It's been a year now

[Clematis]

12 hours ago, iPraiseHim said:

Happy Birthday, Laura.  I see changes in my father this last year. His personality is softening and he wants us to come around and visit more.  It is odd yet welcome to visit and be able to take care of him and give him company as he seems more lonely since the shingles outbreak just before Christmas.  I remember your stories of your Dad and want to cherish these times rather than some of the harsher stark times when I was a young child.  - Shalom

Thanks! My dad softened and relaxed toward the end of his life and I was able to have the relationship with him that I had always wanted. He was also great when my sisters and I were little. I work as a school psychologist and test kids to see if they qualify for special education. Bu the time they are tested kids have failed so much they generally feel rather demoralized. I talk to kids about strengths and weaknesses and their eyes glaze over. So I tell them a story about my dad. I am uncoordinated and have never been good at sports - especially team sports involving teams, balls, and other stuff. When I was in the sixth grade I was miserable due to failure, rejection, and teasing in school related to softball. My dad spent several weeks with me in the back yard with a Wiffle ball and bat on the weekends and when he got home from work. He would toss me the ball and coach me on hitting it with the bat. I ask the kids what they think. "Do you think I got any better at hitting the ball?" A small nod yes. "Do you think I ever made the softball team?" Always a big smile and maybe a laugh, with a definite head shake no. That's right! I've come to believe this is the true model of special education. With extra help you get to be ok in the area of your deficits, but you should plan on something else for your career. It's one of my favorite stories about what I learned from him, but he taught me tons of things - how to polish my shoes, fix a flat on my bike, ride that bike, fix the car, intimidate the boys, succeed in school, build a career, write a paragraph-and an essay, and his most frequent advice, "You've got to look out for number one - because a lot of the time no one else will."

Another favorite - but less useful story is this other from the sixth grade. We were going to have a frog jumping contest in school and I was sad that I couldn't participate because well, how does one even get a frog? No problem for my dad! He said he'd show me and the afternoon before the contest he walked me down to the creek, coffee can in hand. To my astonishment he found and caught a frog. I kept it in the can over night and returned it to its home after school the next day. My frog was not a big jumper but I was so proud to have been able to show up with a real live frog!

When I was born, one of my great aunts took one look at me and said, "Well, you'll never be able to deny this one, Charles!" I turned out to be a lot like him - and not just in appearance. He was a great role model - especially for me, because I have had a career. He had better luck during his career, but like him I am very smart and have worked very hard, and I have come out ok. I could not have supported a family of five on my income, but I haven't had to.

There were a lot of not-so-good things in between the frog & Wiffle ball days and his elderly years, but since we worked through them when he was alive, it was easy to coax him out here and have ten years of a good relationship with him. I grieve the loss of the father and friend I loved, and don't think about the other stuff. I had him when I really needed him and he had me when he really needed me. 

[MartyT]

Wonderful memories, Laura. Thank you for sharing! 

[Clematis]

Yeah...he was great. He taught me how to play the ukulele, to paddle a canoe, and how to catch and clean a fish, including that important detail that no one else wants to clean fish you catch unless they are in the business of being paid to clean fish that others catch. I opted to paddle my little sister around in the canoe while she fished, stash the canoe gear afterwards, and then show up for fish dinner! 

One of the things I shared with my dad was a willingness to work relentlessly for what I wanted. He was not much of a communicator for much of my life, but he made comments showing anger and hurt at my moving out west. I was trying to get away from the crazy atmosphere my mother created all around her, but he insisted that I had been trying to get away from him. I suppose he got over that idea when I coaxed him out west after my mother died. 

So here I am, out here alone now, trying to make sense of my family and ancestral heritage while feeling cut adrift from all of it by my father's death. And my sisters...it seems like the more time goes by the more it looks like not only did we not lose the same father, but we weren't even in the same family. It is not as if they are close to each other even though they see each other. Each is close to their children and the kids are all close because they grew up together. When my dad moved out west he told my sisters - and also me - that they each had their own families (their kids), but since I was alone he was going to move to AZ to be family to me. And he did.

But now he's dead and I feel as estranged from everyone else as I ever did. My mother worked hard to drive a wedge between everyone else and pit everyone else against each other. I though all that twisted divisiveness would end with my mother's death 12 years ago but it didn't. I keep trying to change her legacy, but it seems that since I am the only one that is really trying it only means that I am responsible for any failure. But perhaps it is not as bad as I think. My sisters do both seem to be trying to put forth more of an effort to be nice to me, and that is something.

