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It's been a year now


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2 hours ago, MartyT said:

It all sounds good, Laura ~ very good! Keep us posted, as we're all pulling for you ;)

Thank you! In 2005, within a month of my mother's death I graduated with my second graduate degree and got a job as a school psychologist in Sedona. I announced to the world that I was going to stay in that position until I retired, but I had no idea the awful things that could happen to a person at work. I coaxed my dad out west in 2006 and all was well. Then my sociopathic boss managed to separate me from my job by eliminating it - to contract out the work.

I thought my life was over - I was a long ways from retirement age, the real estate market tanked, and here I was with my dad out here. What was I to do - sell my house at such a loss that I'd lose my life savings, move to Phoenix and desert my dad? I remember lying on the floor hoping I would just stop breathing and die. My dad promised me that he was not going to let the bottom fall out from under me but I was sure I was in free fall. I wasn't sure I could trust him, but I had no choice. I think he really didn't know when he moved out west if he could trust me as he aged with Parkinson's, but he knew my sisters well enough to know he really didn't have a choice. So he took his chances and came out west, calling it his last big adventure.

So here we found ourselves, leaning on each other over the next years as he declined and I struggled to do the best I could getting contract work and anything I could find. As it turned out, he couldn't have had a more devoted or loyal daughter, and he totally had my back. He carried me financially when I didn't earn enough to make it, and he never complained about having to help me financially. He used to say to me, "I bet you never thought I'd be such a burden on you". I always told him that he was no burden and if he was, it was one I had gladly chosen and the best thing I had done in my life. We had become the best of friends.

When he died, I was in a car accident, and I lost most of my work - all in 2016, I never felt as panicked as I did in 2009, but the uncertainty has been palpable and I wonder what will become of me, driving those killer long hours, wondering every year if I will have enough work the next year to live on, and so on. Lena and I have always been warm, dry, and fed - with a roof over our heads and flowers in the yard, but it has certainly seemed rather dicey.

It would be such a blessed relief to be back in a permanent salaried position, back in the state retirement system, paying into social security and getting health benefits, working from one year into the next and knowing that my work was ensuring my future ability to retire with a roof over my head...

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The school district has already contacted my references and heard back from two of them! And it's only been 24 hours since I turned in my online application...that seems good, huh?

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13 hours ago, Clematis said:

I got a job once- actually twice - due to writing a thank-you letter for a job interview

I've done this also, on my hand made cards.  I used especially artistic ones I'd be proud to hang in an art gallery, not the cutesy kind you see so many of.  One that says you want to be taken seriously. 

I actually have a book on how to get a job as the last three times I lost my job was during the recession when it's hard...add on top of that my age and that makes it even tougher.  Am glad to not need it anymore!

Laura, I am glad you are hearing back, you will land something and I pray it's something you enjoy.

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12 hours ago, kayc said:

Laura, I am glad you are hearing back, you will land something and I pray it's something you enjoy.

Tonight I am worried. Maybe they really just don't like me, and would rather take a chance on a total unknown right out of school than me... I sure miss my dad. He always had my back and when I worried would tell me, "Well I think you're wonderful!" It would always make me feel better. I also knew that he would be there to pick up the pieces and help me out if I got into trouble.

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Laura,

It's normal to have self-doubts when we're in such a vulnerable place such as looking for work.  It's very hard emotionally to go through!  However, what's NOT to like!  We also think you're wonderful and you know what?  Your dad is still saying it...just listen for his voice inside of you...

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On 4/11/2017 at 8:38 PM, MartyT said:

Laura, dear ~ I hope it helps to know that WE think you're wonderful too ~ and we're still pulling for you! ;)

 

14 hours ago, kayc said:

 Your dad is still saying it...just listen for his voice inside of you...

Thank you so much, Marty and Kay! I guess all I can do is wait, and do the best job I can with the work I still have with this district...That and get plenty of sleep and take care of business and myself. Tomorrow is another long drive out to the reservation...

And you're right - my dad is still with me. I feel his confidence more than my own right now. Maybe he can go and put in a good word for me, since he's loose to wander about now.

