AB3 Posted February 6, 2017 Report Share Posted February 6, 2017 Besides being on here I just feel like the odd one out. I don't even feel a part of the world anymore...is that weird? I've been pretty isolated lately I just don't want to be around people it just feels weird to be outside and in social situations. I was never really social before, in fact I always preferred to keep to myself but my fiance was the opposite...he thrived in social situations and really brought me out of my shell. He made me feel comfortable being a part of this world and I now I just feel like a ghost (does that make sense??) I'm just trying to make it one moment at a time but honestly (I hope I don't offend anyone for saying this) I really just don't want to be here in this world, I feel like I'm forcing myself to live..... Sorry if I offended anyone with my brutal honest..... 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted February 6, 2017 Report Share Posted February 6, 2017 AB your brutal honesty certainly didn't offend me. I have been there myself, even recently i'm sure you will remember. Many others here also have i'm sure. I will admit to being concerned about you, but definitely not offended. Was i wrong to detect a sense of humor escaping from you in one of your earlier posts, when you mentioned being jealous of the spirits being with your fiance now? If so, then that certainly shows an improvement. Just the fact that you would even consider attempting something humorous show that you are on firmer ground than you maybe even realize. At least, that's this layman's opinion. All those thoughts you have (what's the point now-oh, the futility of it all, etc.) is all part of this journey we have been forced to take. None of us asked for it. W dern sure don't want it. I would amputate both of my arms and legs with a plastic picnic knife to have my wife back. But it ain't gonna happen. I have to wait my turn to go to her. She isn't coming back to me. This journey isn't fun, but somehow it does beat the alternative (suicide). Hang in there AB. You'll make it. You just have to continue putting... One foot in front of the other... Darrel Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AB3 Posted February 6, 2017 Author Report Share Posted February 6, 2017 Thank you Darrel you're always so supportive and know just the thing to say to make me not feel as crazy as I feel. Unfortunately there was no sense of humor in that statement just more brutal honesty.....wishing I was one of those spirits that get to be around my love. It's hard being here when I feel like I don't have any reason to be here other than my mother....she's the only reason....I have nothing else. But I'll continue putting one foot in front of the other...... 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted February 6, 2017 Report Share Posted February 6, 2017 14 minutes ago, AB3 said: Thank you Darrel you're always so supportive and know just the thing to say to make me not feel as crazy as I feel. Unfortunately there was no sense of humor in that statement just more brutal honesty.....wishing I was one of those spirits that get to be around my love. It's hard being here when I feel like I don't have any reason to be here other than my mother....she's the only reason....I have nothing else. But I'll continue putting one foot in front of the other...... AB, I still remember the first time i was able to laugh at something after losing my wife. It was in sept of last year. I don't remember the details of what happened now that found my "funny bone", but it was during the presidental campaigning. Something was said by somebody that i thought was just absolutely lucicrous, and i had a good ole belly laugh over it. It was the first time i had laughed at all since my wife died. It was such a relief to have a positive reaction to something, even if it didn't last very long. I don't laugh or feel happiness very often, but it has happened a few times since then. If you haven't been there yet, you will. If you're like me, you won't be able to force it. It will happen when it happens. And don't be surprised if you feel guilty a little bit when you finally get that first burst of a happy feeling. I did. But then you will think about it and analyze it, and realize that you are entitled to and deserve that happy feeling. We all do. One foot in front of the other... Darrel Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AB3 Posted February 6, 2017 Author Report Share Posted February 6, 2017 Thank you Darrel. Oooh how I miss being happy and laughing. Im learning to accept that I will never be the person I use to be when my fiance was here....that person is far gone....I miss that person and her happy spirit....it'll be nice to feel even a bit of joy.... As you say....one foot in front of the other..... 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted February 6, 2017 Report Share Posted February 6, 2017 Odd one out? By all means no. I know you have read many of the posts here and sadly, you fit right in. As has been pointed out, you are still in the shock phase with the loss being so new. You are actually doing the opposite of how I was. My mind could not comprehend it at all and I was a steamroller getting things done. My days of severe depression kicked in about the 1st anniversary. Just shows how different we all are. That doesn't mean I didn't melt down many times in that year for I certainly did. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AB3 Posted February 7, 2017 Author Report Share Posted February 7, 2017 Gwenivere, you are right. We are all in the same boat just handle this grief journey differently 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted February 7, 2017 Report Share Posted February 7, 2017 AB3, You're not odd one out, if you read our posts from when our grief was very fresh, you'd be surprised...we've had more time to process their death and to work through our grief, that's all. None of us wanted to live in the beginning, but I'm glad I did because otherwise I would have missed so much. My daughter will be 35 and having her first baby, I can't wait to see her as a mother, she was made to be one...I would have missed that and the look on my son's face as he watches his daughter. I can't wait to see the look on his face when he holds his son for the first time! Even if one doesn't have kids or grandchildren, there is living to be done, friends to make...maybe none of you can see that now, but the future hasn't happened yet, that's why we have to hold out hope for the possibilities. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AB3 Posted February 7, 2017 Author Report Share Posted February 7, 2017 Kayc, I'm not in that hopeful stage yet but I do see that here I'm not the odd one out. I'm sure everyone here has experienced the feelings of not wanting to be here. I don't have much to look forward to but I'm trying to stick around. I remember I use to always tell my fiance he got a second chance at life for a reason (he had a heart transplant) but never could understand my own purpose. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr Lenera Posted February 16, 2017 Report Share Posted February 16, 2017 AB3 I felt a similar way....I first found this forum a few days after my Jo died and joined it in desperation but was of the mind that I didn't really want to be a member [no offence intended to anyone who reads this] so I thought that I would try not to come back here unless I feel I need to. Six months or so down the line I felt that I needed to come here, read, and even [amazingly] post, so that's what I did and it was theraputic to do so. I do sometimes feel like I'm in a bubble here, but that's no surprise as I sometimes feel like that anyway when I'm walking down the street or at a social gathering. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marie Lee Posted February 16, 2017 Report Share Posted February 16, 2017 AB...I hope you are finding you are lovely and worthy of high value and worth.... It is a tough world ..and made tougher for us all as we add to our journey this roller coaster ride of grief. Sending much love, Marie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted February 16, 2017 Report Share Posted February 16, 2017 14 hours ago, Dr Lenera said: I do sometimes feel like I'm in a bubble here, but that's no surprise as I sometimes feel like that anyway when I'm walking down the street or at a social gathering. You've expressed what I've felt. It's like we're different now, not the same, almost like we don't belong in this world anymore but I don't know if that's right either...just different. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marie Lee Posted February 16, 2017 Report Share Posted February 16, 2017 Well earlier I was trying very hard to be positive and productive ..I am failing miserably lol... another step backwards...Er, make that several steps lol...Marie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brad Posted February 16, 2017 Report Share Posted February 16, 2017 20 hours ago, Dr Lenera said: I do sometimes feel like I'm in a bubble here, but that's no surprise as I sometimes feel like that anyway when I'm walking down the street or at a social gathering. I still have that feeling that somehow I got stuck in a time warp and am living someone else's life. At times it still feels so impossible that this is my life and my future and no matter how aggressively I try to move forward I am still stuck being someplace I do not want to be; simply going through meanningless motions. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gin Posted February 16, 2017 Report Share Posted February 16, 2017 Brad, I feel that way a lot. I try so hard to do things and be positive, but to no avail. I still feel so empty and my life feels pointless. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brad Posted February 17, 2017 Report Share Posted February 17, 2017 Yep Gin - But as Darrel kept reminding us "One foot in front of the other". I'm no longer losing it every day and sometimes can go weeks without a tear but still prefer to be by myself although I know I need to get out more. I do make plans but they tend to be farther away from home. For example I'm going to a piano recital in Scottsdale this weekend and a musical in Phoenix next month. As far as doing things around town, not so much so. Will go out to dinner occasionally with neighbors. Maybe this summer I'll join a club or two. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kevin Posted February 17, 2017 Report Share Posted February 17, 2017 We are all on the right track once we recognized we have to get re-involved......not many people knock on the door for you to join an Organiztion...As long as we keep on trying this will get better.....Darts tonight... 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brad Posted February 17, 2017 Report Share Posted February 17, 2017 Kevin you are my hero. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cookie Posted February 17, 2017 Report Share Posted February 17, 2017 Gin: I also feel empty and pointless. But, I agree with Kevin and will keep going out and doing things. One thing I noticed is that going out and trying to get involved in things and meet people is so totally opposite to what I was doing before and that is what leaves me feeling out of step, irrelevant and like things are just not right. I realized that it would make sense to feel that way, as it's a 360 degree turn from what I was used to for 47 years. Hopefully, things will change. Boy, this is HARD. I go to yoga classes pretty regularly at the local recreation park where I used to do it at home by myself, which has led me to going to a yoga retreat. Also, I've been asking people to hike with me, which is hard but I'm trying anyway. Used to hike with John always. I also don't cry as much, like Brad was saying, but just recently I had two consecutive dreams with John in them briefly and that put me into a very weepy, sad state of mind for days. They are always remote dreams and I want him to hug me, hold me, let me know he's there....I hope that is his spirit letting me know he's there. Love to all of you....Cookie 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cookie Posted February 17, 2017 Report Share Posted February 17, 2017 On 02/06/2017 at 5:53 PM, Gwenivere said: Odd one out? By all means no. I know you have read many of the posts here and sadly, you fit right in. As has been pointed out, you are still in the shock phase with the loss being so new. You are actually doing the opposite of how I was. My mind could not comprehend it at all and I was a steamroller getting things done. My days of severe depression kicked in about the 1st anniversary. Just shows how different we all are. That doesn't mean I didn't melt down many times in that year for I certainly did. Gwenivere: I also have done the streamroller thing...and at 20 months am really feeling the sorrow hard. But, that is what everyone says you should do right? Keep busy...Cookie 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cookie Posted February 17, 2017 Report Share Posted February 17, 2017 23 hours ago, Marie Lee said: Well earlier I was trying very hard to be positive and productive ..I am failing miserably lol... another step backwards...Er, make that several steps lol...Marie Marie Lee: There is no failing at this....just getting through it. That is one of the beautiful things I have learned here in this group. Thanks for sharing and hugs to you....Cookie 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marie Lee Posted February 17, 2017 Report Share Posted February 17, 2017 Aww thanks Cookie...yesterday was a tough day...luckily I got out of the house and talked with a friend so that helped.. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted February 18, 2017 Report Share Posted February 18, 2017 Little by little I'm making friends, it's so slow, it takes much time and effort. When I was working full time I didn't have the time to put into it what it takes, but I'm out around people more now. I miss my friend that moved a few years ago, but I think her leaving has forced me to get out of myself more. It takes so long to develop... 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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