Girlfriend's father died 4 months ago and called off temporary breakup

[Hassan Sheikh]

I need advice and support after a bad breakup I had with my girlfriend for 4 years on how to get her back in a relationship with me.

It all started when her father died from a massive heart attack. Since then, she's been having a series of events where her thoughts and emotions have been stuck in her mind about many things.

A month after, she tells me we can't be together because she thinks we haven't been talking in months even though we have talked before. After she told me that, I felt broken as if I've been shot on my back knowing we've been together that long. I even blamed myself for all that, thinking I didn't live up to be the right boyfriend for her. I explained the whole situation with her that i tried to contact her even though she hasnt been responding back until then. I even poured my heart out to this girl knowing I've been with her for that long. A few days later, she tells me that she "just wants to be alone" and that "we could still be friends (for now?)". I then told her that I felt like I understood why she was saying all that yesterday, knowing that she's been through a lot growing up since childhood; since she had her first boyfriend and got dumped, heard her parents argue with each other a lot, dated someone for 18 months and got cheated on, multiple kidney stone removals, losing her cat, and near-fatal car accident in the beginning of 2016. I even admitted that we had to take a break from all that's been going on with her.

So since then, I've been trying to talk to her 1-2 times a week, telling her how much I love, care, miss, and think about her. I've even been praying for her, her family, and even for our relationship to continue the way it has been even before her father died. We talked very rarely during the first, and had one small argument during her "anger" stage of grief (I suppose) when I got badly tricked by someone else pretending to be her while she was still struggling to hold herself together.

So as a month has passed, we talked briefly about each other's lives as she was continuing to grieve over her father's death. Since then, I've been telling her how much I love her, care about her, and praying for her and her family. She seemed convinced that I care about her along with the strong feelings I've been having towards her ever since. Yet I felt that she wasn't that receptive in knowing how much I love her, even though she felt I've been really sweet with her telling her that she always will be loved and cared about, that I'll always be available to her whenever she wants to talk, and that my shoulder would always be there for her no matter what. Yet the next day, she comes up with other bad news that her grandmother had died as well, wondering how much she would have to go through (poor girl ????). Since then, she was also grieving for both her father and grandmother.

As another month passed till October 6th, we started having another conversation with each other. This time, it was more constructive than i expected, knowing how often she's been saying how cute and sweet I am with her, even though I felt she wasn't totally receptive whenever I'd tell her how much I love her and think about her. However, she's been thanking me a lot on being there for her, offering my shoulder to her and such. And that is where I need help on: retrieving her heart back and her in general as my girlfriend.

For further help on the situation, I have provided a few recent texts from her so you can follow up more on the situation.

Thanks for your help guys!

[kayc]

52 minutes ago, Hassan Sheikh said:

telling her how much I love, care, miss, and think about her.

That causes her stress, try avoiding relationship talk and just being there for her to reach out to when she's ready to.  "Hope your day is going well" doesn't add stress but "Missing you" can.

When they're going through this they can give mixed messages, which in turn can really mess with you.  Try to take what she says with a grain of salt right now.

It might help if you read through the other threads in this section, it'd give you an idea of how it is when someone is grieving.

[Hassan Sheikh]

Which I've been avoiding to do so after her grandmother died. Now I'm just trying to treat her as a friend, knowing from other people that she needs a friend by her side more than a boyfriend, also considering that she didn't want any relationship with any guy when her father died as she mentioned that in our precious argument. What stage of grief she might be in now and how can I still try to get her back in a relationship with me? Any tips? Thanks again.

[kayc]

You can't force her hand, there's no way to get her back in a relationship with you.  It will happen or it won't, and it more than likely won't judging from what usually happens.  My biggest tip is don't talk relationship talk, that's a sure fire way to have her cut you off completely.

There aren't any certain stages of grief, people get them in different order, might skip some, etc.  One thing is for sure, early in grief, we're in a fog, unable to think or focus, kind of disbelief or shock.  After a few months, reality sets in.  Most say the second year is worse than the first.  It all depends on how deep the relationship was, as to how hard the grief hits.  

[MartyT]

As Kay says, grief does not occur in stages. It is far more complicated than that. If you want to know more about the normal grief process, I suggest that you do some reading about it. See, for example, Grief: Understanding the Process.

You've asked for relationship tips, but under the circumstances, you might find this article helpful as well: Helping Another in Grief.