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Feel like a failure


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I've been in so much pain lately and bottling it all in but today I broke down and told my mother how I feel. I know the words hurt her and that's the main reason I have been keeping it to myself. Who wants to hear their child say "I don't want to be here anymore"....it's possibly the worst thing you could ever hear as a parent. But holding it all in just did more harm than good. Today I had to take a leave of absence from work and I feel like such a failure. I went back to work one week after my fiance passed away. I forced myself to and I tried to be strong and continue on with life as before (work, college, etc) but it all came crashing down. I feel like such a failure that I can't even accomplish these task anymore but I also can't keep "forcing" everything either and pretending to be ok because I'm no where near ok. I honestly don't know what to do anymore....everything feels so overwhelming and life seems so pointless.

I've been able to get through most things and in the 27 years that I've been on this earth I've faced alot of painful situations. Each time I've remained strong and "suffered" through it. But this....this broke me and there is no way I can just suck it up and keep going....im at a standstill. 

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However painful it was, I'd like to suggest to you that it was a healthy thing for you to open up to your mother. She is your mother and she is there for you.

Also, there is no failure in taking a leave of absence from work. You are going through one of if not the hardest thing a human being can go through. You must do what you need to do to cope.

For me, I threw myself into work. Maybe too much. Tried to hide from grieving. Everyone is different.

All the best to you and try and go minute by minute, second by second, rather than overwhelming yourself with thoughts of the bigger picture.

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14 hours ago, AB3 said:

I've been in so much pain lately and bottling it all in but today I broke down and told my mother how I feel. I know the words hurt her and that's the main reason I have been keeping it to myself. Who wants to hear their child say "I don't want to be here anymore"....it's possibly the worst thing you could ever hear as a parent. But holding it all in just did more harm than good. Today I had to take a leave of absence from work and I feel like such a failure. I went back to work one week after my fiance passed away. I forced myself to and I tried to be strong and continue on with life as before (work, college, etc) but it all came crashing down. I feel like such a failure that I can't even accomplish these task anymore but I also can't keep "forcing" everything either and pretending to be ok because I'm no where near ok. I honestly don't know what to do anymore....everything feels so overwhelming and life seems so pointless.

I've been able to get through most things and in the 27 years that I've been on this earth I've faced alot of painful situations. Each time I've remained strong and "suffered" through it. But this....this broke me and there is no way I can just suck it up and keep going....im at a standstill. 

I feel like applauding you!  You are finally doing what you need to do for YOU!  One week is like a pebble in the sand to take off, I took two weeks off and it seemed like a drop in the bucket!  We need a year to stay under the covers and not come out but most of us can't afford that luxury.  I guess if I'd had a year off maybe it wouldn't have been good for me, this forced me to get out among the living, but gosh it was hard when my brain couldn't even function!

And I'm so glad you finally opened up to your mom!  Your mom will be okay, this is about YOU going through this!  And stop being so hard on yourself!  I wish you could give yourself a pat on the back for doing what you can, for trying!  You are a responsible young person and you want to please everyone, but this grief is about YOU not them.  And it's damned tough to get through.  I'm so glad you opened up and are acknowledging that you have your limits...we all do!

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3 hours ago, kayc said:

 I'm so glad you opened up and are acknowledging that you have your limits...we all do!

Thank you Kayc. It was so hard to admit how overwhelming everything is. I thought forcing myself to get back out there would some how ease the pain but it just made things worse in the end. We must learn to take care of ourselves.

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AB....I too had to leave work after returning from my husbands departure.

I am older, different circumstances ,....but ...I had to do what was best for me.

Graphic design is very deadline oriented....and can be problematic when life is " smooth" let alone filled with this debilitating journey of grief.... Take a step back and breathe deep as you heal...

You matter....

There are so many times I have been so tired and lonely....the survivors guilt so strong,...I wish I could just lay down with Kev and join him...

My children remind me how much they and their children need me.

Your mom loves and needs you too.

My mom is 74..I feel like Kev has given me a gift to allow me to spend time with my mom , I cherish that ...and my beautiful grandchildren.....

I try so hard to remember that. Even when my heart breaks because his time as grandpa was cut way too short..

We love and care for you....I pray that you find hope...

A hope for the future...I hope you spend time with the ones you love and have something to do and look forward to life, experiences ....so many things...to hope for...

When we love someone we want them to be happy and fulfilled....Your late love would  wish the very  best for you.....

You matter so very much, hugs..Marie

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36 minutes ago, Marie Lee said:

AB....I too had to leave work after returning from my husbands departure.

