I'm Confused About This Group's Purpose I Think

[Guest]

I have got myself about 97% convinced that i came into this group expecting something much different than what i seem to be getting out of it. After reading this, i imagine that some if not all of you will consider me a crybaby, and say "good riddance". This group has been around a long time before i joined it, doing what it does and operating the way it does, and doing just fine without me. I understand that, and i will voluntarily state that it is me in the wrong. Not this group, or its members. 

The last several posts  of mine have gotten embarrassingly little response from the group. And again I take the blame for that. It's my fault, not yours, that i obviously write extremely boring posts. But one trend i am noticing is that someone will latch onto my post, and take it over. I do understand that I don't own any post. No rules have been broken. But i do find it rude and even hurtful that when a member submits a post hoping for some kind of helpful words from another member, and their thread is taken over by another member and, before you know it, the post turns into a conversation about which internet browser is the best. Or who uses which internet provider. Or something else mundane and totally irrelevant to the original subject of the thread. I expected to be able to be at a place where if i was willing to show compassion that i would be able to receive some semblance of compassion in return. It does appear that i was wrong to expect that.

I am close to having myself convinced that maybe the best thing for me is to just revert to the way my situation was before i stumbled upon this group. I got through my situation absolutely alone from 1/1/2016 until 12/24/2016. Since my posts seem to bore my fellow members here, and thus don't receive much in the way of responses I may as well revert to being alone, as i was prior to christmas eve when i found this discussion group. 

I harbor no ill will toward anyone. I wish nothing but the best for each and every member here. At the same time though, since the past several posts i have submitted got very little (none in a couple of cases) in the way of helpful replies I find this has become just one huge exercise in futility. And a hurtful one at that, after the post is only taken over by someone who changes the subject matter to a discussion about browser problems or internet problems, which gets 30-40 responses. If that is what everyone prefers to talk about wouldn't you exhibit a whole lot more sensitivity if you initiated your own post beginning with that mundane subject matter? I'm just thinking outloud now.

Darrel

 

[AB3]

Darrel, I do have to agree with you that many of the things that are posted on here either have unrelated replies, few replies, or none altogether. I'm so sorry, this is a very lonely and painful journey and we are all trying to find an outlet somewhere. When we share our stories and feelings on here we expect to feel supported as not everyone has a "support system" elsewhere. 

I do feel like we get off track on some of the post or avoid even replying to some post at all, not because the content is boring or we don't care about it but because sometimes we need an escape from the painful topics. Either way I still very much agree with you and can relate to how you are feeling.

I hope you'll still continue to post because it does not go unnoticed..... we have to have somewhere to just vent....let out our painful thoughts and feelings. It's too much to carry alone....

[Guest]

Thank you AB. I do sincerely appreciate your comments and your caring nature. I have tried to put myself in your shoes. I wear a size 12...i doubt that your shoes would fit me, but i have tried to think about how hard it would have been on me if i had lost my wife 41 years ago, at the beginning of our relationship. If it had happened that way I also would have been 27 yrs. old. Geez, am i really that old?? It has made me maybe a little understanding of what you are dealing with and going through. Your guy may be up there hanging out with the spirits now, but i'll bet you next month's income that you are what is on his mind. No matter what happens with me and my little world, I will pray that you arrive at the end of this journey that has been forced on you with no more battle scars. And always remember what you're supposed to do with your feet...

One foot in front of the other

Darrel

[AB3]

8 minutes ago, olemisfit said:

Thank you AB. I do sincerely appreciate your comments and your caring nature. I have tried to put myself in your shoes. I wear a size 12...i doubt that your shoes would fit me, but i have tried to think about how hard it would have been on me if i had lost my wife 41 years ago, at the beginning of our relationship. If it had happened that way I also would have been 27 yrs. old. Geez, am i really that old?? It has made me maybe a little understanding of what you are dealing with and going through. Your guy may be up there hanging out with the spirits now, but i'll bet you next month's income that you are what is on his mind. No matter what happens with me and my little world, I will pray that you arrive at the end of this journey that has been forced on you with no more battle scars. And always remember what you're supposed to do with your feet...

