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Wasted pointless day with no answers


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On 2/5/2017 at 9:36 AM, Widowedbysuicide said:

 

I am not sure about the 'time' frame.  It may take the rest of my life and there will still be a hole in my heart.

 

You can count on Forever,Grief will be part of us till the end, but I've seen Grief being accompanied with Smiles, Tears and laughter. This Journey changes us all...

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Martha, the response you got from the rehab center sounds fishy to me, as if you were given a classic runaround. Were you speaking with someone in a supervisory position? Before you go to the expense of hiring an attorney, I suggest that you Google the words "free legal advice" to see what's available in your state. Many communities offer free legal aid to income eligible residents, and some attorneys offer free advice on common legal questions online (e.g., https://www.avvo.com/free-legal-advice).

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I am just checking the system.  Yesterday I had trouble getting on, in fact, I could not get on.  I was on my tablet though and it would not take my name and password, so I just quit.  I think Kay was having trouble getting in.  Just checking.

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Martha Jane, Marriage Certificate, Death Certificate is all you need(and your ID)......Executor is named in the Will and if you don't have one follow Marty advice for free legal advicel......But I found Marriage Certificate Trumps all......

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Martha, I'd never give you legal advice, but I didn't have money for a lawyer either and didn't go through probate.  I was his only heir as he was told his kids were adopted out (his XW took them when they were young and it took years of searching for him to find them, by then they were grown).  Years after the fact I learned his kids were not legally adopted but merely considered their stepfathers their dad, but they've always been supportive and cordial with me.  All of our assets were mine before we were married or he owed money out against it so I had to sell it to pay off the loan.

I don't know why everything has to be so complicated and cost so much, it seems everyone is money grubbing.  We never dreamed he'd die so young or would have had wills drawn up and filed with an estate attorney and all of the proper paperwork filed.  As it is, I've made a will since so my kids won't have to go through this.

I'm sorry this is so dang tough!  And I'm glad you won't have to eat catfood.

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2 hours ago, Marg M said:

I was on my tablet though and it would not take my name and password, so I just quit.

I could get in but couldn't post or use the "contact us", it was greyed out.  Then it mysteriously started working again after two hours fiddling with it.  ???  Who knows...just glad you're on today!

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5 hours ago, kayc said:

don't know why everything has to be so complicated and cost so much

Billy's was more expensive than it had to be, but it was his insurance money and my grief soaked brain wanted him to get his money's worth.  We still have to have the succession in Louisiana for my mom.  I legally signed everything, land and house over to my sister, but the lawyer needs his at least $1500 for I guess declaring she is dead.  I will be in Louisiana.  My family won't let me save any money so I have got to find a "lay-away" plan for me so I won't cost them anything.  I have to pay it ahead where I cannot touch it or it will be gone.  Also a memorial.  

But like my prophet Billy said "you will be gone and your pain and worry gone and will be placed on those of us that love you."  

Can anyone get the idea I am in a sarcastic mood at the moment.  Really PO's me that my doctor does not believe I am as  bad off as I say I am.  So she gives me pills and tries to finish the job.  The chief side effect is constipation.  Did she even read this?  Okay, gonna find another one.  Gonna write out  what is wrong with me and if they don't believe it I will go somewhere else.  I think I will go up and get copies made of that hospitalization and hand them out like invitations, put them on car windows in parking lots.  I do know how to spell h-y-p-o-c-h-o-n-d-r-i-a-c.  

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16 hours ago, Marg M said:

Okay, gonna find another one.  Gonna write out  what is wrong with me and if they don't believe it I will go somewhere else.

Good for you!  I wouldn't take that either.

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I intend to change doctors too. My doctor encouraged me to put Kenneth on hospice said he would be back or we could come to his office or call to help us make up our minds. Then the hospital doctor came and said he thought we should. He was such a kind man. When I started crying he took both of my hands and held them and talked to me. So he was put on hospice that night. My husband and I saw the same doctor. I would hear him on the floor and would think he would come in and see about Kenneth or see how I was doing. He never even stuck his head in the door the whole time. When I called him and told him we thought we had made a mistake calling in hospice, he had no sympathy for me. Just said I was wrong. A few days after Kenneth died his office called to remind him of an appointment. I told the lady that he had died and would she give his doctor a message for me. I told her I was very hurt that the doctor never looked in on us. I knew that he was no longer on the case but he could have had a heart and at least asked how we were doing. We were up there day and night. I thought he was fond of my husband the nurses all said how much he thought of him, said they talked golf and my husband had even gave him a book. It is so hard to find a doctor to trust these days. You ask one person and they say he is very good and then you mention him to someone else and they tell you a story about their dealings with him and you don't know who to believe. These were home health nurses who I was asking and they deal with a lot of doctors. Probably do just as good to stay home.

