Guest Posted February 1, 2017 Report Share Posted February 1, 2017 I'M BACK!!!! No melodrama intended here friends. SERIOUSLY. Fact is i got really broadsided yesterday with some awful information that really affects my financial situation in a seriously bad way. Rite now i still don't know whether it's a good or bad thing that i just am not able to seriously accept the notion of suicide. It just goes against everything i believe in. That thought was bouncing around in my head yesterday but it didn't go any further than that. We all have our crosses to bear. Mine just got one heck of a lot heavier. But i reckon the world is still stuck with my presence. So-----here i go... One foot in front of the other... Darrel Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted February 1, 2017 Report Share Posted February 1, 2017 Suicide isn't the answer Darrel, it removes all hope or possibility of anything changing. I hope things don't end up as dire as you see them to be. My friend lost her husband a few years ago, had no income coming in, no medical insurance, fell and broke her arm. Things looked pretty dire. Fast forward a few years...somehow she's never gone without a meal or a roof over her head. A former doctor sent her samples covering her Rx needs. Someone provided a place for her to stay if she looked after their horses. She got food stamps. Within a few months she got Medicare and Social Security. Someone even donated their truck as a down payment on her car so she'd have transportation. I was amazed how things worked out for her. After a few years she remarried and they're doing well and happy together. We can never predict life, and shouldn't even try...ESPECIALLY when things look bad. Yes, one foot in front of the other...one day at a time. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted February 1, 2017 Report Share Posted February 1, 2017 Thank you KayC. I do know you're right. I have always prided myself on having an upbeat, positive personality. My wife did also. But her death was the biggest and heaviest bulldozer i have ever been run over by, and it seems that no matter how hard i try to stay on top of this emotional roller coaster i'm just not able to. Is it possible that i' trying too hard? I don't know the answer to that one. Like i said tho, suicide just really goes against everything i believe in. In my anger and frustration yesterday i did think about it, but it didn't go any further than the thinking stage. So again yesterday i was tested, and i suppose i didn't completely flunk that test. I'm still here. I'm kind of embarrassed now over admitting that i even considered it, but i can't take it back. It's sorta hard to get that genie back into the bottle. But i do apologize to everyone for being such a whiny child. \Darrel Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brad Posted February 1, 2017 Report Share Posted February 1, 2017 17 minutes ago, olemisfit said: I'm still here. I'm kind of embarrassed now over admitting that i even considered it, but i can't take it back. I believe thoughts of suicide are common in those of us who find ourselves so consumed with grief. I've spent much time over the past eighteen months ideating on suicide. Slowly as time has passed the thoughts have evolved from a permanent solution to a situation I did not/do not want to be in to now an anticipatory solution to the possibility of finding myself incapacitated. My greatest fear now that I am alone is finding myself in a situation where I am dependent on strangers. I'd be surprised if I were the only one who considers suicide as a potential solution. After my first bowel obstruction I had it all planned out. I was determined to kill myself rather than go through that kind of pain again. Twenty some obstructions later I now know it's just part of the disease. The same thing happened after my first bowel rupture but when that happened a second time I once more fought through. Darrel you are in good company and have nothing to be embarrassed about. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted February 1, 2017 Report Share Posted February 1, 2017 Thank you Brad for the kind words and encouragement. I retired @ 62 which reduced my monthly income. She needed me then. Even tho times are hard now i don't regret doing it. I would do it the same way again even knowing what i know now. Even saying that and knowing that doesn't make it any easier to deal with some of the crap that comes along. If the Duke was sitting here beside me he would tell me to cowboy the f#&* up. Then i would tell him to #%&* off. And we'd both feel better. lol! Let's all have us a good day! One foot in front of the other... Darrel Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marie Lee Posted February 1, 2017 Report Share Posted February 1, 2017 Hang in there Darrel...we never know what lies around the bend..good or bad. There is a certain randomness to life...and people make a difference in each other's lives. Prayers for peace, Marie 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brad Posted February 1, 2017 Report Share Posted February 1, 2017 1 hour ago, olemisfit said: I retired @ 62 which reduced my monthly income. She needed me then. I did the same thing. My plan was to retire no earlier than 67 as I loved what I did. On February 9, 2015 I went to school with those plans. At lunch time I went into the principal's office and told him I would finish the day and not be back. I got home and by six o'clock we were moving to the Valley. It was appartent that Deedo could no longer handle the 7,000 foot elevation. It was also apparent that inspite of all of her treatment the cancer was getting the upper hand. What's the saying?: If you want to make God laugh tell him your plans. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cookie Posted February 1, 2017 Report Share Posted February 1, 2017 3 hours ago, Brad said: I believe thoughts of suicide are common in those of us who find ourselves so consumed with grief. I've spent much time over the past eighteen months ideating on suicide. Slowly as time has passed the thoughts have evolved from a permanent solution to a situation I did not/do not want to be in to now an anticipatory solution to the possibility of finding myself incapacitated. My greatest fear now that I am alone is finding myself in a situation where I am dependent on strangers. I'd be surprised if I were the only one who considers suicide as a potential solution. After my first bowel obstruction I had it all planned out. I was determined to kill myself rather than go through that kind of pain again. Twenty some obstructions later I now know it's just part of the disease. The same thing happened after my first bowel rupture but when that happened a second time I once more fought through. Darrel you are in good company and have nothing to be embarrassed about. Darrel and Brad: You are not alone...I have thought of it off and on, more now than at first, as my husband was so intent on me living and being happy. So sorry about your physical ailments...but I, too, wonder what will happen to me and what I will do if I get incapacitated. I have always been so used to doing what I want and when you are alone it is so much scarier a thought. I do believe any thoughts are valid now; I'm having thoughts I never imagined having before this. I got laid off from my job soon after John had gone through the treatment for his throat cancer. It was such a financial blow. I looked for a job but couldn't find one, so I retired early. I am working part-time now at home. He had retired and when it was time for me to retire, we were going to travel, etc. He was diagnosed 3 months after he retired and things went as they did...so much for plans. Now everything is still feeling upended for me and I am hoping to work through this at some point. Good wishes to you both....Cookie 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Widowedbysuicide Posted February 1, 2017 Report Share Posted February 1, 2017 I will add that even fully knowing and experiencing the pain of a spouse's suicide does not prevent those thoughts from catapulting around my brain. In early days I wondered if he expected I would follow. After a few months my thoughts were more about alleviating my own pain. At that time our 29 year old son and I promised each other that we would not suicide. We have very open conversation now and it is much better since he started counseling a month ago. Thoughts are one thing and may continue... the action is the end. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AB3 Posted February 1, 2017 Report Share Posted February 1, 2017 53 minutes ago, Widowedbysuicide said: Thoughts are one thing and may continue... the action is the end. This is so true. Darrel, you are not alone. I struggle with thoughts of suicide each and every day....right now they are just thoughts but I can't deny making actual plans to do so. This pain as we all know is too much to bare at times. All we can do is take it one day at a time....actually taking it min by min or sec by sec seems to be the best we can do. This life can feel so lonely and pointless without our loves and especially so when compounded by other issues. I pray that we all make it through this....some how....some way.... 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted February 1, 2017 Report Share Posted February 1, 2017 To all of my supporters that are here for me rite now, i say thank you from the bottom of my heart. I am struggling with my thoughts still today. I don't mean to praise myself, but i suppose i'm doing something at least a wee bit right. I'm here today to be continuing the struggle. I shouldn't talk anymore about my problems. Mine are no worse for me than yours are for you. I feel like i've turned this into a pity party, and i don't like how that makes me feel about myself. I reckon now would be as good a time as any for me to (as my mom used to say) straighten up and fly right. Or find my bootstraps and yank on them in an upward direction. Anyway, here i go... One foot in front of the other (aand hope i don't trip over it!)