[kayc]

Sometimes the best family we can create around us are the friends we have in our lives.  My parents are gone, my husband is gone, I love my sisters but they live their own lives across the state, my children have grown up and started their own families and I don't see them much anymore, but the ones in my everyday life are my friends and especially, my dog and even my very grumpy cat. ♥

[Clematis]

I haven't heard much from my dad lately and have wondered if I have been too busy to hear him, if he thought I was too busy and didn't need him, or what. But yesterday I got a phone call confirming some work - the same gig I had before working out on the reservation like I was doing before I was in the car accident. I have let my car repairs drift a bit due to the lack of income and suddenly had the idea maybe I should replace my very balding front tires before doing those long drives again.

I pulled over into the drive of a big church to use my phone to call the tire place and the place where I happened to park - to be out of the way - was in front of the All Souls Cemetery. I have still not taken my dad's ashes to Pennsylvania to put in the grave with my mother's remains because my sisters were not speaking to me last summer and I figured I would wait a year. So I was sitting in front of this cemetery entrance and suddenly heard him say, "No! Don't put me in there!" I told him not to worry - that I was thinking about replacing the front tires. He said, "Oh - that's a good idea" and seemed relieved.

It seemed like so typical thing for him to worry about something like that. When he first moved to AZ, he worried that I would get married and move away and leave him alone. He realized that was absurd before long, and then worried that I was going to stuff him in a nursing home. I kept telling him no, no no, and finally told him the truth - that I was afraid I was being selfish in wanting to keep him to myself, and that if he really wanted to go live somewhere else I would support that, but I really really wanted him where he was - where I could get in my car and be at his house in a minute and a half.

I sure wish he was still a minute and a half away. Sometimes he seems closer because he is really always with me, but it really is not the same and never will me. Sometimes I really wonder what is wrong with me that I miss him so much. I have gotten busy doing things I enjoy, but most of the things that interest me the most are things that are somehow connected to him. I still struggle with a meaninglessness and crushing emptiness that returns whenever I am not engaged in something pressing. I think it's probably permanent.

[MartyT]

♥

[enna]

Thinking of you today, Laura, as you remember your dad.  

[Clematis]

1 hour ago, enna said:

Thinking of you today, Laura, as you remember your dad.  

Thanks, Anne. I am confused. Sometimes I feel like I am doing ok and then I feel like I am back to things I have moved beyond, like second guessing what I did around the time of my dad's death and that kind of thing. He was in rehab 1-1/2 hours from home & I had spent his last afternoon/evening with him. I had my hand on the doorknob getting back home when they called me to tell me they had taken him to the ER. I had a bunch of phone calls with them as he seemed to be improving and they moved him to a floor. They never told me that he never spoke another word after I left him. I could have driven back, over a mountain pass, late at night and been there for him at the end. Lena woke me up when he died and I saw the message on my phone that I had slept through. I could have rushed back over there, when they first called me or when I learned he had died, and I probably would have survived the drive. But he was talking to me, telling me that he wasn't there any more (with his body). So, I took my time, ate breakfast and then drove over, calling the funeral home, my sisters, and so on as I drove over the mountain. I never saw his body; maybe I should have. The funeral home director picked him up, cremated him according to his wishes, and stayed in touch with me.

My dad and everyone else imaginable has told me that I didn't do anything wrong. I didn't say goodbye to him at the end, but the truth is I said goodbye to him for ten years in different ways, telling him I loved him and would support his decisions to live and die the way he wanted, no matter what. I really don't have anything to regret; there is nothing I would do differently if I were to do it again. But he is still dead and there is no changing that. The hole I feel with his absence is still there. It still seems bizarre that my possessions and his are intermingled in a house that looks more like his than mine, and yet I am here and he is here in spirit only.

What comes next? Where is this path going? I have heard it said that relationships don't end because a person dies - they change. Perhaps that is what this is. I don't feel the same as I did. I don't have as much joy as I did, but my energy and drive have returned, even though it is much less clear what motivates me. Sometimes it really feels like it is him, as if he were a part of me. I have lived my life with a lot of anxiety and dread, trying to control things to avoid a calamity. Some of the calamities happened anyway, and my dad helped me through them. Now it is more like I have an awareness that I need to take steps to avoid problems, like replacing my tires, losing some weight, and making sure the doors are secure so the cat doesn't get out. But I am no longer terrified that if I screw up I might destroy my life and/or die. That probably seems like a good thing, but I am not sure that it is really me. I am not sure who I am or where I am going anymore. I have his tools and in some things am following in his footsteps, but still feel like I don't have a rudder.

