Its been a year...and i feel worse

[Muggs138]

It has been one year and 3 months, and i feel worse now than i felt in the beginning of this hell.  I think it was because of this last year has literally been a blur to me. I think i really was in shock this whole past year, to where i look back at it, and i cant even remember how I got through all of this.

I remember crying and sleeping alot and people constantly being around me and caring for me....but now his death has seemed to literally smack me back to reality, the reality of him no longer being alive, breathing, being with me.  Christmas is coming up and the depression and sadness has completely taken control of me. I try to think of all the years of happiness, but it always comes back to the loneliness and despair i feel without him.  I have stopped caring about things, and i cant find anything to be happy about.  

People keep telling me that i cant live in the past, and i tell them, but that's where i want to be...That's where he is, and where we were, and where all my years of happiness are, and all our dreams and plans live.  So of course its insanely hard for me to focus on my future, what future??? Because that was with him!

I am so sick of people telling me that "in time", "time heals", "give it time", because its not what i want to hear.  Time does not heal things to me, it just makes you learn to live with it.  

I just don't feel positive about anything, especially my future alone without him. 

[iPraiseHim]

Muggs138, I can relate to what you say so well.  My first year I was in so much shock and awe about the sudden death of my wife.  There are no easy answers or platitudes that can speed up or "heal us". 

Someone shared that they likened grief to being an amputee. You miss the appendage and you always will and the experience changes you and me.  Our Amputee is our separation to the one we most  loved. I had people tell me to "get over it" and "move on".   I can do neither.  It is a gradual and slow process and each of us progresses on the grief trail differently. Many people share their initial grief and their progression.  It helped me to know that I was not crazy or alone in this grief.  We have a shared common burden that we can lift up and share with each other here that the rest of the world simply does not understand or comprehend.  

What has helped me the most is to share here to (1) get it out of my brain (2) record where I am physically, emotionally, and mentally and (3) give myself and others an opportunity to study and review.  I learn from so many others and then try and Incorporate some of the suggestions given to see if it can help me progress on this grief journey.  We each need to find our own path yet we can help and encourage each other along the way.

I am striving to live in today as best I can.  I allow the feelings to come and go as they will do. I acknowledge them, feel them, and try to find out what am I supposed to learn about this.  Sometimes it is just painful and sad.  Other times, they lead me to discover areas in my life that i need to learn and improve on.  I hope and pray you will discover your path. - Shalom, George

 

    

[kayc]

Time alone does nothing to alter things, but time DOES afford us opportunity...it's what we do with it that makes a difference.  In the beginning life is lived in a fog and protects us somewhat from the full force of our grief.  In the second year, that's not the case, reality comes crashing in upon us.  Then it's a daily choice to see what is good and focus on it, no matter how small, to realize the hope that is ours of being together again and learning to lean on and build the faith that we live in daily...I'm not talking about religion, I'm talking about faith that we'll be together again, faith that our love continues, faith that says it won't always be this way...and meanwhile enjoying the little bits of good that are ours meanwhile.  

For people to tell you not to live in the past doesn't help you.  For people to say "get over it" or "move on" does nothing for you either.  I suggest you say to them, "I appreciate your good intentions, but I have to grieve in my own time and way, just as you would if it were you going through this."  This is a personal journey, one of our own being, our own making, unique yet sometimes similar to others going through this.

I'm sorry it's so hard for you right now.  I know you are missing him...we all are missing our partner, on a daily basis.  I wish there were something I could do to help you or make it easier, that is the frustrating part, no one can "fix" this for us.

[Muggs138]

Thank you guys for the kind words.  I know it is hard on everyone that has lost someone dear to them.

 I cannot find a way to stop all the negative thinking lately...All the "what if's", the "why's", the "what could of been's" and it is making it so hard to have hope for my future.

I am at the age where I do not want to start this all over again with someone else, so living in the past where "we" were is where I constantly find myself, but the memories are still very painful and all the "what if's" are absolutely destroying me.

I find myself obsessing over it...I have tried many things from therapy, to mediation, prayer, but I still cant help but keep going over and over in my head about everything that has happened, and dwelling in the past.  After all, the past is where all my dreams came true, where he was,where we were,and where i was so happy with my life.

Now everything is so stagnant, so sad and boring, all my happiness has just left when he did.  I try so hard to find joy in things, and to laugh and be grateful for the things i have been given in this life, but it always comes back to i would trade it all just for him to be alive and well again.

Sometimes i feel like i am going crazy, like maybe i have lost my mind over all this, but i know i am not the only one that feels this way, and that is why i love coming to this site.

So please tell me i am not going crazy and that these feelings will someday with time change into happy memories....  

[Widowedbysuicide]

I can understand what you are saying and like you I hope there is something good in our futures.

[MartyT]

13 hours ago, Muggs138 said:

So please tell me i am not going crazy and that these feelings will someday with time change into happy memories....  

I can assure you that you are NOT going crazy. Many surviving spouses report that the second year of grief is even harder than the first, because all the shock and numbness has worn off by now, and you are becoming more aware of all that you have lost. See Grief In The Second Year: Finding Your Way. That does not mean that there is nothing you can do, however. In addition to the understanding, compassion and support you find here among your fellow mourners, there are lots of resources to help you through. For example, take a look at our Tools for Healing forum.

[kayc]

14 hours ago, Muggs138 said:

I try so hard to find joy in things, and to laugh and be grateful for the things i have been given in this life, but it always comes back to i would trade it all just for him to be alive and well again.

Keep on trying and take the last part of the equation out of there because the option isn't on the table.
Joy is a choice and sometimes it can take great effort.  It's about living in the present, having a grateful heart for what is (rather than focusing on what isn't).  At the end of each day, look over your day and think of one good thing in the day and be thankful for it.  It might be something very minute, but that's okay.  Some days you may have to look hard, that's okay too.  It's the process of doing that which will transform you.  I've been doing this since two weeks after my husband died.  It doesn't mean we'll ever have that "big joy" that they were to us, but it doesn't mean life will be without meaning or just existing either.
You will still miss him.  You will still encounter meltdowns out of the blue, that's part of grieving someone you love so much.  But it will have an effect on you to practice living in the present and appreciating fully.

It's been 11 1/2 years since my George has been gone.  Somewhere along the way I learned to do life alone and to give myself the self care that HE would have.  I've learned to be patient and understanding of myself.  He would be proud of me, I know.  I've also learned to carry him inside of me and reach down inside for his comfort and encouragement.  He impacted me not just for the time he was on Earth, but for all time.  It hasn't taken me 11 years to adjust, but it's a process and I continue to learn and grow through this journey.

[rdownes]

Mugs so much of what you say I totally relate to it's like you took the words out of my heart, you are by no means crazy I am only at 7 months but my reality is here and I know I definitely feel worse I used to think I had found my way my sense of comfort but that feeling has gone the longer he is gone the more I miss and long for him, I to am stuck in the past it was where I was happy not that I don't love my kids and grandbabies but no one can fill this void, I have made a conscious choice my heart will always belong to Kevin I am only 45 so young enough to start over but for me no one could compare or replace Kevin so I don't want any part of that, he was and is my soulmate, I did find a song and posted it in Honoring loved ones and it is called One day to late and it really made me think somehow I have got to find my peace because tomorrow could be one day to late. Hugs to all