delayed grief

[GLVH]

I am new to this site and am so grateful I have found it.  I have suffered two significant losses in my life.  My daughter was stillborn 9 years ago and I had to deliver her after she passed which was a three day horrid ordeal where I also almost lost my life.  Three months after her death I was in complete PTSD.  I lost 30 lbs my hair was falling out , I couldn't sleep or eat and felt so lost and unable to care for my two beautiful children.  But through therapy and medication and self love I fought my way back to myself.  WEll my mom passed away from cancer three years ago and I really feel as if I am just beginning to mourn.  My parents were married for 46 years and after she died I took care of my dad, selling the family home, getting him into a condo, dealing with divorce, and simply trying to get my family through.  After emergency surgery in October to remove my gall bladder, and then my dad announcing he is getting remarried, coupled with some issues my children are dealing with, I felt myself crash. I barely made it through the holidays, Ive lost 10lbs. have a ton of anxiety and feel overwhelmed by everything.  I began therapy again last week but I'm having a hard time understanding how this grief has come crashing out of nowhere.  I felt I had been taking steps over the last three years to grieve.  But I feel as if its all so raw.  Because of the PTSD I was worried that I was spiraling back to that person who lost 30lbs and felt so out of control.  My therapist has said its very normal but I hate that I have to go through this all again.  It took years to feel like I had come to a place of peace and love with my grief for Ella.  But the anxiety and fear and sadness are very overwhelming.  I am wondering if anyone else has experienced this delayed grief? I cant seem to find my footing in this journey.  its different than when I lost my daughter.  My mom and I were very close and she was the true heart of my whole big family.  Just want to feel the sun on my face again . I can see it I just cant tap into it to help me heal.  Thanks for listening

[kayc]

GLVH,

Wow, you really are going through a lot at once!  Your therapist is correct, what you are going through is very normal for the circumstances.  I'm not sure it's delayed grief so much as complicated grief, that is...when you experience loss, it seems like it piles up with previous loss to make one huge ball of mess-loss.  What you are going through has triggered your previous experiences to come to the surface and now you find you have all of these losses hitting you at once.  You say you went through therapy before, was it with a professional grief counselor?  Is your current therapist a professional grief counselor?  Because they are not all one and the same.  I highly recommend a counselor that specializes in grief, they are best qualified to help you through this maze of grief.
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/10/seeing-specialist-in-grief-counseling.html

I am very sorry for the loss of your daughter.  That must have been a very hard time.  I have lost three that I miscarried, but to carry one to term only to lose them seems a league all of its own.  You will forever love and grieve this child.  It's not like it ever goes completely away or you get over it.  But the good news is, you can learn to adjust to and cope with this loss and grief.  I have learned to coexist with grief.  I have lost my precious husband, 11 years ago, my mom 2 years ago, my dad 34 years ago, countless pets, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and a niece and nephew, and my dear sweet MIL that was my best friend, and my FIL that I also loved dearly.

I am also sorry about the loss of your mother.  Even two years later, I find myself wanting to stop and see my mom, or call her, or tell her the news I'm going to be a grandmother again, how happy she'd be!  But then I remember I can't.  It's hard, it seems to eke out little by little when you least expect it.  But I've also learned to experience that grief and feel it, and let it flow...in...and out.  I've learned that death is a part of the cycle of life.  It's us that expect life to be a certain number of years when in reality, there is no such guarantee...life can be all too short, or very long, and deservedness or worthiness has no bearing on how long it is.  It just is what it is.  I railed against my husband's dying just past his 51st birthday!  We were supposed to grow old together!  We had our porch swing bought and assembled on our patio, how was I supposed to grow old by myself?!  Yet that is what is happening.  I've had to learn to be at peace with being alone.  

I look forward to being with these people that I love again.  That hope sustains me.  Meanwhile, I talk to my husband and mom, I continue to love them and hold them in my heart.  Death did not kill our love, it merely meant their physical bodies no longer sustained them, but their spirits continue to live on.  I don't know much about the afterlife, but there are experts that study the afterlife and they agree on some commonalities...that life continues, the spirit of the being continues, and that it's peaceful.  That has had to be enough for me.  

