Froggie4635

A Milestone

13 posts in this topic

Just wanted to share the news to all my friends here...I PASSED MY DRIVER'S TEST!!!!  It hasn't really hit me just yet, but I wanted to share the news.

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I had NO IDEA how just completing this ONE task has affected so many other areas of my life...some good, some creating more adjustments.  I actually LOVE driving and am so very comfortable with the day to day driving I do, so much so that I want to drive somewhere instead of going home.  I continually push myself out of my comfort zone by driving to different areas and getting into more traffic.  I have finally gotten my MIL to accept that I am NOT going to call every morning and every evening.  Of course I now am responsible for paying for all the gas, even though I seem to get a lot of mileage out of each fill up.  One of the things that is beginning to surface is aspects of grieving that I did not really deal with because I was spending so much time (in person and on the phone) with Mark's mom.  I find I feel more anger now; anger that is not necessarily directed at any one thing.  I no longer am feeling under the thumb of my MIL, so now it is ALL ME and MY feelings.  I am feeling more emotions bubbling just under the surface, especially when I witness anything that has to do with couples...weddings, engagements, anniversaries.  Now that I am with just me more, I can begin to feel the aloneness.  I don't mind being alone; have always had a small circle of friends.  I was alone for quite a few years before I met Mark and I am settling back into that.  The difference now is that if I am tired of being alone, I can jump in the car and go be with people.  I now have more choices, and that creates both pros and cons...especially for someone who hasn't enjoyed making choices and decisions since Mark died.  Every so often when driving to work in the morning, I can hear Mark saying, "you're doin' it".  It's funny how losing the most important person in your life really takes away a lot of fear.  I've been through the worst thing that could happen and made it.  The one thing I was afraid of doing, I conquered it.  I'm not ready just yet for any new challenges.  I have been off kilter for most of this month, between having so much time off, and having to disassemble my office and my sanctuary because we were getting new carpet.  I need to get everything back in place and get back in my routine before I am ready to take on anything new.  But, like Mark has been  telling me...I'm DOIN' IT!

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Indeed you are DOIN' IT, Maryann, and I am so proud of you! ;)

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Maryann,  great news.  I am glad you can pursue your goals and dreams.  Good boundaries are a challenge, especially with family.  My sister is trying to pressure me to do something that makes her feel better but is not really necessary.  It feels good to say no.  Keep  on keeping on. - Shalom, George

 

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I am glad you are feeling more comfortable with your driving. I agree with you about pros and cons. I have struggled with "should I or shouldn't I" thoughts for a long while. When I do decide to do something that I would have shied away from after Jim died I am amazed how calm I become. I usually make a trip up to Sedona once a year during May ~ a place that Jim and I loved to spend time. The red rocks still take my breath away. I am thinking of driving up alone and spending a few days in reflection. This May will be five years since he has been gone. I hope you have your office back the way you like it. Keep 'DOIN' IT' 

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I'm glad for you, it's opened up a whole world of possibilities for you!

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Congratulations Maryann!  I feel proud of you!  I agree with you that experiencing a profound loss does help propel us when we are facing new fearful things not right away but after some time and healing we realize that we faced the most fearful thing and we are still here, we are still living, we made it.

It feels so good when we feel fear, do it anyways, conquer it and claim the victory!  Well done!

Blessings, Carol Ann

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Congratulations Maryann !  Such great news.

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The milestones in my life just keep coming...for the last few months I have been wanting so much to venture out into the world and see what is out there; stepping away from my safe cocoon of grief and widowhood.  I have felt something pulling me out.  Those who are close to me knew it was never their place to suggest it was "time".  I had to make that decision on my own, when I was completely ready.  Last week, I stepped out further than I have since Mark died.  And for the brief time I was out there, someone entered my life and I was intrigued.  At this point it is nothing more than emailing and texting.  But it makes me smile to see a message from him.  I have begun to release the hold I had on Mark and my loss.  I have been getting some signs telling me I was on the right track.  I removed so many of the things I felt I needed to remind me of Mark and I realized that he was always there, and that he wasn't going to go away.  But I also felt ready to make room in my heart.  I decided this weekend to remove my wedding rings and replace it with a simple widow band...a sterling silver eternity band with black stones (cubic zirconia).  I am going to put away a majority of the pictures I had all over my house of Mark; things that I put up right after he died to try and hold on and feel close to him.  I had to learn that he was ALREADY close and I no longer needed all the reminders.  No one can replace Mark EVER.  And the things I have left around my home now make me smile instead of feeling somber.  Losing Mark the way I did taught me one thing...life is so short.  It is one thing to be patient; it is another to keep your life on hold.  I felt I needed to keep my life the way it was when I was married.  Technically I'm not married any longer.  Mark would want me to find happiness and accept it when it walked into my life.  I have really gotten re-connected to Maryann.  I feel now like I am more than just existing; I am ready to open my life and my heart and move forward into the future.

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I am so happy for you, Maryann. And proud of you, too! 

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I love the fact that strong women can act on what is right for themselves. You are doing just that, Maryann. It is good to realize that if we keep our hearts open we will find what is right for us. As you have said your Mark is and always will be with you. I am happy for you. I am happy that you are keeping your heart open to whatever will bring you happiness. 

Anne

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