Do I have a right to be angry?

[Panda1982]

My mother has been dead a year ago today. She and I were very close and I spoke to her nearly every day untill the last two months of her life.  She was the victim of domestic violence from my father, and when she recended the restraing order I begged her to live with me and she refused. I told her I could not subject my family to the violence anymore and I made a choice, her or my family. That was the last I spoke to her. She died of a heart attack two months later. The past year has been difficult. I have gotten past blaming myself, I know I didn't cause this. However I don't feel I have support from the people I love most. I waited to tell several people to avoid coloquealizms that people tend to say during times of grief because they think they are inspirational, however are usually as best, hurtful, but mostly abusive. I called my best friend from high school around my birthday at the 6 month mark. We have grown apart over the years, and as an adult I have grieved openly the distance between us. I have reached out to her in the past, and it has been difficult to connect. At the urgency of her mother she would talk me into contacting her every couple of years. When I told her initally that my mother passed she seemed supportive, and reconnecting gave me new hope for our friendship. However since then, we have spoken only once more and only a few texts. I sent her a text a few days ago saying that the 1 year mark was approaching, I was feeling overwhelmed and if I could call her in the next few days. She never responded to let me know a good time. She did call me this afternoon, and I had bad reception where I was and asked if I could call her back in ten minutes. She said that would be fine. I called eight minutes later and the call went to voicemail. I texted her a few minutes later, incase she didn't hear the call. That was several hours ago. I feel hurt, abandoned, and angry. I try and remind myself that she has a new baby, and he is probably the one taking up her time and I shouldn't be mad. However I feel after I shared with her initially how hard it was to reach out, she would understand better. I feel it would have been easier if she had never called today in the first place. Now I am waiting by the phone and I know she won't call. Do I have a right to be angry?

[enna]

Of course, you have a right to be angry. Your feelings are yours and that is OK. I am very sorry for the loss of your mother. I am so glad you are not blaming yourself. Your friend may very well be busy and that does not mean you have done anything to cause her lack of attendance to you. I hope you get a phone call soon. One thing you will find when you come here is that there are very caring people here who understand. 

[kayc]

Panda,

I am sorry for the loss of your mother.  It's very hard, knowing we did our best with them but they didn't always make the choices that would have been best for them.  We do have to let their choices (and consequences) be their's, and I'm glad you understand that.

I'm sorry you are experiencing "let down" with your friend.  When I lost my husband, all of my friends disappeared on me.  They didn't attend his funeral, were "busy" if I tried to call, didn't call me back.  It was a sifting process for me, I learned to make new friends that were more in line with what I thought a friend should be.  I would never have done that to them,  I have learned this is common, that people often just don't know what to say to the griever, so they disappear on them.  That doesn't make it right though.  Only we can decide if that's something we can get past or not.

I hope you hear from your friend and that it's as Anne (enna) said, she was just busy, nothing personal intended.  I agree with her reply, you have every right to feel anger.

[Panda1982]

Thank you. We have been friends since we were 13. Unfortunately I have been let down by her before. We were in undergrad in different states and we were not as close, but still in contact. I got excited when we ended up in grad school in the same town, however it felt like I never got to see her. I feel like I make excuses for her all the time. Eventually we stop communicating, but I stay in contact with her mother. She always says that I should not let a long friendship like ours go, but I often feel I am the only one who makes an effort. There is always a justification I make, but it still hurts. I feel like I am pininig for my friend and grieving my loss at the same time.

[kayc]

Only you can decide if this relationship is helping or hurting you.  I've invested way too much in friendships that weren't satisfactory but now I find myself alone.  I'm longing for my friend that moved away to TX...