Self talk - thinking in text

[Widowedbysuicide]

I'm not seeing a counselor right now as it was becoming too stressful for me.  I was working too hard at dealing with my grief, it was taking a lot of time and driving as I was also doing some mental health programs at the same time.  I'm really tired of the stress with appointments but the result is that I don't have anyone to talk to.  I've decided to talk to myself here so that I can read this again later and see if I can help myself.  

Some days I feel so guilty for feeling so incomplete.  In the grand scheme of things I know I am very fortunate to have my son with me and to have a home and an income.  I have my sorrowful times when I would like to be with my husband rather than here on Earth, and living without his love is so much harder than I thought it would be.  Feeling lost and empty are just so normal now.  Yet I know I have so much to be thankful for.  My brain swirls and curls; thrashing and crashing like the surf on a stormy day.  How can I feel so lost and at the same time feel trapped?

My heart breaks when I read everyone's sad stories here.  I pray for peace and comfort for us all.  I love to read about the positives and really celebrate the good things that are posted.  This is my new normal life.  Actually this forum is really my only life.  The outside world continues to push me away with empty promises for the future and harsh comments about getting on with living and forgetting the past.  I'm lonely, I ache inside, and I want to run away from this emptiness.

Next Friday will be the second birthday my husband would have had.  He would have been turning 58.  I wonder about what has happened to him since he died...

I've passed all the firsts and am starting the seconds.

[Gin]

Marita,

This is all so familiar to me.  I have tried so hard to deal with my sorrow in a "positive" way.  Went to a counselor, went to groups and tried to keep busy.  However, I find myself in the same lonely place.  I recently started my second year and it sure does not look much different than the first.  I sent in volunteer applications at two different places and neither responded.  I am so tired of spending so much time alone.  As you, I am grateful for my family, though I do not see them very often.  A few very good friends have made life tolerable. And this forum has been a blessing.  Who else can you moan to in the middle of the night?  We have to all hang in there together and hope for better times.

Gin

 

[kayc]

Marita,

Perhaps you could see your grief counselor but less often?  Maybe once every two weeks instead of once a week?  I understand, I live far away from anything and don't drive at night.  To me, going to the city takes all day and there's nothing available here.

These days (birthdays, anv., etc.) really stir it up don't they?  Even now, it's still hard for me to hit June (his bdy & death day, and Father's Day which is when he died).  

You're in my thoughts as you approach Friday...

 

[kayc]

6 minutes ago, Gin said:

 I sent in volunteer applications at two different places and neither responded.

You might try them back on a regular basis.  Perhaps they didn't have an opening at the time and some only keep applications on file for so long.  They often treat it just like hiring a job candidate and the squeaky wheel gets the grease.  I know my helping with the bingo at the senior site is the highlight of my week, I really enjoy those old people!  Funny, I was with some ladies at a party Friday and we're age 62-89 and we were laughing so hard and I said, "This reminds me of the senior site!" and one of the ladies (age 80) said, "We're not seniors!"  I laughed and said we're age 62-89, yes we are!   Funny, I don't think she ever thought about her age!  But I sidetrack, it really helps to get out and volunteer.  I do books for my church too, that's not "fun" it's work, but I do it to help them out and refuse pay because I want to give back to them in a tangible way, besides if I got more $ the gov't would just think of some way to take it.   But doing that hard job keeps my brain active and functioning (or old and worn out) so maybe it'll help stave off the dementia my mom had.

[Marie Lee]

Hello there! 

Marita...I definitely relate.

Had some girl time this weekend...but, everywhere we went reminded me of Kev.

The last time I went to all the places was with him...couples snuggled up on the tram....the list goes on...

I didn't say a whole lot to the ladies about it, I don't want to be the Debbie Downer...but my mind and my heart were filled with the thoughts and memories ...trying to create new memories to have happy thoughts again....maybe one day it will happen.

Cheers, Marie

[Margm]

Well girls, thought I could do all this being around people stuff.  I can to a certain point, then I cannot.  When I go somewhere and feel worse coming home, I don't need to go back.  I do have family, but sometimes that can be a hassle too.  Honestly, guess I am not comfortable for long anywhere, except asleep at night.  So, that widow that told me "now you get to find yourself" might have been right, guess I need to start looking for myself.  One is a lonely number you know.  I do have my granddaughter, but once you lose your mate, you are really alone everywhere you go.  

[Marie Lee]

So true Marg...one is the loneliest number....wasn't that a song by three dog night?

[Margm]

Yep

[Widowedbysuicide]

I started out life as an only.  It was lonely even with a house full of other relatives I always felt removed.  Having my hubby as a childhood friend really was wonderful.  It was a great connection.  We were almost like what I imagined siblings to be like.  He knew so much about my life as he lived across the street for many years.  As we got older, me being slightly older - almost 2 years, I started noticing other boys before he was noticing girls.  He was always in my life, either at home across the street or visiting my parents, and he saw the guys come and go as I dated.  Being married to him I always felt wanted and safe.  Now I'm back to being alone again and I don't feel good at all.