This last week I played two 3-hour gigs, put my artwork in two different shows, and had five paintings accepted for an online arts journal, which involved writing a bio and an artist statement. I also landed a professional gig, which may well lead to continued work next school year. This week, Spring Break, I will be creating an outdoor work of art on a sign, commissioned by the local greenhouse,  a business and group of people I have loved for years. This is great but it all seems empty. What does this mean?

[Clematis]

On 2/28/2017 at 7:53 AM, kayc said:

Sometimes the best family we can create around us are the friends we have in our lives.  My parents are gone, my husband is gone, I love my sisters but they live their own lives across the state, my children have grown up and started their own families and I don't see them much anymore, but the ones in my everyday life are my friends and especially, my dog and even my very grumpy cat. ♥

 

Does this leave you feeling like you are drifting around without a rudder?

[MartyT]

Laura, my dear, you may find this piece (including the articles listed at the base) helpful: Transition After Loss: Tips for Navigating The Neutral Zone   ♥

[enna]

Laura,

 I knew that I had lost what I was before Jim died and remembered reading the link Marty sent above. It took me a while to find a new purpose in my life and to accept how things are today. 

Maybe this is where you are since the loss of your dad. You are finding a different purpose to your life and I believe your dad is with you and maybe even directing you. Your art and your gift of playing your cello give you purpose. I believe we all need to have a purpose in our lives. Who you used to be before your dad died has changed. You are still you but you have a different drive. I am so glad you are focusing on your art. You are so talented. Perhaps this is just a more focused you. You asked what all this means ~ I think it means that you are transitioning into the same person you always have been only now your path is clearer. And I’m sure your sweet Lena will continue to lead you in the direction of caring for those in need by visiting with those who are not able to get out and about.

Get new tires. I think it’s a message from your dad. He is always with you and would want you to be safe. Anyway, that is what I believe.

ps ~ I'm still reading links Marty has suggested for all of us. I have learned from reading about all these life changes. The picture reminded me that our loved ones are always with us.

Hugs,

Anne

[kayc]

No, I don't feel I'm drifting around without a rudder...but then I've had nearly twelve years to adjust and build my life, it didn't happen overnight.

[Clematis]

20 hours ago, MartyT said:

Laura, my dear, you may find this piece (including the articles listed at the base) helpful: Transition After Loss: Tips for Navigating The Neutral Zone   ♥

The Neutral Zone...that sounds like it. I have been doing some of those things with not much comprehension for why it was the thing to do. I suppose much of the world has little comprehension of the extent of grief, even mental health professionals. I knew losing him would be hard, but I had no idea how difficult the loss and transition would be. And there has been so much else going on, like the car accident, having to deal with his house and possessions, working, and trying to keep things going with my art and music...

[Clematis]

5 hours ago, kayc said:

No, I don't feel I'm drifting around without a rudder...but then I've had nearly twelve years to adjust and build my life, it didn't happen overnight.

I guess I'm not really drifting around without a rudder, but I am not really sure who I am anymore...

[kayc]

I think we lose part of our identity when we lose them because so much of who we thought we were was wrapped up in them.  It's something we have to build on.

[Clematis]

19 hours ago, enna said:

You asked what all this means ~ I think it means that you are transitioning into the same person you always have been only now your path is clearer. And I’m sure your sweet Lena will continue to lead you in the direction of caring for those in need by visiting with those who are not able to get out and about.

Get new tires. I think it’s a message from your dad. He is always with you and would want you to be safe. Anyway, that is what I believe.

Thanks, Anne - I loved your message and read it over and over. I loved the illustrated poem as well. It is wonderful to feel everyone's support. I did buy the tires - right after my little chat with my dad in front of the cemetery. I do feel him with me and it seems sometimes like he is guiding me. I felt so linked to him when I was young, and that bond is still there. He was my hero when I was young...at the end of his life he was my hero and my best friend. I feel him with me almost all the time and still he seems so far away. It is really hard to get my mind around it all. Good thing I have Lena - amazing that a small pussycat could be such a help and such an enormous presence in my life.

[enna]

  I agree with what you say, Laura. I believe that your dad is and always will be with you. It is a little strange because we have to experience them differently now but they are as real to us today as they were when they were physically present in our lives. 

I am so glad you got the tires for the car. Good for you. Now if you take a trip down to where I live I won't have to worry about you. 

