take a hike or they would give me the ultimatum it's either your mom or me

Nope, no Christmas decorations this year, I will give my brother and nephew who live with me a little something for Christmas + I will give to the poor, but other than mass on Christmas day I will not be celebrating as I would if my mother were here....next year I will do my best to donate my time during the holidays, I already have everything in the way of materials (toys).

I play guitar for self enjoyment, my main inspiration has always been my mother, so needless to say I haven't picked up a guitar for more than five minutes since my mom passed away, zero desire  ....If I do eventually begin to play I will know that I am on my way to recovery....I know I will miss my mom until I take my last breathe, however, right now I consider this feeling as pure hell on earth.

Most of my friends are of Italian or Greek descent, their parents or grandparents were from the old country 100% Italian/Greek....they all loved me because I could eat, they were always like "eat" "eat" "eat"...my friends would say common Dan lets go, I would always say no way I am going to eat....I was use to Irish food which all bland, Italian or real Greek food was always huge treat for me.

I am 53 and have health issues as well...nothing as serious as a stroke, so I am and will continue to live on the edge (Harley and Snowmobiles) I don't drink alcohol, never could handle it..

Yes, please pray me, my faith has taken a severe blow, I have many doubts...I will do in kind for all suffering grief.

All the best

Dan

[kayc]

Dan,

I'm sorry for your loss as well.  My mom passed just over two years ago, she had stage 4 dementia and Leukemia, the courts ordered her to 24 hour lockdown for her protection as well as others, but I'd go visit her after work, she lived 1 3/4 hours from me but my job was about 1/2 hour from her.  Out of six kids myself and my brother were the ones there for her.
I think when you're the one looking after them, you're closer and your grief is going to hit harder.  Eventually we do learn to coexist with our grief.  The missing them never goes away but we do learn to cope with it.  I've lost my husband, parents, grandparents, niece, nephew, friends, pets, and even miscarried babies, so loss has become very much a part of my life.  I've learned to look for the little joys in life...I lost the big ones, but I steer myself to appreciate what there is rather than focusing exclusively on what I've lost.  Sometimes it hits you all the same but I try to do an inventory at the end of my day to fully appreciate what good was in it.  In recognizing the small joys, whether it's seeing a deer, or a rainbow or getting a call from a friend or a stranger opening a door for me, it turns my thoughts in a more positive direction.  Grief takes more effort than anything I've ever done, but it can be gotten through.

[Robert63]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4TBCjcPCtSc

 

It doesn't get any better with time. Missing Mom everyday, talking to her picture by her ashes about what's going on.

I am getting my last will and testament notarized, have my directives as needed.

I'm donating items to hospice charities, they were so good to Mom, she wanted to pass at home as she did.

I'm making organized decisions about my house.

For the people who say life is short, I think it's agonizing long especially if you lose your best friend and the only good thing that made your life purposeful and needed.

 

 

[kayc]

You've done a beautiful job with that, Robert.  
 

10 hours ago, Robert63 said:

For the people who say life is short, I think it's agonizing long especially if you lose your best friend and the only good thing that made your life purposeful and needed.

I agree.  It takes so long to try to find purpose again after we've lost the one that gave us purpose, and even then, it's not nearly on the same level...

[Dantheman]

No one will ever love you as much as your mother (in this world) but life goes on and we must live it to the best of our ability, life is a gift/privilege, I am pretty sure your mom would not like you to be suffering, having severe grief as you are....My mom was my best friend and love of my life, I can trust no other as I did her and never will, however, she did say to me many times not grieve as I have been when God calls her home.  .....Yes I am suffering major grief as are my sisters and brothers, I wouldn't want my mom to still be around suffering las she was....I feel very selfish for feeling as I do, I would give anything to receive one last hug and kiss from her.:(

I am now back into one of my old hobbies, buying and selling restoring vintage snowmobiles....when the day comes I pickup the guitar again I will know I am back to some to having some normality in my life.

P.S. I can't see for s*** right now, I just returned from the eye doctor and my eyes are dilated like a crack head. ....so please excuse my cognitive/grammatical skills

Dan

[kayc]

None of our loved ones would want us grieving but it's not realistic to expect that we not.  They would grieve too, if the situation was reversed.  We have sorrow, we will carry that the rest of our lives, but it's also important, as you have found, to find some bit of joy in life even while we coexist with our grief.  We're never the same again, but that's not 100% a bad thing, because I've found I've been enriched with compassion, understanding, and all I've learned on my grief journey.  Yes, any one of us would trade it all to have them back again, we are human, after all, but that not being our option, we continue our lives to the best of our ability and look for joy in it.  If we look with expectance, I truly believe we'll find it...not as before, but perhaps in smaller bits and pieces.  Joy is joy, though, and I'll take it in large forms or small, however I can.

[Dantheman]

31 minutes ago, kayc said:

None of our loved ones would want us grieving but it's not realistic to expect that we not.  They would grieve too, if the situation was reversed.  We have sorrow, we will carry that the rest of our lives, but it's also important, as you have found, to find some bit of joy in life even while we coexist with our grief.  We're never the same again, but that's not 100% a bad thing, because I've found I've been enriched with compassion, understanding, and all I've learned on my grief journey.  Yes, any one of us would trade it all to have them back again, we are human, after all, but that not being our option, we continue our lives to the best of our ability and look for joy in it.  If we look with expectance, I truly believe we'll find it...not as before, but perhaps in smaller bits and pieces.  Joy is joy, though, and I'll take it in large forms or small, however I can.

Amen Kayc.