I feel guilty to grieve and guilty if I don't grieve

[tanyam]

Hi, just a bit of history with me.  I am a 40 year old single mother (father is completely not involved) of a 9  year old daughter.  My mother was my everything and she loved her granddaughter more than anything.  We talked everyday, went out, did everything together, went on trips.  My life always included her, she is my best friend.  Two years ago she was diagnosed with a rare cancer and life started to go down hill.  My mother's husband (not my father) was not able to deal with doctors so I jumped right into.  Last year my brother was also diagnosed with Cancer.  Then on April 5th 2016 my mom passed away.  I would have panic attacks thinking of having to live life without her, I was only 39 and now both parents were gone.  I constantly called my brother and my sister crying, them to.  It was just a very hard time for all of us.  Two months after my mom passed away, I found out that I had breast cancer(early stage).  To say the last two years have been hard is an understatement.  Long story short I had to get a lumpectomy then chemo and I am almost done radiation. 

During my mom's cancer journey, it stressed me greatly.  There were upsetting family issues taking place, I was at the hospital 3-4 times a week and then taking calls from doctors/specialists while working and raising my daughter.  I somehow feel I brought the cancer on by neglecting myself and upsetting myself.  That said, my cancer journey has kept me busy to say the least and as it is almost done I have trouble grieving my mom.  I mean I can think of her and than be upset because I miss her, but as soon as I start, I think that by living life this way that I am not being grateful for having an early stage cancer while others do not get so lucky.  Then if I don't grieve my mom and stop myself from doing it, I feel I am dishonouring her memory like she meant nothing.  This I struggle with this especially since my daughter comes to me at times to tell me how much she misses grandma.

I did initially see a grief counsellor prior to finding out I had cancer but I guess I expected more.  Not because the counsellor was not good, but I guess I was looking for an unrealistic expectation of feeling better or somehow that my mom dying was not real (although I know it is very real).

 

Not sure how to proceed with this.

[MartyT]

My dear, I'm so sorry for all the losses you've endured, and to be hit with breast cancer on top of that ~ I simply cannot imagine. This is stress to the tenth power! Still, I highly doubt that you brought the cancer on yourself. That smacks of saying "this is all my fault" ~ which brings a load of irrational guilt on top of whatever else you're feeling. This belief may also serve to prevent you from giving your grief at the loss of your mom the attention it deserves. 

There is a saying that those who grieve well, heal well. What does this mean? Grief is the natural and normal expression of significant loss, disappointment and failure. Grieving releases emotional pain. When we grieve well, the grief doesn't have to be carried and stored. Rather, it can be expressed, felt, and released. Listen to your daughter. When she comes to you at times to tell you how much she misses Grandma, she is demonstrating what is a normal and healthy response to grief. When you share with her how much you also are missing this dear person who has died, you're not only releasing your own pain, but you are demonstrating to your daughter a powerful life lesson: Loss is a natural part of life, and it is normal and healthy to mourn for those we love when they leave us. Please don't miss this opportunity to model healthy mourning for your daughter!

You say "by living life this way that I am not being grateful for having an early stage cancer while others do not get so lucky." It seems to me that luck has nothing to do with this. You're certainly not "lucky" for getting cancer! Obviously you could have denied your family history of cancer, failed to get a mammogram, or ignored the recommendations of your doctors once it was discovered. Instead you chose to get the treatment recommended, and we all know that was not a picnic!  What I see is a woman who is sensible enough and responsible enough to take good care of herself and to practice good self-care.

What you can do now is to stay on the path you're on ~ and focus on your grief at the death of your mother. There is grief work to be done, and you've begun by coming here. Good for you, and Welcome!

[kayc]

Tanya,

I am so sorry for the loss of your mom...and for cancer striking your family so many times.  You've had a hard road but your mom raised a good daughter to be a strong woman and you've stepped up to the plate.  Taking care of others can be exhausting and as a caregiver it's so important to take care of ourselves, first and foremost.  I've been there and I look back and don't know how I did it.  At the time you just do what you must.  To do all that alone is tremendously hard, I wasn't a single parent at the time.  

It's not too late to get a good grief counselor, one who can help you find your way through grief.  It's very hard to do it on your own.  I lost my father when I was 29, my husband when I was 52, and my mom ten years later.  I've lost countless friends, pets, grandparents, aunts, uncles, niece, nephew.  All losses are not the same.  Some we were super close to and it's very hard (my husband) and we need help getting through that loss, processing it, accepting it, learning to build our lives into something we can live with that incorporates hope and enjoyment...and purpose.  

You still have a child at home and that can be a blessing as it gives you reason to go on and it seems you have to push yourself just a little harder to try and find joy for her sake if not your own.  But it's also daunting parenting alone...before you weathered it with your mom by your side, now I'm sure you're feeling it all the more.  You will make this journey, the same as the rest of us here, one day at a time.  Being a cancer survivor changes your outlook on life as well...I have not had cancer but a good friend of mine is a stage 4 breast cancer survivor and she's shared a lot with me.  A close friend of mine was not so fortunate, I lost her last year.  I don't think you look at life the same again.  The same is true after losing someone close to you.  It's like an innocence was taken, we can't ever take life for granted again.  People seem to either become despondent about life or want to live it to the fullest, but it seems loss affects us greatly however we choose to live afterwards.  Yes, it's a choice.  People don't like to hear that, but it's true.  Our attitude and focus makes a tremendous difference!  I choose to look for good in life.  I battle anxiety so I definitely have to choose how I'm going to focus to get through and past the anxiety, each and every day of my life.

