How can I be okay with mom's suicide?

[Mama's baby]

I'm having a panic attack... I don't know what to say...

As I mentioned earlier, two days ago I felt this enormous pain that my mom was going through about sleeplessness, and I just felt her saying to me, "I am so sorry, I am so sorry, just forgive me, just forgive me..." I was really scared to death, first feeling all that pain, and second feeling about my mom. After that "encounter" with my mom, I started to think that it was actually okay for my mom to commit suicide. Because I really experienced her pain, and I just felt like it was okay. 

But how can I say that?! For the entire two years after my mom was gone, I was never, NEVER okay with her suicide. I tried so many times to feel okay about it, but I was never never okay until two days ago after that experience. Now that I actually feel okay, I feel like I'm going insane. How can I allow that to be okay? How can I allow myself to be okay with my mom's suicide? If I feel okay with it, does that mean that I'm okay with suicide in general? Does that mean that suicide is just a "normal death"? 

I am so confused by how I feel. On one hand, I tried so hard in the past two years to get here. On the other hand, after finally feeling "okay" about it, I feel crazy. I feel insane. I feel that I should not be okay with it. It is such a difficult difficult place that I'm in...

Please please help me! Has anyone had that experience?

Chen

[kayc]

17 hours ago, Mama's baby said:

After that "encounter" with my mom, I started to think that it was actually okay for my mom to commit suicide. Because I really experienced her pain, and I just felt like it was okay. 

But how can I say that?! For the entire two years after my mom was gone, I was never, NEVER okay with her suicide.

It's alright to feel okay about it, to be coveted actually.  You have been grieving but our grief does not stay the same, it evolves as we go through our grief journey.  You have been learning and growing through this even when not aware of anything but the pain.  You have felt your mom's pain and you've understood her, so that is how you can accept it.  People have their humanity, and your mom, for whatever reason, didn't feel she could bear any more.  At the time she wasn't thinking about the pain it'd cause you, she was overwhelmed with her own pain.  It sounds like she has now considered your pain and is sorry her actions caused you pain.  You might want to tell her it's okay, you forgive her.

(((hugs)))

[MartyT]

It seems to me that it's not so much that you're "okay" with your mother's suicide so much as you've come to a better understanding of the pain your mother was in, and therefore a better understanding of why she felt so desperate that she felt the only way out was to take her own life. Understanding another person's actions and having compassion for her pain is not the same as condoning those actions, and it's certainly not the same as "being okay" with your mother's suicide.  ♥

[kayc]

I didn't mean to imply it was condoning but more like she was reaching the acceptance stage.

[MartyT]

I think you and I are saying the same thing, Kay 

[sunstreet]

Dear Chen

I am so very sorry that your Mother chose suicide.  My wife, one brother, one sister all chose suicide. It is such a difficult thing for us who are left behind.  They are no longer in their emotional pain but we are thrown into a torrent of emotional pain.  It is just so unfair! 

What I hear you saying is that you have reached more clarity and understanding of why your Mother chose suicide.  I see you being able to empathize about your Mothers pain.  Those are not saying that you are okay with her choice to end her life.  You may never be okay with that and that is okay.  And even if you did reach a place were you felt okay about her choice that would be alright.  There are no right and wrongs in how you feel.

What I have come to learn in my journey of healing is that suicide is not about anyone but the person themself who chooses that.  They are not thinking at all about how this will effect anyone left behind, in fact I believe that for them in that moment, that is the only way they see to end their pain. 

Know that it is not your fault.  And I encourage you to reach out here as is such a safe and supportive place.  Reach out to a close friend, a support group for those who are bereaved by suicide, a teacher, anyone that feels safe and right for you; but reach out!  To sit in silence only magnifies the pain and the burden feels heavier.

Blessings, Carol Ann