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Shock and Awe after two years...


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Kevin and Kay, sounds like you guys are getting the heat we usually have here. For the past 2 weeks the nights have been unusually cooler for end of July, first of August. Multiple nights in the 50's and one morning my digital thermometer showed 59.6. That NEVER happens this time of year. Days have been in the 80's, about 10 degrees under the norm. Kay, your temps sound more like Phoenix than the Northwest.

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Well, living in Louisiana, we are just happy when a breeze blows over our always sweat drenched clothes.  And yet I lived at least 25 years w/o AC.  I remember visiting the old relatives with the high ceilings, porches all around the big old unpainted wood houses Windows with screens always open, big trees all around, and the well at the corner back porch, galvanised dipper that everyone drank out of and the coldest water, except from the underground springs.  Not even electric fans.  Not sure there was even electricity.  Damn I'm old.  This was very rural country.

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This is the double whammy week(Anniversaries for Passing and Marriage)......but a positive Spin......My anniversary is today......had to double think but it would be 33 years.....Had a couple quiet Beers and had some smiles...Keeping everything low key.......

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Sorry Kevin, we are all missing our better half.  We kept it low key, even on our 50th.  Billy thought it funny cause I forgot to get him a card.  I made him one, but I am glad we never made a big thing over celebrations.  There was a reason behind all of this, but you all can be happy my little 10 inch Kindle with a separate keyboard slows me down.  A couple beers sound good.

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We were up to 110, 100s all week, now it's 90s.  Some of your smoke is down here, affecting everyone's allergies, it's made me worried about you and how you're doing.  

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Our 48th was 6/27. I took Susan's sister Emily and her husband sailing and we talked about my love. Susan had a paper sun hat that we always joked about getting wet. I was going to throw it into the harbor but Emily said she would like it. 

I would always say that our anniversary numbers were too high and we couldn't possible be that old, so I divided by 2. I would have been claiming that it was really our 24th, but nobody to play with.

Best wishes Kevin and to all with anniversaries - seems there are so many.

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15 hours ago, kevin said:

This is the double whammy week(Anniversaries for Passing and Marriage)......but a positive Spin......My anniversary is today......had to double think but it would be 33 years.....Had a couple quiet Beers and had some smiles...Keeping everything low key.......

Sorry I missed it, I usually come on early am.  Low key is good, lots of memories...

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Back to the topic of Shock and Awe...

I honestly don't know how most of you do it.  You had years, some have had multiple decades with the love of your life, while I only had 7 months, this time around. Yet everything still jolts me. Triggers everywhere. Yesterday I was feeding the horses, and got caught up in a memory that Dana wanted to take my horse, Rebel Lady.  She had expressed several times that she felt out-of-place in her town in Texas because she didn't have horses, and didn't know how to ride.  Well, we got her some riding lessons on her visit here, and she made great friends with Reb.  For some reason my horse which doesn't like anyone, was putty for Dana.  I was astounded and so pleased, and we started talking about what it would take to send Rebel from NC to Texas.  She already had neighbors who boarded horses, so it looked like a sure thing, until her accident.  Then we put the horse plan on hold.

Besides that, there are daily reminders in music we loved, hated & shared, news events we discussed, books that are quoted, and the list goes on.  We only had 7 months, but we shared everything we could think of in that time.  Shoot, I still have a bar of Dove soap I bought for her visit in my shower.  I get misty every time I bathe (and she would have loved the double meaning there, being a writer, poet and editor).  I can't do much of anything without thinking of her.

I hate weekends, because there's too much time to think.  My work is almost all-consuming, and between a nearly hour's drive each way, and working over 50 hours a week, I get through the work week fairly well. But weekends are excruciating.  I am losing the house, either through foreclosure or short-sale, depending upon who gets here first. Yet I can't find the strength or will to do anything to make that passage easier.  I am practically paralyzed here.  Still experiencing shock and awe.

I have so much respect for those of you with years and years of memories with your love, and hurt so much for you, in how much you must ache every day. I have a big disappointment in myself, that I will probably express soon, in another topic. Thanks for listening.

Dave

PS, I never cared for Rebel before, but I sweet-talk her now. What a difference love can make.

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Dave, I believe love has no bounds or time restrictions.  Whether it is 7 months, 7 years or 70 years, the intimate bonds we cultivate bring us together and keep us together.  The only way I survive is trying to live in today. One day at a time.  Grieving is a process that will take a lifetime.  MartyT, is teaching us to learn, cope, adapt, and grow through this grief journey.  I am learning how to take care of myself as well as I took care of my wife, and her mother.  I still miss my wife, Rose Anne, every day.  Over time, I've realized she is just a part of my heart.  I still have those grief triggers and thoughts, and life moments.  I strive to remember all of the wonderful times we did have together.  Those memories will far outlast the shock and awe of her sudden and unexpected death.  I am still working on accepting life as it is now and not how I want it to be.  Most days, I can breathe again and i have a hope and a future and a few goals.  Learning to move forward on this grief healing journey.  - Shalom

 

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Dave,

It really isn't about how many years we got, it's about the quality of love, the relationship we had.  George and I connected instantly, starting as friends, developing into more eventually.  The bond was such that I couldn't imagine not having him in my life once we met.  I've never experienced anything close to this level before or since.  

