A cold day in the fall

[mik]

It was a hard day today. The past few days have been harder than usual.  I met LC around this time almost four years ago.  This season is so hard to deal with. Last year at this time he was in a personal care home.  Halloween was coming up and I had decorated the house.  I was looking forward to the time he would be home with me, it it was a disappointment that he was still in the personal care home and would be even though it was already October.  I wondered why he wasent getting better....I sat outside at my parents house where I am living.  The sun was getting ready to set and I had this hugh amount of grief sweep over me. I could not keep from crying there by myself. I miss him so much.  I almost wish that I could be where he is now and started to pray for the day that I too would die.  I then thought of my elderly parents, they would die too. I will be completly alone.  Am I the only one who thinks about dying to be with their loved one?  Part of me thinks that I am crazy thinking this, the other part of me thinks that is what I am doing now..just waiting to die. Yes, I continue through each day, but I miss him so much!  I miss our lives togeather, I miss the house, I miss when we would talk, when we would just watch tv togeather...This sadness is sometimes so overwhelming I dont know what to do.  I think to myself...will I ever be happy on this earth again?  Or will it be through death and joining him will I only be happy again.  I am just so sad he is gone. His death was in July, but he was gone long before. In his coma like state for 8 months.  during the last 3 I think he was able to recognize me.  His life in the personal care home was horrible, but I wish I could still go and see him. Hold his hand.  Its horrible of me to think this beacuse I know he was not happy and only a mere shell of himself....I miss him!!!  why did he have to leave me here?  He promised me he would not leave me but he did.  Now my family is talking about Christmas and exchanging names for gifts for the holidays.  I wish the holidays would never come again.

 

[KATPILOT]

The holidays always amplify our grief.  I think that's because we have so many good memories with them during what used to seems like such a happy time. You wonder Kim if you will ever be happy again?  I think you will. It may never be the same but there will be times when you will find joy and laughter. We can't wait for death to be happy once more. It could be a long time coming. We can honor them by living life as well and as full as we are able. LC didn't leave you. Death stole him away reminding us all how life is not fair. Once we face this truth, once we accept it,  we can start living on. We won't stop feeling sad and we won't  just magically move on.  We will however find a smile return to our face once again.

It's not easy for me to say this. I've died a thousand times over all these holidays since she left. I just tell you that I do smile more in my anguish than I did in 2011. I doubt Halloween  won't find a tear in my eye at some point not to mention Thanksgiving and Christmas but every year there are more and more smiles. I try to remember the reason I once was happy before. I try to remember why my wife made me happy and hold on to the fact that she did. Only when I do that that can a smile catch my lips almost as if she was kissing me.

[rdownes]

Kim I am so sorry for the hard days and I understand how you feel completely I have been having a really hard time to this last week or so feel very consumed by darkness and barely starting to see some sort of light again, it can be overwhelming the loneliness,the not being able to see or touch them physically it can consume us, the feeling that our lives seem to have no meaning now can drive you crazy, and we all have wished to be with them at some point I think, it is not crazy they were our life our soul how could we not want to be with them but they would not want that they loved us so much and I truly believe as spirits they know the value of life it takes time but I truly believe we can all find our meaning in life we have to hold on to there love keep going it is all we can do, I know he didn't want to leave you, I am sure he meant what he said about he would never leave you , unfortunately none of us our promised tomorrow and none of us will understand why it was there time but he hasn't truly left you he lives in your heart.,For me Kevin lives in my soul he is a part of me. I am starting to think about  Christmas now something I could not think about a few months ago it will be hard and I am expecting it to be but we can make it through like we do any other day because to me everyday is a hard challenge grief is hard and it stinks but it means we have truly known a great love and we were and still are blessed I hope you find some comfort I am thinking of you

[kayc]

I think all of us long to be with them and look forward to the day we get to, but hopefully it doesn't consume our thoughts unduly because if we don't live in the present, we miss what is here for us today.  You have family, parents, they still need you.  I know it's not the same as someone in your everyday life.  My parents are gone, my kids busy with their lives, it's easy to wonder if anyone would even notice if I was gone.  I have to stay for my dog and cat that need me.  But if I wonder if anyone would even notice if I died, well, it's kind of like "It's a Wonderful Life"...we would be missed and we make more of a difference to those around us than we could possibly know.  Life is a gift!

[MartyT]

7 hours ago, mik said:

 Am I the only one who thinks about dying to be with their loved one?  Part of me thinks that I am crazy thinking this, the other part of me thinks that is what I am doing now..just waiting to die.

Kim, my dear, I don't think there is any one of us here who hasn't had this thought, and I can assure you that you are not crazy thinking it. Have you read this article? Thoughts of Suicide in Grief  Be sure to see some of the others listed at the base as well.

As for the holidays fast approaching, you're not alone in feeling as you do, especially at this early point in your grief journey. Lots of helpful articles have been written about that, too. You'll find all kinds of useful suggestions here: Coping with The Holidays: Suggested Resources  ♥

[Marie Lee]

Kim, Big warm hug to you today...may it warm you from the inside out!.....

You are loved.