Even your divorce is a loss.  It's the loss of dreams, of what you thought was going to happen, of growing old with the person you shared so much history with.  Its often accompanied by feelings of betrayal and self-doubt.  These alone warrant some therapy and work on ones self.  It's good to give yourself the loving kindness and understanding you so deserve, the same love and understanding and patience you would give to a loved one...you ARE the person called upon to best love yourself!  With divorce also comes need for forgiveness towards the other person...not based on what they deserve, not because whatever part they played in their role was "okay", but because you want to release it and not give it any power to change you through the avenues of resentment or bitterness.  Boundaries should still be drawn, lessons learned, and caution added, but it's okay to let go of the bad feelings and move past them.  

Even your dad's news is another upheaval for you.  It may be a positive step, only time will tell, but it's his to make and decide, and the results are his to own as well, we can't control that.  Sometimes it's hard to understand how someone who had such a wonderful lengthy relationship can make such a quick decision to remarry...yet often it is just BECAUSE they had such a wonderful relationship the first time that they are desirous of another such relationship.  Men especially do not seem to want to live alone, although anyone can experience this.  She will never replace your mom, their relationship will not be like your mom's and his, but it can add to his life and hopefully to yours in time.

I hope you will continue to come here and post and keep us appraised of the progress you are making with all of these hard places in your life.  You'll find an audience of very caring understanding people here, without judgment.  This may be a long journey, but I guarantee you, it's one of much growth and richness when we let it be.

(((hugs)))

Kay
 

[GLVH]

Hi Kay,

Yes both counselors/therapists specialized in grief and healing.  Thank you for responding.  Its been a very tough few months and Im taking it day by day trying to move through all of the grief and anxiety all these changes has brought.  Thank you again!

[kayc]

I'm glad they are grief specialists.  I made the mistake of going to a counselor (who said he was a grief counselor but NOT!) and that was not a good experience!  He had not a clue!
Marty just posted about a free webinar on anxiety that I signed up for.  It's Peggy Haymes and she's good!
https://my.demio.com/ref/4C6tOUT8I2EeSuAU

[GLVH]

its been a few days since I posted.  I am doing ok.  Ive begun journaling again and trying to live in the moment.  My therapist and I had a good session Wednesday.  Anxiety and grief are a very scary roller coaster.  Today is a good day, even if I woke with emptiness so deep it scared me.  But I know that this grief is using its voice to show me what I couldn't feel and process when my mom passed three years ago.  I am deeply grieving now as if she just passed away and its ok.  I can hear her in my mind saying 'its ok Gemma your heart and soul are tapping into the grief and its normal and healthy and part of this journey." I wasn't able to hear her in my mind weeks ago.  To hear her again, even if its for a few fleeting minutes is comforting.  When I lost my daughter, I was in such a state of barely surviving it took years to find my footing .  I can see my precious girl at times showing me how far I have come and to trust that I am strong enough to walk this journey again.  One of the scariest parts has been not being able to feel the amazing deep love for my kids, or my love Gregory or my friends .  But as my therapist explained, right now your mind body and soul are in the grief and you are weathering a storm of emotions that you cant feel your center right now and its ok because it will come.  Grief knocked the crap out of me as if it was out of no where, all the things I have been through triggered all of this grief and its ok.  I am grateful for another day on this beautiful earth, even if I don't feel that to my core, I see it and know that I am doing an amazing job for someone who has lost two of the most important parts of me , my daughter and my mother.  I have two beautiful children here on earth and I am so very lucky.  But I realize the losses I have endured are just as painful and devastating as a person can endure.  I will keep moving forward keeping the intention of self love and healing in the fore front of my mind.  Thank you for listening

[kayc]

It sounds like your therapist is doing a good job and YOU are doing a good job with your grief work!  I'm glad to hear your report and wishing you the best in your journey.  Please come back here any time, we're always here listening and caring.

