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I agree, Kay. We both know that life presents a number of challenges all along the way. For most of us, life is difficult, and it is full of disappointments, which we must learn to handle if we are to survive and to grow. As you say, you've walked in grief time and again in your life, and you've learned to live with all kinds of loss. It seems to me that this young lady's reaction to the death of her father reveals a lot about how she is dealing with one of life's major crises ~ and Len is wise to pay attention to that.

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Thanks for taking the time to respond.  I feel like I am drowning and no one understands.   Telling me to move on.  But just like she lost her father, I lost her.  The person I know is gone hence a death for me too, yet I am not being cruel...I am trying to embrace people.  MartyT, what do you think this reveals?  I am trying to make sense out of all of this :(

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Len, my dear, if you do any reading in these forums, you will discover that everyone grieves differently, according to their unique personality, the strength of their attachment to what was lost, their past experience with loss, their individual support system, their gender and so on. As you say, just as your lady lost her father, you have lost her ~ and so you are grieving too. But you are discovering that your way of responding to this loss is quite different from her way: you are not being cruel to her and you're not pushing her away. You're not acting out in ways that are demeaning to yourself or hurtful to her. Can you say the same of her? Clearly you two have very different ways of reacting to significant loss. You've been given a glimpse of this person's character under stress, and you can draw your own conclusions about how she is likely to behave when faced with other stresses that surely will come along in the future. 

I'm so sorry that this is happening to you, and I understand that you're in pain. I hope you will take Kay's wise advice to heart:

"In all of this support and understanding, please realize we're human and can only hang in there so long with nothing in return...meanwhile, focus on yourself and keep busy.  Reconnect with family and friends, join a gym, take a class, give yourself self-care and lots of patience and understanding...this is hard."

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Len,

I know how painful this is, and I am sorry you are having to experience that pain.  I have learned over the years that pain is not necessarily our enemy as we once might of thought.  Sometimes pain has a purpose and that is to call attention to something that needs addressed or taken care of.  Just as physical pain calls attention to a break or an infection that needs taken care of, so heart pain calls attention to deficits or mismatches and lets us know when something needs changed or gotten out of.  

In this situation you are not getting the opportunity to change the situation with her, but you can leave the relationship and let the wound inside of you begin to heal.  You can't alter her, but you can take care of you.  You are worthy of consideration and care.  

In my own situation over six years ago, I learned something about Jim that shocked me...he was not there for me.  He did not have my back.  His allegiance was to his mom, but not to me.  Even his ex-wife had more consideration than I did!  He's not a bad person, just not marriage material, certainly not for me.  He is kind-hearted, has a wonderful sense of humor, is mellow (one of the things that drew me to him as my family is not!), and loyal.  I discovered, much to my chagrin, that loyalty did not extend to me.  It was a shock, but once realized, I knew I had to move on without him in my life.  Eventually we were able to be friends, but I learned in that heartbreak what NOT to expect from him and learned not to count on him.  If he's there, fine, if not, fine.  I could accept him as he is but that same person would not make a good mate for me.  I hold myself to high standards and would want no less in a mate.

Being as this was not my first heartbreak by any mean, I made the additional choice not to date anymore.  This is a step few would take, but for myself, it was wise.  For those who are young or feel they need a partner to go through life with, I'd give myself time to heal and learn and grow, and then continue my search.  I am older and do not feel such need.  I had a wonderful partner once (he died) and I've contented myself with that, knowing at least I have known that.  It gets more complicated as we get older.

You may not be able to fathom, at this point, having someone in your life, but it is a possibility that is out there...it's just important to realize what you want and what is not acceptable and know your boundaries.  If someone who can so easily discard you when life gets rough is unacceptable to you, that's an important consideration to make note of.

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Thank you!  I totally see your point.  I have friends who lost parents and they don't end their marriages and say I only care about me.  They hold on to those who stand by them.  It's a bizarre selfishness that I think was probably always there but I never really saw until the defences were down 

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I was blindsided when it happened to me, but the fact that we didn't set a wedding date was a red flag I guess, considering we were engaged for a year.  He denies leading me on or having wanted out, but...

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Yes, you will get over her.  And her being mean to you will speed up the process, I'm sure.  It seems grief can cause a complete flip-flop in some people, I don't understand it, but I can't help but wonder if we missed something along the way, something was there in them we didn't see or realize...well, we sure have it now!

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Me neither, Len.  I was scared about what would happen to our relationship, but my mindset was on being supportive and helping in any way I could, even if it meant giving him space.

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He broke up with me when his mom was dying and he was her caregiver 24/7.  We were no contact (his decision) for several months.  When I found out she died, I sent him a sympathy card, and he called me the next day and talked for 3 1/2 hours.  It was sporadic and he jacked me around emotionally.  I don't think he intended to, but he was messed up and didn't know what he wanted and couldn't think straight.  Once I realized it, I put a guard around my heart so I wouldn't take it to heart when he said something and "get my hopes up".  I accepted that we were done as a couple.  THAT freed me to be his friend.  We talked every other day for years, now it's more like once or twice a week.  We see each other maybe a couple of times a year.  It'd probably be more often if we lived closer.  When he had his CHF I went to the hospital immediately.  He is someone special to me, but I quit hoping for anything other than "friends" six years ago.  Neither of us has dated anyone since.  He doesn't want to hurt anyone and doesn't trust himself after what he did to me.  I don't want hurt by anyone and don't trust after he broke up with me...he was the culmination of a long line of people who broke my heart, don't need any more of it.

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