Really bad days

[Numb and Lost]

I thought I might be doing a little better this week, but it's like it smacks me in the face and I just panic. I was already having terrible anxiety but I was functioning. For some reason I felt I had to know the details of the accident. I had such a terrible image in my mind I thought maybe the truth would be better than what I was  imagining. The information came from the paramedic on the scene and it wasn't better than what I imagined. It was just as bad. I do think he died instantly though. But when I think of him all of a sudden I see that image. It was very very bad. I have never felt any sort of panic like I felt yesterday. My heart rate, BP was high, shaking so bad I couldn't hold things. It was so bad. I was able to calm down with a small dose of xanax. But I found myself again this morning just completely distraught. I wrote a letter and asked Jesus if he could show it to him. I don't know if he does stuff like that or not but just thinking he might gave me a little comfort. I just think about the fact he's gone and I hear him and see him in my mind and I just get so so sick.   What few people know seem to think I should be getting better which is just a slap in the face. It's been a month and I'm still trying to come to terms with it. I just don't feel like I will ever feel any happiness again. It hurts so much. 

[iPraiseHim]

Yes! It took me a very long time. I will never be over it. My wife's sudden death was a complete shock to me and my life.  I found that even people who have lost their partners do not really talk/ share  or give relief. I had to learn how to breathe again because it took my breath away when I thought about it.  You have come to the right place here. People know, care, and understand.  You will find you are not alone. This is a safe refuge.  I discovered that by sharing and asking questions it helps me to understand what was going on.  MartyT has great resources here and many helpful caring people at various stages of their grief walk.  We will listen, care, share, and pray.  Good sleep, plenty or water, eat as healthy as you can because this grief takes lots of energy.  "one day at time, one moment at a time.  I will be lifting you up in prayer. God will supply all of your needs. - Shalom, George     

[AB3]

Numb and Lost, I can so relate to all your pain. I wasn't there when my fiance passed but some of his family members who were around told me exactly how they found him and now that image is stuck in my head.....how painful it is to think about our loves like that! This whole living life or whatever this thing is that we are all in is beyond hard, terrifying and unfair. But know that you are not alone we are all here to listen and go on this unwanted journey with you.

[Marie Lee]

Numb and lost....so very sorry for your experience and the images you have running through your mind.

My Kev died right beside me in our car accident....I was unconscious so I didn't know for a few hrs...

I can only hope the experience for him was similar to my being knocked out. Quick and peaceful.

Its hard for me to fathom it all... There were many days I would gladly have joined him ...survivors guilt plagues me if I allow it to.

I greet with you a hug. Glad you found this refuge ...peace, Marie

[Numb and Lost]

Thank you all. Last night I wrote him a letter and just asked Jesus to show it to him. I don't know if that is something Jesus would do or not, but just the thought that he might gave me some comfort. I tried to keep busy today doing things, and even when I'm busy right in the middle of something I have that shock of realizing he's gone over and over again. I know it but it's just so hard to accept. People who haven't been through this just have no way of understanding what it is like to have memories of being with someone, remember his face and voice so dearly and yet he isn't here anymore. I do believe I will see him again, and that is the only thing that beings me comfort. I feel at peace at times and then it just hits me so hard.

[kayc]

I am so sorry, I know how hard this is, I think we're all haunted by how they went.  My sister had a car accident 49 years ago, it left her a quadriplegic with ruined voice from their emergency tracheotomy, it killed her three year old, and ruined my other sister's balance, they both sustained brain damage among many other things.

We came upon the accident about 1/2 hour after it happened...saw the little VW station wagon mangled, debris everywhere, traffic stopped, her 4 month old baby's bed thrown out on the highway (miraculously he wasn't hurt, everyone else was)...this was the days before carseats and seatbelt laws.  That image stayed in my mind and haunted me for years.  Whenever I saw a car accident, it would send me right back there to that moment.  I was very particular who I rode with and even though I took driver's education, it was years before I'd go get my license.  Unfortunately this was a freeway near my home that I had to continue to use.

I can tell you it fades eventually or at least lessens its grip.  How long that will be, I don't know, but it will.

[Numb and Lost]

That is awful for your sister I can't even begin to imagine going through that and then for her to have to realize she lost her child. I would never be strong enough to make it through that. I don't know if I can make it through this. I feel so guilty for saying that because I have my family and children, but I just feel so hopeless. I just hits me like a ton of bricks every.single.morning.

