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It's been a year now


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Laura, my dear, saying goodbye to your father's house represents for you yet another major loss. Your dad's condo has been an important connecting link between the two of you, so it isn't any wonder that you are feeling the sting of this "letting go" so acutely. I encourage you to think of a way that you can say a sort of "official" goodbye to your father's house, perhaps in the form of a private ritual of your own design. With your artistic and creative mind I'm sure you could think of something unique and meaningful. See, for example, Saying Goodbye to a Home and Grieving Places Past ~ and know that we are thinking of you.  

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Well, it's a done deal...the house is empty and no longer belongs to me or my dad. It belongs to my friend Greg's uncle, and that's good. But no longer mine...

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Thanks, Marty. I have no idea what to do. I think maybe it's just what it is. I have been saying goodbye to his house for 17 months, during most of which I was also worried that I wouldn't have enough time to get his things - and mine - out in any organized way, or that it would be such an upheaval to get things out in a rush that it would cause some other disaster. But as it turned out, I had almost three weeks to finish moving out after the school year ended, and had the luxury of letting things stay more or less as they were and really focus on doing a good job on my contract work with the school district to improve my chance of getting a real job there for next year.

I still have plenty to do. All of his things are out of his house, but my house and garage are stuffed and there is also a ton of stuff in a storage unit and some in my neighbor's garage to pick through and resolve in some way so that by next school year my house is more of a functional dwelling without boxes and bags of stuff everywhere. I am in hopes that it will be easier to sort through those boxes of papers, photos, mementos, etc. - now that they are in a more neutral territory. It was hard to get rid of things from my dad's house, but I am hoping that in the context of massive clutter in my house it will be easier to figure out what should go.

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At least you're going through his things...my brother didn't give us any notice, just went over to my mom's on a day we were snowed in and the roads weren't plowed, and got rid of everything, taking what he wanted, disposing of the rest.  We got nothing to remember her by.  Nothing.  I know you haven't had any help from your sisters, but we would have gladly helped my brother, had we been consulted.  You will have some time this summer when you can hopefully pare it down a bit, thoughtfully, methodically.

As for today, I know it's emotional, it's tough.  My heart goes out to you.

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1 hour ago, kayc said:

As for today, I know it's emotional, it's tough.  My heart goes out to you.

Thanks Kay. Tis true...I have carefully gone through everything. My sister (the younger one who primarily sees dollar signs-or the lack thereof) was astonished that I was still going through things. But I have found treasures along the way. Some of them are worth money, some are precious and sentimental, and others are puzzles and make me wonder about why he had this or that, whose they were originally, and so on. Some of these questions I have found answers to, and others will probably stay mysteries. I have also found answers to things I never understood because he wouldn't talk about them when he was alive. I realize now that he had struggles I was unaware of or that he totally denied. I continue to find  deeper understanding and meaning in his life and in the relationships of my family and ancestors as I have sifter through things. 

My sisters did not want to help, but I think part of the reason for that is that they really didn't want any of his stuff - other than some item or another that had particular value. My family - but particularly my mother's side, had sufficient income to acquire and hang onto a lot of nice things. There were also several generations who seemed to never throw anything away. So, even when things were divided between several children, there were still plenty to go around. My sisters had a fair share of family treasures and mementos. My dad said when he moved out west - from a big house to a small condo - that my two sisters had probably 3/4 of the family stuff. He commented that my 1/4 was probably the best part because it was what he hand-picked to bring with him, but I would have to wait. My sisters also were given tons of stuff over the decades before because they were close by and I was across the country. So, I don't feel like they were cheated out of anything.

I have had about four nights of barely sleeping and feeling exhausted from it. I figure that is somehow related to the house closing... 

My dad's gorgeous rosebush had one remaining bloom on it and I thought yesterday that I would cut it off and take it home with me. But as I reached up with the loppers, the petals fell off in a shower around me...

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Laura, you wouldn't be the type to cheat anyone out of anything anyway.  :wub:

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40 minutes ago, kayc said:

Laura, you wouldn't be the type to cheat anyone out of anything anyway.  :wub:

No...not cheating anyone, although it would have been very easy, and not even cheating really. At the end of his life - during the last year - he said over and over that he had changed his mind and was going to give me everything. Every time I would say, "No you're not". I was afraid that he would do this and my sisters would never speak to me again. Eventually I realized that he was very unlikely to do anything like that without my help because at that point he forgot appointments, forgot to even make appointments, and just forgot to do a lot of things if he wasn't reminded - a lot. In order for him to leave me everything, I would have had to remind him repeatedly and probably had to drive him there as well. And I was right - left to his own devices, he left things as they were.