[AB3]

1 hour ago, Widowedbysuicide said:

I started out life as an only.  It was lonely even with a house full of other relatives I always felt removed.  Having my hubby as a childhood friend really was wonderful.  It was a great connection.  We were almost like what I imagined siblings to be like.  He knew so much about my life as he lived across the street for many years.  As we got older, me being slightly older - almost 2 years, I started noticing other boys before he was noticing girls.  He was always in my life, either at home across the street or visiting my parents, and he saw the guys come and go as I dated.  Being married to him I always felt wanted and safe.  Now I'm back to being alone again and I don't feel good at all.

I'm so sorry that you are alone again, I can definitely relate I grew up all alone too but when I met my love I finally was able to fill that void. Nevertheless, your love story is beautiful the way you grew up together and fell in love. I wish we didn't have to end up the way our lives began.....

[kayc]

Marita, that's tough.  I have my sisters only a phone call away, I wish they were closer.  I have one nearby but she smokes in her house and I can't be around it, still we can talk on the phone when her husband doesn't have the t.v. up super loud (he's hard of hearing).

I think we all feel alone after losing our spouses, even if surrounded by people.

[DaveM]

Marita,

My Dana also was an only child, and from two only children. She was raised to be independent, and it stuck with her all her life. When we were a couple 33 years ago, the 'only' business did not register with me in any meaningful way, but when we reconnected last May, I realized how alone she had been much of her life. That did not bother her. She often made trips alone, dined out alone, etc., without a care. Being reminded of this after we re-joined was an eye-opener. No first cousins, no uncles and aunts. She did have grandmother on her Mom's side and both grandparents on her Dad's, but I had 4 brothers and sisters, and numerous first cousins.

Her ex was not really family-oriented, met obligations rather than enjoying his family. She loved his family, though, and took care of birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, etc. But when they divorced, his family shut her out, all save his mother, who still appreciated Dana. I was looking forward to bringing her into mine. Because of our distance, she only had met my younger sister & her husband. She loved them and they were enchanted by her.

Unfortunately, that lone wolf mentality meant she intended to deal with Thanksgiving and Christmas on her own in Texas. Was going to be her first set of holidays not cooking. First set of holidays not being with her 2 sons (20 & 24). I asked if she would come to NC, but she felt she had to deal with it by herself. That independence again. Although we had talked every day for 6 months, she wanted time alone to process and deal with the holidays. We decided she would call when she needed to talk.

The last time we talked was December 16, from 10pm until after midnight. The following week I sent a few texts, and broke down and called 3-4 times. No response, but we had already had a 7-day and an 8-day stretch between calls. So I let her be. She died in her sleep some time between December 17 and December 28 when she was found by the police. A local friend noticed holiday packages piling up at her door, and called the police to check on her on the 28th. Ours was the last call made or answered on her phone. I so much wish I had been with her. She should not have had to die alone.

She had several health issues, including asthma and had pneumonia in November. She was also on a liquid diet due to injuries from an accident back last summer. On the 16th she told me she was feeling better, and was able to get some solid food down. We were planning for me to eventually sell here in NC and to move to TX, but that was months off. Now I have no goals, no plans, no future.

On top of all this, I was just a 'boyfriend' as far as society and the law is concerned. Her ex and sons have her ashes, now in Connecticut, and I have nothing. I asked for a small portion of her ashes, a cup or handful, shoot, even a thimble-full, but no luck. They haven't been unkind, but I'm just collateral damage to them. But I know this. SHE LOVED ME. And I loved her, both for the bright, articulate girl she was 33 and 34 years ago, and for the witty, brilliant woman she was today. She told me over the past 7 months she had never felt as loved in her whole life as she felt from me, so at least I have that.

Sorry for the long post.

Dave

[kayc]

Dave, I can relate to how Dana must have appreciated you...I was in a 23 year marriage with my kids' dad and never felt loved.  He was hard on us, perfectionist and controlling, and never appreciated who we (the kids and I) were as people.  When I met George, we clicked instantly, we were soul mates, we were meant to be together, and it was vastly different.  We connected, we communicated really well, our relationship was amazing.  He loved my kids and they loved him for who he was.  They were heartbroken when he died.  I remember my daughter saying (they didn't have kids yet but were planning to someday) "Now who is going to be Grandpa George!" and she cried.  My son called from the Air Force and said, "Mom, I don't know what is the matter with me, I wake up crying, I break out in tears at work..."  My son was always unemotional, we used to call him Spock.  I said, "You're grieving, and it's okay, everyone at work understands."  

My son remarked years later that he is glad he had the example of George and my loving relationship because he hadn't had that growing up and otherwise he wouldn't know what to look for or what it was.  That is a testament to George and my love.

[DaveM]

34 minutes ago, kayc said:

Dave, I can relate to how Dana must have appreciated you...

Thank you, Kay. I cannot tell you how that helps, but it really does.

[Widowedbysuicide]

I'm sorry that her family hasn't recognised your grief.  And you are right about having her love.  I hope your great memories will bring you comfort during the difficult times ahead.