[iPraiseHim]

5 hours ago, Numb and Lost said:

 I don't know if I can make it through this. I feel so guilty for saying that because I have my family and children, but I just feel so hopeless. I just hits me like a ton of bricks every.single.morning.

Yes it does.  I couldn't imagine or want to live one day without my beloved wife, Rose Anne, yet here I am, 720 days later.  The initial shock and devastation was so overwhelming!  All you need to do is to make it through this moment. 

I couldn't sleep, didn't eat and mostly cried. I searched for answers and finally found this place.  This grief we have is the result of the profound love we have for our mates. It is an expression that is deep, heartfelt, and stays. 

We don't get over it like  cold or a disease. We share and discover how others have coped and dealt with this grief. Death sucks and we have no control of it. 

Your guilt is that you are really grieving and only a few people outside of this group truly comprehend it.  MartyT, and other genuine grief counselors can help us sort out these thoughts and feelings.  There is no timetable or schedule.  I have learned to just face them as they come and that FEELINGS are not FACTS. I found it helpful to share here, write to my wife, pray, and get enough sleep.  We are here for you, just as so many were here for me in my time of need.  - Shalom      

[Numb and Lost]

56 minutes ago, iPraiseHim said:

Yes it does.  I couldn't imagine or want to live one day without my beloved wife, Rose Anne, yet here I am, 720 days.  The initial shock and devastation is so overwhelming!  All you need to do is to make it through this moment.  I could sleep, didn't eat and mostly cried. I searched for answers and finally found this place.  This grief we have is the result of the profound love we have for our mates. It is an expression that is deep, heartfelt, and stays.  We don't get over it like  cold or a disease. We share and discover how others have coped and dealt with this grief. Death sucks and we have no control of it.  Your guilt is that you are really grieving and only a few people outside of this group truly comprehend it.  MartyT, and other genuine grief counselors can help us sort out these thoughts and feelings.  There is no timetable or schedule.  I have learned to just face them as they come and that FEELINGS are not FACTS. I found it helpful to share here, write to my wife, pray, and get enough sleep.  We are here for you, just as so many were here for me in my time of need.  - Shalom      

Thank you. This place is probably the only place I can do where I feel like I'm understood. Even when I have seen the counselors I feel like they are looking at me like I should be better than this by now. One of my friends said he wasn't not the end all be all but for me I guess he was. He was the end all be all as far as truly knowing what loving someone feels like. I could never feel about anyone like I did him. And it hurts so much but he wasn't even "mine" that just makes it so much worse. I just sit here and cry and cry and cry even while I'm typing this. Every moment I'm just begging Jesus to rapture us away because I'm in so much pain. It was just so sudden he was here one day smiling at me and gone the next. 

[iPraiseHim]

16 hours ago, Numb and Lost said:

Thank you. This place is probably the only place I can do where I feel like I'm understood. Even when I have seen the counselors I feel like they are looking at me like I should be better than this by now. One of my friends said he wasn't not the end all be all but for me I guess he was. He was the end all be all as far as truly knowing what loving someone feels like. I could never feel about anyone like I did him. And it hurts so much but he wasn't even "mine" that just makes it so much worse. I just sit here and cry and cry and cry even while I'm typing this. Every moment I'm just begging Jesus to rapture us away because I'm in so much pain. It was just so sudden he was here one day smiling at me and gone the next. 

Christian view...  I was in shock for a long time. God listens to your prayers and catches your tears. I am reading the book of Job right now. In the book his friends sat with him for a week and said nothing.  They were just with him and comforted him. That is what your heart needs.. comfort, understanding, and compassion. 

Initially, all I could do was pray, "Lord help me!" I wasn't able to read or study the Bible much.  I was devastated.  Please be kind to yourself and get as much rest as you can. Grief is hard work. The tears you shed actually help relieve tension and stress in your body.

Right after my wife's (Rose Anne) sudden death, I was only sleeping two hours a night for several weeks. A dear friend here suggested I get some sleep aids. I resisted but later did get some anti-anxiety medication to help my mind relax so my body could sleep.  It took a couple of weeks to get a good amount of sleep for me. 

Your are welcome to ask question, share.  I read several books on grief, searched for answers to my questions.  MartyT has great resources for all of us. All of these great people are here for you and anyone who reads these posts.  " One moment at a time." - Shalom   

[Marie Lee]

Oh my goodness Kay...what a tragic accident for you and most especially your sister...no words, just love...Marie