Gin Posted February 12, 2017 Report Share Posted February 12, 2017 This last week, things seem to be getting worse. I seem to be crying a lot more again. Do not know why, except the most important person in my life is gone. But, that has been true for over 16 months. No special anniversary on the horizon. I am trying to keep busy, but it is not helping. Feels like I am taking steps backward. Too many. I am taking exercise classes, attending a book club. All seems meaningless. The highlight of my day today is going to the drug store to buy some sympathy cards. Can hardly wait. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marie Lee Posted February 12, 2017 Report Share Posted February 12, 2017 Oh Gin, Oh how much I get what you are saying...some days just suck....Prayers for peace and love sending your way, Marie 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brad Posted February 12, 2017 Report Share Posted February 12, 2017 Gin - That is one of the things I hate about what we are going through. Some days are okay. I am able to stay distracted for the most part and when I'm not I'm feeling like I'm starting to accept what is going on. Yesterday I was making arrangements for upcoming travels. I have to admit I was getting excited looking at my plans, I was very distracted. Today I continued to work on bookings but today I'm just down. I don't know why. Maybe it's related to sleep although I thought I slept better than the night before. I just know that it is cloudy both outside and in. Just gray. Tomorrow I may be better or not. It's consistancy that I wish for; among many other things like finding joy again. Hugs my friend. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gin Posted February 12, 2017 Author Report Share Posted February 12, 2017 Marie...thanks. This is so hard for us all. Brad...yes, the inconsistency is so hard to deal with. You start to feel that you are starting to accept this lonely, new life, when POW. Down you go. It seems like no matter what you do, it doesn't matter. Our loved one's absence is so overwhelming. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mittam99 Posted February 13, 2017 Report Share Posted February 13, 2017 Gin, I'm less than a month away from the two year anniversary of Tammy's death. And the tears are flowing hard and often. I honestly haven't been doing all that well since December. Yet, I push on. Sometimes, I wonder why, but I do want to live. It's so hard knowing that the rest of my life won't include Tammy by my side. It's now a life of memories. A life without real happiness. A life without intimacy. I miss my Tammy so much. My heart is forever broken. This life alone is all about coping. Some days you can cope and some days you just can't cope well at all. All part of the ebb and flow of grief. I think we all are pretty much just "existing", not living life with any measure of zest. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gin Posted February 13, 2017 Author Report Share Posted February 13, 2017 Mitch, How true. This life is not a pleasant one at all. I keep busy, but then when there is a pause, all I think about is Al. Friends and family really do not understand at all. I went out for dinner with friends Friday and all I thought about was that Al was not there. It used to be 6 of us and now there is only 5. It seems like ZEST is gone, gone, gone. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KarenK Posted February 13, 2017 Report Share Posted February 13, 2017 For me, the loneliness just seems to go on and on. It is crushing to realize that I do not matter to anyone anymore. I try to keep up the facade that I am tough.....that I don't care, but sometimes that facade just slips a little. I have spent quite a while going from church to church for a few weeks at a time trying to find a place where I would fit in, a place to make a friend or friends, a place where my presence or lack of it would matter to someone. So far that place doesn't exist. It is hard going to the social functions alone and if I don't show up, no one calls and says "We missed you. Are you okay?" I still feel like an outsider looking in. Just feeling sorry for myself I guess. Still don't like living under this rock alone. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted February 13, 2017 Report Share Posted February 13, 2017 Karen, I could have writtten a mirror post. THE very hardest is not we don't matter to someone anymore. On the flip side there is no one that matters to us. I was talking with an acquaintance today and was quite emotional (my shields are down from being ill) and she commented while she has not experienced this particular loss, she would handle it differently. There are differences because of personalities and marriages, but it felt quite invalidating. I looked her in the face and asked, do you think I am making this up? Maybe she would be 'better' at this as she is the most organized and busiest person I know. She won't make a move til she has everything mapped out. I can only hope that map would work for her in a situation like this, but I doubt it. This isn't a financial or work decision. Yes, losing someone that notices you were late, happy, sad or smile to see you walk in the door I don't know if I will ever get used to. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gin Posted February 13, 2017 Author Report Share Posted February 13, 2017 Karen, The loneliness is terrible. I tried going to a senior group at a church, but could not find parking. The therapist said I should make some friends. Way easier said than done. Gwen...yes, it is so hard when you do not seem to matter. I think I really need a dog. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kevin Posted February 13, 2017 Report Share Posted February 13, 2017 Gin, exercise classes and book club is great....What we are all doing and saying is we need to fill in our time. Hopefully we meet different people and gain some traction ....Gwen and Brad paraphrased it well with "coming home" to empty house, and "we don't matter to someone"....I think its great to have this group that is all stumbling over the same stuff. I was approached to join a men's club at our local Church today....My plan is to accept, spread my wings a bit...... 