Who Here Remembers "The Shining"?

[Gwenivere]

I'm glad we cleared that up, Kay.

[Cookie]

On ‎02‎/‎01‎/‎2017 at 11:16 PM, Gwenivere said:

What amazes me if one expresses the thought of suicide it is jumped on by people like we are nuts.  Well, grief is not logical, that's for sure.  I've never used the word around anyone but my counselor, but even saying I don't want to be here without him will have people telling me all the reasons I should.  What an assortment of things I have heard that mean nothing to me.  Of course, we know these people cannot comprehend the enormous pain and that it will never really end.  I've had nothing but health problems since Steve died.  My body just started falling apart when my caregiver role ended.  The stress of that came thru loud and clear. Last night I was so sick with what I now know is pneumonia I sobbed and begged death to just take me now.  So we do think it, feel it.  I often want to 'go to sleep' as he did and leave this world behind.  As Maryann said, it's an extreme trauma.  Maybe that would be a better word to use as grief is on such a timeline for those not experiencing it.  I suspect, tho, that word would be lost on them.

I feel like I don't want to be here a lot, sometimes more than others.  It comes and goes.  Sometimes I'm just what I call neutral...no feelings.  I like that place.  Then, it hits me and I don't want to be here period.  If I say I don't want to be here to someone, usually they give me all the reasons I should be here...but they are not living in my mind, heart and body.  I really struggle with pointlessness now.  It's worse after 19 months, when I was hoping it would be better.  That leaves me feeling despair.  Can't imagine that it's going to get better than this. 

[Widowedbysuicide]

27 minutes ago, Cookie said:

I feel like I don't want to be here a lot, sometimes more than others.  It comes and goes.  Sometimes I'm just what I call neutral...no feelings.  I like that place.  Then, it hits me and I don't want to be here period.  If I say I don't want to be here to someone, usually they give me all the reasons I should be here...but they are not living in my mind, heart and body.  I really struggle with pointlessness now.  It's worse after 19 months, when I was hoping it would be better.  That leaves me feeling despair.  Can't imagine that it's going to get better than this. 

I think you are expressing my situation.  I'm only at  -13 months and this is sure a rocky ride.  I still have some hope of a life less brutal than my current one.  ? flowers and hugs to you Cookie.

If there is anything that can help keep our heads above the water, please toss it with the life ring.

[Cookie]

Hey Karen:  Don't feel bad about sharing how you cope.  So, I drink more wine than I used to and I do think of what it would be like to get out of this life.  I think it gives me comfort knowing that I do have an option, not that I'm planning on using it.  Yes, I agree, Marg, we do have others to think about.  But, boy, this pain is unrelenting.  Sometimes I think those that love us would actually understand in some way.  Darrel, talk about your feelings as much as you want here.  I and probably everyone else gets some comfort just knowing we aren't alone in those feelings, because I can tell you everything you said was very close to how I feel.  I read something from someone who lost a loved one that said everyone says time heals the pain, but it doesn't; you just learn to get used to it.  I'm beginning to realize that is what it is.  I think it's going to take a long time to get used to it......Hugs everyone, Cookie

[Gwenivere]

6 hours ago, Cookie said:

Hey Karen:  Don't feel bad about sharing how you cope.  So, I drink more wine than I used to and I do think of what it would be like to get out of this life.  I think it gives me comfort knowing that I do have an option, not that I'm planning on using it.  

That's the way I see it, Cookie.  I tell myself it must be part of the process some of us have to feel.  I don't like the option, but I don't know how I would psychologically do without it.    I like my wine too.  Actually drinking little less because I need my tranquilizers more.  I remember when wine time was the best.  I would feel so settled at the end if the night.  Now it's anything but.

[Margm]

Hey, I just mentioned to my doc (after she named off a list of things that I needed to have done), that all I wanted to do was live long enough to see my granddaughter on her own two feet and happy.  So she puts me on antidepressants obviously not understanding she herself could kill me.  

I am not ashamed that I wanted to follow Billy.  I am not ashamed for having a plan.  I did do a minor bit of critical thinking before I carried it out.  Not sure enough about the religious side of it to know whether I would be following him or not.  Now, blame that on my southern, redneck, trailer park mentality, countrified, Missionary Baptist mind.  And, on top of all that, if my "innards" would take it I probably would drink.  Am I weak?  Yes I am.  Did I think everything out?  Well, at the time there was nothing to think about except I wanted to be with him.  Never been on my own, but I was not even thinking about that.  I think when you lose someone that is your better/or worse half you flop along with half a brain, half a body, and your heart is more than half gone.

Okay, now that I have had time to think about it, what I remember most is when I was crying so hard and could not stop, when the breathing seemed like it was going to run out, all I could think was "what a peaceful way to go."  