[Clematis]

On 1/2/2017 at 3:55 PM, GLVH said:

  I am wondering if anyone else has experienced this delayed grief? 

It sounds like you are really going through a lot at once, and I think that makes it hard to sort things out. I lost my dad in January 2016, lost my beloved aunt two months later, and then was had a car accident related head injury in May, just four months later, and it has been hard to tell if my exhaustion, anxiety, irritation, brain fog, and so on was related to the head injury, the grief, or both. 

I think the delayed grief is common because people can't really deal with one loss at the time it occurs for one or more reasons. My mother died in 2005, the same summer I graduated grad school as a school psychologist, relocated to a new job in my new profession. Also that summer I had foot surgery and a respiratory infection I could not shake because I was in between doctors and insurance policies, and had more than a little stress. I travelled across the country to her funeral (with a post-surgery boot) and spoke at the gravesite. My sisters and I all had complicated relationships with her because she was so narcissistic. I thought my grieving for her was all there was.

As he came out of the shadows where he had been all my life, I saw things about my dad I had never seen and I also saw that my sisters had no interest in him. I was terrified that this father I had never really known would shortly follow my mother. I coaxed him to move to AZ from PA, telling him he would have more fun out here with me. He was almost 80 and had Parkinson's. We became the best of friends and I took care of him for a decade, as he declined. I helped him and he helped me; he was very supportive and totally had my back. I felt more love and acceptance from him in those ten years than I have ever had from anyone in my life. We talked constantly, I saw him almost every day, we shared many many meals, and he helped me when I needed it - like when I lost my job. I also had the opportunity to get to know my mother - even after her passing - through him, and to understand many things from the family history that had never made sense.

Losing my father has been a devastating loss; I lost my best friend, the person who had become my significant other and constant companion, my safety net, and a large focus of my life (taking care of him) as well as losing the my dad - the father of my childhood and youth. But additionally I lost my connection to my mother and all of my grandparents and aunts and uncles and my entire past. Also, my sisters stopped talking to me. I felt like I was totally alone in the world and had only my cat and my father's possessions that I was sifting through, searching for something to hold onto. I felt like I was in free fall and totally cast adrift in space. I think a lot of that was an accumulation of delayed grief, but compounded by the burden of dealing with my father's estate alone and having to consolidate our two households into one, the fear of having lost my security/safety net, having lost half of my work, and having to handle all of this in a giant brain fog of a head injury.

My father clung to me after losing his wife, whom he had loved since they were children, and I reassured him over and over that I would never leave him and would do absolutely anything he needed for the rest of his life no matter how bad it got. He was, I eventually realized, equally committed to me, but that wasn't apparent to either of us at the start. Had he decided to remarry, I would have known in my head that he had every right to pursue happiness and remarry, and I was his daughter and not a wife to him. But I am positive that I would have felt betrayed and devastated by that loss. Of course I would have lost him in the end anyway, but it would have been worse to have lost him twice - to his new wife and then to death. It would have been horrible to watch her in the position of sifting through our family's treasures deciding what to do with things.

Anyway, it doesn't seem like your grief has come crashing out of nowhere; I think it's been all around you all along. More like you're out swimming in an ocean of grief and overwhelming feelings for years now. But any of us can deal with only so much at once. Even with wave after wave crashing over your little head out there and more waves all around you can still only deal with what's right in your face. 

My cat has been my little life preserver, and I have gained rather than lost weight. I sure went through a lot of macaroni & cheese and boxes of Lucky Charms. I have also eaten tons of veggies with the mac & cheese. I thought I was making progress when I was able to stand at the stove and make my own baked mac & cheese rather than buying it prepared. But as soon as I cope with one wave, another has come to crash over my head. Over time it has gotten better and I think I am going to survive. I think you will too.

[MartyT]

 

3 hours ago, GLVH said:

I will keep moving forward keeping the intention of self love and healing in the fore front of my mind. Thanks for listening.