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I went to see a lawyer.  I explained to him why I wanted the records. He asked was this going to be a lawsuit. I said no, the fall didn't cause his death, I just wanted to see if and how they reported it. He said he would call there and if that didn't work he would write a letter. He gave me an envelope to mail him 250 dollars. I hope that means he will get the records however it has to be done. Everything we owned was in mine and his name except his truck so there is no need for an executor. Everything goes to me as his next of kin. But the law in Ala says there must be an executor of estate.  What next? Why do things have to be so difficult when I don't even feel like talking to anyone, every time I have to deal with something concerning his death it makes me cry. I still can't believe he is gone. It feels like someone is pouring cold water all over me when the realization hits me. I am beginning to feel afraid and anxious and I don't know why. My daughter left today after spending the weekend and my and my little cat are lonesome. She is curled up on Kenneth's end of the couch.

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I haven't been on here for a long time but just happened to get on tonight and see your post. Does your hospital have a patient advocate or an ombudsman?.  If not usually states have one that you could probably contact to help you get through all the jargon.  Sometimes a parish nurse will help you get the answers also.

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Martha,

I had a similar experience with Ron's cardiologist of 15 years, but reflecting back on his lack of bedside manner, I am not surprised at his lack of interest or sympathy. I believe he visited once during a month's time and then sent other members of his "team" to do his job. I did receive a sympathy card and consoling call from the woman who monitored his pacemaker/defibrillator. When I was told that Ron should be removed from life support, a stranger(a pulmonologist I did had never met) actually asked if he could give me a hug and he did. He was a very kind young man. I did  discover that when there is money to be made, doctors come out of the woodwork, stick their head in the door, call it a visit, and send you a bill.

I hope you are able to get the records without too much more difficulty. Unfortunately medical facilities and doctors are quite adept at covering up their mistakes.

I was a bit afraid being alone at first. A .38 by my bedside solved that.

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Martha Jane,

I never went through probate or any of that stuff.  Everything we had was mine before we married or we owed $ against it.  I got more hospital/doctor/ambulance bills on him than anyone would have wanted so if anyone wanted assets, he didn't have any.  They were welcome to help pay those off but no one was interested in that.

I felt George's doctor was responsible for his death because he never took his complaints seriously and never sent him to a cardiologist until it was much too late, that fateful weekend.  He was caring as my doctor, but so as George's.  What's done is done, too late to change any of it now, but I did pay him a visit after George's death and made him promise me no one would go through what we went through.  He knew I held him responsible, he didn't deny it.  I think he knew, he has to live with that.  I love that doctor as a person, but he sure flubbed up on George and another man right before him.  I used to work for him and considered him a personal friend, but that was a tough pill to swallow.  It think his ego was too big, he thought he could handle everything and didn't refer people.  Our insurance didn't require it, we should have just made an appt. w/o one.

I hope you get the records without any problem, and the answers you are looking for.

And hello, Mary Linda!  Good to have you back!  (Mary Linda works for doctors, for those who don't know).

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Martha Jane....Marty T and MLG are giving advice on what to do before you pay anything.....Lawyers always take money......................and some attorneys offer free advice on common legal questions online (e.g., https://www.avvo.com/free-legal-advice).

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  •  Good luck and take a step back.........kevin
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I knew things were not done correctly before my hubby died. I imediately got his medical records  (all 367'pages) of them with in three days...before anything could be altered ( ot a trusting person am I)? I am currently working with the  hospitals Risk Management  (may bem called something different in your hospital) and they have admitted things were not done to protocol. My hubby died of septic shock related to a kidney stone.He walked into the hospital and died 17 hours later. He was not given IV fluid challengers, Or antibiotics for 9 hours. Would it have made a difference? I dont know except he walked in thinking he would be walking out with an xray or perscription but he didnt. The hospital actually has a Sepsis Protocol bUt it was not followed. All our family wants is that something like this doesnt happen agwin.We are not out for any type of settlement just correction. So far so good,but we shall see. If legal advice is needed I will go that way. I know that my finances could never equal the hospitals as far as a lawsuit so dont want that but if legal advice is needed I know it could cause them a lot of trouble...hence so far they appear to be working with us and showing us their corrective measures.

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  • 11 months later...

