How to help a grieving pet?

[LostInGrief]

I recently lost my mom 4 months ago. One of my dogs, Shiloh, a rescue hound mix has really been troubled because of this. She had seen her body the day of. In all our panic when I was on the phone with 911, she came in while she was on the ground during CPR. She had her tail wagging, and was interested in what was going on and looked at me. Playtime right now? She looked at my mom and instantly her whole body language and face expression changed. Her tail drooped, her eyes became sad and hurt. I've never seen her so heartbroken. It's an expression that has stayed with me. I gently led her out of the room and she followed me to the kennel. She understood the whole situation, from what I could tell. The paramedics, she did not bark or try to bother them when I took her out for a potty break. My other dog has no understanding really of what has been going on. 

She was depressed at first, not eating her favorite treats, eating but un-enthusiastically, not as excited to she her favorite people. She was always largely treat motivated. After about a week of that, that seemed to get better. At some point she started having nightmares. This is fairly frequent.

After about a month or two after mom, my dad rearranged the bedroom. Suddenly in the middle of the night she would go and pee in there. We never had that issue before. She was pee pad trained at first, so we always have pee pads in the bathroom. She ALWAYS peed on the pee pads in the bathroom if she needed to go. If her favorite pee pad was used, she would go on the floor in the bathroom. Never on the carpets except maybe once or twice when she was much younger. She would normally wake one of us up if she needed to go desperately in the night. Instead she was peeing in the middle of the floor. My dad caught her, because we had multiple pets and wasn't sure which one had done it. We were almost positive it wasn't her though, because how good she was with the pee pads, and she loves using any excuse to go outside and get a treat. We had to use all kinds of stuff on the carpets, take her out in the middle of the night, keep my dad's door shut in the middle of the night, and re-do "umbilical cord training" and kenneling at night to reteach her. That all stopped her and haven't had that issue since. Other rooms in the house have been rearranged since and before and she did not respond that way so I'm sure it was the stress of losing mom.  

The nightmares are still happening. I wake her up when she has one and love on her because I can't stand to hear her cry and use her scared/fear whines. She had nightmares before but not as often. I feel like she's dreaming about mom or the day of. 

Mom was the one who adopted her with my dad, but she became primarily my dog because I trained her, took care of her daily needs, and she warmed up to me the most. Shiloh has always been an anxious dog, we had always thought maybe she had been abused or something similar like this happened to her. She's very stubborn and in some ways has become more loving, in others more stubborn. She seems to act out a lot more with barking at the children from the fence (the backyard neighbors have a daycare). One corner of the fence is wood. Just the standard chain link. The kids wander over if the care takers aren't paying attention (or even if they are), and she jumps on the fence and barks. She has a large scary bark, and is large enough she can stand on the fence (and hop it if she wants), but so far has never hopped that corner of the fence. I don't think she'll hurt the kids but it sure freaks them (and me) out.

Shiloh misses her a lot, my mom didn't leave the house much so I think she got used to her always being here. Thankfully, there is almost always someone home still. I think she is struggling with it all and I don't know how else to help her? I grieve with her every now and then by having a picture of her and crying with it and talking to her. I think it helps, because when my family grieves around me it helps me. Or am I just stressing her out more by doing so? I feel like you would include a human or a child in the grieving and animals are very similar in most emotional aspects. Any tips to help her out from anyone who has had a grieving pet? 

[kayc]

When my husband died, my whippet, Lucky, grieved.  I was so steeped in grief myself that I didn't realize what was going on with her at first, my daughter had to point it out to me.  Once I understood that, I just gave her extra love and attention and held her more, etc.  Your dog sounds extra sensitive, I think I'd try not to add to her anxiety by crying around her, I know sometimes it can't be helped, but it could cause her more emotional response.  You might talk to a vet about how this is affecting her and get some ideas from them.

I'm sorry for the loss of your mom. 

[MartyT]

Dear one, you might find this post helpful: 

 

[LostInGrief]

She has always been very sensitive. It is strange she has always been very emotionally withdrawn and for a long time could not tolerate being petted on, or loved on. It took her well over a year to bond enough where she tolerated it, and even longer to warm up to where sometimes she will look for affectionate. It could be. I have only done it a few times, but I feared she was upset with the changing of dad's room, and that we had forgotten mom or were "moving on". So including her in that seemed to help that. But it might be too much for her. Or she might be reflecting my grief. I love on her, give her routine, spoil her, lots of treats and pets when she comes and sits next to me on the couch, outside time, get her things like freeze dried turkey necks and antlers (she will swallow bone pieces and gets very aggressive and possessive over her bone, so no bones), give her toys, and all her favorite things. I just wonder if there's more I can do to help her. No real cure for it, but I don't want her to have anymore nightmares. She doesn't seem as randomly anxious anymore. Maybe I am overthinking her nightmares, my dad doesn't see it much, but I have always been closer to Shiloh and I do know the feeling so I just kinda know. For the kids I might try and put a wooden board at the fence, so out of sight, out of mind. At the very least she won't be able to get so close to the kids, which might ease my mind and the people over there as well. For the most part she is still her stubborn self. She does sleep a lot, like before, and they aren't all nightmares, but it happens much more than before. Maybe I can play her some nice music and let her sleep in my bed while I work in here. 

MartyT, yes thank you very much! I was typing this reply before you posted, but very very helpful and informative. I might be able to give her an article of clothing to sleep with, and that might help her more so knowing we haven't forgotten and miss her very much. Rather than the grieving with her. Awesome suggestions and glad I'm not the only one trying to figure out how to help my fuzzy four legged friend. There are many articles on helping children, tweens and everything in between, but very few on how we should help our pets heal and process it all. Thank you, I am glad to know there is more I can do to help her. 

[LostInGrief]

Update : 

Shiloh has been resting all day in my room with soft music, a comfy spot, and a candle. She seems to be doing okay today, no nightmares yet. 

The candle and music has been relaxing me too. Might be calm owner, calm dog

Fixed the part of the fence, and I believe the children were antagonizing her by calling her over, throwing sticks, etc, because I heard the little ones talk about that when I was fixing the fence.

Gave both my dogs a one-on-one talk and brought out an article of mom's clothing. They didn't quite understand at first, but I think having some of her clothing out made Shiloh feel at ease. I let Shiloh sniff it and then put it around her like a security blanket, and did the same with the small one. After our talk I let them play outside. Hopefully, this will help Shiloh and after a nightmare I can wake her up and wrap her in it to make her feel safe.

I think she will be okay. It will take love, time, patience and understanding, but we'll get there..

[kayc]

You are such a good mom, I'm glad they have you.

[LostInGrief]

Thank you so much!  I am much more glad to have them. They mean everything to me <3