On another scene, I finally got word that the bank accepted the short-sale offer from my friend Greg's uncle. This is good news for everybody. Good for Greg's uncle - they accepted his original offer and not the higher he gave them a few months later - and he got this news on his birthday today. And a relief for me. There will be some finality to all this. Also, they set a closing date of June 5. That will give me plenty of time to finish getting my dad's and my stuff out and settled.

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Laura,, I'm so glad for you that this will finally be settled.  And with someone you know!  That is great!

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On 4/13/2017 at 4:52 AM, kayc said:

Laura,, I'm so glad for you that this will finally be settled.  And with someone you know!  That is great!

It's a relief to know what will happen and not worry about when and how. But there is still a lot of stuff down there at his house that I will have to figure out what to do with. I also will finally have to say goodbye to my dad's house. He's not there, but it is still a safe place and a keeper of my memories. I miss him every day, and some days even more so. Sometimes I still wonder how I will survive without him, even though I obviously am doing so. There have been some things lately that have really given me a charge and made me happy and excited. And then it's over and I crash back to realizing that he's gone, along with my connection to my family history and the memories and people that filled it. I continue but I still feel lost and being alone seems too much. Maybe that's just how it is... I had no idea

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We had to sell my parent's home to pay for her dementia care.  It took it all, left about $1,200 for my brother, that was it.  They built that home themselves, the entire upstairs was one huge bedroom and there were three more besides.  The buyers fixed it up, added another room the full length upstairs, turned the shop and attic into a beautiful loft apartment.  They restored the hardwood floors, remodeled the bathrooms and kitchen, all new appliances, painted, reroofed.  My parents would have been happy to see it was restored and not torn down.  They put $320,000 into it and have plans to subdivide and put a house in the back yard.  That's probably where they'll recoup their investment.

It's weird how things change.  I still get the urge to call my mom and it's been 2 1/2 years.

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15 hours ago, kayc said:

It's weird how things change.  I still get the urge to call my mom and it's been 2 1/2 years.

I get the urge to call my dad all the time. It is so weird living here surrounded by his stuff and he's not here. I knew I'd miss him but had no idea how much. I know that he missed my mother terribly after she died, but he was never really alone. By the time she died, I was calling him every day of the world and talking to him for at least an hour a day. Then he moved out here and I saw him every day of the world, and talked to him several times a day as well. But there is no one here for me. Except Lena...

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To be fair, I do have some spirit company. My dad seems to never be far from my side, and I am beginning to be aware of my grandfather Jack (mother's dad) around me. My mother idolized him, and he was a pretty amazing guy. He had multiple sclerosis, which mercifully never went beyond his legs. So he lived his adult life in a wheelchair, but had a full and active live, working as an optometrist, writing poetry, and engaging in fishing, photography, target shooting, and bird watching at the log cabin he had built on the Greenbriar River in WV. We spent all our summer vacations there. Jack died when I was seven and so I never got to know him well, but he was a principal figure of my childhood and youth because my mother talked about him so much. Anything about Jack or things that belonged to Jack were automatically precious. I've always been aware of his historical role, and I've had the impression (through my dad since his death) that my mother has been with her dad since she died. But since I started carving I seem to be a lot more aware of Jack's spirit around me. Maybe he's always been there, and maybe it's related to my carving with his knife. It's a funny thing and I don't know much about this. Maybe someone else does...

58f4d9f312826_JackFishing.thumb.JPG.cb60d88c6057dd82283525bd7ce50697.JPG

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You may be one of those that has heightened sensitivity to spirits so that when you touch something that belongs to them, you can sense their spirit.  I've heard of that happening.

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4 hours ago, kayc said:

You may be one of those that has heightened sensitivity to spirits so that when you touch something that belongs to them, you can sense their spirit.  I've heard of that happening.

Seems so...and Jack seems to be a spirit that has some sensitivity to having some of his things touched or used. It really seems like he showed up when I started carving with his knife, and has been kind of guiding me in my carving endeavor. After discovering the box of lures he carved, I suddenly out of the blue got this idea that I am going to carve fishing lures. I heard him and my dad talking about this last night while I was driving to orchestra rehearsal, like they are marveling over this. My dad: "...and she doesn't even fish". Jack: "Yeah, I know..." Me, thinking..."Why does it seem so important all of a sudden that I learn to carve fishing lures? OK, whatever. Sounds like fun..."