We are listening, Gemma. Your post is a testament to the value of choosing to work with a qualified grief counselor, and I thank you for sharing your experience. I see it as a priceless gift you can give to yourself ~ one that can change your life for the better. Good for you for making that choice! I love your last statement, and I wish you all the best in your grief journey.  ♥

[GLVH]

Its been an up and down roller coaster these last days, Yesterday was a trainwreck of anxiety.  I had to take a .5 of xanax to calm myself down.  I remember after I lost Ella there were times I had to as well and it angered me then as it does now that I can't just call to the peace on my own.  But I then remind myself Ive had two therapy sessions and have complicated grief that has finally surfaced with my mom even if its three years after she has passed.  I am functioning on a better level but today Im feeling depressed, not hopeless, just depressed like today on some level my mind is accepting your gone mom.  I talk to you everyday and some times I can hear you in my heart and it is calming but other times its not.  Im still angry on many levels that I have to feel so all over the place.  My therapist explained that in complicated grief is a rough journey because I have already walked the path of getting to a place of a bit of healing with losing my daughter and that horrific time so , grieving my mom is kind of piled on top of it.  Calling to your peace and center is much more difficult when you have PTSD and have suffered two very traumatic losses. On many levels my mind is still fighting to control the grief and anxiety because of Ella, and as much as I love and miss mom.  That journey was so utterly and exquisitely painful , my mind is like NO Way! not going through that again.  But I believe the more I talk and journal and practice putting the positive intentions in my mind.  I am learning new pathways through the anxiety.  My therapist said after trauma and loss , the fight or flight trigger is very strong , and in my case , the hyper aware state is the grief and loss of two of the loves of my life.  My daughter and my mom.  I am learning that grieving mom is its own journey, even if my mind takes me back to Ella and all I went through to get to a place of some peace with it.  I lost my touch stone, my best friend and even though she walks with me in spirit everyday, I am still grieving the deep hole left in my heart without her.  But she is walking with God and Ella and they are all cheering me on - my personal angel army and I will see myself and find my new normal with all of their love and support behind me.  

[kayc]

I'm glad you're getting therapy and it's helping you understand what's going on.  Wishing you well.

[GLVH]

its been an ok week.  I had a very intense therapy session Wednesday and it was more tears and sadness than I could even describe.  However as much of a release as it was , the anxiety still lingers.  My therapist said I am still searching for my footing. I know I have written that before but its still an everyday thing.  I am able to fall asleep but am up at 4 or 430 from the nagging anxiety.  I can say I am beginning to feel a bit of control over the surges but not nearly to the extend I wish for.  I was so anxious when I went into therapy Wednesday because I was reading up on what complicated grief is and it scared me.  She said instead of reading up on what 'it' may or may not be, why not be kind to yourself and say this is what  my journey is and that its ok.  She said the minds ego is designed to always be on alert and it does its job well, sometimes too well so in grief , which is not a fluid linear process - keeps our ego on alert.  Practicing self love and positive self talk are small steps to moving into a place of controlling the negative anxious what ifs? I practice tapping and visualization of positive life affirming words and I have to say, my anxiety dial which was up to an 8 a few months ago -meaning very high all the time, to a 5 when its at its highest through out the day.  To me that is great progress.  I wake thanking God for another day on earth and all that I have and even if it doesn't quell the anxiety , its creating new positive steps towards healing.  Catherine, my therapist said many feel that seeing is believing, but when we are healing, sometimes we need to look at that the opposite way.  Believing until we see.  That belief intention, held in the mind, while we are grieving and feeling all the intense feelings of grief helps create new pathways in our energy.  I am a survivor of two traumatic losses, I suffer frm PTSD and I am still here.  I am grateful to my soul even if in grief I cant feel it to my soul yet.  After I lost ella, my daughter, I was in the same state.  But I held steady and was able, over time to feel that gratitude to my soul.  I have faith that I will feel that again.  As my very wise friend always tells me, its baby steps.  One foot in front of the other.

