Grief after two years

[Mama's baby]

Dear all,

I'm new to the forum and I'm just very glad that I found this resource! My story is uncommon and common at the same time. I lost my mom to suicide two years ago, and before she took her life, I didn't see her for a year because we lived in different countries. Before she passed, she was already in a deep depression, and she was only prescribed with medications. She never did therapy, which I assume in a country that's still not aware of how important mental health is (like China), people are not comfortable with talking about their issues. My mom fought for nine strong months (she started her plan nine months before she took her life), but eventually she gave in. And during the entire time that my mom was depressed, my dad didn't tell me a whole lot about what was going on, and I only talked to my mom once a month because she just felt like an entirely different person and didn't feel like talking to me any more. When I knew about my mom's death, it was already too late.

Since then I developed very bad PTSD of constantly thinking that my life is in danger or on edge, because it just didn't make sense that my once happy, positive, and energetic mom can just take her life like that. There were lots and lots of warning signs, and my dad just didn't take them seriously... But anyways, I started taking a very low dosage anti-depressant for my anxiety/PTSD, and for the last two years I actively worked on my PTSD and it got to a point where things were very very stable and happy again.

Then one month ago my doctor and I both thought it was time to come off of the antidepressant. However, despite the moderate level of withdrawal symptoms (that I was able to push through), I realized that my grief has come back. In fact, it almost seems silly, but I was never able to grieve normally because of my PTSD. It was like, every time I thought about my mom's death in the past two years, it was just, blank. I felt disconnected from my mom, and for some reason I couldn't even remember all of the happy memories that I had with  my mom before she as depressed. But this past month after I got off of the antidepressant, I started feeling very connected with mom (with several mental closures to things), and that led me to a deep grief. Only two weeks ago did I first started to miss my mom like crazy, because my friends' moms were around and I was just so sad when I saw them. I don't have a mom any more! It's such a new AND old fact, which I'm still trying to get used to... But now whenever I hold my mom's fur vest (it was her favorite piece of clothes), I just cry and cry and I feel myself breaking, my body is shattered into pieces. I remember one night I was crying, and I just kept telling my mom, mom, my wings are broken, they are so broken, I can't fly any more... I'm so hurt...

The bad thing is, whenever I cry like that, my PTSD symptoms start to resurface and I find myself keep checking with myself, "am I okay? Am I in danger? Am I going to commit suicide?", because those were the original questions that bothered me at the beginning of this whole journey. But now I am definitely more equipped to recognize those symptoms and will allow myself to just focus on grief, rather than falling into fear again.

But I'm on this journey... what can I say? Life just takes us onto a rollercoaster ride and all I need to do is just ride along... But my heart is broken...  

[MartyT]

My dear, what you are experiencing sounds to me like a delayed grief reaction. Since you weren't able to confront your grief at the time you first learned of your mother's death, your grief didn't "go" anywhere ~ it simply sat there, unaddressed, until such time as you began to pay it the attention it demands and deserves. It's okay ~ It is never too late to do the work of mourning (to see what I mean by that, read Bereavement: Doing The Work of Grief. And you might also appreciate this young man's story: Voices of Experience: Delayed Grief). This also could be related to your coming off whatever antidepressant medication you've been on for the last two years, which may have triggered some sort of (temporary but real) biochemical imbalance in your brain. In any event, I think you'd be wise to report your symptoms to your physician, and also ask for a referral to a qualified grief counselor or therapist who can guide you through this journey you've just begun: mourning your mother's death by suicide. This is one of the most difficult kinds of loss to understand and to endure, but help is available (see Grief Support for Survivors of Suicide Loss). Grief work is some of the hardest work you'll ever do, and no one can do it for you ~ but that doesn't mean that you must do it all by yourself.  ♥

[Mama's baby]

Dear Marty,

Thank you so much for the responses. It does feel like grief, and every day after school ends, I just want to go home and cry, and let the sadness, the emptiness, the disappointment, the missing my mom part (that part is both so sad and so beautiful at the same time)... I would cry for hours, in the end not even knowing why i'm crying but I still want to cry. I have a grief therapist who specializes in suicide loss and she's been so wonderful for the past two years to help me working through ups and downs. 

I will continue posting and reading on this forum. It is comforting knowing that I'm not alone. It is comforting knowing that this is a journey that I'm on now, that God put me on this journey again to let me experience and learn what it's called life. I think whenever I say to myself, huh, so this is what it feels like to grieve, this is what it feels like to live this life, that's when I feel the most relieved...

I'm also in touch with a local organization that helps people with grief. I will see if I could get support from there as well. All in all, I want to work on this grief, because only that way that I can feel connected to my mom again. 

Love, Chen

[MartyT]

My dear Chen, I am relieved and so pleased to know that you are following this path that you're on. Good for you. I wish for you only the very best.  ♥