AB3 Posted January 21, 2017 Report Share Posted January 21, 2017 I'm not exactly sure what I believe in or what's truly out there...honestly I just don't understand this world we live in at all its just too complex. All I know is that I give up....that's right life you won I've been thrown into the boxing ring too many times and I'm just well....over it. I'm not sure what exactly happens when we die but if it's reincarnation then I will just try this all again in the next lifetime....maybe things will turn out more on the positive side. Not to be rude to anyone who says this pain is only temporary....that it will get easier to stand....that it all takes time and all the other meaningful "encouraging" words, but it doesn't really bring me too much comfort. I want to be just as positive as many of you and while I have always been able to bring some comfort to others, and extend my support Im not really able to help myself. I try....I promise I do....very very hard. I try my hardest to push all of the pain and discomforting thoughts out my head, and at times I can but it always comes rushing back. There's just too many images in my head to much guilt in my heart....and too much sadness in my soul. I can pretend all I want that I'm "ok" in fact I have been good at hiding it from others but I can't hide it from myself for too long....Grief will always find me. Im sorry for the long often endless rant...I just can't pretend to be "ok" anymore. As much as I want to be that positive, happy, encouraging, and selfless human being that I had always been.....I'm just not anymore....I don't know who I am so I'll just try again next time....if there in fact is a next time. Thank you all for your support but I don't want to be a burden to anyone anymore with my "doom and gloom" personality. Sorry... 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DaveM Posted January 21, 2017 Report Share Posted January 21, 2017 AB3, I believe each person that worked or sought their way here knows how much it hurts, because they are or have been in the same boat. I am sure no one here will think you are rude if you push back at the "encouragement." My lady and I had discussed but not decided on another marriage at our age, but we knew we wanted to be together this time for good. I will echo your pain, sadness and much guilt, for I was 1,200 miles away from her, and had not yet figured out the best way to move from North Carolina to Texas to be with her. So she died alone, just before Christmas, but was not found until the 28th of December. And now I am dying every day. She was relatively new to the area, having moved there to be close to her best friend after her divorce a couple of years ago. Her ex-husband and sons live in the Northeast. They will not be having a service in Texas, and have yet to do anything for her where they live. I placed an obituary in the newspaper here, because she lived here 8 years and people knew her. This is killing me as well. We reconnected last May after 32 years apart. I should have pursued her then, but let her slip away. She and I both married others, and had children. But both marriages were mistakes and we both divorced in 2015. So I already had guilt over that. I knew she had health issues, but thought we would work our way through them together. Please do not think yourself a burden here. I am as new as you, but somehow, knowing that there are folks here who really know my pain eases my own burden. Dave 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DaveM Posted January 21, 2017 Report Share Posted January 21, 2017 By the way, my Dana explored all religions all her life, and had a mixture of beliefs. She felt that she and I had met before, but didn't quite get together. We got together this time, but only too briefly. So I will also echo your 'Maybe Next Time' and hope there is an eventual future for us. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scba Posted January 21, 2017 Report Share Posted January 21, 2017 AB, I still don't go how things are in grief. If I could summarize mine at 2.5 year would be: 1. There is a huge wound that will last forever. I feel I lost my innocence. 2. Things turned out to never be the same in each aspect of my life. I say it from my heart when I say that my life has been destroyed. What comes next? Work in progress...... 3. Grief comes and goes. If I am in a horrible place, I try to think that this too shall pass. 4. Why questions comes and goes. 5. Contradictory feelings and thoughts coexist (usually not in harmony), past and present, the old and the new. I aknowledge that my "bad" feelings come from my pain. 6. I miss him and think of him, conciusly or not, every second. 7. It is a hard, horrible, painful and tiryng experience. I paste some articles from an author that Marty suggested me, Megan Devine. Hope they are useful http://www.huffingtonpost.com/megan-devine/post_10006_b_8023570.html http://www.huffingtonpost.com/megan-devine/death-and-dying_b_4606150.html http://www.refugeingrief.com/middle-ground-grief/ http://www.timjlawrence.com/blog/2015/10/19/everything-doesnt-happen-for-a-reason 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DaveM Posted January 21, 2017 Report Share Posted January 21, 2017 SCBA, thanks for posting the articles, especially the "everything doesn't happen for a reason." If I hear that again I am going to scream. When my son died, my now ex-wife said many times, "God plucked our little flower from his garden." I know she was trying to find her own comfort, but it made me absolutely sick every time I heard her say it. Someone told me not a week after Dana died that I would "find somebody else." If she had been a man, I might've punched her in the face. We are not throwaways, and neither was the one we love. AB, please know we are here with you. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brad Posted January 21, 2017 Report Share Posted January 21, 2017 This is a major reason why I choose to avoid most group situations. I do understand that those platitudes are intended to be comforting and most people fail to really understand how empty and inane they really are. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AB3 Posted January 21, 2017 Author Report Share Posted January 21, 2017 I appreciate all of your comments and thank you for the links scba. I'm just really feeling down right now...can't seem to shut my mind off and it's Saturday (the day he passed) so it's making me feel more on edge. I honestly don't want to be here....in this world and if it wasn't for my mom (leaving her all alone) I wouldnt be. But again thank you everyone... 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marie Lee Posted January 21, 2017 Report Share Posted January 21, 2017 It's very hard to do this....I left the dr appt I had yesterday...feeling good about things...but then what? I walked on the beach alone.. I ate a very nice lunch alone.. I went home, kids were there...they were babysitting ...so I hibernated in my room and read....alone ... I don't mind solitude for the most part...but I would have loved my hubby to be there to share these things... Hang in there AB.....we are all here for you.. Trying to grasp the golden rainbow ...Marie 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marie Lee Posted January 21, 2017 Report Share Posted January 21, 2017 Ana -I loved the everything doesn't happen for a reason article ...Tks! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 21, 2017 Report Share Posted January 21, 2017 15 hours ago, AB3 said: to anyone who says this pain is only temporary....that it will get easier to stand....that it all takes time and all the other meaningful "encouraging" words, but it doesn't really bring me too much comfort. It doesn't bring much comfort because we can't control time and we doubt the pain will diminish. Time does pass though and the pain does lessen. I would not lie to you, I never have, we never stop missing them, at least I've never stopped missing George, not one day has gone by but what he's uppermost in my mind continually. However, I have learned to live with my grief. Trust me, I thought of suicide in the beginning, sorry if that shocks you, I think a lot of us thought about it, but quite honestly, I realized I didn't want to be dead exactly, I just didn't want to go through the pain I have if I live. But I've done it. As Darrel says, one foot in front of the other. I didn't take the coward's way out (or maybe I'm too big a coward to act on it), I wouldn't want to hurt my kids or sisters. There might even be someone else that misses me if I'm gone, someone I'm not aware of. But I've learned to "do the time" - that sounds awful! Like prison! But it's not, I don't mean to infer that. There are small joys along the way and it's been up to me to look for them and acknowledge them. They aren't big joys like George was, but joys nonetheless. Some days it was a stretch to find any but I tried anyway. I tried my damnedest! And I'm still here. Do I still feel like giving up sometimes? You betcha! But like the anxiety seminar Anne was talking about this week, I've learned to spot the difference between how I feel and how I act. I can't always act on my feelings, they aren't very good barometers! 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 21, 2017 Report Share Posted January 21, 2017 15 hours ago, AB3 said: I just can't pretend to be "ok" anymore. And you shouldn't have to. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AB3 Posted January 21, 2017 Author Report Share Posted January 21, 2017 35 minutes ago, kayc said: And you shouldn't have to. Thank you kayc. I often feel the need to contain my thoughts and feelings as to not make others feel uncomfortable. I don't think anyone (except for this group) understands how painful each day is. I stopped expressing that pain to those around me (my mom, his family and friends) because I felt like a burden to them. Now my only outlet to express my thoughts and pain is this group otherwise I'm just holding it all in but today I know it's written all over my face....I can't pretend anyone 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scba Posted January 22, 2017 Report Share Posted January 22, 2017 http://www.timjlawrence.com/blog/2016/3/23/wallowing 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scba Posted January 22, 2017 Report Share Posted January 22, 2017 Another article I suggest 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted January 22, 2017 Report Share Posted January 22, 2017 The article you've suggested is just outstanding, Ana, and well worth sharing ~ thank you! "Wallowing is literally defined as an unrestrained indulgence; as something that creates a pleasurable sensation. Grieving takes many forms, but it sure as hell isn't a pleasurable indulgence." -- Grieving Isn't Wallowing by Tim Lawrence 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted January 22, 2017 Report Share Posted January 22, 2017 This is an excellent article, Ana. Thank you for finding it. Grief sure is not pleasurable! I have shared it with many I know. Anne 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 22, 2017 Report Share Posted January 22, 2017 Good article, I'm saving that one! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marie Lee Posted January 24, 2017 Report Share Posted January 24, 2017 Ana..that was right on....oh my....wow, we do live in a society that does runs from grief and acts like its wrong when it is a very common experience and part of human relations...Thsnk you for sharing...Marie 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Widowedbysuicide Posted January 24, 2017 Report Share Posted January 24, 2017 On 20/01/2017 at 10:10 PM, AB3 said: .... Im sorry for the long often endless rant...I just can't pretend to be "ok" anymore. As much as I want to be that positive, happy, encouraging, and selfless human being that I had always been.....I'm just not anymore....I don't know who I am so I'll just try again next time....if there in fact is a next time. Thank you all for your support but I don't want to be a burden to anyone anymore with my "doom and gloom" personality. Sorry... There is no need to be sorry. Much of what we feel while grieving is uncomfortable to talk about but that is why this forum is the right place to come. Everyone here is at a different place in their journey but chances are if we haven't felt the way you do right now we will feel it in the future. There are no judgements here. Encouragement and understanding is given with the hopes of letting you know that you will ever be alone here. We each march to a different drummer but the love song is the same. We come and go here. Sometimes posting a lot, sometimes just reading and feeling our grief.i You don't need to act as though everything is sunny and ok because lots of the time it isn't. I can understand what you are saying as I have days where I feel like giving up too. Be kind to yourself. You don't have to be perfect here. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AB3 Posted January 24, 2017 Author Report Share Posted January 24, 2017 30 minutes ago, Widowedbysuicide said: There is no need to be sorry. Much of what we feel while grieving is uncomfortable to talk about but that is why this forum is the right place to come. Everyone here is at a different place in their journey but chances are if we haven't felt the way you do right now we will feel it in the future. There are no judgements here. Encouragement and understanding is given with the hopes of letting you know that you will ever be alone here. We each march to a different drummer but the love song is the same. We come and go here. Sometimes posting a lot, sometimes just reading and feeling our grief.i You don't need to act as though everything is sunny and ok because lots of the time it isn't. I can understand what you are saying as I have days where I feel like giving up too. Be kind to yourself. You don't have to be perfect here. Thank you for your kind words. I always feel the need to apologize to everyone over constantly complaining about how I'm feeling. I never want to be a burden to anyone. But I do feel comfortable expressing myself here, knowing I'm not so alone during this journey 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted January 24, 2017 Report Share Posted January 24, 2017 Dearest Ab ~ you are never complaining. You are grieving. Those of us who come here know that we have people who not only listen with open hearts but understand what grief is ~ we come here and find validation. We know that those who are here really do understand. You are doing just fine. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AB3 Posted January 24, 2017 Author Report Share Posted January 24, 2017 10 minutes ago, enna said: Dearest Ab ~ you are never complaining. You are grieving. Those of us who come here know that we have people who not only listen with open hearts but understand what grief is ~ we come here and find validation. We know that those who are here really do understand. You are doing just fine. Thank you Enna 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted February 19, 2017 Report Share Posted February 19, 2017 On 1/21/2017 at 0:10 AM, AB3 said: Thank you all for your support but I don't want to be a burden to anyone anymore with my "doom and gloom" personality. I definitely am slipping. A subject I have not "word saladed" yet. I have already written my diatribe this morning so I won't go into my mindless philosophies. I am just (and I hate that word old, because I was not old until Billy left), but I am really just an ole southern, countrified, small town redneck that hurts. Sometimes I think it is unbearable hurting, but sometimes I pray for life so I can stay alive for my granddaughter. My family practice doctor suggested medical remedies for me and I guess I shook her to the core when I told her I just wanted to live long enough to see my granddaughter on her own two feet. She gave me antidepressants, that if she had read the side effects, could have killed me. I called and told them to cancel next appointment. I would not be back. Doctors will kill you sometimes if you let them. Anyhow AB3, and I know you have a name, you are in good company. This is grief 101. If there is such a class, you are in the right one. I think it is like that song "Hotel California" and the words are not correct, but what I remember is "you can check out anytime you want, but you can never leave." So, you have joined us at this hotel. And, I honestly have to get something done today, but I had much rather stay with you people who share my feelings rather than get on with life. I have a new vacuum cleaner and I hope I get it out of the box today. I have had it at least a week. We are not stingy on this forum. We share our grief with you. And, we are all hurting. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marie Lee Posted February 20, 2017 Report Share Posted February 20, 2017 Marge, You can check out anytime you like, but you can't never leave....so true for grief... I will never listen to that song the same anymore... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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