[MartyT]

It seems to me that you are working with a very wise therapist, my dear, along with your very wise friend. Good for you. ♥

[kayc]

Under Tools for Healing there is a webinar listed for anxiety, I signed up, there is one for the 19th.
It's good to get the tears out, it helps to not bottle it up and I find it cleansing.  Yes, baby steps, one day at a time.  I like the one foot in front of the other quote.

[GLVH]

I had such a grace happening at therapy last night.  When I lost my daughter years ago, using visualization and guided imagery were very helpful tools in my journey with the PTSD and grief .  I explained to my new therapist when I first began seeing her that I wasn't able to use my 'tools' and I couldn't visualize anything in my mind this time around when the grief and anxiety came crashing down on me just before Thanksgiving.  Well, last night - I was able to with her.  I told her that my visualizations I had used weren't helping and she suggested that maybe it was time for a new visualization,a new space for myself . And I was able to and it was amazing.  Anxiety can be a taxing constant defeating beast that makes one feel like they are never going to stop the cycle.  That was a huge gift last night.  Being able to see myself in a safe peaceful space was so comforting.  Thank you for listening!

[MartyT]

And thank you for sharing this, GLVH. I am happy for you. Your new therapist sounds like a gem.

[kayc]

I'm so glad!

[GLVH]

Just wanted to check in.  Today is my sons 14th birthday. My baby boy, my bud.  While I have such pride and joy being blessed to be his mom, its very difficult not to cry that my mom isn't here to celebrate with us.  Again, she left us over three years ago , yet the pain is as raw as if it happened yesterday.  I know in spirit she is with us, but when I find myself alone I sometimes still release such guttural cries for her I know the pain is the little girl in me still coming to grips with her physically not being here.  Im not terrified of it anymore.  Im beginning to see the light of me again.. because of my PTSD, it rocked me and brought me back to losing my daughter but- little by little I am finding me again in all of this. I cant see my therapist for a few weeks because of financial issues but she has already given me very helpful tools to work with so I know I can do it.   Anxiety, grief and healing are exhausting.. but im still standing and im still talking to my mom in my head everyday and it helps. 

[kayc]

Happy Birthday to your son!  

You have been through so much, it's no wonder you'e feeling all of this.  It's been 2 1/2 years since I lost my mom, I understand your feelings.  You're right in that one loss brings up a previous one, it seems they all pile on top of each other, collecting as they go so that it gets harder.  I've found it helps to try to separate them and deal with them one at a time.  Wishing you well, I hope you can see your therapist soon.

[Mama's baby]

Dear Gemma,

You are describing exactly what I'm experiencing! Actually I was searching with the keyword "delayed grief" and I found this. Same as you, I had severe PTSD after my mom's death two years ago. She committed suicide, and after that my life was all shattered, and I was constantly in fear for a year. Luckily, I worked through that with the help of my therapist as well as medication. Recently I came off of the medication, and after a month of processing emotions and feelings, I can't believe (I was shocked to find out) that I was never able to normally grieve over my mom's death, because all I knew was fear toward her suicide. But just last week I felt such a deep connection with her and that's when I really started to grieve, because now I remember her and that love and mother/daughter bond just resurfaced so strongly. It is very frustrating, because (as you know) with the history of PTSD, anything can get very scary. My fight-or-flight is on the edge, although I'm able to manage it this time because I have had so much experience with it. I was constantly scared of my own death and the fear that suicide would come take me, but now I know that is not the truth. Still, when I'm extremely sad, that fight-or-flight is so much on alert that not only I need to deal with my sadness, I need to deal with my anxiety.

I'm learning to focus on my grief when I'm sad. I keep telling myself that it is okay to feel sad, to feel pain, because pain is healing. My body has such a huge mental protective response to pain (I think you know what I'm talking about...). 

But after all, despite all of the sadness, I can finally grieve. Even that is a progress.

Have a peaceful night,

Chen 

[kayc]

Chen,

I'm glad you've been working through it all, it's very hard but you're doing it!  And I'm glad you realize you don't have to go the same route.  I'm sorry you lost your mother.