My doctor worked on my problem so hard.  Told me to my face that I scared him.  I knew that to get followup care I needed to go back to MD Anderson where 32  years before I had been given the radiation, I needed them to followup my destroyed tissues between my umbilicus and bottom of my hips.  This doctor, who had a terrible bedside manner, he saved my life.  To hell with his bedside manner.  He consulted and consulted.  He considered treatments that I might not survive because I was 70.  After he discharged me I was never free of temperature and then the process of the colon rupturing transferred to the GYN part and they told me they could do a D&C but if they found anything they could not fix it.  Somehow the GYN exam took care of the problem I had from the colon rupturing.  Temp went down to normal and has stayed that way until doc thought she knew more than I did and made me take an antidepressant.  I realize I am not fixable period, so I work with what I have, which is still life.  Knowing I am unfixable, so I keep with the low residue diet and take the Miralax each night.  I missed one night and got dehydrated from what happened.  I figured this was it, from the pain, then just common sense took over and I rehydrated, kept taking the Miralax and things have gone back to what they were.  I have such huge responsibilities to family, to help them, that my death would be catastrophic to members of my family that rely on my help.  They might have to find a life. I have a fear of my granddaughter finding me lifeless, like I found Billy.  And he was one who "fell through the medical cracks" with two checkups and lab a year.  Someone did not read his lab.  Sometimes older people get the worse treatment.  I know, I typed this stuff for 43 years.  A discharge summary with three pages for a younger person and three paragraphs for an older one.  We pay big for medical care that is so lacking now it is a nightmare.  It is the old nursery rhyme that: Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall; All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty together again.

Oh, and I have a 9:00 appointment with my PCP, need stronger blood pressure meds or lose weight.  Hard to do on the low residue diet, but I can walk, so no excuse other than I am afraid I am going to hurt something that I need to keep control of.  Fear is a terrible thing.  I have never had this fear except the years I fought the cancer.  Billy was my nurse for so many years.  I know he faced my leaving first.  I figured I would also.  Grief equals fear.  

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Grief equals fear.  Truer words were never spoken.  I’ve never been so scared in this world about my health and mental changes.  Anything  out of the ordinary I question.  My body has so drastically changed since died.  Some would have happened anyway, but some are the result of it.  It’s just one big mess and he isn’t here to help.  Dealing with doctors and treatments are hard because there is no one to step in if I react badly.  The being alone itself is scary.  I’ve had panic attacks where I feel I am going to die.  When he was here I knew that wasn’t true, but alone I do get caught in that thinking.  

I also hate the days I throw up my hands and just say - take me!  I’m done with this madness.  Or go to bed hoping I don’t wake up to do another day of trying to balance rational and irrational thinking.  I have counselors, but they aren’t here at night or when something throws me for a loop.  I don’t know  how Steve would have gotten through his cancer alone.  I’m thinking not very well as I saw the times he was crushed knowing his time was coming. But he wasn’t alone.  Sometimes I get angry about that.  It’s my turn for some help and he’s gone.  

I see stories on the news about people hit wit( struggles.  I think of that saying....this is what life dealt me.  But I also see they have lots of support and are not dealing with the loss of being loved by that one person that makes all the difference in the world.  I admire them and envy they have such reason to fight and adjust.

No one said life was fair.  I’ve never believed that more than now.

 

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She only gave me 30 Xanax for night time.  Guess I might switch to Dramamine for nighttime.  She gave me two refills but controlled substances need two month renewals.  At least in LA.  I won't go back to AR to get my refills,  I will make do.  They don't do any  good if I take too many anyhow.  But, she understands, I do need them forever however, long that is.  She agrees.  I'm okay.  

Gwen, I am sorry you are having such a hard time.  We sure do not have heaven on earth here and we don't live happily ever after either.

My son lost one of his friends today.  That is two in about a weeks time.  One was cancer, the other was liver failure.  Had had hep-C like our son and his other friends had at one time.  Our son underwent a year's treatment and it was tough.  Like the getting off drugs, he kept to himself, had his own bathroom and toughed it out.  We both fought for our son twice in those nearly 20 years we were gone from LA.  I'm glad I had Billy then.  It was a rough time.  He came through okay though and now has to be checked regularly for liver cancer but does not live in fear.  That's my job.  

No answers, no solutions, no quotes, nothing of substance cause nothing really helps.  My heart is with you  

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People really don't get it, that being alone is such a big deal.  It is.  It's not that I haven't learned to live alone, but it involves so much more than that.  Last night after dinner my throat started feeling sore, so I looked at it, and I have red dots in it.  ???  Now I have to drive myself 1 1/4 hours away IF I can get in or go to Urgent Care which takes all day.  If my husband were here, he would drive me.  Not knowing what is wrong, I don't know what symptom will display next.  Fever?  Tiredness?  Going that far away and driving yourself is scary.  But not knowing if I'm contagious, I'm hesitant to call someone.  That's what husbands and wives are for.

Nope, people don't get it.

