How do I make memories without you.

[Bear808]

Hello,

I'm typing this because I need help. 

I'm 22 years old and a year ago my mom died of breast cancer. 

My mom and I were never friends. She was deeply insecure and afraid while I was always outgowing and confident. 

We were like fire and ice. We fought almost every day and said horrible words to each other. 

8 years ago she found a lump in her breast. She was afraid to tell anyone she was in pain and suffering so she drank to numb the pain. 

She drank. We fought. She drank more. I left. 

In November of 2014 she went to the doctor and got diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer. Within 6 months she had completely changed. I fought her to keep fighting but It was a battle we were destined to lose. 

In nine months she was gone. It happened so quickly that I didn't have time to process , to prepare. Even though we had never gotten along I had never imagined my life with out her. 

I beg everyday for another her chance to tell her that I'm sorry and love her.

I spend  my time remember every momments trying to think what i could have done differently. How if I wasn't so busy fightibg with her that I could have saved her. 

I can't sleep. I can't stop crying. I'm afraid of living life with out her and I am filled with so much regret that I have panic attacks. I don't know how to move forward. 

Can anyone help?

[kayc]

Hi, welcome to this site.  I'm very sorry you lost your mom, I lost my own two years ago.

Just because you don't agree with someone or aren't like them does not mean you don't love them.  Hon, if she had Stage 4 Breast Cancer, you wouldn't have been able to save her, you don't think the doctors tried?  What could you have done that they didn't?

I hope you'll consider seeing a grief counselor to help you through this, grief has a way of being too big to get through on our own, it brings the strongest to their knees, ask me!  It catches us totally unprepared.

I also recommend seeing your doctor, let him know about the panic attacks and your loss.  They are pretty common in grief...did you have them before?

If your mom was on Hospice, they offer support for the family in the first year, you might want to contact them, it's part of what they do.

It's okay to talk to your mom, tell her what you're feeling, a lot of people feel they hear us, it helps to articulate what we're feeling inside.