One foot in front of the other

Darrel

Aww thank you Darrel, your words are comforting especially the part about me being on his mind up there.....I sure do hope so! I've thought about how you must feel as well being with your wife for several decades. When you spend so much time with someone....that special someone it is only natural that you "merge" and become one.....so I know that like I you absolutely positively feel completely alone.....and what a horrible feeling that is. I pray that we all find some kind of peace.....somewhere.....somehow....until the day we are reunited with the ones who can only provide us "true" peace

I will continue trying to put one foot in front of the other And I hope you will as well......remember you are not alone.

[Guest]

I guess there is never a good time to lose a soul mate. At the beginning, in the middle, or after a long run together. It's going to hurt and it's gonna suck. My wife & i sacrificed wealth to be with each other as much as possible.  I watched my father ruin a perfectly good marriage, and i was determined to not make his mistakes. After i met my wife and fell so deeply in love with her there was nothing more important to me than being with her. And she was the same way. Just being apart from each other to go to work was enough to bring on a panic attack. And now, i'm as alone as i was before i met her. But what keeps me able to keep doing that thing with my feet is the sure and certain knowledge that she is up yonder patiently waiting for me. She is going to be young again, as healthy as  the proverbial horse, and looking at me with that happy cheshire cat grin on her gorgeous face as i walk toward her. And then she will throw her arms around me as far as her short little arms will allow, and then we will suck face. There is that afterlife. We will be together again. Forever this time!  It took me a year to get to where i could think about something pleasant like this. But i still backslide way too much. That's why i started my silly little chant. Just to help me keep my eyes on the ball.

One foot in front of the other...

Darrel

[DaveM]

Darrel,

I sort of post in fits. A bunch at one time, then days of just reading. I simply don't have the energy sometimes to respond, but I visit every day. Your posts are well thought-out, and capture what many or most of us feel. That being said, I am the world's worse at chasing "squirrel!" Not just here, but in other places I post. It is certainly not a shortcoming in the writing, but more a short in my own circuits.

I had about 9 months with my love 33 years ago, then 7 1/2 months this time around, and now she's gone. I am lost. I cannot focus long on anything. But maybe I can focus on one thing... placing 'One foot in front of the other....'

Stick around, brother, you make a difference.

[AB3]

You are absolutely right, it doesn't matter how long the relationship losing a soulmate is painful. Like you and your wife, my fiance and I were pretty much inseparable. We lived together our entire relationship up until a few months before he passed away and that was so incredibly hard. I hated not being able to be next to him but "circumstances" forced us into separate households.....a few days before he passed we were talking about how much we wanted to just be together again and I was working hard, saving what we needed to do so. You are so lucky to have had your wife besides you for so many years I only wish I had gotten that chance to get us back together. But I admire your positivity and patience to be back in your wife's arms.....that is an amazing time to look forward too.

[iPraiseHim]

3 hours ago, olemisfit said:

I have got myself about 97% convinced that i came into this group expecting something much different than what i seem to be getting out of it. After reading this, i imagine that some if not all of you will consider me a crybaby, and say "good riddance". This group has been around a long time before i joined it, doing what it does and operating the way it does, and doing just fine without me. I understand that, and i will voluntarily state that it is me in the wrong. Not this group, or its members. 

The last several posts  of mine have gotten embarrassingly little response from the group. And again I take the blame for that. It's my fault, not yours, that i obviously write extremely boring posts. But one trend i am noticing is that someone will latch onto my post, and take it over. I do understand that I don't own any post. No rules have been broken. But i do find it rude and even hurtful that when a member submits a post hoping for some kind of helpful words from another member, and their thread is taken over by another member and, before you know it, the post turns into a conversation about which internet browser is the best. Or who uses which internet provider. Or something else mundane and totally irrelevant to the original subject of the thread. I expected to be able to be at a place where if i was willing to show compassion that i would be able to receive some semblance of compassion in return. It does appear that i was wrong to expect that.

