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Living in a world without love


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Kevin, I finally got rid of all my vinyl and cassettes a few years ago. Kept one Floyd Cramer cassette that's not made on CD. Also got rid of all the VHS movies after Ron died. He had insisted we keep them even though we no longer had a player.

Time marches forward.

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I have some vinyls, but nothing to play them on. 

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On ‎02‎/‎14‎/‎2017 at 4:06 PM, KarenK said:

There is no Valentine's Day anymore. It went "poof" four years ago. It is just February 14. I will grab a few things waiting for me at the library, pick up a few groceries, get a haircut, and some Chinese take-out, and come home once again to my lonely house.

I am having a lousy, sad week. Keep having recurring visions of my daughter's last days as she clung to me in absolute panic struggling to get a breath and the helplessness I felt. I would gladly have given her mine. As an old supervisor of mine once quoted "This too shall pass". I certainly hope so. I've no one to talk to except all of you here.

Hope all here have special memories of your valentine.

Karen:  So sorry for your sad memories.  What you said spoke to me because I too get recurring memories of my husband's suffering before he died and it is debilitating.  Thinking of you and sending you love...Cookie

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Karen,

I wish you didn't have so much pain in your life.  I hope things start going better for your son, when our kids go through something, it's very hard on us too.

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KarenK,  I just saw a portable CD/Cassette player advertised at local hardware store($40)......I'm going to buy it. But all or most of my VHS tapes are going to be involved in my Garage sale.... lots of memories /road trips with those cassetts.....

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I just had all of our home vhs tapes converted to BD.  I bit pricy since I ordered copies for self and the kids.  Twenty BDs times four but at least we can watch the family as the kids grew.  Lots of Christmases and Disney trips.  Happy times evoking happy memories.

BTW - I have a couple of VHS players I'll ship for free if anyone can use them.  One hasn't been out of the box.

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When I cleaned out Billy's cabinets under his bookshelf I found all the films he had made.  I put them in a bag (like you buy at grocery stores, mostly Sam's) that is for cold or hot food.  It is a very pretty bag.  It is up at the top of the closet/pantry off the kitchen.  I will have them put on CD's (or whatever mode the world is using) one day, or at least they are there for the kids to have put on something.  I cannot do it now.  I put the movie camera with them.  Maybe if I live long enough.

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I have a box of 8mm reels of home movies from the 70's, even have some of me as a baby(don't know what mm those are, probably made with chisel and stone). I can't afford to upgrade them, but I actually still have a projector and screen although have no idea how to show them. I know there's some Evel Knievel stuff from the old drag strip here. I'm sure it would be sad watching them, but at the same time, a real hoot.

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12 hours ago, Gin said:

Gwen,

Are you feeling any better?  It is so hard to deal with grief, illness and aloneness.

I'm still struggling.  I feel awful and yes, the aloneness makes it even worse.  After effects or maybe recurring pneumonia and sick when I eat from the antibiotics I was on.  I'm sitting here wondering what to do today as it feels like an insanity crawling over me being so cut off.  It would normally be a volunteer day but don't think I can pull that off.   Had a dream last night and felt actual happiness because Steve was here.  We weren't doing anything but together in our home.  Don't  even recall seeing him much, just knowing he was here.  That's all it took.  Then I woke up to all of our realities.  Couldn't get to the Xanax fast enough because of the anxiety attack.  

Thanks for checking on me, Gin.

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Gwen,.  When I was on antibiotics, I took yogurt with that living stuff in it.  Adds good bacteria back in your system.  Forgot the name.  Might be worth looking into.  Sure hope you feel better soon.  It has been much too long. Glad your dream made you feel good while you were sleeping.  I do not know what is worse...never dreaming of them or dreaming and then realizing it is all for nothing.  Feel better.

Gin

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KEFIR is also good for replenishing the good bacteria that was killed off with the antibiotics.  It does not interfere with the medicine but rather protects you fro the bad side effects of antibiotics.  I find it at Walmart neighborhood marts and most grocery stores. I drink a cup a day and it really helps with the gut and elevates the moods. 60% of our health comes from the gut.  I hope this works for you. I drink both the blueberry and strawberry flavor. - Shalom. George

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It's true, I was watching a Dr. Oz show about it, somebody wrote a book telling about it, can't remember their name but it might be on his site.  I take probiotics (I was taking Walmart's brand but Costco's Trunature is way better so I switched to that).  Not all probiotics are equal!  I haven't had problems with my ulcer since, and probably wouldn't even know it was there if I gave up coffee completely!

