AB3 Posted January 15, 2017 Report Share Posted January 15, 2017 I really feel like people need "sensitivity training" or at least a filter. Is it so hard to be even a bit understanding of someone's grief. We have all lost someone at some point, so at least one should understand what a "loss" entails or how important it is to be empathetic towards others. I walked in to work this evening, a coworker of mine, who wants me to draw a picture for his company (I'm a graphic designer or use to be one prior to this) asked did I do his picture for him. I responded with "no I'm going through alot right now" as he's well aware. His response: "oooh you're still going through it? No of course not I'm all better, I didn't just lose the love of my life!!! I'm so tired of dealing with this insensitive world. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted January 15, 2017 Report Share Posted January 15, 2017 Unbelievable. Not even a month and that is the response you get? He would be lucky to be alive in my world and I'm at 2 years. I constantly amazed at people's expectations. This was a human being we lost....OUR human being that completed our world, not like losing a wallet and the hassle of replacing the contents. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 15, 2017 Report Share Posted January 15, 2017 Unfortunately those lucky people who haven't YET had to experience grief are lost causes. It's kinda like expecting someone to be able to relate to how much it would hurt to have a tooth pulled without novacaine. We can describe to them how bad it hurt, but until they sit down in the dentist's chair and actually experience it first hand, they will not be able to have the slightest clue just how much it's gonna hurt. Sometimes it even requires a person to just use some plain old fashioned common sense, and that's something that seems to be in short supply these days. Here I go again... One foot in front of the other... Darrel Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marie Lee Posted January 16, 2017 Report Share Posted January 16, 2017 That's a lot of pressure AB....I hope you get some relief soon. A high pressured job and grief...take it easy... People are....interesting ....hmm, maybe I don't want to move closer to people ...lol!!! They say the darnedest things... Hugs, Marie 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AB3 Posted January 16, 2017 Author Report Share Posted January 16, 2017 4 hours ago, Gwenivere said: This was a human being we lost....OUR human being that completed our world, not like losing a wallet and the hassle of replacing the contents. Exactly! 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AB3 Posted January 16, 2017 Author Report Share Posted January 16, 2017 4 hours ago, olemisfit said: Unfortunately those lucky people who haven't YET had to experience grief are lost causes. It's kinda like expecting someone to be able to relate to how much it would hurt to have a tooth pulled without novacaine. We can describe to them how bad it hurt, but until they sit down in the dentist's chair and actually experience it first hand, they will not be able to have the slightest clue just how much it's gonna hurt. Sometimes it even requires a person to just use some plain old fashioned common sense, and that's something that seems to be in short supply these days. Here I go again... One foot in front of the other... Darrel Darrel you are absolutely right. Common sense would be nice though. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AB3 Posted January 16, 2017 Author Report Share Posted January 16, 2017 2 hours ago, Marie Lee said: People are....interesting ....hmm, maybe I don't want to move closer to people ...lol!!! They say the darnedest things... Marie, Exactly, that's why I'm a loner I guess.... 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DaveM Posted January 16, 2017 Report Share Posted January 16, 2017 I already knew my boss at work had no empathy, from expectations she expressed of a contractor who took time off for an operation on her baby. But a few days after I told her about my Dana, she saw me walking into the building, took one look at my face and said, "What's your problem?" I am sure I looked dumbfounded and said "what do you think?" She responded, "Oh, you're still grieving." Now every day she asks "You okay?" but it is just a phrase to her, not interest in my or anyone else's well-being.. She just wants to figure out how soon I will be productive again. I'm not sure I can be. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AB3 Posted January 16, 2017 Author Report Share Posted January 16, 2017 Dave, im sorry you also had to deal with insensitive people. How hard is it to express a bit of empathy??....I guess very for some.... 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 16, 2017 Report Share Posted January 16, 2017 18 hours ago, olemisfit said: how much it would hurt to have a tooth pulled without novacaine. I recently had a tooth pulled without novacaine, not a problem! I'd rather go through any kind of pain than the loss of the person I love most in the world. AB3, He'd be lucky to EVER get his picture! 