I seem to have a pair of ...what-guardian angels? Guardian spirits? My dad and my mother's dad, watching over me and entertaining themselves. They really are kind of funny. I know that they had a lot of respect and affection for each other, but since I was only seven when Jack died, I don't remember much about him - like if they goofed around together like this when Jack was alive. I remember we were always really excited to see him, and all of the other grownups were always acting like he was fragile and we might break him if we got too close to him. My mother only told tales of him as a serious and sensitive intellectual, but I wonder what he was really like...and what he is like now.

As long as I don't have to take up fishing...

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I used to love fishing.  But then I got extremely allergic to fish when my son was born, so there went that.  I tried fishing with gloves on, it's awkward.  But I still loved to be out there when George was fishing.

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I kind of like the idea of fishing, but not the part about actually catching, killing, cleaning and eating the fish. I like fish from the meat department. I like the idea of hanging out in a boat or on the shore messing around with fishing equipment, and the people who like fishing. I like them.

I still am waiting to hear anything about the job. Actually I know a few things. They work on hiring teachers first and then the related services; Speech paths, OT's, PT's and School Psychs. I talked to Amy, the school psych I was covering for in the fall when she was on maternity leave and then backing her up since then. She is the one who is leaving - her position is the one I am applying for. She told me she told the Special Education director she really thinks he should hire me and how she suggests they divide the schools between me and the other School Psych. She also told me that she was told that I am the only applicant. That may change, but she said she thought it would be very strange if they did not  hire me. But it could easily be the end of May before I have a contract in hand...

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There's always catch and release! :)

I'm crossing my fingers for you, Laura!

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 4/23/2017 at 6:42 AM, kayc said:

There's always catch and release! :)

I'm crossing my fingers for you, Laura!

Thanks! Still no news...it's been a month and they haven't said anything about doing interviews. I did ask the Special Ed Director if he had any idea what the timeline was and he said, "We need to do the whole process, but we will definitely be done by the end of the school year - May 22 is the last day. I was hoping that I would get this job and know soon, avoiding pounding the pavement, sweating bullets, and pursuing other positions that I would have no interest in if I land my "dream job". That last makes me feel like I am misleading other schools/districts...but maybe that's not so...

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Looking for a job with a school has got to be one of the hardest positions to apply for because it seems they all come up at once.  If you wait to hear from one job, the others are all going at the same time.  The same is true for the administration, if they hire someone only to have them decline it for another job, they have to hire someone else.  Frustrating for all concerned, but especially for the applicant!

I hope you get it, Laura, you should know soon.

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53 minutes ago, MartyT said:

That goes for all of us, Laura. You have an entire tribe here pulling for you

Thanks Marty and Kay! I am so exhausted. Driving out to the reservation is SO tiring. I love the kids, the school, the people, the place, but driving three hours each way to work - even once or twice a week is really really hard. I just can't get enough sleep to feel rested. And I have to complete my work for the district where I am doing contract work as a school psych, and hoping for that job. Although they haven't set a date for a formal interview, I view everything I do for them at this point as a prolonged interview. So I am trying to do my very best at everything when I want to just go to bed and stay there for the summer. And then there are these three other districts that I am in communication with about work for next year plus the school on the reservation - if I don't get the salaried job, I will need these others as backups so that I have enough contract work to get by.

Also, my dad's house is closing on June 5 and there is still a ton of stuff there to deal with. And I still miss my dad every day and that wears upon me - I still feel like I am staggering along. Yesterday I was talking to a woman at the reservation school where I am working. She has been SO friendly and nice to me since the moment I met her; when I was introduced to her as a social worker, she jumped up and threw her arms around me, and we have had lunch together every day I have been out there. She is from a neighboring tribe, and not the one where the school is. She is about my age and is struggling through the same family problems that I have had since my dad died, although her mom (for whom she is caring) is still alive.