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We in Chicago are having beautiful weather...60s in Feb..  People will say, "isn't it a great day?"  Well, I really can not get excited about it.  I do not have the only one that would make it great.  I know that is a lousy attitude, but that is all I can muster.  Everything is compared to how I feel about Al.  I know that this is keeping me from going forward.  Maybe it will change in time.

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I miss your arms around me...protection

I miss your hand clasped in mine ..love

I miss your touch and beautiful smile...romance

I miss all the places we went....togetherness

I miss everything about you...my one and only true love

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^ Beautifully said!

4 hours ago, Gin said:

We in Chicago are having beautiful weather...60s in Feb..  People will say, "isn't it a great day?"  Well, I really can not get excited about it.  I do not have the only one that would make it great.  I know that is a lousy attitude, but that is all I can muster.  Everything is compared to how I feel about Al.  I know that this is keeping me from going forward.  Maybe it will change in time.

Same here, Gin. Nearly 70 degrees and sunny. February in Northern Maryland is usually our worst month for snow. A few years ago we had 2 separate blizzards within 5 days and 60+ inches of snow. This early spring weather is great, but, as you said, I can't really get very excited about it either. Just another day of "aloneness" and longing for what I had not all that long ago. BTW, that's not a lousy attitude. All of us are living in a world that we almost cannot bear. A world not of our choice. A world that feels like life has passed us by. A world where we sometimes struggle to find a reason and a meaning for our existence.

Maybe someday, we'll be able to find some true contentment. Some real peace and comfort.

For now, the concept of happiness seems far fetched. An "impossible" dream.

All you can do these days is hold on and try to find some measure of positivity and hope.

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20 hours ago, Gin said:

 I know that is a lousy attitude, but that is all I can muster.

No, it's not a lousy attitude, it's grief.  How else can you feel!

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It was an amazingly beautiful day here. 75 degrees and not a cloud in the sky. That just doesn't happen in the Mid-Atlantic in February. After work, I did some yard work and called it a day when I ran out of steam. I came inside and sat down to eat some of the pot roast I made yesterday. It was absolutely delicious.

And that's when it always hits me.

I mean, I had a pretty good day, the sun was shining and I accomplished a fair amount. Had a good meal. But, Tammy isn't here  to share it all with me. No big grins and yummy sounds from Tammy when she would eat the food I made. Made with as she said, my secret ingredient... "TLC". No Tammy to share in my accomplishments. And when I went upstairs to rest, no Tammy in bed with me. No one to hug or kiss or give one of my "world famous" massages. Oh how Tammy loved to be "rubbed"... she was always in so much pain.

Yes, the world is still turning on it's axis. Life goes on. But my life now, just like so many members here is not the life I want. That life, sadly, went away on March 6, 2015 when I lost my darling (and perfect for me) wife. That was the day the world lost one of it's brightest stars. The day the world lost one of the most courageous and amazing people ever. My life without Tammy is so hard. So unbelievably different than life with her by my side. So terribly sad.

Of course, I hope and pray that someday, Tammy and I will be reunited. I live my life with her in my heart and in my thoughts. And Tammy will always be a part of me; the part that makes me a better man. Yet, none of those facts make any of this any easier. Living life without the love of your life is like living your worst fear over and over and over. I know it's the price we pay for the deep love we feel for our beloved, but, this meaningless, empty feeling is almost unbearable.

And to think, today was "a good day".

Mitch

 

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1 hour ago, mittam99 said:

Living life without the love of your life is like living your worst fear over and over and over. I know it's the price we pay for the deep love we feel for our beloved, but, this meaningless, empty feeling is almost unbearable.

 

How true that is Mitch.  Hugs to you

Joyce

 

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1 hour ago, mittam99 said:

Of course, I hope and pray that someday, Tammy and I will be reunited.

I don't believe it could be any other way.  (((hugs)))

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Marty,

For now, pleasure is a feeling that's only in my rear view mirror. It's an unimaginable concept these days. I'd settle for having some sense of contentment in my life. The feeling that everything is OK. There's pretty much nothing OK about life after Tammy.

At least I'm still able to put one foot in front of the other and have a bit of hope that tomorrow might be a better one. It's still baby steps, although some days I do take a "big boy" step or two. ;)

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