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On 2/7/2017 at 10:38 PM, martha jane said:

I finally went to buy groceries. It was that or eat cat food.  It was upsetting because I saw all the things he liked to eat. He liked raisin bread but wouldn't buy it he said it cost too much. So when I started having to go by myself I would buy it for him. I would buy things for him that he liked to eat, I didn't care how much it cost. When I would bring them in he would be sitting on the couch waiting for me to get home. He would offer to help put them away, but I knew he couldn't stand long enough.  Today, I stopped at the door to the den and looked at the couch. It was empty. No shoes in the floor, no foot rest raised up to prop his feet on. It was so lonely. It was dark and rainy outside which didn't help.I was driving a loaner car until they repair the automatic part of the sunroof. When I got to the car, I couldn't figure out how to open the trunk. I had to call my daughter in Montgomery because it was the same as the one she drives.She laughed at me but my food was getting wet.

I went to the rehab place( oh how I hate that place) to sign for my husbands records. They are charging me for them.  Then today I got a letter saying I had to have proof that i was executor of the estate. I said what is that. I'm his wife and I have a death certificate. She said that won't do. I said do you know how hard this is? and started crying. The hospital didn't require anything but the certificate.  I said what is it anyway? She said I could get it at the probate office. I  called the probate office and they said they didn't do them I would have to get a lawyer. A LAWYER? I am so mad, I don't think they want me to have them because they let him fall out of the bed. That is exactly why I want them to see what the report of him falling says.  So I am wondering how much I will have to pay a lawyer to draw me up the paper I need. I don't even know a lawyer.  I am so tired of having to deal with people making sure everything is right. I have already made two trips down there and I told her that. But she still has to have that paper.  I just want my husband back. They don't understand. 

I am sorry you have to go through this.  I am not a lawyer. Did your husband have a will?  Are you listed as an executor of his will? If you are, bring a copy of the will to the rehab place.  If not go to your city probate office and file to be the executor of his estate. (Each state has steps on how to do it.  Do an internet search for your state on how to probate his will.  It is a tough time to deal with all of this paperwork.  DO you have someone to help you like a friend, pastor, etc...? 

You are in shock and numb from all of this.  This is a safe and warm place for people to come and share whatever is on your heart.  This place has helped me tremendously when my wife died.  Please come and share what you want.  We empathize with you as we have gone through and truly understand this side of grief that most people do not comprehend.  You are in the right place.  Welcome - George - Shalom

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I have done things I used to do for myself, but putting a Band-Aid on a cut finger was one thing Billy did.  Hooking up all computer equipment was another.  I can pay $25 and my Suddenlink company will come hook things up.  But putting on that Band-Aid yesterday, with my trembling fingers that drop things, that was difficult.  I did it though.  It wasn't pretty.  I somehow managed to get the pad part on the cut.  When I was surviving the cancer, having the neck surgery, and other things wrong, I usually went to the doctor by myself yet I remember Billy wanting me with him when he went.  To that part, I am self-sufficient in going to the doctor by myself.  Does not bring back memories.  Grocery shopping, I always deposited him in the toy section (fishing-sports) and went about my shopping.  Unlike a wandering kid, he would always be where I left him.  I avoid the sporting section of Walmart.  In fact, that has helped me more than anything, avoiding the things we did together.  Some things I cannot avoid.  I still cry.  

Gwen, first off, I want to praise you for volunteering all these years.  I know you have lost very many patients, close friends you have made.  This is one of the most selfless gift back to mankind that anyone can do.  Your volunteering has to be appreciated and if it is not, then you write a letter to the parent company of the ones who are now administering care to these patients.  You are a very important part of any organization and one they should appreciate more than the ones that are working for a salary.  I am very sorry you are treated wrongly.  Surely there is someone that heads up this volunteer program you can talk to.  I worried about you because you said you had no close friends when your friendship is shared by many for 24 years.  I can brag about friends that are here for me, but your friends are legion compared to mine.  Woman, you are very important to an organization that does not have anyone as important as you are.  I mentioned volunteering to my mom once and she said "without pay!!!!!!!!?"  she was loathe to do  that.  I applaud you.  You are a very important person.  

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Gwen, maybe I should delete some of the messages.  I know how to send them, don't know how to delete them.  I have not tampered with it.......unknowingly.  I'm bad about messing with Netflix and do not  know what I am doing and I won't try to use Hulu.  Brianna knows how to do all that stuff.  I record stuff I don't want and finally just have to get out of the whole shebang because I'm blindly messing things up.  

ADDENDUM:  Okay, it was 100% full and it took some examining to discover that.  I am so computer challenged.  I deleted things.  I have room in it now.

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