Lost my sweet baby

[Teppy]

Hi, I'm new here. I am not doing very well and hope to find some relief here. I let my 15 year old Siberian husky go yesterday morning. His name was Salem. We did this at home with a Lap of Love vet. She was really compassionate. I just have an overwhelming feeling of guilt-for killing my beloved baby who trusted me and gave me so much love, and then I have guilt for letting him suffer so that I could hold on to him. It was getting harder and harder for him to get up without my help, he had no control of bodily functions, and I spent quite a few nights in the last month up with him all night because he was crying. I would just give him the pain meds from the vet and lie down next to him and rub his head all night. I fell and hurt myself about 4 times in the past month trying to make sure that he didn't fall. Friday morning his back legs just did not work at all. I knew that it was time. When the vet showed up she took one look at him and told me that he's ready. Our family was there and I held his head in my lap. What is really getting to me is him taking his last breath and I realized that couldn't change my mind-he was gone. I am just crying and I don't want to be home. My house is just so empty. I made myself go somewhere for the day. When I came home tonight I started feeling so sad all over again. Can anyone tell me how long this is going to last? I just miss him so bad and want to rub his head and love in him.

[MartyT]

3 minutes ago, Teppy said:

Can anyone tell me how long this is going to last?

My dear, sadly enough, the answer to your question is No. No one can tell you how long this is going to last. Grief has no time frame. It takes as long as it takes. Asking how long it lasts is like asking How high is Up? And the pain of your grief is directly related to the depth of your love for Salem.  We do not grieve for those we do not love.

The guilt you are feeling is completely understandable, because this is one of the heaviest, most difficult decisions you'll ever have to make. I hope you will come to see that you loved Salem enough to free him from his suffering ~ and by doing so, you willingly took that suffering onto yourself, in the form of the grief you are feeling now. I am so sorry, because I know how much this hurts.

I invite you to read Pet Loss: Guilt In the Wake of the Euthanasia Decision ~ and I wish for peace and healing to your broken heart.  ♥

[kayc]

My dear, I am so sorry...Huskies are my very favorite kind of dog, because they are so special.  If a person hasn't owned one, they don't know what they're missing.  I am sorry you are missing your Salem, what a beautiful dog.  It's plain to see you love him with all your heart.  It's my experience that love never dies, and I'm convinced we'll be together again.  I have a Husky/Golden Retriever, my first granddoggy was a Husky, and I have two more now.  They are so precious, I can imagine how much you miss him, that's how I felt about my granddoggy that lived with me for years...he's been gone three years now and I still miss him like everything.

The pain you are feeling right now will subside but the missing him will continue, we just learn to live with it.  It's like love's stamp on us, we're forever changed from having known them and opening our hearts to them, and that I wouldn't trade for anything, even at this great price.

Thank you for sharing his picture, I hope peace comes to you soon.

My son waited too long in deciding to put his dog to sleep, I'm glad you didn't make the same mistake.  You chose what was best for him, not yourself, that selfless love tells much.  My son's dog, Skye, also was incontinent, and crippled besides, he could no longer walk.  He had to be carried or pulled in a wagon.  You said, it was time, and I believe you made the right choice.  It's us that second guess ourselves, only because it seems so final, it's so terribly hard, but you did your best.

[Teppy]

Thank you all for the responses. This is hard and I'm just not able to come around. I'm just extremely depressed.?

[MartyT]

If you find that coping with this loss all by yourself is not working for you, Teppy, be aware that, in addition to what you will find here with us, there are many forms of support for pet loss available to you. See, for example, Finding Support for Pet Loss. 

[kayc]

Teppy,

I'm sorry, I know how hard it is to lose a beloved pet, I've been there too many times and will again.  Grief often feels like depression, so it's important to deal with our loss as best as we can, not just take a pill to mask it over.  Perhaps you'll consider going to a grief counselor to help guide you through it.  I hope you will continue to come here, let us know how you're doing, if nothing else, we are good listeners if you want to talk.