I imagine those that spent 50 years or so together have deeply ingrained habits, rituals, traditions, who did what, etc. that are very hard to get used to those changes.  I've always taken care of myself so it wasn't alien to me to do so again.  However, it's amazing how interdependent we became in those short few years!  I got USED to being able to talk things over with him, share in all of life with him, and I still find that absence so noticeable!  

I love hearing about her closeness to your horse.  Even with the distance separating you, you still had such connection.  I find comfort knowing that death does not end our love, it continues even now.

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I am sorry for your loss Dave.  With a great love the amount of time we have together is never enough.  How could it be when you are so incredibly in love...

19 months ago I started this journey and I feel many of the same things you describe.  The part about your Rebel Lady brought years to my heart and eyes.

❤️ I will be praying for you.

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On 8/6/2017 at 4:19 PM, DaveM said:

Back to the topic of Shock and Awe...

I honestly don't know how most of you do it.  You had years, some have had multiple decades with the love of your life, while I only had 7 months, this time around. Yet everything still jolts me....

Dave,  I was one week shy of one year with my love. I lost him one month ago. I was first widowed in 2008 and now again one month ago...It is actually harder this time around because we were SO in love and had never experienced anger nor disillusionment between the two of us. We were still discovering each other and so delighted and excited in doing so. We just got stronger and more in love every day. There was nothing to get angry at, nothing that I can say "well at least I don't have to deal with that anymore" (I know that sounds horrible but I had those thoughts  in the back of my mind when my husband died, I'm sure it was a way my brain was trying to protect me from so much pain).  I am currently still discovering things about my recent lost love and it is so painful to not have him to ask questions or clarify things I am learning.

I KNOW he loved me more than anyone in his life ever - his friends, coworkers, sisters, parents- they all tell me this now and even told me this before he died. But we just didn't have enough time together....I feel you deeply.

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Thanks, George, Kay, Marita and Peanutbritt. I appreciate the support more than I can express.  And Peanutbritt, I too know that she loved me greatly. At one point she told me that she absolutely trusted me, and that I made her happier than any other man in her past. She felt we were going to be true partners.  We had been a couple 33 years ago, and we only parted in large part because I stupidly took a job hundreds of miles away.  Back then long distance calling was a hefty charge, and all we had was snail mail.  We both wrote a lot at first, and visited each other when we could, but distance did us in.  When I found her last May, within 2 weeks we were giggly and in love all over again. Even better this time than before.

And like you described, we had not yet experienced anger between us.  We were not together enough yet to get to a point of argument or absolute disagreement. Now we did have differing political, religious and other opinions, but we debated.  We allowed the other to to disagree. I have to say that because we listened to each other, and paid attention, I am coming around to her side in a couple of our differences. We would have been such a great team.

 

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We agreed on most things too.  George was the more understanding of us two.  Our views were the same.  I felt I learned so much from him, he was so caring and compassionate.

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Sometimes, Life just throws curve balls. 

I visited my Dad last night and brought dinner.  He is doing reasonably well. We are still waiting on the test results from last week's kidney biopsy.

My Dad told me that he left his home to my sister because she has a family and I was never married??? What?

I said, "Dad, we were married for twenty five years". He said, "Yes, but you didn't have any children".

In the past, he told me that he made my sister the Executor of his will ( I used to be).  I didn't think it bothered me ... but it does.

The weather has cooled down to the 80's and is more manageable.  My way of eating is still on track and steadily losing about 1-2 lbs  a week.  I need to go find some smaller clothes :rolleyes: - Shalom

 

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George, I signed everything over to my sister.  There was nothing in that house I wanted and if my sister can ever get out from under the debt, she needs it to live.  I am taken care of and she needs it.  I think your dad sounds a little mixed up.  Well now you do not have to let your sister make you feel guilty.  I'll bet Glen Campbell's large family wars for years.  Glen doesn't have to worry about it.  They have been in court for years now.  Good luck to you on it.  In a way, it is a weight off you.  

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George I think I know how you feel.  I'm sorry that your Dad is not thinking as clearly as he did in the past.  I don't know if it helps to think that it isn't really him making decisions.  