I am close to having myself convinced that maybe the best thing for me is to just revert to the way my situation was before i stumbled upon this group. I got through my situation absolutely alone from 1/1/2016 until 12/24/2016. Since my posts seem to bore my fellow members here, and thus don't receive much in the way of responses I may as well revert to being alone, as i was prior to christmas eve when i found this discussion group. 

I harbor no ill will toward anyone. I wish nothing but the best for each and every member here. At the same time though, since the past several posts i have submitted got very little (none in a couple of cases) in the way of helpful replies I find this has become just one huge exercise in futility. And a hurtful one at that, after the post is only taken over by someone who changes the subject matter to a discussion about browser problems or internet problems, which gets 30-40 responses. If that is what everyone prefers to talk about wouldn't you exhibit a whole lot more sensitivity if you initiated your own post beginning with that mundane subject matter? I'm just thinking outloud now.

Darrel

 

This is my first post I have read today so I have not seen yet what you are talking about. Sometimes I come and just read what others have posted and other times I will make a comment if I can be helpful, encouraging, or a grief memory is triggered. 

For some people they either don't know or feel comfortable starting a new post. for others, like myself, I will post on my thread I started as a sort of timeline of my grief journey.  People will comment, sometimes get sidetracked, and go off on tangents because it is what they need to express.  I feel if people are posting/sharing then at least they are trying to participate and share something of themselves. 

You are right no one owns and controls these posts.  I have seen a few people get bent out of shape and I sense that it is more about their perception of how something "should" happen.  I find my expectations seem to set myself up for disappointment.

I read the posts and take what I like and leave the rest.  There is so much rejection in the world especially towards GRIEF  that I allow much more tolerance and leeway to what people say and their actions.  If I disagree with something said then I just let it go. Nobody agrees about everything. 

DARREL, I appreciate and look forward to your posts because we are all fellow grievers trying to find our path through this grief jungle.  It would be sad for us if you decide to leave but you do have the freedom to if you want.  I do hope you decide to stay to contribute to the male perspective on grief.  - Shalom, George 

[Gwenivere]

Darrel, one thing I have learned is to not take things personally because every one here is in pain.   Some have better days than others and can jump in with support immediately.   Some have a hard time even reading the pain and have nothing to give at that time.  I've posted and gotten the range from a lot to very little reply.  I write it for myself and the gems are finding someone else has something to give back.  I know people read the posts and it may feel we are being ignored, but I know that is not the case knowing so many of the wonderfully caring souls here.   The fact that they can support others amid thier grief is truly amazing.

As for going off topic, that is the nature of combining many people and how conversations run.  One user said they were trying to reply and ran into technical problems.  That led others to say they had too.  It wasn't to ignore you, it's just how conversations flow.  Some start new topics with every new thought and some go to older topics that have titles that reflect where they feel thier post will fit.  

I know it wasn't your intention to make anyone feel bad, but we do have to accept that in grief people are getting by the best they can just as we are.  I've seen many replies to your posts that show people care.  Some may type the words, some may be sitting nodding in agreement.  Our grief should not increased or diminished by the tally of replies.  That is why I find it safe here.  I can say anything and at least get some of the weight of my broken heart.  Just to know I can share it with others than in a personal journal no one will see helps.  I doubt there has been one post written that was not read by someone who understands firsthand.

[Brad]

Darrel-

Something else to consider is that we are all at different stages in our grief and we all don't grieve the same. Last summer I was feeling somewhat as you are now. I was trying to find anything to be grateful for; I was trying to find positives in my daily life because the pain of grief was so all-encompassing. When I posted that here I felt attacked by some members. In response I withdrew. 

When people post sometimes I feel like they are putting my emotions into prose. Other times I struggle to relate at all. Some times I HAVE to respond; other times I simply can't find words. 

Regarding hijacking a post - it happens. It's not intentional and not intended to hurt it just happens. Sometimes writing the mundane gives us a respite from the focus on what is. 