I'm not that way anymore.  I do want to help my granddaughter have a life.  They think Xanax is habit forming. (first off, I don't care and second off I will keep taking it).  I usually take one a day at night.  If I wanted to, I could quit, but the fact is I do not want to and no family practice doctor is going to take them away from me.  I know where to go to get them legally, and I will keep getting them.  As long as they help my shaking, as long as they help me put up with some things i have to put up with, I will handle it myself.  

Do not be ashamed of what you do to live.  I doubt very seriously I will have any "stars in my crown" when I go, but I do believe, and I won't get into religion.  

[Gwenivere]

 Marg, I take Xanax 5 times a day.  The alternative is panic attacks that makes life not worth living.  It beats when I self medicated with alcohol 30 years ago.  As for what people think, I don't give a darn.  No one walks in my shoes but me.  I don't judge others and won't be judged.  I'd rather be 'addicted' (tho dependent is the correct word as I don't have drug seeking behavior, my doc takes this very seriously as constant anxiety leads to suicide for many, it did my grandmother as it is genetic) than live trapped in this house and isolated.  My poor mother never got on a regimen and took it PRN so she lived with the anxiety still instead of killing it before it started.  Does it cure grief?  Not in the least.  But it's a tool I can use to help.

[Margm]

I will go to a shrink, they will listen to me and I don't have to listen to them plan procedures that cannot be done on me.  Besides, I have lots of problems.  Not a whole bunch of people in my family is as smart as I am. 

[kayc]

If I thought my liver could handle it (it couldn't) I might have taken up drinking myself.  There's definitely been some hard times on this journey and growing old alone, I know they aren't done with.

[Cookie]

21 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

That's the way I see it, Cookie.  I tell myself it must be part of the process some of us have to feel.  I don't like the option, but I don't know how I would psychologically do without it.    I like my wine too.  Actually drinking little less because I need my tranquilizers more.  I remember when wine time was the best.  I would feel so settled at the end if the night.  Now it's anything but.

Yes Gwenivere, wine time used to have good associations for me too...John and I would sit and have a glass together and visit or watch TV, etc.  Now, it's my little time of escape. 

[martha jane]

I would probably drink but I don't like the taste. I have taken xanax. It really works quick on a panic attack. But is it safe to take and drink also?

[Gwenivere]

I have my wine hours after taking a Xanax. This is what I do, I do not make any recommendations or suggestions for meds and alcohol as I am not qualified.  My doctor is aware I have wine before bed. 

[martha jane]

If your doctor knows and it is alright with him there must not be a problem then.

 

 

[Finch]

Whisky

[kayc]

Yay, problem solved, mysteriously, I haven't been able to post all day!  

[Gwenivere]

I've had that happen too, Kay.  I used to think it was my iPad, but sometimes the software here goes a little glitchy.  There may also be times it is backing up and that always takes priority.  One thing I am always amazed at it when it clears up and if I were in mid post, it's still there!

[MartyT]

Is everything working properly for everyone now, dear ones? I've been away from my computer most of the afternoon so do let me know if problems continue, and I will submit a support ticket to our service provider . . .

[Margm]

I'm fine on the PC.  It was the tablet would not let me on line and honestly, I have all my passwords in a tiny notebook and cannot remember any of them, so that was why it would not let me on.

[kayc]

My problem was just on Chrome, the other browsers worked fine.  I googled it and never found anything addressing it. It mysteriously cleared up just as mysteriously as it went awry!

[MartyT]

Gremlins.

[Cookie]

Just got off the phone with my sister, who called me and asked how I was doing.  When I said I was having a bit of a hard time because all of a sudden I'm wondering what happened to my husband, she proceeded to reprimand me, saying "why are you doing this to yourself" and you're just torturing yourself."  I really feel like I want answers that I never feel like I got at the time and it's now coming back to haunt me.  He had HPV throat cancer and they said it was a very curable type.  He took the grueling treatment and we kept getting all these good reports from the doctors.  They said radiation was the cure and they burned his neck raw.  He also had Erbitux, a biologic.  Six months before he died, he had a PET scan and they said it was clear.  Then 2 months before he died, a node showed up in his neck and all of a sudden he was terminal.  We were both so shocked.  Now, 20 or so months later I'm just getting around to wondering why he didn't make it.  I know quite a few people with his form of cancer who got the same treatment for the same thing and are here today.  I guess I wished I had asked for an explanation of what their best guess was of why his treatment didn't work, but we were both so shocked and then he was gone.  Anyway, her response was very debilitating to me, making me feel like I'm doing something wrong again.  I did call another widow who was very compassionate and said she still had questions 3 years after losing her husband.  I just don't know if I can have a relationship with my sister.  I think now what she was really saying was not what was I doing to myself but what was I doing to her....trying to get back to center...Cookie

[kayc]

40 minutes ago, Cookie said:

"why are you doing this to yourself" and you're just torturing yourself." 