Marie

[Brad]

July 29, 2015 10:43 a.m.: Life stopped being a gift.  Up until that point life was indeed something to be treasured and I really reveled in every minute of it.  Now life is a challenge.  Each day it is a challenge to find enough distractions to make it from waking up to going back to sleep.  It is a challenge to figure out how to manage my grief in such a way that I am progressing.  It is a challenge to confront grief head-on and not try to run and hide from it.  It is a challenge to try to find those rare and fleeting glimpses of hope.  It is a challenge to try to find a way to not dwell obsessively on what once was.  It is a challenge to find hope in what the future might be.  Prior to July 29, 2015, I would have done anything to continue to live; now, at this point I am fine if I don't.  I no longer look at suicide but I did for several months.  But all the same, if today were to be my last day I'd be okay with that.  I have plenty to live for and that is why I continue to plug away; to exist; to try to make the most of each day.  But the challenges continue.

The pain is not as debilitating as it once was.  I do find myself smiling, joking and laughing: I couldn't say that a year ago.  I am luckier than many; I know that. 

But for me life remains a challenge and I don't know if I will ever be able to truly see it as a gift again.

 

[brat#2]

Exactly Brad!

 

[Gwenivere]

1 hour ago, Brad said:

I no longer look at suicide but I did for several months.  But all the same, if today were to be my last day I'd be okay with that.  I have plenty to live for and that is why I continue to plug away; to exist; to try to make the most of each day.  But the challenges continue.

But for me life remains a challenge and I don't know if I will ever be able to truly see it as a gift again.

This was reassuring for me to read because that is where I am right now.   I can't believe the thoughts that go thru my head when I wake up.  Ways to end this pain and meaninglessness.  It scares me to feel this way.  I don't know why it is hitting at 2 years, but all I can think of is it has been so long I've missed having some sort of interaction with Steve.  Or that the reality has truly hit and I'm on a very different pace.  Nothing social goes on in this house anymore.  There are no significant interactions with the world.  You have grandkids send your trips to Phoenix which I know does not fill the entire void.  People flowed in and out here when Steve was alive.  No reason for that now.  As I told my counsellor, I've never been alone before.  Even when I lived alone a long time ago, I had my family and friends to visit and visit me.  There are none now.  I'm also more shackled by the panic disorder since anxiety is a large part of grief.  My biggest fear is not dying quickly and stuck here dependent on strangers.  Sorry, rambling again.  

Life was life before.  It flowed and I never gave it a 2nd thought.  Not until his death became imminent.  I don't see it as a gift either.  To see it that way you have to have joy and happiness.  Something that balances the negatives of it.  When it gets tilted in the wrong direction for a long time there is no way to feel that. 

To MLK, yes I know how you feel.  My parents are long gone and there is no one else to lose but my dogs.  I communicate with a few people, but not at a depth that it would shatter thier lives if I died.  I wish I had something to hold onto like that.  I need something to get me thru this what I hope is just a phase of it.

 

[Brad]

3 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

My biggest fear is not dying quickly and stuck here dependent on strangers.  Sorry, rambling again.  

 

1- You're not rambling, actually you a quite coherent.

2- This is also my greatest fear.  I do not like the idea of being dependent on anyone.  The only person I got that close to in now gone.  I saw the toll those seventeen months took on my children; they certainly don't need to go through that again or something far more taxing emotionally and financially.

[KATPILOT]

It's a big fear of mine too Brad.  Sadly we can't choose our destiny. If I still have my mind I think I could live with that. One of my goals in life is to have enough money at the end that I can have someone take care of me in my own home. I think that's why I keep working. I am lucky enough to have my two sons handle my affairs. I trust them but I may not trust myself. I watched my step mom compromise her checking account three times in her last five years. It was such a hassle to set up new accounts and redo her social security deposits and retirement. Lots of paper work  but she never got ripped off. If I live so long I don't want that to be me. It would so aggravate me but I never let her know it. Now that I know it, I don't want to put my kids through that.

You know? Life is still a gift. Every day I am alive I think about what I have done to enjoy it. I try and do at least one little thing that makes me appreciate life although it is increasingly harder. Today I focused on tasting food. The simple pleasure of just tasting something yummy made it a good day. Like I was saying,  just one little thing. Yeah life is a challenge and the loss we feel makes it harder but one little smile each day makes it better than no smile at all.

[Gwenivere]

2 hours ago, Brad said:

1- You're not rambling, actually you a quite coherent.

2- This is also my greatest fear.  I do not like the idea of being dependent on anyone.  The only person I got that close to in now gone.  I saw the toll those seventeen months took on my children; they certainly don't need to go through that again or something far more taxing emotionally and financially.

I never thought coherent would apply to me right now, so thanks for that!

i can totally understand why you would not want your kids to have to relive what they went through with thier mother.  I am much more aware of the residents at the nursing home I volunteer at and cannot imagine being one with no family like some and my only contact is with rotating aides for my needs.  So many things we never thought of before.  We not only lose our partners, we now see the reality of our mortality.  I envision grief as a horrid monster.  Worse than any horror movie!   

 

[WolfsKat]

On 10/24/2016 at 7:44 AM, kayc said:

 

I think all of us long to be with them and look forward to the day we get to, but hopefully it doesn't consume our thoughts unduly because if we don't live in the present, we miss what is here for us today.

 

I "get that", Kay.......like this saying that I saw online.....

[kayc]

And not all of us that want to go be with them are suicidal, it's like Brad said:

20 hours ago, Brad said:

But all the same, if today were to be my last day I'd be okay with that

Yet I do feel life is a gift, a gift that it's up to us what we choose to do with.  In the early days/years it's hard just surviving each day, let alone choosing anything.  The fact that we don't commit suicide is a feat in itself!  But as we begin to assimilate everything this means to us into our lives and process our grief, we face life with our choices.