Like the loss of your darling wife, your life experiences are making you into a different person, the loss of your father's memory has made him a different person also.  I doubt he is trying to hurt you, he is seeing and hearing things that his brain is processing in a different way.  Even though you are not the Executor or the beneficiary of his home it doesn't mean you are mistrusted or unworthy.  

I think you are a loving son who is very dedicated to your father.  I wish that your father could tell you how much he loves and respects you.  You have been a great son and if he could tell you that and tell you he is proud of you I'm sure you would feel better.  If your bride was here with you she would remind you about all your great qualities and all you have done to be a loving son.  She might also tell you that your sister has not been appreciative of all you do, and that she may not be acting or speaking to your father or you with a clear conscience.

So sorry for the additional hurt you are feeling.  You haven't done anything wrong.  I know you have that kindness in your heart that is struggling with all that is happening.  ❤️

I hope you continue to do well with your eating plan and that the passage of time and a clear conscience brings you some comfort.  Prayers coming your way ? with hugs.

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12 hours ago, iPraiseHim said:

Sometimes, Life just throws curve balls. 

I visited my Dad last night and brought dinner.  He is doing reasonably well. We are still waiting on the test results from last week's kidney biopsy.

My Dad told me that he left his home to my sister because she has a family and I was never married??? What?

I said, "Dad, we were married for twenty five years". He said, "Yes, but you didn't have any children".

In the past, he told me that he made my sister the Executor of his will ( I used to be).  I didn't think it bothered me ... but it does.

The weather has cooled down to the 80's and is more manageable.  My way of eating is still on track and steadily losing about 1-2 lbs  a week.  I need to go find some smaller clothes :rolleyes: - Shalom

 

George,

Of course it bothers you.  He discounted your marriage of 25 years without even realizing it.  I hope you can accept that he isn't thinking clearly.  My mom left everything to my brother and nothing to us five daughters.  That stung.  I asked for my dad's picture, nope, went to my brother.  The heirloom rocking chair (my brother's children are older but my son and his wife were expecting), nope, brother wanted it.  My mom's Bible, never got a response.  I would have like her purse, it was hand tooled with deer on it, it needed relaced as the lacing was broken, I would have found someone to do it or figured out how to do it myself.  It had special meaning both as a token of my parents' love (my dad had it custom made for her) and because I was born on their deer hunting trip.  Nope, never found out what became of it, probably thrown away, my brother not knowing the history of it.

I know these are just "things" and I've lived without them all my life and will continue to do so.  But to me it sent the message that us girls were valueless, she didn't appreciate us, the only one that mattered was the boy.  That stung.  

I've had to remind myself that she treated us girls just like she felt her parents treated her, like she didn't matter, only the boys did.  But I don't think that's true of her dad, he showed he cared time and again.  And of course, they never cut her out of their will.  But for whatever reason she was born mentally off and her responses were inappropriate (a nice way of putting it) all her life.  She was not in her right mind.  None of us kids were ever privy to her will or distribution of assets, the only one that saw anything was my brother.  I suppose we could have contested it, but what good would that do?  It still wouldn't make us feel valued by her.

I don't want the job of Executor of will for someone, but I'm listed as such for two siblings.  Ugh.  If I can't even clean out my own place by myself, how am I going to do two other homes especially when I'm clear across the state?  

Our weather was in the 100s last week, 90s this week, but now is very humid, makes it feel way hotter.  I got stung by a wasp Tuesday and had an allergic reaction, so am trying to get through that.  I never knew one sting could be so bad!

Glad you're still losing weight.  I suppose I should look it up and try it, been putting it off...  I applaud your tenacity!

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I visited my Dad and shared dinner this afternoon.  He told me again that I didn't have a family like my sister with her two children and four grand kids.

This is beginning to bug me....

I went to a viewing tonight of a good friend's oldest brother. The funeral is tomorrow.

...and today marks 2 & 1/2 years, (30 months) since my beloved Rose Anne died.

Shalom

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I just made out a New Will,named Executor and all that....the distribution was the easiest decision.....4 kids, 25% each...............nothing is Merit or Carrot driven...People go a bit funny sometimes about Wills.....

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George,

I'm sorry your dad says things without thinking about how they sound to you.  I know it stings.  What, it's supposed to make you feel better to be told you don't have a family?  What the hell is he?  I'm sorry, I don't get people sometimes.  And that it's exactly 2 1/2 years...that just drives it home all the more.   (((hugs)))

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George:  My heart goes out to you.  He sounds a lot like my mom was...saying thoughtless things, just throwing them out there.  I have to believe family is whoever you have connection to.  I have lost my sweet John (2 and 2 months also) and my son pretty much because he has a possessive wife.  It is now down to me and my daughter as bio family and she has a life of her own to get on with.  I look to friends for family mostly but it stings not having John here, which I imagine is the case for you missing your dear wife.  Take care, Cookie

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