[kevin]

Darrell, purpose of the Grief Healing discussion is too share via discussion......not too insightful is this drop of wisdom is it?......everything is read by most of us..(we recall when we were there,  or say this is still to come).....Very seldom do we debate, but always share similar situations ,commend on successes, even share remedies to ailments.....and unanimously, we lent support to each other. Leaving this group may impair your Journey, stick around, it will help...good luck Kevin 

[Guest]

I've read everyone's comments this morning. The majority opinion seems to be that i'm the one in the wrong here. That does seem to make my decision for me. I will continue my efforts at keeping one foot in front of the other, but not here unfortunately. Despite this, is pray for nothing but good things for EVERYONE here.

one foot in front of the other, on down this road...

Darrel

[kayc]

18 hours ago, olemisfit said:

But one trend i am noticing is that someone will latch onto my post, and take it over.

That's commonly known as "hijacking a thread" and it's usually considered rude behavior in forums.  I'm sorry if I'm guilty of doing that to you or anyone, if I have it's unintentional, please forgive me.  We are a talkative bunch and tend to get sidetracked easily.  I've found that a forum takes on a different feel based upon who it is comprised of, in other words, this forum feels different than it did five years ago, because there are different personalities here.  I have come to love all of them, back then and now, and appreciate what each one brings to the table.

I'm sorry you are hurting...

[MartyT]

18 hours ago, olemisfit said:

Since my posts seem to bore my fellow members here, and thus don't receive much in the way of responses I may as well revert to being alone, as i was prior to christmas eve when i found this discussion group. 

Darrel, my dear, a quick look at your activity on our site indicates that since your arrival here, you have started some 38 different topics which have generated around 329 replies. Without doing a complete analysis of the contents, that alone calls into question your conclusion that your posts are boring and not generating much in the way of responses. Monitoring this site as I do, and reading everything that is ever posted in every thread in every forum, it seems to me that in whatever responses you have received, you've been met with nothing but kindness, compassion, and understanding, and nothing but appreciation for the support you've given to others. It saddens me to think that you feel abused and neglected. Still, as I've told you before, your first obligation is to take good care of yourself, and if that means you feel that you must leave us, so be it. Just know that if you change your mind, you are always, always most welcome to stay. We're not going anywhere, and we will still be here if and when you decide to return.  ♥

[Margm]

37 minutes ago, MartyT said:

. We're not going anywhere, and we will still be here if and when you decide to return.  ♥

Darrel, I have become aggravated, really aggravated, one time.  It was when one person messaged me with anger for "liking" what someone had said that the person thought I was "not on her side."  I did not realize we had "sides."  The reason my "going through hell" post has so many pages to it is because when I want to say one of my "word salads" I go to that post.  It is not "my" post, and lots of times we answer and go off in a completely different direction.

Our minds, I don't have to explain our "minds."  I really believe we are all in the same place with our "minds."  My granddaughter and I watch a lot of TV.  I will see a character I want to "Google."  The distance between the couch and my computer is about two steps.  By the time I get to my screen I have forgot what I am looking for.  That tickles my granddaughter and she plays games with me.  She will give me the initials of the person I want to google.  She makes me think and sometimes I hate thinking.  But, you are finding our minds go "splat" all over the place.  We don't own posts, but sometimes I will just use that "if your going through hell" post as a catch all.  

I'm sorry if we get off track.  I do know one thing though............I know you understand "getting off track" as part of this grief process.  I was going to quit one time also.  We are all human, we all hurt, and not everybody has my fault of "word salads" or "run on fingers" but I learn a lot from them and having you on this forum helps us also, just as keeping on reading, not leaving, helps all of us.  Sit down and stay awhile.  We miss anyone that leaves.  We all hurt.

[Guest]

Did anyone besides me ever watch the old Happy Days tv series? If any did, try to think back and remember how hard it was for Fonzie to get the word "wrong" out of his mouth when he had been accused of being wrong about something. Maybe there is some of that going on here.  I understand that i am the only one at fault here, where it be about this complaint or anything else. I am not Fonzie. I don't think that admitting that i'm not perfect makes me less of a person. So i apologize to EVERYONE here polluting this group with my presence. I obviously had some wrong expectations. 

This is not a game where i expect or even want anyone to takes sides. Having said that, it does seem to appear from those that have replied to this that there doesn't seem to be much of a feeling "out there" that my complaint is valid. So, since i'm wrong and the world is right, the only thing left for me to do is to put one foot in front of the other and take my whiney butt on down the road.