I believe Lena will keep you grounded. She is such a perfect soul ~ in my eyes.  I'm glad you like the poem.  It is a favorite of mine. It's on my Pinterest site.

ps ~ don't do too much thinking about your dad being so far away ~ he is right in your heart. Anyway, that's what I think. ?  

[Clematis]

24 minutes ago, kayc said:

I think we lose part of our identity when we lose them because so much of who we thought we were was wrapped up in them.  It's something we have to build on.

I had no idea how much I had wrapped up in him. I was just thinking about my dad and the boy scouts. He was very proud of being in the scouts when he was young, and I think a large part of his compass came from the scouts. I remember him giving me advice and telling me that "It all goes back to those things they teach you in the scouts..." I was in the girl scouts of course, and not the boy scouts, and they have a similar law that is shorter and broader but less concrete. I like the way the boy scout law is spelled out.

I wish I had a poster of it - there must be one... I don't think he needed it - I think it was engraved on his psyche somehow, but it might help me. I found a piece online ("The Meaning of the Scout Law") that had a sentence/paragraph about each of the 12 scout laws and it is so much him; I think it was his ideal and endeavor from very young to the end and beyond. I'm not sure how well I am doing at it, but I think it became my creed as well. 

Well, speaking of being trustworthy, I'd better get out the door and get to where I promised to be this morning.

Laura

[MartyT]

The Scout Oath or Promise

On my honor
I will do my best
To do my duty to God
     and my country and
To obey the Scout law;
To help other people
     at all times,
To keep myself physically 
     strong,
Mentally awake, and
     morally straight.
 

The Scout Law

A Scout Is:
Trustworthy
Loyal
Helpful
Friendly
Courteous
Kind
Obedient
Cheerful
Thrifty
Brave
Clean
Reverent

The Scout Motto: Be Prepared
 

The Scout Slogan: Do a Good Turn Daily

[Source: My sons' Scout Handbook, Eighth Edition, Fourth Printing, July 1976 ~ still living in my library ]

[Clematis]

Lena is sick! Hopefully it is nothing serious - like she has been swallowing too much fur since it's warmed up... I am taking her to the vet this afternoon. She is lethargic and eating very little, and she is a cat who eats any kind of cat food as if it were the last food on earth. 

[MartyT]

Oh no, Laura! Please give us an update as soon as you have one ~ Otherwise we will worry about our Lena!  ♥

[Clematis]

Thank you, Marty, Lena seems to be doing better. She was very ill-tempered at the vet's office (acted like a normal cat and not Lena). The vet didn't know what was wrong with her but gave her a shot of Cerenia that was to help her stomach, and it seems to have helped her to work things out.  She is wanting to eat now and seems more like herself. The vet said to give her kitten food for her upset stomach, and she has also had some of her very favorite food, freeze-dried chicken. She is still a little lethargic, but I think she is ok.

[kayc]

I'm sorry Lena has not been feeling well.  I think there's something you can give them for the fur balls, my daughter used to give it to her cat, but I'm unable to get a hold of her to find out what.

[Clematis]

It's Petromalt, or some knockoff, which is basically vaseline with a malt or fish flavor. You put it on their paw and they lick it off because they don't want the nasty stuff on their paw. Some people just use the vaseline because it's cheaper and works the same, maybe even better because it's gooier. The Petromalt is stiffer and some kitties figure out how to roll it up in a ball with their tongue and flick it off their paw instead of swallowing it. You eventually find it on the wall or something. I've used it on cats before with good success, but not with Lena...somehow smearing a petroleum derivative into the fur of this precious fur ball doesn't sit well with me. But maybe I should do it anyway or brush her more in the spring/summer in spite of her objections. She is secretive about her grooming; I never see her bathing except a few quick licks after the litterbox or a meal. But her coat is amazingly smooth and shiny all the time; she has to work on it to have such perfect fur...

Anyway, she is much better - last night and continuing into today. =^. .^=

 

[Clematis]

My close friend Susan, a physician, is concerned that Lena may have pancreatitis, which is rather common in cats. Susan knows a lot about pancreatitis in humans and animals, and as Lena's "godmother" knows her history and really loves her. I'm not sure that Lena's vet is concerned about that, but we didn't actually talk about it. The assistant took the history and I was rather distracted by the time we saw the vet because Lena was so uncharacteristically distressed, hissing and growling/moaning.

I am still worried about Lena. She is eating but is lethargic and has not pooped since some diarrhea 31 hours ago. I guess I'll call the vet in the morning if nothing shows up in the litter box overnight. She is drinking and peeing...