Feeling like I should be crying more?

[annie1992]

Its been 12 days since my father passed away. We already had his viewing and mass funeral. I am devastated. I had such a close relationship with my father. He was basically my best friend. I spent most of my days with him and we talked about EVERYTHING. I love my father so much. I always worried about my dad while he was sick and my routine always went around his. But why do I feel like I'm not crying as much as I should? Its like tears won't come out. Is this normal? I am so hurt and sad but I feel like I'm not feeling what I'm supposed to be feeling right now. Am I numb from everything? I'm a person who likes to acknowledge and feel all my emotions so I don't understand why I'm not feeling what I want to feel right now. I want to cry and feel sad when I'm at home but I feel like a part of me isn't grieving. Or maybe this lack of "feeling" IS part of grieving? I don't know and I am so confused with my own emotions.  

[kayc]

Annie,

Yes, it is normal.  Tears are not a measure of our love or our grief.  Sometimes they come right away, sometimes later, sometimes intermittent.  Please don't worry about how you are grieving.  All of us grieve differently and a lot of factors influence it.  So long as you aren't feeling the need to cry and stifling it, you're fine.  It's good to express how we're feeling, like you are here, it gives validity to our experience to know we are heard and understood, so I hope you'll continue to come here to read and post as you feel the need.

You may feel a little numb, that is not only normal but pretty much the norm for someone so new to grief.  Sometimes it can last for months or even over a year.  It's like our bodies protect us with shock or numbness until such a time as we can handle it, usually eking it out to us little by little.  
Yes, this is part of grieving.  

The important thing to remember right now is to take good care of yourself, that gives your body the optimal ability to get through this.  It's important to eat healthy, drink enough water, take walks.  You might try writing in a journal, thoughts about your dad, as they present.  Or your feelings.  
I'm so sorry for your loss.  I lost my dad when I was just 29 and pregnant with my oldest child.  It's hard to miss someone you loved so much...I was always a daddy's girl.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

[MartyT]

I'm so sorry for your loss, Annie ~ and I agree completely with all that Kay has said to you. You might find this article helpful: In Grief: When Tears Won't Come. See also the posts in this thread: Why Can't I Cry? and Feeling Disconnected from Feeling Bad.

[annie1992]

Thank you so much KayC! It really does help to know that what I'm feeling is normal. I'm so sorry for your loss. That must have been so hard for you especially just having a child. It is really hard. I felt okay while I was at home most of the day today. I later went out to a friends graduation ceremony and then I started crying an avalanche while I was sitting in the audience. It brought back memories of when my father came to my graduation last year in the spring. I felt so sad and it felt so unbearable. Will this pain ever go away? I can't imagine things getting any easier right now. I know its still just beginning but will I ever be okay? I called off work for 3 weeks so I have one more week until I go back but I feel like I won't be able to handle it. :/ How long has it been for you since your father passed away? How did you cope with things? 

[annie1992]

Thank you Marty. I'll be sure to look into that! 

[kayc]

It was 35 1/2 years ago.  I don't know how I coped, I grieved, the birth of my daughter gave our family a joy but it was mixed because I wished my dad could have shared it it.  He would have fallen in love with her!  I felt the same was true when my son was born, my dad missed so much.  But who knows, maybe he got to see what was going on.  There's so much we don't know.  I believe he still exists, it's just changed, but I believe we'll be together again.
I shared stories about my dad with my kids so they could know who he was and how much they would have meant to him.  I tried to keep him alive to them.
It's never easy to accept the death of one we love, but we do it because we have no choice.  
(((hugs)))

[MartyT]

Annie, my dear, so many of your questions stem from the fact that this is probably your first experience with significant loss. It's like being dropped into a foreign country where you don't know the language, you don't have a map, and you don't know where you're going or how to get there. That is why it helps so much to do a bit of reading about grief, so you'll know what is normal, you'll have some idea of what to expect, and you won't feel so "crazy" and alone. Although grief is very much an individual experience and will be unique to you alone, there are certain reactions that are common enough to be universal. (See, for example, Grief: Understanding The Process.) As you've already discovered from being here with us, it also helps to be among others who've had losses similar to your own. As the saying goes, if you want to know what lies in the road ahead, talk to the people who are coming back. Not only can you learn how others have managed their reactions, but also it can give you hope that, if others have gone through this and survived, then you will find your own way, too.  ♥

[annie1992]

Kayc thank you so much for sharing your story. It is really helpful. And I agree with you.. There is a lot that we don't know. I sometimes can feel my dad with me and maybe he is really watching me from above. No one will really know I guess but I also believe that my dad is still alive. In my heart at least he's still living well. 

[annie1992]

MartyT thank you for your advice. I love what you said, "If you want to know what lies in the road ahead, talk to those coming back." My way of coping with anything really is by reading different self help books and experiences of people online. And yes it is my first experience dealing with death of a loved one. My emotions are all messed up and I know it's normal. I plan on attending two support groups for the first time this week so I hope that will make me feel better. I think it will help to be around others who also have experienced loss. 

Today as I was eating dinner at the dining table I cried so much. I have these thoughts of wishing he was still here and that I wasn't ready to say goodbye. I miss him so much!  I keep imaging the horrible images of him and how bad he must have felt for all these years (he was very ill). I keep asking myself questions like, "Is he happier now?" "Did he know he was about to pass away and just didn't want to show me?" "Did I do everything I could have done to keep him happy?" I hope that in time those images and questions will go away. 

[kayc]

Annie,

It's a comfort to me to know that those that I love (my husband, both parents, grandparents, niece, nephew, friends, pets, and even babies lost prematurely) that have passed before me are out of suffering and in a place where there is no more pain or sorrow.  They are no longer limited by these finite bodies, and I think of them as happy and busily awaiting our reunion.  
I'm sure you did everything you could to make your dad happy, those kinds of questions are ones we all ask ourselves  when they're gone from us.