 I don't think of the things that have happened to me as necessarily bad things although they seemed that way, but as changes I need to process and make my way through.  Life never stays the same, and death is part of that cycle.  I miss my husband each and every day of my life.  My thoughts are constantly on him.  I've learned to coexist with my grief.  But I'm glad I'm alive, without which I would not have been able to experience the adoption of my dog and cat, or the entrance of my grandchild (and two more on the way!), or getting to know people in my church and senior site.  I've been snowed in this last month, and as such in survival mode, shoveling snow until I thought I'd drop, both vehicles broke down.  Today was the first day in a long time that I do not see fresh snow on the ground, and it feels good.  I get to go to the senior site today and be with the people I enjoy...it's been canceled six out of 8 times in the last month, so it's encouraging that today it will finally take place again.  I say all this to you to say, you will incorporate good things into your life to look forward to, good things to enjoy. Life won't ever be like it was before, and you will miss that, but our work of rebuilding our lives is so important.  First though...the grieving, the realizing our loss, realizing all of the many losses that come with the loss of that person.  Your routines that change, the traditions that are now altered.  At first it was hard for me to go to a grocery store or church by myself.  Now I do almost everything by myself.  My life is very much alone, I live alone, it's up to me to decide everything, to take care of myself, there is no one else to share that with me or even talk it over with.  But I have been doing this for 11 1/2 years now, if I can, I know anyone can...one day at a time.  Or as olemisfit (on our site) says, one foot in front of the other.

Welcome to our site.  We're here to listen whenever you need to talk.

[tanyam]

15 hours ago, MartyT said:

My dear, I'm so sorry for all the losses you've endured, and to be hit with breast cancer on top of that ~ I simply cannot imagine. This is stress to the tenth power! Still, I highly doubt that you brought the cancer on yourself. That smacks of saying "this is all my fault" ~ which brings a load of irrational guilt on top of whatever else you're feeling. This belief may also serve to prevent you from giving your grief at the loss of your mom the attention it deserves. 

There is a saying that those who grieve well, heal well. What does this mean? Grief is the natural and normal expression of significant loss, disappointment and failure. Grieving releases emotional pain. When we grieve well, the grief doesn't have to be carried and stored. Rather, it can be expressed, felt, and released. Listen to your daughter. When she comes to you at times to tell you how much she misses Grandma, she is demonstrating what is a normal and healthy response to grief. When you share with her how much you also are missing this dear person who has died, you're not only releasing your own pain, but you are demonstrating to your daughter a powerful life lesson: Loss is a natural part of life, and it is normal and healthy to mourn for those we love when they leave us. Please don't miss this opportunity to model healthy mourning for your daughter!

You say "by living life this way that I am not being grateful for having an early stage cancer while others do not get so lucky." It seems to me that luck has nothing to do with this. You're certainly not "lucky" for getting cancer! Obviously you could have denied your family history of cancer, failed to get a mammogram, or ignored the recommendations of your doctors once it was discovered. Instead you chose to get the treatment recommended, and we all know that was not a picnic!  What I see is a woman who is sensible enough and responsible enough to take good care of herself and to practice good self-care.

What you can do now is to stay on the path you're on ~ and focus on your grief at the death of your mother. There is grief work to be done, and you've begun by coming here. Good for you, and Welcome!

Hi Marty, thanks for getting back to me.  I also don't think I'm lucky to get cancer-I would never think that.  I mean I should be grateful that the stage is early.  That's me trying to find the positive in a very scary situation.

Its funny I would never want to go to doctors for fear of finding out something but after my mom passed away, for some reason when I felt that lump there was no hesitation, I just went.  I have a voicemail my mom left shortly before she died and she told me she loved me and through my appointments, surgery and treatment I will listen to it because I know if she was here she would say that and be there for me.  I also would open both my hands one for God and one for my mom, for them to take my hand and help me through what was coming.  I do grieve my mom but what I am saying is that I try hard to not let it get so bad where I end up having panic attacks--thinking of a long life ahead without her seems impossible.  My daughter does see me get upset and we both at times while out if we see someone older we may go quiet because we both know what the other is feeling.  My mom was there when she was born in the delivery room and in our lives daily.  It certainly is something to lose the only person you have loved the longest.  My mom is my best friend and without her here, it feels like the world is a little less brighter.  Thankfully I have my brother and my sister and we  have all become much closer. 

Thank you for welcoming me to this group.

[kayc]

I understood that you were being positive in light of the cancer diagnosis, that's a good attitude trait that will carry you far.  I'm glad you've become closer to your brother and sister.  

One of the things I've learn in my grief is not to look at the whole rest of my life...which invites anxiety, and try to stay in today so I can appreciate the present or at least only be tackling the problems of today.  Sure we have to plan ahead, but we don't have to dwell on the whole unknown future, that's too much.  Even 2 1/2 years after my mom died, I still want to call her or go see her...and it hits again.