I am older, different circumstances ,....but ...I had to do what was best for me.

Graphic design is very deadline oriented....and can be problematic when life is " smooth" let alone filled with this debilitating journey of grief.... Take a step back and breathe deep as you heal...

You matter....

There are so many times I have been so tired and lonely....the survivors guilt so strong,...I wish I could just lay down with Kev and join him...

My children remind me how much they and their children need me.

Your mom loves and needs you too.

My mom is 74..I feel like Kev has given me a gift to allow me to spend time with my mom , I cherish that ...and my beautiful grandchildren.....

I try so hard to remember that. Even when my heart breaks because his time as grandpa was cut way too short..

We love and care for you....I pray that you find hope...

A hope for the future...I hope you spend time with the ones you love and have something to do and look forward to life, experiences ....so many things...to hope for...

When we love someone we want them to be happy and fulfilled....Your late love would  wish the very  best for you.....

You matter so very much, hugs..Marie

Oooh Marie, you don't know how much I needed those words you just said. Grief is rough, I never felt so hopeless in my life but when I think about just ending it all and being reunited with my love I think about all the pain I would cause for those who love and care for me especially my mother. Thank you for your kind words and encouragement.

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Hi AB,

Last week in therapy I confessed how much I have been just overwhelmed with memories of last year at this time.  Today is 11 months for me.  And with work, my concentration, all my self-proclaimed failures, how hard I am on myself.  She told me of a story -- I think it is Greek in origin.  We go through these horrible traumas, and it is an arrow that is shot in our heart.  As it lay there within us, another one comes, but it is from ourselves... the arrow of our reactions to our own pain from the first arrow, the arrow of guilt or blame or 'we should be doing better with an arrow in our heart'.

Our goal is to not let that second arrow in.  The first one was plenty.  It is not an easy task, but since then I have been thinking alot about the image of that second arrow.  You are not a failure--- you are, we all are, terribly, terribly injured.

Take good care,

Patty

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21 hours ago, AB3 said:

We must learn to take care of ourselves.

You are so right!  This came to mind as you mentioned taking care of yourself:
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/03/physical-reactions-to-loss.html

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Guilt....One of the many battles I face, every day.

I am trying very hard to counter it with good, edifying thoughts.

Reminding myself that I am Loved. God loves me. My children, my mom...the list goes on.

I have come to realize just how destructive guilt is for me. When my mind goes there...for whatever it is..I am really working hard to counter it with the positives. I am hoping to make much progress in this area. It is time.

Instead of guilt trips....let me take a bike trip, or trip to a mall... 

Working on good trips, Marie

 

AB...you are so very welcome....you matter :-) more than you know...

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50 minutes ago, Marie Lee said:

Guilt....One of the many battles I face, every day.

I am trying very hard to counter it with good, edifying thoughts.

Reminding myself that I am Loved. God loves me. My children, my mom...the list goes on.

I have come to realize just how destructive guilt is for me. When my mind goes there...for whatever it is..I am really working hard to counter it with the positives. I am hoping to make much progress in this area. It is time.

Instead of guilt trips....let me take a bike trip, or trip to a mall... 

Working on good trips, Marie

 

AB...you are so very welcome....you matter :-) more than you know...

Marie, thank you again :) 

Also you mentioned guilt, one of the worst aspects of grief. It's crazy how much guilt you can carry after losing someone you love so much. I've been struggling with guilt myself but every time I feel guilty about something that happened in the past I think to myself "what good would it do now??" Guilt won't change the reality that our loves are gone but it's hard not to imagine what would of happened if we did something different. 

 

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I apologize for being redundant as I've mentioned this a couple of times before; but I do think it merits repeating.  Early on in my grief my grief therapist told me it is important to remember every decision you made, you made out of love based on the best information you had at that time.  Being kind to yourself is a valuable gift to yourself.  Sadly we tend to second guess ourselves far more frequently than we would a friend.

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7 minutes ago, Brad said:

I apologize for being redundant as I've mentioned this a couple of times before; but I do think it merits repeating.  Early on in my grief my grief therapist told me it is important to remember every decision you made, you made out of love based on the best information you had at that time.  Being kind to yourself is a valuable gift to yourself.  Sadly we tend to second guess ourselves far more frequently than we would a friend.

 This is so very true Brad. None of us expected this to happen. As with everything else in life, we act according to what we know and can't very well act in ways that reflect what we don't know. 

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Very well put, Brad.  It's important to be kind and understanding of ourselves, just as our partner was.  We need that now more than ever!

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