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iPraiseHim Posted January 16, 2017 Report Share Posted January 16, 2017 14 hours ago, AB3 said: Darrel you are absolutely right. Common sense would be nice though. I read Common Sense died in 1973. lol 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iPraiseHim Posted January 16, 2017 Report Share Posted January 16, 2017 5 hours ago, DaveM said: ...Now every day she asks "You okay?" In my early days of grief when people would repeatedly ask that question, I would reply with, " Do you really want to know or is your question just a polite greeting?" I am sure it is politically incorrect but I can't pretend I'm okay when I really am not. Most people are unaware of deep grief and how it affects and alters our life. Just hang on and hold on. This group of people will listen and understand where most of the outside world does not. It helps to have a sanctuary place to air and share your grief. - Shalom, George 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted January 16, 2017 Report Share Posted January 16, 2017 I don't know how often I am hit with the 'how are you?' Question, be it from strangers or walking into where I volunteer. I've tried so many pat answers. Lately it was 'hanging in there', but that isn't true. Then you are suppose do to ask them about themselves. It's something we've lived with for decades unnoticed and now it's something I dread. I've pretty much taken to 'egh' and a shrug. I've stopped asking others that question. It's like a retraining course. Often I don't care how they are doing anyway. I've learned it's usually happy family stuff or complaints I wish I had about problems with thier spouse. I found it was easy for me to drop asking, I just say hi and leave it at that. Maybe someday I'll care again, but it sure isn't now. Back in the final years people would ask about Steve. I could handle that because of one huge difference. He was alive. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cookie Posted January 18, 2017 Report Share Posted January 18, 2017 On 01/16/2017 at 7:28 AM, DaveM said: I already knew my boss at work had no empathy, from expectations she expressed of a contractor who took time off for an operation on her baby. But a few days after I told her about my Dana, she saw me walking into the building, took one look at my face and said, "What's your problem?" I am sure I looked dumbfounded and said "what do you think?" She responded, "Oh, you're still grieving." Now every day she asks "You okay?" but it is just a phrase to her, not interest in my or anyone else's well-being.. She just wants to figure out how soon I will be productive again. I'm not sure I can be. That is just really mean....I have people ask me "how are you," and you can actually here the "I hope you say better" resonating in the background. My pat answer is okay, how about you. I am okay...moving, eating, functioning, so I guess that is true, but I'm not happy or contented is what I want to shout out.... 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 18, 2017 Report Share Posted January 18, 2017 43 minutes ago, Cookie said: That is just really mean....I have people ask me "how are you," and you can actually here the "I hope you say better" resonating in the background. My pat answer is okay, how about you. I am okay...moving, eating, functioning, so I guess that is true, but I'm not happy or contented is what I want to shout out.... [Trivia...I see your username on a post & I get a lump in my throat. My wife's nickname that she had from infancy was Cookie.] Can I ever relate to what you have said. I live in a fairly small apartment complex, and a number of neighbors know that I'm alone now. I walk my little dog several times a day, and many of them have gotten used to seeing me out and about. I can always tell which of them ask how I'm doing because they truly care, and which are only asking because they think it's the obligatory thing to do. Even if I'm having the worst possible day imaginable my answer is pretty much always the same. "I'm getting along fine. How is your day?" And then there are those that offer me a plate of whatever they just cooked and made to much of. I do realize how sweet of them it is to even just offer. It isn't that I'm ungrateful. Sometimes I accept the plate of food. Sometimes not. Sometimes I eat it. Sometimes I don't. God did not make us all the same. We don't always like the same things, same food, etc. I had learned how to cook things as part of being my wife's caregiver. I mean, I'm 6'3", and weigh about 250 lbs. I don't exactly look like I'm wasting away. I suppose it's a shortcoming on my part, but sometimes I just get tired of being put on the spot like that. Some people that have never been thru this I guess think that a grief cycle is supposed to come with a 3 month shelf life, and we are all supposed to wake up on the first day of the 4th month happy as a lark and everything being just hunky dory. If only it really did work that way!!! One foot in front of the other... Darrel Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 18, 2017 Report Share Posted January 18, 2017 "How are you?" "Changed, as can be expected." 