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Bugsytweek

Losing a significant other as a teenager or young adult

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I'm 17 years old. On the 29th of Sept, my boyfriend was murdered (he was the same age as me)

I sent him a message, but he was a hard worker, I assumed he had switched off his phone to study for the next days history test.
And then he wasn't there the next day, and this horrible anxious feeling kept rising in my chest.
 
And now it's nearly 2 months that he's been gone. They've found the people who did this to him, but it doesn't make it any easier. It makes it worse, cause it feels too real.
 
He was our Head Prefect (student body president) so everyone knew and loved him. And cause of that, quite a few people think that they have control over how to mourn him.
Our relationship was really turbulent, and it was pretty well known that we had issues. As far as anyone knew, we were still over - but we'd gotten back on the quiet. Cause we loved eachother.
But people seem to think that I shouldn't call him my boyfriend and I shouldn't go out and I shouldn't mourn like I am mourning but I can't be happy and and and. it is so difficult. I shouldn't care about what anyone thinks. But I do. I really do. They were my supposed best friends... and now they exclude me from gatherings and birthday parties. Their reactions have calmed down since, but it makes me feel icky. And it's made the whole thing worse. I have no-one since he died. Since my parents weren't aware we were together, they feel uncomfortable about the whole situation. His family loves me, but I hate hate imposing. His older brother has bonded with his other friends, and since they were closer with him and knew him in a different way, I'm like the outsider.
 
The last thing I said to him was horrible. I wanted to chat to him at break, and he shrugged. I said " Whatever, Abram." And he said "Whatever, Hannah." And that was the last thing I said to my first love. I sent him a message (as previously mentioned) telling him I think we should end things, and he asked why. And within an hour, he was dead. Why did I give up so easily ? When he died, did he know I was just overreacting like I tend to, or did he think it was the last straw in our relationship and that I didn't love him? Did he still love me, despite all I put him through?
His friend sent me a message telling me that one of his unknowingly dying wishes was that he'd been meaning to send "Said I loved you...but I lied" by Michael Bolton to me, but he couldn't. But I've struggled to believe it.
I am so lonely. My parents are struggling to understand and my mom doesn't want me to keep mourning. I have a few good friends, but they're mourning him too. And it's not fair to go on to them all the time. I've lost my person you know, we'd been friends for awhile before we got together and now it feels like I have no one. It's so difficult.
I don't know what to do. I just want someone.
 
(Note: I was recommended to try this forum out. Thank you for accepting my joining request. Anyone who is going through a similar thing is welcome to say and we can discuss. Now that my story is out, I hope I can help you guys too. <3 ) 
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kayc   

Hi Bugsytweek, it's me, KayC, from the other site.  I'm glad you came here.  You might want to post this in the Loss in Young Adulthood section as well.  People will be along shortly to respond, they're still getting up. ;) I don't go to the young adult section, cuz I'm old, but there are a few there that are young and also going through loss.  Keep checking back here, Marty will be along soon.

And you do NOT sound like a whiner!  You are going through a really traumatic experience and your grief deserves to be heard and validated!

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scba   

Hello, I'm very sorry for the loss of your boyfriend. I lost mine too, I was 35yo then. What can I say to you.,,,do not let anyone to downsize, ignore or dismiss your love story and your loss just because you are very young or he was not your fiance/husband etc. Unfortunately very few people you are incontact with in your daily life will understand, I tell you this by experience. 

Loosing your love is a tragedy by all means, at any age. 

Your grief is heard and validated here. 

 

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MartyT   

Dear one, I'm so sorry to learn of the death of your boyfriend. To lose him in such a sudden, violent manner is horrible, and my heart goes out to you. I hope you have someone in your circle who is willing and able to listen to you and support you as you find your way through this tragedy. It's so important to have a confidante ~ someone with whom you can share your innermost thoughts and feelings. Feelings that are acknowledged and expressed can be addressed and dealt with ~ but feelings that are suppressed and buried just lie there, waiting, and they won't go away on their own. When we just bury our pain, it can hurt us in ways we cannot control, and sooner or later, we may pay a very heavy price for trying so hard to ignore it. (That's exactly what happened to this young man, and you might find his story to be of interest: Voices of Experience: Delayed Grief.)

Is there a guidance counselor or favorite teacher at your school who might be willing to meet with you? Maybe a trusted relative, neighbor or pastor? You might even consider asking your mom to help you find a qualified grief counselor.

What matters is for both you and your mom to take this grief of yours seriously enough to recognize that you are hurting, that your pain is real, and that it is worthy of attention. Sometimes adults make the mistake of discounting the significance of the love relationships teens have with one another, dismissing it as "puppy love." But only you can know how much you loved this person, and only you can measure how much you lost when he died. 

Help is out there and available, if you make an effort to find it. Losing a loved one to homicide is a very traumatic experience, and the grief you're carrying needs to be addressed with someone who can help you through it ~ the sooner the better. (If your mom has doubts, you can tell her that I've encouraged you to do this.) If you don't know where to begin, this article offers some suggestions: Finding Grief Support That Is Right for You. I'm also going to recommend an additional article that I hope you will read, and you might ask your mom to read it, too: Teen Grief: Mourning The Death of A Friend 

 

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