I'm sorry, that seems very inappropriate to say to you.  It is not a reflection upon you but upon her ignorance of grief.  While you're probably GLAD she's not having to go through this herself, it would help if she would learn a little about how to help a loved one through grief.

 

42 minutes ago, Cookie said:

I think now what she was really saying was not what was I doing to myself but what was I doing to her.

Perhaps rather than sever relationship with your sister, perhaps let the time between exchanges but a little longer and "dose" her out to yourself in amounts you feel able to handle WHEN you can handle it.

[Brad]

Cookie - I understand the questions.  I also do not have the answers.  It was pretty apparent when Deedo was diagnosed that the odds were not in her favor.  However, throughout the three years since her diagnosis people feel the need to share with me how their aunt's second cousin has a neighbor with cancer and was treated with bee venom and wheat grass and is training for a triathlon.  And yet I personally know far more people who have died from cancer than have survived it.  By the time Deedo was diagnosed she had Lung cancer stage 3B.  Five year survival was less than 5%. I have to believe that the medical team gave her their best and in this case the cancer had just spread too far.

I understand how debilitating your sister's response was.  In my humble opinion you have done nothing wrong.  You simply are trying to make sense of something that hurts so badly.  People who have not suffered a loss like ours just cannot begin to understand.  They just want things to be okay for themselves.

[iPraiseHim]

On 2/11/2017 at 11:37 AM, Cookie said:

....  Now, 20 or so months later I'm just getting around to wondering why he didn't make it.  I know quite a few people with his form of cancer who got the same treatment for the same thing and are here today.  I guess I wished I had asked for an explanation of what their best guess was of why his treatment didn't work, but we were both so shocked and then he was gone.  ...  I did call another widow who was very compassionate and said she still had questions 3 years after losing her husband.  I just don't know if I can have a relationship with my sister.  I think now what she was really saying was not what was I doing to myself but what was I doing to her....trying to get back to center...Cookie

Cookie, unfortunately most people including family do not comprehend the depth of the grief we have .  They thrust their expectations on us of how we should FEEL and BE.  I am just careful with what I share with certain people.

It has been a recurring theme for me and I know many others here to think, ponder, and review the what if's and why things turned out the way they did. If I  could find something I did wrong or missed I could blame myself for my wife's death.  However, no matter what I think about or what I could have done it still would not have changed the outcome. There are things I didn't know then that I do know now that could have helped with some of my wife's trials, but I did not know what I did not know.

After the SHOCK of my wife's DEATH, the realization in my heart is the toughest to accept.  Even at close to two years (next week) my heart still cries out for her.  It is still painful and it still hurts.  Even as I write this i weep and my cheeks hurt from crying. Logically and realistically I know she is gone (not here) but that doesn't stop me from not wanting her here.  

My understanding is that I just need to feel and express those feelings in a safe place where I will not be attacked for having these feelings. There are subjects that I can talk about with my sister that I just don't bring up with my Dad.  I love them both but my Dad is not as supportive about this grief.  It is a learning process.  I just take each day one moment at a time.  - Shalom, George  

[Margm]

2 hours ago, Brad said:

this case the cancer had just spread too far.

In the 17 months since Billy left so fast, I have had time to think about all the "what if's" and what they come down to is, it does not matter.  He is still gone.  "If" when he had the nerve damage feeling to his right arm a couple of years ago, what if we had not explained to ourselves that it was the herniated disks in his back.  Finally, we decided to have it checked and they would not do anything because they had found a large brain aneurysm.  Still, they gave us hope of possibly being fixed when we went to the neurosurgeon.  On the way home we were worried, but we had been down that road before with my illnesses.  We ate at Outback, our first time.  Billy loved steak.  That night he had such stomach pains I rushed him to the ER the next morning.  They kept him and his whole body was riddled with cancer.  What happened.  He had been to dermatologists, cardiologist, and twice a year to his nephrologist with complete lab work.  The doctor was from our hometown, he was like family to us. (We never received a bill.) I know enough to know that if he had looked at his LFT's and not just his creatinine and kidney functions he would have seen the irregularity in his liver.  His liver was taken over with cancer.  Couldn't someone have seen these liver function irregularities?  We knew the cancer could not be cured, but his fast death from the ER to the hospital bed, we know was not caused from any one thing.  Heart, lungs, liver, colon, aneurysm?  He is still gone.  He was hyperventilating.  I could calm his breathing.  My strong supporter had become a confused child, my child, my husband, my support, my lover, my very own love, and my last emotion to him was anger for giving up.  We are not ever willing to let them go.  I'm still not willing.  I miss him, but whatever it was that took him, he is still gone.  Until typing this right now, I have had to let it go.  I'm not happy, I don't have a satisfied mind, I want to be with him.....but I have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep (RF).  And if I had gone first, I believe Billy would be doing exactly what I am doing now.  I am him and he is me.