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AB3 Posted January 18, 2017 Author Report Share Posted January 18, 2017 14 minutes ago, olemisfit said: Some people that have never been thru this I guess think that a grief cycle is supposed to come with a 3 month shelf life, and we are all supposed to wake up on the first day of the 4th month happy as a lark and everything being just hunky dory. If only it really did work that. Darrel, I completely agree with this statement. People who have never experienced this type of grief expect you to be back to a normally functioning human being after a short period of time. Little do they know we will never function "normally" again. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 18, 2017 Report Share Posted January 18, 2017 2 minutes ago, AB3 said: Darrel, I completely agree with this statement. People who have never experienced this type of grief expect you to be back to a normally functioning human being after a short period of time. Little do they know we will never function "normally" again. So true. We are having to learn how to walk all over again. Only this time, with only one leg. One foot in front of the other... Darrel Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kevin Posted January 18, 2017 Report Share Posted January 18, 2017 My explanation of Grief to those who don't understand is, remember your worst feeling ever, and multiply it by 20............now I say ,I'm surviving ,and you? ... 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scba Posted January 19, 2017 Report Share Posted January 19, 2017 I want to be politically incorrect and reply "I'm fine, I have been on a spa called Grief&Hell. They do an amazing facial. You are heartbroken but you look normal as before!" 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted January 19, 2017 Report Share Posted January 19, 2017 Oh, I would love to say that to people, Ana. That truly expresses the hell this is and how others think we look and therefore must feel inside. It's hard to face that day after day knowing the emptiness we carry that is so heavy. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cookie Posted January 19, 2017 Report Share Posted January 19, 2017 On 01/18/2017 at 0:15 PM, olemisfit said: [Trivia...I see your username on a post & I get a lump in my throat. My wife's nickname that she had from infancy was Cookie.] Can I ever relate to what you have said. I live in a fairly small apartment complex, and a number of neighbors know that I'm alone now. I walk my little dog several times a day, and many of them have gotten used to seeing me out and about. I can always tell which of them ask how I'm doing because they truly care, and which are only asking because they think it's the obligatory thing to do. Even if I'm having the worst possible day imaginable my answer is pretty much always the same. "I'm getting along fine. How is your day?" And then there are those that offer me a plate of whatever they just cooked and made to much of. I do realize how sweet of them it is to even just offer. It isn't that I'm ungrateful. Sometimes I accept the plate of food. Sometimes not. Sometimes I eat it. Sometimes I don't. God did not make us all the same. We don't always like the same things, same food, etc. I had learned how to cook things as part of being my wife's caregiver. I mean, I'm 6'3", and weigh about 250 lbs. I don't exactly look like I'm wasting away. I suppose it's a shortcoming on my part, but sometimes I just get tired of being put on the spot like that. Some people that have never been thru this I guess think that a grief cycle is supposed to come with a 3 month shelf life, and we are all supposed to wake up on the first day of the 4th month happy as a lark and everything being just hunky dory. If only it really did work that way!!! One foot in front of the other... Darrel Darrel: So sorry my nickname brings you sorrow...but I understand; the triggers are everywhere. I also have had the name since infancy. I was an underweight baby in the nursery and had to be there a while, and so the nurses nicknamed me that. What is your wife's story, if you want to share. Yes, all of this can feel so awful. I know that people don't have a clue how hard and long-term this is...but you do get tired. What you said about being tired of being put on the spot is not a shortcoming in my book. It is tiring. It's hard work dealing with everyone else's take on you....and I know I hate being in this position. But the truth is I miss him terribly, even more after 19 months. I'm hoping there is an upward curve at some point in the future. Good thoughts to you...Cookie 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Widowedbysuicide Posted January 20, 2017 Report Share Posted January 20, 2017 Why do we have to be politically correct? Who made the rules? Isn't it enough that we are suffering each and every day since our loved one died? Knowing that whatever the future holds we will