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my dad remarrying


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hi, I had posted on this site previously after my mom died (6-27-2014).. since then I feel as though my family has fallen apart somewhat. My dad started to date about 8 months after my mom passed. My siblings were all ok with this.. some more than others, but we were ok. They got engaged this past Mother's Day (not very timely) and are rushing to the alter. I'm torn between wanting to be happy for him but there is an overwhelming feeling of not being ok with it. Every weekend is spent with his fiance. Holidays are now always spent with her and her family. He gushes about all of their wedding details but in all honesty I just want him to not talk about it.

My mom's bday is thanksgiving this year and he barely remembered it and will be doing something with his fiance, of course.

I swear I am not a bratty kid ;) I truly want my dad happy. I realize it's NOT about me at all.. but why does it sting so much?

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Maria~

My mother remarried 4 months after my dad passed. She couldn't be alone. Luckily for all of us she found a great man and it has worked for them. They just celebrated their 5th anniversary. She always gave the explanation that as they are in their 70s, their time is short, and they wanted to be married.  As for the fallout for the families, his kids seemed fine with it since his wife had passed a couple years earlier. My mother is a rather narcissistic person so the feelings of her kids were never considered - she planned her wedding and only invited my brother and his wife so they could stand up for them.  It was truly bizarre and frankly, hurtful. 

I have learned the only person I have control over is me.  I've learned to plan my own holidays with a family of trusted friends that I have built over the years. For me it's what works.  As for remembering your mother's birthday - please do something special you would like to do to celebrate and remember her. I know it's hard without your dad's participation, but if it's what you need, please do something.  YOU will be happier for it.

I know how you feel and it's difficult.  We are here whenever you need to vent. Wishing you the best during this holiday season. It's always a tough time of year for many of us!

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Marty, thank you for the article. It was very insightful and I could relate to it very much.

ChinUp54! You get this ;) It's almost like you heard the conversation between my sister and I tonight.. I told her, 'I need to just start doing things that make me feel good' .. and that means surrounding myself on holidays with people I love and cherish. I love my dad dearly but he's doing his own thing on his own. And I am planning on doing something special for my mom's birthday! Thank you for the suggestion.

I am sorry your mom left you out of her wedding.. I can imagine being very hurt as well. I think my dad is rushing things so much to fill a void.. but I don't know if he even realizes it. 

I keep thinking, he's moving on but I am still grieving over the loss of a parent.

Ok, thank you so much for your kind words and have a wonderful holiday as well!

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Maria, I totally understand your feelings...it's not unlike what I'm feeling since my son married.  He and I were very close, I was always his home base when he was in the service, or working out of state, or going to college.  I watched his dog and stored his belongings.  We had an easygoing way about our relationship, there for each other but no demands.  Just floating in and out of each other's lives, connecting every now and then.

Then he met his wife to be and got married.  She wants him to herself and has pulled him away from his family.  It's hard and it hurts.  Everything is about her.  My birthday came and went, they didn't say Happy Birthday, let alone send a card.  Holidays are spent with her family, his own is forgotten or unimportant.

Whenever there is a big change like this due to death, divorce, remarriage, it's hard to adjust to.  I've learned to make plans for myself and it no longer includes him, which I find sad, but it seems to be how they want it.  I go see them when I can, but that's limited because I can't be overnight in the winter and I don't drive at night, I can't bring my dog (she said so) and it's not always easy finding someone to watch him.  I miss so much about my granddaughter, who is 1 1/2 this month.  I'm always nice to my DIL but have had to recognize that we'll not likely ever be close, because she rejects me at every turn.  Still, I try to keep peace, stand up for myself when she attacks, and try not to be alone with her so she doesn't get the chance.  It's tough.

I wish you the best with this new relationship.  I hope it goes well for you and that she is someone you can like and respect, that'll help it go so much easier.  Try not to think of her as replacing your mom, that could never be.  Your dad is in the honeymoon stage of this relationship...try to be happy for him and realize it won't stay that way so he might as well enjoy it while he can.  I hope for all of your sakes that it works.

Don't feel hard on yourself, your feelings are real and they're valid, very understandable under the circumstances.  Keep loving your dad, he's still your parent.  Maybe someday when the honeymoon is over, you and he can have some father/daughter time together, that would be good.

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Maria~

I am happy my comments may have helped. I wanted to clarify, I told my mother how I and my sister felt about not being included so she invited us after the fact. Too funny - I'm used to being treated as an afterthought in my family, which is why I began doing my own holidays years ago.  Then she wanted me to rearrange my schedule so I could attend the wedding. I refused.

I've been invited to their home for Christmas, but I'm not going. I struggle through the holidays as it is, so I'll be home with my daughter and my critters. It will be perfect and I won't have to recover from being around my mother for too long. It all works out.

:)

 

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It's very comforting, on some level listening to your stories. My mom died from alcoholism.. and for years it was stressful, heartbreaking and stressful.. but it was the one issue that, on some level, kept our family tied. Now that she is gone, I see so many cracks (more than ever). As dysfunctional as it was, her addiction in some strange way, tied us together. Now it seems to have fallen apart. I've spent a lot of my life trying to keep everyone together (middle child) but it's gotten to the point where no one cares.. but I'm over here stressing about it.

So both ChinUp54 and kayC stories resinate with me.. it gives me comfort and strength and almost an 'okay' to simply take care of myself :)

I appreciate you sharing your stories with me. It has helped a ton :)

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  • 4 weeks later...

I don't think its bratty at all! I feel like you should say something because that's horrible!

Ive been taking care of my aunt because shes one of the last ties to my dad and she hadn't mentioned his death date or anything like that, just her husband who passed a couple months before my dad. I don't know if its their way of grieving or what but omg. HOW CAN YOU FORGET.  But Im also very stubborn lol

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lattiee, thanks for the note. I'm experiencing this same thing with my siblings.. I have 2 brothers and 1 sister. My sister and I are close, but not my brothers.. and it's getting worse. My dad is like your mom too, he's so family-oriented but can see that they is division with his family but ignores it. I do wonder if my dad is seeking out companionship b/c he's lonely. He will call me on and off and tell me how sad he is about the loss of my mom. I often wonder if him getting married so quickly is just a deflection of his feelings.

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