RangerKate Posted January 23, 2017 Report Share Posted January 23, 2017 I wish I'd found this site earlier. My husband was killed last Spring, on the day before my birthday. After several tough years we were on the "vacation of a lifetime," a month in New Zealand. Two weeks into the trip a tour bus backed over Rich. I was not with him at the time. He was Medivacced by helicopter to the local hospital but I never saw him alive again. I never had a chance to say goodbye. I flew home by myself, a 22-hour trip. He is Canadian and wanted to be buried in Canada. So I had his remains sent from New Zealand to Boston (our home), and then, when I knew where in Canada he wanted to rest, from Boston to Canada. I dealt with 3 funeral homes in 3 countries, 3 death bureaucracies, 3 sets of fees and remains transport costs. I honestly don't know how I did it. I guess I was in shock. I can't put Closed to the story, because there was an inquest into his death, and the government of New Zealand has decided to prosecute the bus driver, for their equivalent of vehicular homicide. The driver has pleaded Not Guilty, so she will go to trial and now I must continue to deal with the New Zealand police and government, and the slow process of their law. Rich and I were together for 42 years. He was the love of my life and my best friend. We had no children and I have no surviving relatives. My mother died two years ago and I am still sorting her stuff, and now Rich's. When it asks to put "next of kin" on forms, I just write "none." I'm fortunate to have friends who have become good, best friends and support me well. But they are not Rich, and they don't understand what I'm going through, although they really try. I guess I'm learning how to handle the grief. I was diagnosed with PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder), and was treated for that. But my life is filled with emotional land mines. Just when I think I've got myself under control, and feel sort of okay, I stumble into an event we used to attend together, or a can of food Rich bought before he was killed, or a book he loved, and everything explodes. I deal with it, but I'm exhausted, physically and emotionally. Some days I can't get out of bed, not from depression, but simply because I am too tired. I guess I want to know, How do people deal with these land mines? They are wearing me out. That said, it's good to be in this group. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kevin Posted January 23, 2017 Report Share Posted January 23, 2017 Ranger Kate, so sorry that you had to join our family so late......Not many people understand the real feelings of Grief...Welcome and this board offers good council or is great to vent on.... 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 23, 2017 Report Share Posted January 23, 2017 RangerKate, i second everything Kevin said. I'm a bit hesitant to use the word "welcome". This site is definitely not where we come for pleasant or happy reasons. But welcome anyway. I have faith in you accepting it the way it is meant. My next comment is WOW!!! You certainly have been put through the wringer. My heart goes out to you not only for your husband's death, but for everything else that has been dropped into your lap. Our stories have a few similarities. My wife and I were together for a bit more than 41 years even though she passed a couple of months before our 41st anniversary. I had to give her up on new year's day of last year. Like you, we also had no (human) children. So we opened our home up to the 4-legged kind of "children", and over the years most of the dogs we had were rescue situations. We all know the landmine experience. I don't think it's possible to avoid those landmines. How do you avoid all of them? Even something as simple as the passenger seat in the car. When I get in the car to go somewhere she's supposed to be sitting there, ready to go for a ride. It wouldn't be right for me to try to speak for others, but i can speak for myself. After my wife passed I went through things and tried to make piles. There was the "must keep" pile. The "maybe keeps". And the "yeah, get rid of it" pile. I kept alot of those landmine sorts of things, even though i knew how they would affect me. For a while anyway. Her favorite figurines. We were both avid readers. How could i get rid of all the books we had accumulated over the years? Etc. And then there's the scrapbooks full of pictures. During my earlier part of my grief journey I read somewhere on the internet that an effective grief process requires 3 components: we must actively feel and express our feelings of loss, pain, anger, etc.; we must actively make efforts to rebuild our new life around the emptiness we all feel; and then there's the time. We need to patiently let time work its magic. As the saying goes, time heals all wounds. Patience isn't an easy thing to have, especially in the beginning stages when we feel so totally overwhelmed. Try to have some of this patience and some faith in the process. What we all are going through is a process, whether we like the sounds