Darrel

[Margm]

18 minutes ago, olemisfit said:

. I don't think that admitting that i'm not perfect makes me less of a person. So i apologize to EVERYONE here polluting this group with my presence. I obviously had some wrong expectations. 

Oh Darrel, your just having a bad day so far.  Go read my posts (if you want to die of boredom), and I whine and cry all the time.  You don't owe any apology to anyone, nor do any of us.  We are who we are.  The poem by John Donne comes to mind if you were to leave us.

 No man is an island,
Entire of itself.
Each is a piece of the continent,
A part of the main.
If a clod be washed away by the sea,
Europe is the less.
As well as if a promontory were.
As well as if a manor of thine own
Or of thine friend's were.
Each man's death diminishes me,
For I am involved in mankind.
Therefore, send not to know
For whom the bell tolls,
It tolls for thee.

We are none of us islands.  Neither should you be.  What you say has meaning.  You have meaning.

 

[kayc]

I know one thing, when we're grieving we can be on edge and it makes for being thin skinned, and I think that goes for pretty much anyone in grief, the earlier on esp. when you haven't dealt with it fully.  We have to cut each other some slack, esp. since it's not about one person, but all of us.  Darrel, I'm not sure if you read my post or not but I don't know what more to say, you seem to have your mind made up.  As Marty said, you're welcome back any time.  

8 hours ago, Marg M said:

So i apologize to EVERYONE here polluting this group with my presence.

Darrel, your sarcasm is coming from a place of hurt.  I've apologized, not much more I can do.

[Margm]

But I am not apologizing for anything ya'll.  I think the only thing I do to offend is write diatribes and family histories, but I think you all forgive me and mark it off to my being a good ole southern redneck.  One thing about it, you can always skip over things.  I have got to where I repeat myself.  My grandmother did that as she got older and her two daughters would say "Mama, you just said that."  Never bothered my grandmother, she'd say it again 15 seconds later.  I think I have hit that stage too.  

Anyhow, I'm not apologizing for anything even though it looks like I am.  Honestly, I have become a nice old lady, I just wish Billy was around to see that.  I think he knew.

(I think we had that talk from Marty awhile back that none of this is "our" personal page, that we are allowed to go off on a tangent anywhere and all you have to do is put a blank piece of paper in front of me, where ever I am, and I'm gone.  We are not known for good manners all the time.  

 

[kayc]

I just hate that someone feels hurt by us.

[Margm]

Ohhhhh, blank sheet of paper.  Kay, honestly, why would we get our feelings hurt?  There are plenty of people to go around to answer questions.  I am kinda like that cow that straddles the fence on everything.  I have read most of these posts and I know sometimes we get so far down in the dumps we cannot be pulled out, but the next day, maybe we can put that one foot in front of the other.  We have so much stuff to think about, give us a foothold and we will pull ourselves out.  All of us.  ALL OF US. 

[kevin]

Good Morning and it is a new day without Snow.....that is three in a row...Great Moon last night. Going to embarrass myself at a Darts tournament today...I'm a novice thrower, good fun unless you play with really good players......I remember the Happy Days episode that Darrell referred to......

[Margm]

I remember Happy Days.  I remember all the characters.  I don't remember episodes.  I have seen other shows though where saying they were wrong is something hard for people.  I always hated for Billy to be wrong about anything because it made him so disgruntled to be wrong.  It never made me feel good for him to be wrong.  Like asking directions, that man would not ask.  (He did let me ask).  We traveled with maps, not GPS.  He would tickle me, he would say "I am not lost, I just don't know where I am at this point in time."  

And as for weather, we have had record highs.  I notice the next few days will be cold, although still not to freezing.  I think a few days we were in the 80s.  Global warming?  I don't know, I think Florida's temperatures have shifted over to Louisiana.

[kayc]

I loved Fonzie's "I'm wrrrrrr--rrr--rrr--onng!!

[kevin]

Marg, I'm only assuming your Golf course is Open year round....?.......Must be nice...Does your grass grow that much in the winter?