My Heart Still Hurts

[HisWife]

Tomorrow, February 2, at 5 pm, my husband of 33 years drew his last breath three years ago - his last defiant act in the face of the cancer that took over his body in the short time of just 141 days from the test results to his death. I'm not new to this site.  If you go back to March or April 2014 you'll see that I was pretty active on this site.  There is no sanity the first year, but this site allowed me to understand that my insanity at times was normal for me - exactly what I needed to hear from those of you further along in the journey at that time.  While I read this forum everyday and feel as though I know each of you, I stopped regularly posting because my words/thoughts were just playback of what all of you were already experiencing and saying.

These three years have been marked with their own unique experiences.  The first year was just that -- getting through the first year of "firsts." Realizing in my heart at about the 6 month mark that he was gone and I was alone (my mind knew but my heart still carried hope). That was like losing him all over again.

When the second year began, I struggled with the question of "why?" It seemed like I was consumed with that question searching for the answers that never appeared - why didn't the doctor run tests earlier instead of treating the cough with cough syrup, why did I have to insist that his pc doctor make a referral to a pulmonary specialist, why weren't the treatments working, why was time going by so quickly without the results I/he/we had prayed so hard for?  And the big WHY question -- Why him???  It wasn't until towards the end of that second year that my Why question was answered - and it was answered by all of you with your sharing on this website.  The answer that spoke so loudly one night while on this site was -- WHY NOT?  Why not my husband? All of you lost someone you loved dearly and didn't want to lose so why would I think my husband's life should be spared at the expense of your loved one?  My tears began to fall at HIS answer but after that revelation, I have been able to move on.

This past year (the third without him) has been one of growth for me.  Learning who I am as an individual but knowing that who I am is because of my husband's unending love for me.  I still wear my wedding band and always will because we took our vows for life - I'm still living my life.  He's buried at his family plot about 160 miles from our home and I go every month to sit quietly and reflect, remember and now even smile at things I remember during "our time."

My heart still hurts not hearing his voice to calm me when I'm frightened, my heart still hurts not being able to hold his hand or to hug him, my heart still hurts when I reach for him in bed and I'm all alone.  It always will hurt - it's the price we pay for loving one so deeply.  I've learned to accept the hurt and carry it along with me as a reminder of the love I had, have and will continue to have for Al.

Know that as I read each of your comments, my thoughts for you are always that you find some comfort knowing that who you lost loved you so much that your heart still hurts.  Sue

 

[MartyT]

Beautiful, Sue. Thank you for sharing your heart with all of us  ♥

[KarenK]

Sue,

I echo so much of what you expressed. It has been almost four years since Ron left, yet the hurt and loneliness remain, maybe not as intense as it was at first. I was "double whammied" by the death of my daughter just 14 months later. As much as I loved Ron, it was her death that truly shattered me. Even that has become somewhat easier to accept over time. What other choice do we have?

[Autumn2]

For me, it was the opposite. We lost our 31 year old daughter in a traffic accident and then my hubby 12 years later. Her death was devastating but in some ways his seems worse for when she died...I had him and we had each other.

[scba]

Thank you Sue for your post. My second year question has been "who am I now that you are gone?" And in this third year: "what am I going to do from now on, which kind of life am I going to live?"

I miss my boyfriend so much and I still feel lost in my soul without him. I am learning, not sure what, but I am all work in progress.

 

[Margm]

Going on 18th month.  I can see him in my "mind's eye" and he is in my heart but each day he is still gone, some days he is gone more than others.  I realize no matter what I do, no amount of crying is going to bring him back.  I keep a roll of paper towels between my granddaughter and myself because we both cry at the end of a shows, happy, sad, or even commercials. I have said before he passed i was not old.  Now I feel ancient.  This week was bad because I was forced to go through some of the boxes I packed all those long months ago and most things I just put back in the box.  What am I going to do with them?  He is not here to use them, no one else will want them, and I don't want to give anymore away than I already have.  So, I tiredly put them back.  I may never do anything with all those boxes.  Right now, I just need to find the folder I put away last year with his death certificates in them and all the important papers.  I use this word on purpose, I do not have the "foggiest" idea where it is.  My cousin just passed away this past week.  It is surreal, it cannot be, I remember him last as the redheaded wildlife agent that married our cousin on the other side of the family.  I saw their pictures at their wedding, they were so scared and innocent looking.  He was 15 years older and he just died at 90.  That is so unreal.  I was gone 18 years to another state and all the people I knew got old.  This life just gets crazier.  I just was not paying attention.

 

[Gwenivere]

I'm like Ana.  Going into this 3rd year has been the toughest.  It began in the 2nd, but really hitting now.  I just can't get used to the loneliness.  The longer he is gone, the more I find myself remembering what a content life we had.  I'm alone, but have yet to find a way around the fear that brings often.  There is nothing like the safety we feel when we have that someone who may not fix everything, but can at least be there as we go through it.  Together.  There is just no getting around the remainder of our lives are forever changed.

[Guest]

Sue i'm so sorry for all you've had to go thru. We all find out pretty fast that this grief crap sure isn't for whimps! I'm just now in the beginnings of year #2. I set myself up for alot of disappointment by thinking that #2 would be better in every way than #1. My emotions have literally been all over the chart during month#13 that just ended.We all find out pretty convincingly that we are tougher than we gave ourselves credit for. If we didn't start out that way, we are pretty much forced by the circumstances to become that way. My wife & I were a team for 41 years before i had to help her cross over on new year's day of last year. I lost my center of gravity and i'm still stumbling around with no balance. You're obviously a strong person. You're still here amongst us. Keep on fighting the good fight. We're all here for you.

One foot in front of the other...

Darrel

[kayc]

12 hours ago, HisWife said:

This past year (the third without him) has been one of growth for me.  Learning who I am as an individual but knowing that who I am is because of my husband's unending love for me.  I still wear my wedding band and always will because we took our vows for life - I'm still living my life.

Sue, this statement speaks to me, because I found it took me a good three years to process my husband's death, and there has been a lot of learning and growth along the way...it's been 11 1/2 years in my journey.  I, too, wear my wedding band, I couldn't for years because it's a wide band and it made callouses on my finger, but I got it resized and now I can wear it and it brings me comfort, the best relationship I've ever known, what a tribute to this man, my husband!

What once brought me pain earlier in my grief journey, now brings me comfort and I can reach inside and find all of the good that he brought to our relationship, to me!

[Widowedbysuicide]

Your post has really moved me HisWife.  Your honesty and your love are very grounding for me, thank you.  I hope for you that this year will improve from last year. ?