ARhea

Losing more than a friend

4 posts in this topic

Hello, I am new to the group.  I have grieved before, but this is different and unique and I am not sure how to mourn this loss.  I have been going through marital difficulty for a few years now. While on a summer weekend away with friends three years ago, I met someone. I received a facebook friend request from him after we met.  I accepted.  By chance, we saw each other again at the same location for the following three years.  During that time, our correspondence on facebook/text was ocassional until recently.  However, it was obvious that we had a connection or mutual attraction, although we never acted upon it.  Last month, he admitted in a text that he did have feelings for me.  As I'm seeing the end of my marriage, I was not only happy to hear this but responded that I did, too.  We both talked about how we were looking forward to seeing one another this upcoming summer.  He was there when I needed him to be.  As I was feeling the neglect of a loveless marriage, I had someone in my life, even remotely, that made me feel loved.  Sadly, only month to the day of his admission of how he felt, he suddenly passed away from a heart attack.  He was reletively young, too, so this was a complete shock.  I cannot believe that he is gone.  What went with him is the thought of what could be between us, as well. HIs loss was huge to so many;  he was divorced, but had two children.  He left behind many close friends and family.  I am definitely not alone in mourning him, but I cannot mourn with his loved ones.  They don't know me, probably don't know that I existed.  Only a few of his friends know who I am, but they don't know of "us".   I was not able to attend the funeral as his home is 15 hours away from mine. I have told some of my friends that know him of our shared feelings, so when they are available to me it does help somewhat. But I can't openly mourn in my home. How do I grieve?  I'll return to where we met this summer - I can't stop thinking of how hard that will be, or great it would have been...

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My dear, I am so sorry for your loss. Yours is what is known as disenfranchised grief ~ that is, your loss is neither recognized nor acknowledged by others, so it cannot be shared publicly ~ and this can leave you feeling very isolated and alone. (See Coping with Hidden Sorrow.) I also invite you to read Disenfranchised Grief: Mourning The Loss of a Dream. Both of these articles will help you to better understand what you are feeling and why, and will offer some suggestions for coping as well. Be sure to follow some of the links at the base of these articles too. 

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You might read some of Finch's story, it's similar.  I'm sorry for your loss...you are mourning not only him, but the loss of a dream.  I'm so sorry you didn't get to see it to fruition as you'd wished, but love is love regardless and it doesn't die with our physical bodies.  You have my utmost sympathy, I hope you'll continue to post here and read.

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Thank you both for your responses.  I will read the articles/stories you reference.  I appreciate your kind words and your support.  I will continue to use this site and it is helpful.

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