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It's been a week since my interview. Is that an inordinately long amount of time? The Special Ed director, who ultimately makes the decision works in two districts, the one where I am applying Mondays, Thursdays, and Fridays; and another district on Tuesdays and Wednesdays. I know he is also hiring a bunch of Special Ed teachers and that takes priority over the school psych. That could take awhile...or maybe I'm just dreaming and this really is taking much longer than it would if they wanted me. Maybe this means that they offered it to someone else and are waiting for a reply, while keeping me on the string in case the first choice says no. Or maybe they're just busy and a week is not really all that long...

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I think you're overthinking it.  Sometimes when they have a lot of responsibilities they're juggling, it can take a while.  After all, he just has to get someone hired before the start of the school year, so his priority is of a different timeline than yours.  They'd have had you clean out your stuff and turn in your keys if they knew you weren't coming back.

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It is so hard to not obsessively worry about my job. Or at least I think it's my job. It seems like so long since they interviewed me - nine days and no word. Of course four of those nine days were weekend days, one was an interview day when they were interviewing a bunch of people, and two of them the primary guy making the decision was at his other district. That only leaves three days. That is probably not really that much time, but I have no idea what is reasonable. I keep imagining them calling me to tell me that they offered it to someone else, who spent some time considering the offer before finally accepting it.

Meanwhile I am trying not to panic, sorting through my dad's stuff that came from his house, continuing his projects, and making clocks. I have also been going through some of his  watches. Some of them I remember so clearly on his wrist...others are old pocket watches that probably belonged to his dad or even granddad, but no longer run. I have gradually been taking them to the neighborhood watch/clockmaker and having him tell me about them and testing them with new batteries. I miss him so much, every day in many ways. Right now it would be really nice to have the safety net he provided, even though I am likely to be ok even if I don't get this job. I feel and him around me, encouraging me about the job, little comments about the clocks and watches...I guess I have to wait and not lose my cool...

Meanwhile I'll post pictures of some of my clocks...

IMG_3389.m4v

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This is a little tiny clock...it was a Barbie clock that I found in a thrift store for 69cents. I photoshopped a picture of Lena onto a pink Hibiscus and had it printed. Then I took the clock apart, pulled off the hands, punched a hole in the photo, put the hands back on and put the face back on. The other is made from a cat card I found at a thrift store and the butterfly is a pin that I found at another thrift store.

The gold clock in the first video is made from an 8x8" photo album I found at a thrift store. I pulled out the pages, drilled a hole in the front, added some brass screws and washers for spacing, and stuck a clock mechanism in the middle. The black and green one is made from a paper mache craft box with a cat cutout I made from a mattboard scrap. I glued it all together, painted it out with house paint samples, and such a clock mechanism inside the box and hands on the face.

IMG_3415.thumb.jpg.8d7b7138388b88fe6281fdbbb0e15766.jpg

IMG_3418.m4v

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5 minutes ago, MartyT said:

What you manage to do in your spare time is astounding to me, Laura. Now we learn that you're also a clock maker?! Amazing! 

Thanks, Marty! This is an entirely new thing, inspired by the clocks and watches I have found in my father's house and garage, having belonged to my father, his father, and my mother's father Jack. I think I inherited the "clock bug". I had no idea there was such a thing, but apparently there is, like train guys. My clock bug just woke up. I think my dad and my grandfathers would be pleased. Or that they are pleased. Anyway, my house has an increasing amount of  tick-tocking, bong bong bonging, swinging pendulums and swishing second hands. It's kind of soothing...

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On 6/10/2017 at 6:02 AM, kayc said:

I think you're overthinking it.  Sometimes when they have a lot of responsibilities they're juggling, it can take a while.  After all, he just has to get someone hired before the start of the school year, so his priority is of a different timeline than yours.  They'd have had you clean out your stuff and turn in your keys if they knew you weren't coming back.