This lovely woman, a SpEd teacher, and I were talking about a student we both work, and she sort of tossed in there a bit in the way of friendly advice. She said I should be careful talking about someone having "died" or being "dead". She said something about telling kids that a person was "sleeping" or some other lingo. I had talked to her about my dad's spirit talking to me and that he didn't like my saying he was "gone" - I kept hearing him say "I'm not gone - I'm right here!" Anyway, we kept talking about talking about the dead and the words, and I finally realized what she was telling me..."Oh, you're not just talking about what words to use, but the whole topic of a person being dead." She said yes, and now I am really confused. I asked her if I had said the wrong thing to someone and she said Oh no - she was just giving me some information.

When I was at the other school in previous years, working as a school counselor at at K-6 school, the kids and I had made a wall poster of "Springtime", with each person adding paper animals, paper animals, etc out of origami or cutouts to the piece, which originally covered the entire door to the counseling room. I cutout and pasted a little bunny onto a cloud on the sky. The kids, who will point up toward the sky in reference to someone who has passed away, totally got that this was my mother, who was probably from the Rabbit Clan. That was good for little kids, but these kids are older. The topic comes up, and as their counselor I am supposed to talk to them about difficult things if that is what they need or want. I vaguely recall something about how these people believe that a person passes and goes on a journey and one is not supposed to interfere with their path by paying too much attention to them, because it calls them back - and away from their journey. On the other hand they clearly believe that the person who has passed frequently stays with a survivor who still needs them. I don't know what to do. There is this woman and also another teacher of the same age who have talked to me about elderly people in their families who have died or are close. This seems to have been good for them and me, but I don't want to do the wrong thing. I don't want to pry about their beliefs, but not say the wrong thing either. Maybe I should just ask them since they have been rather open with me...

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2 hours ago, Clematis said:

I don't want to pry about their beliefs, but not say the wrong thing either. Maybe I should just ask them since they have been rather open with me...

I think it's important to have some knowledge and understanding of the culture you're immersed in, Laura, but also to recognize that each person within that culture may have his or her own individual interpretation of that culture's values and beliefs. See, for example, Understanding Cultural Issues in Death

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I was just about to reply something similar when I see Marty adeptly covered it already!   :)

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On 5/6/2017 at 9:05 AM, kayc said:

I was just about to reply something similar when I see Marty adeptly covered it already!   :)

It's hard to know what to do...ordinarily I don't feel this kind of trepidation, but I know that the Hopi are very private and many of their customs, traditions, and beliefs are secrets. There is a long history of their trust in people being violated and their secrets exposed, and so many people are wary. I try very hard to ask the right questions to get to the clinical questions and issues without asking questions that would reveal things that kids are not supposed to talk about. Usually by the time kids get to initiation age (12 or 13) they know what things are secrets and how to avoid talking about them. Perhaps working with Jr and Sr High school students as I am now is not as treacherous as working with younger kids because even though they have more information they should know how to talk around it...

For example, a fifth grade boy started a topic once by talking about his grandmother washing his hair and I guessed that this was a ritual, maybe around initiation. I suggested that to him and asked him to talk about his feelings around what was happening. Once a very smart second grade girl started telling me about a group of people sitting around a table handling a number of items. I figured out that she was hoping I could tell her what they were doing and that it was related to a sacred ritual. I suggested this to her - that they were working on something secret right in front of her as you would a small child, with no explanation, and she agreed. I felt on more solid ground then, because I realized that she was frustrated about being cut out of an adult conversation. That is a universal experience - feeling hurt and angry at being treated as a child, and wanting the truth. I didn't need any details.

This seems very different because I believe that missing an important person in one's family who has died is very normal and universal. But part of their belief system is that missing and yearning for the loved one too much or for too long pulls them away from their spiritual path to another world, and so that is not good. I really don't know what to say to these kids; I want to help them but I don't want to say something that conflicts with their belief system, and the students I see all are in special education. Some of them only have learning disabilities that do not affect their involvement with their cultural customs and beliefs, but some have cognitive impairments and/or really dysfunctional families that are not able to be very supportive of children in distress. I think it would probably be good to talk to my new friend out there - the one who said this to me and with whom I have been eating lunch. I think since she is from a neighboring tribe she would be close enough to be knowledgeable but distant enough to understand that my interest is in helping the kids and not as intrusive. I go out there tomorrow and will give that a try...

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