of that word or not. Or a journey, if you prefer that word. And one of these days you will be able to look ahead and see a very dim light at the far end of your tunnel. Then you will know that the process is working, and that you are "getting better". Have faith in that, and trust in it. But it's baby steps. And no matter how far along your journey you eventually get, there will be good days and bad days. Love is a beautiful and wonderful thing to be able to experience. But it's like a coin. Love is the pretty side of the coin. Grief is the ugly side of it. If i had known 41 years ago just how awful this grief experience was going to be, I still would have wanted to fall head over heels in love with my wife. Have faith in your process working, and take it one day at a time. And take advantage of this discussion group. There is alot of wisdom and help to be had here. One foot in front of the other... Darrel Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 23, 2017 Report Share Posted January 23, 2017 Ranger Kate, Welcome to this site. I know this is not where you'd choose to be, you'd choose to have your husband back and your life going on like it was. I am so sorry for your loss, and for everything you've been through. I can't even imagine. I don't know how you did it either. No wonder you feel so tired! If you feel like staying in bed, I hope you're able to, because sometimes this grief is so exhausting! I didn't get to say goodbye either. My husband was waiting for a heart operation (five bypass) when he had a heart attack and died. We didn't know until that fateful weekend that he even had heart trouble, and I was gone to my sister's reunion when he was taken by ambulance to the hospital. When I finally learned about it and got to the hospital, there were so many people with him, then they moved him, when I was allowed back he was asleep, then he woke up having a heart attack and they threw me out. I wish I could have been there for him when he passed, I wish I could have told him one more time how much I love him, how he is the love of my life, that those were the happiest years of my life. But then he knew all that already. We were joined at the hip, we knew each other's thoughts, we felt each other. I hope you will read and post and find comfort here...this place saved me when he died, I am forever grateful for it. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brad Posted January 23, 2017 Report Share Posted January 23, 2017 Ranger Kate, I deplore the landmines that trigger such strong reactions. It seems as if every time I get to a point where I think I've encountered all that grief has to throw at me: BAM. This is the nature of the journey we are all on. Many metaphors, analogies, similies, have been coined to describe the emotional upheaval brought on by our grief and it seems as if those words lack the potency for what we are feeling inside. I personally try to confront those triggers, face them head on and try to take their power from them. Sometimes it works; other times not so much so. I still find notes left behind; notes of comfort, but at this point, less than a week away from eighteen months, they still evoke more pain than comfort; more tears than smiles. I am so sorry you have cause to be here but am happy for you that you found us. I hope you find the comfort and inspiration that I have found. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KATPILOT Posted January 23, 2017 Report Share Posted January 23, 2017 Ranger Kate welcome to our home. Your story really touches me and how hard this all must be for you I know is an understatement. Here at least you can share and learn and yes even possibly grow. Those landmines we hit? How we deal with them? I can only say that they were carefully laid by two loving people who never intended the other would be forced to hit them but when you do and when we all hit them, it's only because you loved Rich in the first place and perhaps that can bring you some comfort for you will be hitting them for a long, long, time. Today so many years later as I hit one every so often, it brings me mixed emotions of sorrow tempered with some joy at who my wife Kathy was and still remains. The fact that I still love her is what brings the smile. 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marie Lee Posted January 24, 2017 Report Share Posted January 24, 2017 Dear Ranger Kate....Oh my! You have been through the wringer...3 countries and litigation ongoing.... And you lost your life partner ...so, you have to attend to all the details....while your heart has been shattered... We have all had our lives torn apart by losing our other half....so very sorry you are going through this long arduous journey of grief too. The land mines are many... We are here for you.... Prayers for Peace, Marie 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RangerKate Posted January 25, 2017 Author Report Share Posted January 25, 2017 Thank you so much everyone for your support and responses. It truly helps to hear from others in the same situation. I hope I can contribute and support others on this site. We love, and love, and love, and then suddenly we are in a situation we didn't buy into. We all pledged for life, but never thought the pledge would be invoked so soon. "Till Death do us part" seemed abstract. Now I know what it means. I'm proud that Rich and I kept together through difficult times. But I never thought about what that pledge really meant. Now I know. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marie Lee Posted January 25, 2017 Report Share Posted January 25, 2017 RangerKate, Yea...now we all know... the abstract and far off are our living reality.... Peace, Marie 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brad Posted January 25, 2017 Report Share Posted January 25, 2017 6 hours ago, RangerKate said: "Till Death do us part" seemed abstract. Even after Deedo was diagnosed and I learned that the five year survival rate for her cancer was less than 5% I knew the odds were not in our favor but still death was abstract. For the next seventeen months as I watched her slowly lose one battle after the next death was abstract. For the last two months where cancer as so ravaged her body and it was appartent that death was the most merciful outcome death was abstract. After she died, for the next eleven days and I was in a state of shock simply going through motions dealing with kids and arrangements death was abstract. On day twelve following her death when everyone left and I was alone for the first time death became a reality. Oh how I wish death could return to being an abstract. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RangerKate Posted January 25, 2017 Author Report Share Posted January 25, 2017 Brad, I was in such shock after Rich was killed that in some ways I probably seemed more "normal" than I do now, 8 months later. I gave a paper at a symposium (with great poise) 2 weeks after his death, and went through my graduation ceremony 3 weeks after his death. I was a zombie. Everyone was astonished at how "well" I was doing. The truth is I barely knew what I was doing. Sometimes I think I hurt more now than I did then. I couldn't process what I had lost. That took time. It's still going on. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brad Posted January 25, 2017 Report Share Posted January 25, 2017 9 minutes ago, RangerKate said: Sometimes I think I hurt more now than I did then. I couldn't process what I had lost. That took time. It's still going on. Exactly! At times I still feel as if I'm stuck in someone else's life. This certainly isn't what either one of us imagined. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 25, 2017 Report Share Posted January 25, 2017 13 minutes ago, RangerKate said: The truth is I barely knew what I was doing. Sometimes I think I hurt more now than I did then. That IS how it is...the shock protects us in the beginning and we're busy planning arrangements, tending to legal matters, but then when we're done and everyone takes their support and goes home, we're left alone with our new reality and it hits hard! 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KATPILOT Posted January 25, 2017 Report Share Posted January 25, 2017 We had a similar experience Brad. I never expected death and never acknowledged it was going to occur. When things settle just enough for reality to set in, well Ranger Kate that's when you discover that you never were actually aware of the impact. In a way Brad it is like we were in a movie, just playing a part somewhat detached. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RangerKate Posted January 25, 2017 Author Report Share Posted January 25, 2017 A movie...someone else's life...we all seem to feel like our real selves are somewhere else. Me, I feel like I'm living in a terrible alternate reality. Somewhere, in another universe, the bad thing didn't happen and Rich is alive and we're happy. I'm in the wrong universe. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AB3 Posted January 25, 2017 Report Share Posted January 25, 2017 8 minutes ago, RangerKate said: A movie...someone else's life...we all seem to feel like our real selves are somewhere else. Me, I feel like I'm living in a terrible alternate reality. Somewhere, in another universe, the bad thing didn't happen and Rich is alive and we're happy. I'm in the wrong universe. Yes exactly. I say that I feel like I'm in an alternate reality everyday.....maybe we are. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brad Posted January 25, 2017 Report Share Posted January 25, 2017 1 hour ago, RangerKate said: Me, I feel like I'm living in a terrible alternate reality. Somewhere, in another universe, the bad thing didn't happen and Rich is alive and we're happy. I'm in the wrong universe. If one adhere's to the Theory of Everything, also known as the String Theory, this may not be too far fetched. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KATPILOT Posted January 25, 2017 Report Share Posted January 25, 2017 Truly Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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