not be together with our partners as we were here on earth. I have a hard time believing that what is to come will be heaven on earth but that is my pessimistic way. If my luck wasn't bad I would not have any luck at all. Sorry for the rant - today I had a sister-in-law ask and answer ignorant and hurtful questions. I just wonder why I feel that I haven't suffered enough and I need to deal with the abusiveness in a graceful manner. Today I wasn't so kind because I couldn't handle the increased pain. ...well I don't know why you still feel that way.... like I want to pull the covers over my head, go to sleep and never wake up. It's because the good memories are fainter than I would like, they almost let me feel happy but the horrible memories are more recent and very vivid. ...Well maybe you can talk to someone about it... I have talked to a grief therapist. Didn't it help?... Help what... I'm grieving, it's not something that can be fixed or ignored, this is my life right now. I get up every morning wishing he was here with me and at night I go to bed wishing that I could join him soon. Thinking of his suicide and the despair he must have been feeling will haunt me until they don't haunt me. I know it was her brother. I know she is grieving too. Her grief doesn't involve being his life partner for 35+ years and having a child with him. Her grief is for a person that she didn't really know as she visited only every few years and saw only what he allowed her to see. I do need some help, learning how to put myself first is the most important thing right now. My husband's family have never made me feel as a part of the family, but since his death a year ago and the recent death of his mother in December, the feelings of rejection and disapproval have multiplied ten fold. How can I forgive them for my years and years of feeling unworthy and inadequate due to their thoughtlessness and cruel treatment of me? Do I have to forgive and forget in order to heal? Having reread this post I want to delete it but I know that for myself I need to get it out. Thanks for listening/reading. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marie Lee Posted January 20, 2017 Report Share Posted January 20, 2017 Hi Marita, I am so thankful you are here and grateful that you expressed your open, raw emotions. Lord knows we understand your quandary. Losing Kev in a tragic accident without foreknowledge and preparation has been difficult. Compounded by the fact I was in same accident and survived. Very well mind you....I am not sure how I feel about all that. I am concluding for myself, I spend way too much time trying to figure out my feelings..and want to put that energy elsewhere. My feelings won't change a thing. Thats where I am at with my quandary. I can't begin to think how it must be hard to have peace for yours, but how important it is to find it.... It wasn't your choice to make, but it impacted you more then words can even convey. It makes me think, as if I was in the same situation, wouldn't it have been nice if you had some say in this choice given its impact in your life and well being...? Every person in your shoes must have this quandary...to have your life so severely altered...lose the person you love..knowing the choice they made (that you didn't make) but, how do you move on? How is there peace? How do you let go of the thought , if only I had known? Could I have made a difference in this? The questions are many and never ending I presume.... I hope you find a way to view this so that your life can have a measure of freedom and peace. I am doubly sorry that you do not have a support system in his family. That must be the proverbial salt in the wound.... Perhaps an insight as to how happy he must have been to find someone as yourself, different than what he had as a family, to share his life and love with....I don't know.....just thinking and rambling..please take this as my ramble and I hope somewhere I have helped you today. Even if it's just knowing someone out here in this cold world has the same pain of grief in their hearts..the same questions with the way society doesn't like grief....and cherishes your presence and friendship here. Peace, Marie 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 20, 2017 Report Share Posted January 20, 2017 16 hours ago, Cookie said: Darrel: So sorry my nickname brings you sorrow...but I understand; the triggers are everywhere. I also have had the name since infancy. I was an underweight baby in the nursery and had to be there a while, and so the nurses nicknamed me that. What is your wife's story, Cookie, there is nothing in the world for you to be apologizing for. Just a name in common. You just drew the lucky straw. If not you, then it would have been Susan, Or Betty, or Fred. Who Knows?! There isn't much of a story to share about how she came by the name. As she used to tell the story, she was just such a sweet little baby that her dad started calling her his sweet little Cookie. And it just stuck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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