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gin Posted February 13, 2017 Author Report Share Posted February 13, 2017 Kevin, great that you are connecting with your church. I went to my church for around 43 years. Knew a lot of people and was involved in a lot of groups...Sunday school, bible school, bible study, choir. The area has changed and the church has very few members anymore. Al and I held communion glasses, were involved in homeless shelter, were greeters. There are only about 30 people there and I know maybe 5-6. No groups. I am sure the church will close soon for lack of money. I have to find another, but oh so hard to do. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted February 13, 2017 Report Share Posted February 13, 2017 Got to give it up to all of you for trying to help yourselves during this time. We do what we can and we do what we have to do. And, if you think there is no one to care for you, just count the pictures on this forum. We love you all. And, what would I have done, what would any of us have done without all of you. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KarenK Posted February 13, 2017 Report Share Posted February 13, 2017 Well said, Marg. I love all of you also. All of you matter to me. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted February 13, 2017 Report Share Posted February 13, 2017 19 hours ago, Gin said: This last week, things seem to be getting worse. I seem to be crying a lot more again. Do not know why, except the most important person in my life is gone. Maybe you're just sick of it? 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted February 13, 2017 Report Share Posted February 13, 2017 34 minutes ago, kayc said: Maybe you're just sick of it? Truer words were never spoken. We are all so sick of "it" and "it" is something most of us have never had to put up with before. Grief is a full time job and I am so glad I am retired from my transcription job. Would it give me something else to think about? I think it would be more of an aggravation and something more to pay taxes on. So dear Kay, you are so right, we are all sick of "it." 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gin Posted February 13, 2017 Author Report Share Posted February 13, 2017 Even tho we are all "sick" of it, I do not think there is any medicine we can take to help. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scba Posted February 14, 2017 Report Share Posted February 14, 2017 11 hours ago, kayc said: Maybe you're just sick of it? YES! I'M TOO SICK OF IT! 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marie Lee Posted February 15, 2017 Report Share Posted February 15, 2017 Medicine to help would be the bomb Gin....lol Yes, I am SICK of it.... and I love you all...that is so very true...one of the reasons I keep coming back to this forum is because of you ALL... The one corner of my world where everyone Gets IT. with love to all, Marie 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr Lenera Posted February 16, 2017 Report Share Posted February 16, 2017 It's only been 8 months for me but I've realised that there's no logic whatsoever to when you feel awful and when you feel 'not too bad'. Certain days I think I'll be terrible and I'm not that bad, more likely it just creeps up me unexpectedly on a random day and I just don't know what on earth to do with myself! 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted February 16, 2017 Report Share Posted February 16, 2017 That is kind of the way of it. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marie Lee Posted February 16, 2017 Report Share Posted February 16, 2017 Today just feels like the blues are never going to go away and this aching hollow in my heart.... not so positive or sunny today....Marie 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted February 16, 2017 Report Share Posted February 16, 2017 Well Marie, my daughter's Penske moving truck was stuck in Dallas for three hours or more waiting for a tire to be changed. I have been crying all morning. She made it to Arkansas City, Kansas, a place she has never lived. I do not know if I am crying because Billy is not here worrying with me or if I'm crying because my kids will always worry me, and I want to keep them always worrying me, I don't want to lose either one. But this move was so senseless, she knows no one, she just up and moves ever so often. That is one reason my granddaughter stays with me, to be in one place awhile. But the tears, not real common to this degree, they just won't stop. She is safe, so maybe they are tears of relief.................I don't know anything. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted February 16, 2017 Report Share Posted February 16, 2017 I'm so sorry, Marg ~ but I do understand your worry. No matter how old our kids may be, or how much they've declared their independence from us, we mothers never stop worrying about them and the choices they make ~ especially when their choices go against our own better judgment. So go ahead and cry. You're a mother, and that's what mothers do. You're also a pretty terrific grandmother, so find a way to celebrate that today. Hugs to you, my dear ♥ 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted February 16, 2017 Report Share Posted February 16, 2017 Thank you Marty. I know you remember that old saying about "point your finger at her and she will cry," well I am at the finger pointing phase. I know she is safe, so that is part of it, relief. But she is still in a strange place. This is not the "Wizard of Oz" and she is not going to find the Emerald City. Although, maybe she will. Maybe she will finally find what she is looking for, but at least she left her biggest problem behind her. Maybe after nearly 10 years she can find relief. She is a nurse who has not renewed her license for years, but is signed up for a phlebotomy course and will possibly get off disability. So maybe this is "Oz." Her's anyhow. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marie Lee Posted February 16, 2017 Report Share Posted February 16, 2017 Hugs Marg..all I can manage today..glad she is safe. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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