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My Mask, Grief Poem

Every morning I wake up and put on a mask,
the mask makes everything seem alright,
But they don't know I cry at night,
The nightmares just won't go away
If only I knew it was your last day
For six years I've felt this pain
The feeling just won't go away,
Everyone thinks I've dealt with your death the best,
but without this mask I'd be a mess.

By Ellie Nazza

---

I know I have a mask!

NATS

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Of course you have one, we all do!  Come here whenever you want.

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Thank You Marty...Yes I knew!

I never left really, I follow daily with Notifications...just rarely posted.

It's amazing how many people are still here, and how many that have left.

Thanks kayc

NATS

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  • 1 month later...

I have been receiving news from pregnancy, marriage proposals, new awesome relationships, plans for amazing trips in Europe, plans to decorate new homes, invitations to go clubbing cause we need to have fun.

I'm glad about all of my friends news, plans and excitments. And I am sad for myself. It hurts. I try to be strong but I cannot keep up the mask for too long. I make no further questions about the subject and I just limit to congratulate for the news. 

Will I ever be strong enough and insensitive to all of these? I wish I were 70 80 years old. The 30s are the time to be happy, as many of you were too. To me, the 30s meant the end of the dreams I dreamed. It happened too soon.

 

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Ana -

I can't imagine going through what you face daily.  You're right; the thirties are for building for the future, not facing the end of dreams.  I want to believe that you will someday be strong enough to find genuine joy in what your friends are finding but then I also believe that it will always be tainted by what you lost.  

Espero que usted encuentre paz mi amiga.

Brad

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I'm not in my 30's, but I can relate to your feelings, Ana.  I hear all the time about plans and activities people are doing and really wish I could find some interest in conversing with the  people about it.  Like you, I don't ask questions anymore.  I just don't care or it is a reminder I go home to nothing now.  I wake up every day with a thought or idea to tell Steve and bam!  I can't and it's a horrid way to start another long day.

you being in your 30's has to be extra hard seeing all those around you taking beginning steps and feeling robbed of that.  We married late 20's, but it was in the next decade we really started working on building the life we wanted for the future.  To be robbed of that joy, hope and enthusiasm is so cruel.  

The mask becomes suffocating the longer we wear it.  If only it felt better to take it off,  but it rarely does anymore.

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My youth wasn't like that, the only part of my life that was about being happy was spent with George (late 40s early 50s), the rest was pretty much hard places and working hard.  I enjoyed my children but life was about them, not me...it was when I met George that I chose what I wanted.

It's hard watching everyone else enjoying life while yours isn't what you'd expected.  I see that on Facebook.  My sister and others going on fabulous trips while my life is more about struggling to fix something costly around the house and doing without...and doing it alone.  It's not that we begrudge them their enjoyment, it's just a bit much to take sometimes.

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While it seems as if everyone else is enjoying life (especially those who post on Facebook!) we're wise to remember that everyone has a story, and very few of us get through life without a struggle. I think Facebook is the last place to measure what someone else's life is really like ~ most especially when we're drowning in grief and feeling so alone. 

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I agree Marty. Everyone has a story...what looks good on the outside doesn't mean it's all good on the inside. Just look at all of us with our "mask", smiling to everyone saying we are good or ok but on the inside we are in pain and we are definitely not ok. 

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I've liked that poem, NATS. I think we do wear our masks depending on who we are with. One thing we do know as Marty has said, we do not need to wear a mask here. It is good to see you here again. I remember how very supportive you were to me when I came on in 2012. How are you doing on your journey? I cannot believe it will be five years for me as you are in your seventh year without your Ruth. Are you still in FL?

Anne 

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It's interesting, this topic.  My pastor has been preaching about our "masks" the last month or so.  He is one of the most authentic people I know, and he has the ability to be vulnerable with us.  It helps us let down our guards and take off our mask around each other.  I think we wear a mask in public to protect ourselves, as Dr Lenera says, but it's good to have those in our lives we can let down and be real with.

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A role is really another way to "mask."  Dana was an artist, writer, poet, editor, college instructor and more. Like me, she was introverted as could be, but she learned to adopt the proper persona depending upon the role. I wear a mask at work every day. I can answer "fine," when greeted and asked how I am. I can smile at stories or jokes, carry on "normal" conversations with those who do not know my story, and carry on as though all is well. But here I can share my heart.

Here I can talk to those who have been in this state longer, and who can and have guided me with their own experiences.

NATS, thank you for the poem.

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I will be pondering this subject for awhile...

A mask usually signifies a covering or hiding of the true identity.  My perspective is different now in that I choose to reveal surfaces areas but the deeper side of my personality I reserve in people and situation that I can trust that people can relate and understand.

When someone asks me how I am doing, I usually say "fine".  Most people ask the question as a courtesy greeting and not a real quest for information.  I used to share all my thoughts and feelings to whoever would listen.  Now I try to chose wisely when is the best time and place to share.   

In this forum it is easier to share the deeper thoughts and feelings because of the help, feedback, and constructive response of people here over time. I miss being able to share the deeper thoughts and feelings with my wife. That is another thing that makes this grief so hard.  - Shalom

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It's hard now having to have 2 sets of communication with people.  It was so easy when life was 'normal' together with our partners.  I know it is a courtesy that people ask how we are, it's 2nd nature and we do/did it ourselves.  As you said, George, now I have to stop and think about the person and what they really want to know.  Even if someone says they are terrible, it usually is because of something like locking thier keys in thier car or something the asker can relate to.  We all have found relating to grief is incomprehensible to those that haven't experienced it.  I have a person in my life that said she understood my grief after listening for 2 years.  I only give her credit for a very vivid imagination because she is clueless of the depth of it.

Im trying to figure out if I even wear a mask.  I don't think I do because no one truly notices.  I am dressed, groomed and walking around.  Guess that means I meet the requirements of a functional person.  I've never been any good at acting differently than I feel.  I've had people tell me I look great on days I am crumbling inside and look down on days I am handling better.  

I guess all this proves is we have no idea what we look like to others.  Is it any wonder we don't recognize ourselves?  

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