Thanks, Kay. I think you're right. I also have all of my "working files" from the students I evaluated - my own notes and copies of things that are in the files at the D.O. This is rather significant; the materials are confidential and should either be filed in a locked cabinet in a locked room in the psych's office at the district, or shredded because I am not coming back. They are in limbo cluttering up my little condo because I am in limbo. But they know I have all that stuff. I guess I have to keep it together and wait.

One of the women from the SpEd office gave me an enormous clock that had been discarded into her garage. It came with her house and was not something that she ever picked out. It runs great with a new battery, and I plan to paint a pink Hibiscus bloom to go on the clock face and to put some fabric behind the open parts that goes with the clock painting. It's really big - about 28" square. I think it will be really beautiful all flowered up. I have to cut a special piece of paper to get the right size, and am waiting for it to get warm enough to open up the bloom I intend to paint. I was just out watching it open as I stood there. That's good. It will keep my mind off the internal whirring for awhile...

593d6bfd5bd9f_Handesoldclock.thumb.jpg.de1caf8c08df389a5b8a7001f20f50f2.jpg

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That is beautiful!  Is it metal?  It looks heavy!  You'll have to post a picture when you're done.

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I still don't know anything about the job. But Monday I had a call from a woman about a great opportunity in Flagstaff for contract work; we have been communicating since April and she is very interested in hiring me for contract work, because of my dual credentials and length and breadth of experience in both. I told her that I am hoping to hear very soon about the job in Cottonwood, and she said she would wait for me. Then I called the Cottonwood school district and relayed this to them - that I would much much rather have the position in Cottonwood than contract in Flagstaff, but I don't want to pass up the work in Flagstaff if Cottonwood is not going to hire me. It doesn't seem fair for me to pass up another good opportunity if they are not going to hire me. And if they are going to hire me, they should let me know. It has been over two months...that seems like a long time.

I talked to two of my school psychologist buddies and they both thought it was good for the school district to know that someone else really wants me. Maybe it will help them to hurry up a bit. I hope so!

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You totally handled that correctly, and I hope it lights a fire under them.

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3 hours ago, kayc said:

You totally handled that correctly, and I hope it lights a fire under them.

I think it may have. They just called me, asking me to come in tomorrow to talk about the position. I imagine this is will be a job offer and talking about salary. We made an appointment for tomorrow morning at 8:30.

Thanks for the vote of confidence. I wasn't sure at first it that was the thing to do - I was just too anxious not to do it.

So now I need to figure out how to do a salary negotiation...I have some data. I have a friend who is teaching in the graduate school psychologist program in Flagstaff - at NAU. Maybe he'll have some ideas.

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20 hours ago, Clematis said:

I wasn't sure at first it that was the thing to do

It's always good for a prospective employer to know you are valued and wanted!

I am so excited, I can't wait to hear...I'll be out of town today but will try to get my cell phone to check (it doesn't go on line without WiFi very often, old and funky).

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I got the job... Lena had her first day on the movie set... I am exhausted... Life is good

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Oh Laura, that is wonderful news!  I'm so happy for you!  And Lena!  

congrats.jpg

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2 hours ago, kayc said:

Oh Laura, that is wonderful news!  I'm so happy for you!  And Lena!  

Thanks! It is really wonderful. The first thing that came to my mind this morning when I woke up was..."I have a job!" Then Lena came running in for a snuggle & a treat, and it was a happy start to the day. We went into the kitchen together with me chattering to her about how we have 100% employment in the family.

It is such a relief. I have lived in a state of dread for a decade - fear of losing my job, losing my job, and struggling to make any money I could to survive, which meant playing gigs on the guitar, home health as a social worker, and selling cards of my paintings. I even tried the nursing program at the local community college, doing all the prerequisites and two semesters before deciding nursing wasn't for me. My dad carried me through it financially and we learned to rely on each other. Then I began doing contract work, which was great but entailed very long drives and being away from my father as he declined. Then he died and I was in that car accident. My sisters stopped talking to me as I struggled to deal with his estate and property. Then I lost the contract work that I had on the reservation. But things have turned around, and this is a great outcome after going through all of that. It's hard to believe that I could just live my life without the dread and worry of impending disaster, having one job - a real job - that allows me to use my skills and training to help my community. Just go to work, do a good job, go home, and enjoy my cat. Paint a little. Mess around with clocks. Play the cello...

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