loss of mother Deeply conflicted and grieving

[stinkycheese]

It has been nearly three months since my mother passed away and I miss her terribly. She could be warm, funny, and a great conversationalist but I am filled with guilt as I type this. She could also be so abusive that I carry a diagnosis of complex PTSD. She was hospitalized in the final two months of her life and despite her declining health, she was charming, funny and nurturing to the doctors, nurses, friends, and family members around her. She was none of those things to me. She said horrific things to me. From the start my mother loved me (she told me so) but she deeply disliked me.  She was very close to my brother and (later) his wife, and I am working very hard to not let my jealousy hurt my relationship with them. It was no more their fault than it was mine. People still email me and talk about what wonderful things she did for them and how kind she was. They are mourning her too but they knew a different person that I did. 

So, where do I go from here? I loved my mother very much. I made a conscious decision to forgive her and, when moments of honesty happened and she seemed to show an awareness of how she treated me, I told her so. I told her I loved her and that it didn't matter anymore. I worked very hard in the final 10 years of her life to build a solid relationship with her. What I learned after her death was that we were really no closer than she was to her friends at church. She confided and was open to my sister-in-law and one or two very close friends. OK, I am glad she had a support system, but I feel very hurt. I really don't know how to move forward.    

[kayc]

STINKYCHEESE,

I am so sorry not only for the loss of your mother but this also ends the hope you carried for a better relationship with her.
I can relate so much as my mother was not the "Mother of the Year" type either.  My mom was mental and abusive.  She tried manipulating and controlling us.  She was nicer to my brother and his wife than to us five daughters.  We were good to her, but it wasn't about us or what we deserved, it was just that she was a troubled person and she was the product of her own upbringing and her many mental problems.  She left everything to my brother, us girls weren't even worth a mention.  I couldn't even get a picture of my dad or a memento.
I've lived without these things all my life and don't need them now, that's not the point.  The point being why are us girls chopped liver?

We aren't.  It's just my mom was sick.  I look forward to seeing her in the next life, healthy and whole, mentally and in every way...the mom we wanted.
So I never had that in a mom, but I did get a wonderful mother-in-law.  Unfortunately, she passed over 30 years ago, but at least I got her for ten years.  
 

The best thing you can do with it is let go of it.  Don't personalize it, it's not about you, it's HER problems.  I'm sure you were worthy in every way.  There's so many people with problems and they create havoc all around them.  Yes they can fool people who didn't know them.  The best thing is to let go and make sure you've forgiven her so it doesn't hurt YOU any more.  You may need professional counseling for this (I've had my share).  I'm glad you've made a conscious decision to forgive her, but part of that is letting go of the hurts she caused you and that can be an ongoing process.  As it enters your head, hold it in the palm of your hand and lift it up, and let it go, like a bird flying off...

I wish peace for you...

[stinkycheese]

I am so sorry. The world can be a brutal place, even in one's own home. It sounds like you have made peace with it all. I will get there too. 

[MartyT]

I am sorry too, my dear, for the loss of your mother and for the pain you are feeling now.

I invite you to read this article, in hopes that it will speak to you in a helpful way ~ and be sure to follow some of the links I've included there as well: Complicated Grief: Mourning An Abusive Mother  ♥

[kayc]

I esp. like the book suggestion about when death brings relief...it's not wrong to feel relief.  We understand it's not from the person but from the abuse.  I remember telling my sister, "If we think it was hard being around her, how much harder must it have been to BE her!"  She couldn't get away from herself or her mental illnesses, that's really sad.

[stinkycheese]

Thank you both!