... Darrel Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KarenK Posted February 1, 2017 Report Share Posted February 1, 2017 Welcome back and so glad you are safe, Darrel. I will be the "odd man out" here and say that I have never contemplated suicide, not physically anyway. I am slowly killing myself mentally. My finances are in the toilet with no way out. I don't drink and I don't do drugs, but(I am very ashamed to admit this to you, my friends), I gamble with money I cannot afford to lose. After losing Ron and Debbie, gambling became my escape from reality. Reality is in full force now. I am a compulsive gambler, more out of desperation and loneliness. Most people do not understand this disease. I have been to GA meetings which are helpful to a point, but should probably break both legs so I can't drive myself to the casino. Enough about my mess. I am the one who got myself into it. Grief drives us to do terrible things. I hope some of you will understand and not judge me too harshly. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Froggie4635 Posted February 1, 2017 Report Share Posted February 1, 2017 Dear Darrel, The word PITY holds some negative connotations, but it is something necessary for a grieving spouse. It is not pity, or feeling sorry for ourselves when we mourn and grieve the loss of the most important person in our lives. We MUST allow ourselves the time to go deep inside the feelings we have coming at us on a continuous basis. If you need to wallow, then by all means do it. It is necessary to help us sort out and try and process all that has happened, and what will continue to happen in the coming days, weeks, months and years. I was always hard on myself, and my grief counselor told me so, about allowing and permitting myself to FEEL my feelings and emotions whatever t hey were at the time. She had to point out to me that losing my husband unexpectedly at the age of 53 was a SHOCK to my system and a trauma to my life. Anyone who did not see it as such were not to be paid attention to. Whatever ways you can find to help you, do them. By reading your posts, you are a very intelligent man who does have a grip on the situation...but is just trying to make your way through each day. Sometimes we have to just stop and for a few minutes tell ourselves we are doing the best we can. We are all her e for you. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Froggie4635 Posted February 1, 2017 Report Share Posted February 1, 2017 Karen... HUGS to you, my friend. Like you, I don't drink or do drugs...never been a gambler. But oh, I can SHOP!!! and I do it well and often. There is NO judgement here.... 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted February 1, 2017 Report Share Posted February 1, 2017 14 minutes ago, KarenK said: Welcome back and so glad you are safe, Darrel. I will be the "odd man out" here and say that I have never contemplated suicide, not physically anyway. I am slowly killing myself mentally. My finances are in the toilet with no way out. I don't drink and I don't do drugs, but(I am very ashamed to admit this to you, my friends), I gamble with money I cannot afford to lose. After losing Ron and Debbie, gambling became my escape from reality. Reality is in full force now. I am a compulsive gambler, more out of desperation and loneliness. Most people do not understand this disease. I have been to GA meetings which are helpful to a point, but should probably break both legs so I can't drive myself to the casino. Enough about my mess. I am the one who got myself into it. Grief drives us to do terrible things. I hope some of you will understand and not judge me too harshly. Thank you Karen. You don't need to be concerned about me being judgmental. Sounds to me like the gambling is a coping mechanism. I'll bet'cha a dollar to a donut that when the time's right you'll be able to walk away from it. (I like donuts so don't you dare make me lose this one!) lol one foot in front of the other... Darrel Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gin Posted February 1, 2017 Report Share Posted February 1, 2017 No judgement here, Karen. We all find things that help us get thru this horror. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KarenK Posted February 1, 2017 Report Share Posted February 1, 2017 And Darrel, who could forget Jack Nicholson at his finest. I highly doubt that you are as evil looking as he was. LOL Take care 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted February 1, 2017 Report Share Posted February 1, 2017 Hi Darrel, I believe that it is quite common for those of us who are grieving a loss to have thoughts of suicide. Here are a few links that may help. You are not alone. Thoughts of suicide in grief Widow fears sharing thoughts of suicide I agree with what others have said about no judgments about how we handle our grief. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted February 2, 2017 Report Share Posted February 2, 2017 What amazes me if one expresses the thought of suicide it is jumped on by people like we are nuts. Well, grief is not logical, that's for sure. I've never used the word around anyone but my counselor, but even saying I don't want to be here without him will have people telling me all the reasons I should. What an assortment of things I have heard that mean nothing to me. Of course, we know these people cannot comprehend the enormous pain and that it will never really end. I've had nothing but health problems since Steve died. My body just started falling apart when my caregiver role ended. The stress of that came thru loud and clear. Last night I was so sick with what I now know is pneumonia I sobbed and begged death to just take me now. So we do think it, feel it. I often want to 'go to sleep' as he did and leave this world behind. As Maryann said, it's an extreme trauma. Maybe that would be a better word to use as grief is on such a timeline for those not experiencing it. I suspect, tho, that word would be lost on them. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted February 2, 2017 Report Share Posted February 2, 2017 22 hours ago, olemisfit said: I'm kind of embarrassed now over admitting that i even considered it, but i can't take it back. It's sorta hard to get that genie back into the bottle. But i do apologize to everyone for being such a whiny child. You are not whiny for expressing your feelings, I have felt the same way many times. I remember when the social security office told me late on a Friday afternoon that I'd only get $200/month instead of the $1100 I thought, and left me to worry over it on a three day weekend before being able to get someone else to talk to on a Monday morning...that was extremely hard! There is no "test" so no "flunking". We are just people going through some very hard places with struggles we're carrying all alone...that's all the more reason we need a place like this. Gwen, I don't think we "jumped on him"...we are quick to talk to people with suicidal thoughts because we don't want that to happen. Should we just let someone go ahead with it and not say anything? I've had someone commit suicide, I don't want to personally see that aftermath again! 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted February 2, 2017 Report Share Posted February 2, 2017 Kay, My post was further in the thread about having feelings of not wanting to go on. It was not directed at any individual here. It dismays me you would think I wouldn't have compassion and concern if someone posted that was thier intent here. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marie Lee Posted February 2, 2017 Report Share Posted February 2, 2017 No judgement here for anyone...Peace 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kevin Posted February 2, 2017 Report Share Posted February 2, 2017 The most rational people can have the stars line up with compounded stressors and a irreversible decision can be the result......In the darkest of times a close friend of mine considered suicide but the fear of Judgement held her back.....All it took was a rebalancing of meds and touch of Prozac.....Good as new now and walking 5 miles a day...........Mental Health effects us all.........always the best 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted February 3, 2017 Report Share Posted February 3, 2017 On 2/1/2017 at 7:37 AM, olemisfit said: But i do apologize to everyone for being such a whiny child I did not court suicide, I had my plan made out and it was liberating for me and I never for once considered the rest of my family. I had lost my family in Billy. Then, not knowing for sure how my religion viewed it, not understanding if I was following Billy or going the other way, I reconsidered. But, I flirted with the idea of stopping breathing when I would cry. It would have been so easy to let go. That would have been accidental. I did not want to live. Then my family got the gist of it, and the biggest uproar was caused right on down to putting me "away." Well, to hell with that. I guess I was gonna live. I had not considered anyone but Billy and following him. So, there are other people we have to consider, even though sometimes the finances of others drive us to distraction and having to take care of so many people, but even that can be evened out over time. And, what would I have been doing to my granddaughter? Honestly, sometimes we do have to think of other people dammit. My heart is with you with your problems and I hope they even out better.. You know we all have had them. Hard to fight alone, but sometimes we have to. (One foot in front of the other). 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted February 3, 2017 Report Share Posted February 3, 2017 16 hours ago, Gwenivere said: It was not directed at any individual here. Thanks for clarifying that. I just took it at face value, I'm sorry I misunderstood your comment. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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