Update - after Dad's death

[Gfdez]

So I posted on this about 4 months ago, I am just updating on my emotional state and what has been happening in my life after my dad's death. 

Since he died I feel like I have grown a lot as a person, I have been gigging with my new band and I feel we are doing really well. I used to tell my dad that I was going to be in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame kind of as a joke. He had faith in me and my music career and had help me write a lot of my songs and short stories/poems. I wish he was around to see my band play, he never experienced me gigging. I also started running my own music night at the Gallery of Modern Art (which is a massive accomplishment for me, even if I don't get payed). I have joined a group of young artists to work on events and projects. I joined a poetry class and I keep getting good grades (even though my attendance isn't great due to feeling sad in the mornings, and sometimes I miss my deadlines). I feel like I am doing all this stuff that I never had the guts to do before, as if my dad's death drives me to do better, to do what I wanted him to see. 

On the other hand, I am drinking too much. I get drunk at least twice a week (properly drunk) but probably drink more than that. When I get home I start crying, or on the walk home, just missing my dad madly. I stopped smoking as much. But still smoke too much weed as well. My addiction levels I feel are getting higher, I feel like reality becomes a bit much sometimes.

If I'm in the classroom, or busy filming or doing something active, I often catch myself drifting into sadness and start staring at the wall, thinking about some moment I'd spent with my dad. Being in his flat, watching movies together, listening to music together, reading books together, working on school projects. Since I hadn't spent that much time with him after I moved from my country, I feel like I have been robbed from a lot of memories I wanted to create. I feel like I lost so much time that I could have spent with him. For all this time away, as useful as it might have been, means nothing now that I cannot share my achievements with him. I miss my dad so much. 

His birthday went by, I made him an offering. A little paper boat filled with flowers that I set to float away on the river. I cried so much. I went to a restaurant after that. I laid all his stuff that I had at the other side of the table. His glasses, kindle, and drew an automatic drawing of him as well as I could remember him. I ordered food and pint and I pretended that I had this moment so spend with him on his birthday. Eating food he would have loved. I am dreading his death anniversary. I feel that my family are too far away and I have to go through this alone and I am really struggling. I am always sad. I am unfulfilled. My life feels empty no matter what I do, and only when I am drunk and dancing I feel a little bit better. I love him so much and it kills me not being able to speak to him again. He's dead. He's my dad and he's dead and I know this happens to everyone and I just have to get used to it. I just miss him and love him and wish that my dreams weren't the only method of communication I share with him. 

 

Here are some poems I wrote for him. Hopefully someone can find some comfort in them (the last one is my favourite).

 

--

I want to go back to a time when you were around

Sixties Rock and Roll.

The Beatles, Rolling stones,

“in my life I love you more”

Bob Dylan Janis Joplin,

Sabina in bed

“It hurts so” you are “going, going, gone.”

 

I want to go back to a time when you were around

One room and two of us.

A screen, a cinema.

A shower, a Jacuzzi.

A dining table, a lounge.

One room and two of us.

Wooden board; work of art

One room and two of us.

Wooden board; drums, guitar

 

I want to go back to a time when you were around

Again,

Hung on The Cloud.

My psychologist,

My number one fan.

Cynical but loving,

dirty and proud.

Again,

Hung on The Cloud.

I want to be in a time when you are around.

I want to be in a time when you are around.

 

 

Summer is ending dad.

It’s getting colder.

 

Who is distracting me from this grief? 

Friends?

Family?

I see them all dying: young ones, mother. Lover.

 

I feel guilty when I look at my girlfriends' eyes.

I feel she is getting tired.

Because of how much she tries and how little it affects me.

Her 'happy-go-lucky'; my sunglasses on a rainy day.

 

Dad, I am wearing black and everyone stares.

The dreams I used to share with you are now a necessity

I want to sing 'Came So Far From Beauty' to an audience but my voice cracks.

I am out of tune.

My ambition cannot be stopped.

I am tripping on the red carpet dad.

I wish you could see how ridiculous it is.

 

 

 

"Hold me" - I said.

We walked along the field.

It was hot; I got tired.

I was young and he held me while I slept on his arms.

My giant,

hero of the holidays.

Guided me through the tall grass.

Scared the bees away.

Put me back on my feet and I've been walking on my own ever since.

 

 

 

[kayc]

I like the last one best too.  Thank you for sharing them with us.
 

Have you tried a grief counselor?  Might be a lot more help than drinking, which is a depressant and the last thing you need right now.  Just a thought.
I appreciate your update, sometimes we wonder about people and don't hear back.