Girlfriend wants break after her brother died in may this year

[kayc]

Wil,

I am so sorry.  I truly don't understand why they do this, I don't get it, esp. from such wonderful caring people, it just makes no sense.  From my experience, though, I think although the initial period is hell, it will start becoming easier for you than this uncertainty, once you've had a chance to absorb this.  You deserve so much better.

[Wil]

Marty, KayC, thank you, your understanding means a lot.  I am numb with shock just now and pray the numbness doesn't wear off for a while to give my mind and soul a rest. I have a wonderful gentle 17 year old dog, i will focus all my love on him, unlike humans he asks nothing of me and gives all in return.  Best wishes Wil x

[MartyT]

My dear Wil, I think it is at times like this that we really do appreciate our animal companions. I'm so glad to know that you have a "wonderful gentle 17 year old dog" who loves you without conditions, and I'm sure that you love him the same way. My thoughts are with you today, and I'm so sorry . . . 

[kayc]

Wil, I did the same, dogs are wonderful.  Wishing you all the best.

[Wil]

Folks, i had to make the torturous decision today 5th December 2016 to allow my beautiful 17 year old pup to rest. I have been treating him for two and half years for various internal growths. He was my dads dog and i have been his butler and caretaker, nurse and best friend since my dad passed feb 2014. All got too much for him recently and i knew deep down this week he was tired, i could see it in his eyes. He has been increasingly more regular visitor to the vets over last few wks. They agree, time to let him rest. I know the decision was right for him and im spiritually at peace knowing hes with my dad and mum. Such a calm peaceful ending with a gentle caring vet, so glad i held and talked to him as he drifted into sleep.Just a lot to soak up. Such beautiful creature, got me through lots and asked nothing in return. Rest well, love and thank you so much x

Bizarre and confusing follow up, my former partner brought flowers of condolence this afternoon and then asked for consideration of reconciliation of us saying she now realises she had made mistakes pushing me away and realised it was not what she really wanted, she was confused over loss of her brother, she had  now processed things now and she would be fine and just wanted to be with me. 

Too much for me to process just now so said i couldnt commit to her just now, i had to continue to work on me for now and sort out my own issues. I asked she did the same for her, with professional help to bottom out how she has taken the path she went down and made decisions she has made. Dont understand the turn around. I need to work out whats best for me after being shut out, too much for one day

So confused

 

[MartyT]

Oh Wil ~ I am so sorry to learn of the death of your dog. I agree with you completely: You need and deserve the time and space to mourn the loss of your beloved animal companion ~ that grief is just as real and just as worthy of your attention as any other significant loss. This is not the time to focus on anyone else but you. Our thoughts are with you at this sad time 

[Wil]

Marty, thank you, this whole thing getting too much for me, cant separate one thing from the other. Thanks for listening. Hoping rest brings clarity

[kayc]

Oh Wil,

I am sorry about your dog, but your post warmed my heart...I'm glad you are at peace about your decision with him and I agree, it's best to let them go when they've reached that point.  

I also feel your response to your ex was so spot on!  Attaboys are due you!  You are working on YOU and thinking what's best for YOU and realize she needs to work on HER and figure out her own stuff with some professional help.  Then and only then will the two of you be able to make the best decision collectively for the two of you.  I am so proud of you!  A lot of men would have caved in, but you did what is best, which isn't always the easiest, but in the long run, it'll work out better.

I hope you can get some much needed rest...that was a long day!

[Wil]

KayC,  Thank you, i do love and care what happens to her and hope she works this out with professional counselling. I have made myself a promise as part of my yoga, mindfulness etc to try not to accept responsibility for everyone elses problems i have done this too long, this is part of my insomnia/stress issues i have had for many years. I can't fix everything as much as i would like to have done.

Yesterday was overwhelming saying goodbye to my four legged companion.He deserves acknowledgement just now.I can't think on anything else for now.

The other events yesterday caught me by surprise and were my honest response to events of last few weeks and months. Will i doubt myself?   probably yes,but i have to stay on the course of action i am on or it will all have been for nothing. I feel the need to protect myself for now. With focus and ultimate honesty later on we will see what happens.It takes two people to make a relationship work or fail so i will have to identify my failings. One thing i have identified though, The word Sorry,  is overused  and is without meaning if it is not supported by explanation and change. Personally and in relations with others i will now seek this.I am still so bemused at the apparent sudden turnaround in her position. At least she potentially acknowledges she hasnt dealt with things well and perhaps counselling is needed.

Thanks to all for your support, it helps greatly.This process and opinions of contributors has taught me much.

[kayc]

Of course you still love and care for her, I think when we love someone that never truly goes away...the exception being when we discover we didn't really know them at all but loved who we thought they were, like in the case of my last husband, John, it was an illusion, never true.  I do hope things work out for you, somehow they will, I truly believe that, because your mind and heart is in the right place.  You are so wise to realize that we can't be responsible for another, no matter how much our heart desires to save them, that's their's alone to work out.  I learned this same thing also, although I think it took me much longer to realize it than you have.  

I have learned to try and identify specifically what I am sorry for...not owning what doesn't belong to me, but I can say "I'm sorry for the situation you're in" or "I'm sorry this is hard for you" but not just say "I'm sorry" as if I'm responsible for it.  For instance sometimes if you break up with someone or quit a job, you can't be sorry that you're doing it or you wouldn't be, you have your reasons, and no need to apologize for doing the right thing for you.  You can say, "I'm sorry things didn't go as expected" but beyond that, really can't be sorry.  Life is all a learning experience, some of it wonderful, some of it painful.  And we can't waste time with regrets, even though we might have a couple places we'd do differently if we could, but we look forward as we go along and greet each new day with wonder and excitement for what it holds.

I tend to overthink things and over-analyze, and I am working on trying not to do that.  Sometimes people try to manipulate or control us...I had someone try this morning and I smiled and let it go.  Whatever they're feeling is not mine to own, they have their regrets and have mistakes in their life along their way, but I have my own life to own and can't be responsible for another's.

You are doing so well, I applaud you and really look forward to what life has next for you!  But whatever it is, remember, it is TODAY that is the great experience, for TODAY is all we really fully have right now!

[Wil]

Dear all, I have resisted attempts by my former partner to spend the festive period together. Every part of me wished to cave in and do so but have resisted in the face of pleas, that i was set adrift because of blind grief and paths taken and decisions made were not conscious or designed to hurt me.In essence i am not convinced by this explanation and am following my gut instinct. I have declined and decided to follow my own path for me and suggested she take her own path for herself through counselling and real time reflection. If after counselling yoga mindfulness  we elect to rekindle the relationship it wil be for the right reasons and not because of insecurities or loss..

I have learned a lot from this process and dedicated people who take the time to be available for others in emotional crisis and i extend my thanks to you.

I have the Serenity prayer i  have historically sent to people who suffer stress or loss, I forgot to apply to myself over recent months;

Give me the Serenity to accept the things i cannot change.

The Courage to change the things I can 

And the Wisdom to know the difference. 

Whatever your denomination may i extend best wishes to those in need,  advisor's and contributors.

Everything happens for a reason. 

Yesterday is history, life is about today and tomorrow and is meant to be lived not constantly reflected upon.

Accept responsibility and learn from only your own issues not those of others.

Not everything can or is meant to be, 

Others who pass through your life may have to take a different path, this does not have to be a relection on on you.

Look forward and up and not back and down.

 

In short, Good luck and very best wishes for the coming year to all xx

 

[kayc]

Will,

You are wise and are doing what you need to do for you.  The Serenity Prayer means a lot to me also.