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I'm not even thinking marriage if there is anything after death.  I just want to see him again!  Any way to reconnect with the person I loved most in this life.  If we retain some kind of form, I want to see those eyes and that smile.  If it's just energy, I want to feel his and he mine.  

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I think when we pass from this life to the next, we still remember and love each other, and we still have our personalities and what makes us who we are, we connected here, why wouldn't we connect there?  Only makes sense to me!  I really don't worry about exes, we have our own connection and they don't add or subtract from that.  I also think we won't have the jealousies, possessiveness that we sometimes experience here because things will be better.

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Kay, I did say that in jest.  But, I'm sure you know that.  I want to believe like I always believed.

BIBLE SPOKE HERE

Paul says in 1 Corinthians 13:12, "For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I shall know just as I also am known" (NKJ). That last phrase, "I shall know just as I also am known" would indicate that we shall know others as well as be known by others. 

Billy helped me the most with my faith, but he also was the most questioning of my faith.  I would always tell him I did not want to think any otherwise than how I was taught.  I asked him, what would it gain me to start questioning what I was taught?  Why would I want to question it?  I am satisfied with what I believe, so why would I want to look into it scientifically?  He was one who had questions.  In the end though, I have no doubt that he knew. 

There are others who have looked into it broadly.  They have questioned it over and over.  And, some of those that do question it otherwise come back to the above.  I cannot argue religion.  We are not supposed to on this forum.  Your belief is yours.  My belief is mine.  I cannot and will not try to change yours and if I am comfortable believing as I do, then mine won't change.  

We won't any of us know what happens after death until we experience it ourselves.  Until then, we believe as we believe.  

And, you all know me as a very imperfect person, so no one is subject to believe like I do.  

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2 hours ago, Marg M said:

 We won't any of us know what happens after death until we experience it ourselves.  Until then, we believe as we believe.  
 

You hit the nail on the head there, Marg. It's that simple.

In my case, I just feel like there is so much we don't know about life itself and certainly even less about what happens after death. I have to live this new life with some sense of hope. Some sense that my life will again have meaning and hope that Tammy and I will be together again, in some way.

For now, I just take each day as it comes and live it to the best of my ability, although my abilities aren't as good as they were before Tammy died.

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Speaking of imperfect.....well we all know that have read my story imperfect certainly applies to me! My guilt of the affair has made me have feelings of guilt for his death. My feelings are terribly confused. I try to figure out why I fell so hard and loved soemone so much whom I wasn't supposed to. I have had some moments of peace here and there lately, but I also have panic attacks that strike suddenly that make me not want to leave my bed sometimes. Sometimes I will just be working and out of nowhere I think of every conversation we ever had and it breaks me down and I try to start figuring it out all over again. 

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Marg and Mitch, you spoke it so well.  

Numb and Lost, you're doing this all on your own, so I hope you'll at least see a doctor about your panic attacks and get help with them.

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28 minutes ago, kayc said:

Marg and Mitch, you spoke it so well.  

Numb and Lost, you're doing this all on your own, so I hope you'll at least see a doctor about your panic attacks and get help with them.

I am. I'm actually on a few different medications for the anxiety and depression and I feel no shame lol. The meds help but every day is still such a struggle. Just a struggle to make it one day to the next. 

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The wondering about what will happen when I pass has caused me to be a person I do not know and do not like.  Now that I have figured out what topics set the other me in motion I do my very best to avoid them.  Sometimes it works and then other times it doesn't and the tormented me reveals a selfish narcissistic shrew.  Spending time alone at least prevents the world from the worst of my grief.  I sure don't want to live the rest of my life without him.  He made me a better person.  I'm almost 60 and my parents lived into their 90's.  30 more years of this is not something to look forward to.

There have been many times in the last 13 months where following him seems like the salve for my pain.  I have called 911 and the crisis lines because I don't want to leave my son (29 yrs old) in the same way his Dad did.  Obsessing about suicide is something that I have done for many years.   Life is hard but death is unknown.  I struggle to find balance.  

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Marita, I was so worried about both my kids and suicide which sometimes goes along with bipolar.  My son telling me he did not want to live. (After he came so close to death in a drug gunfight, he never told me that again.)  I worried about my teenaged daughter and talked to her doc who worked in my hospital.  He told me if that was on her mind then I could do nothing about it.  Don't tell a mom that.  That same doc killed himself soon afterwards.  I was hooked on amphetamines (legal) but they became illegal and I had been on them seven years by prescription.  I hit Billy in the head, destroyed new furniture and hit a bleeder cutting my wrist before Billy could stop me.  I wound up on psych ward.  I wanted to follow Billy not many months ago, but you are throwing a worry on me I have not seen in awhile.  Billy was worried by a young coworker whose own dad had committed suicide.  Th 20-something boy called him at 2:00 am one morning and Billy ran to his apartment.  He had shot himself with a shotgun in the stomach and was gone.  Drugs are bad,  We do not know if my only grandson is alive or not.  He is somewhere in California lost to all his family.  Drugs made me suicidal.  Cancer made me fight to live  Life is ironic that way.  I hope you find a reason to live.  My heart, hopes, and prayers are with you.  So many of us have lost our will to fight.  I hope you find yours.

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Marge,

I do not know if my son is alive or not.  He answers nobody.  He is in California somewhere.  He was very depressed about  his 2 hip replacements and back surgery.  This was from a fall from high power poles.  

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I'm so sorry Gin.  My daughter-in-law writes me because I went through the same thing with her ex-husband, my son.  He always had some friend that he would be staying at their house.  Of course drugs were involved.  One time I came in and he was laying on a futon, roaches everywhere and he was skin and bones.  He came around mainly because he respected his dad so much.  We got rid of the RV and provided him a home with his own bath.  He would shut himself off and got off them by himself.  One time he told his dad he was going downtown.  Billy said, okay but don't come back here.  He didn't leave.  Billy drove him to college and went to get him each day.  I went back to work. I hope you find him soon.  I know it tears you up.

 

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Gin, I'm sorry you don't hear from your son.  I have a daughter I don't hear from and I worry about her.  Once a parent, always a parent I guess.

8 hours ago, Widowedbysuicide said:

 I'm almost 60 and my parents lived into their 90's.  30 more years of this is not something to look forward to.

Please fight the urge to go there...one day at a time is enough.  I was 52 when George died and my family lives well into their 90s too, I learned not to look at "the next forty years", it was too much.  One day at a time I'll make my way through this.

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Marg I'm sorry that my comments were not worded better.  Sometimes I find it really difficult to express my thoughts in a clear manner.  Write and rewrite.  Wish I could rewrite the last 13+ months ? Although I think that this current life is not worth it or too painful to live I can not subject my son to the horror of another parent committing suicide.  Trust me, I know it is not easy living with all of the repercussions of being a survivor of your spouse's suicide.  But to have both parents do that would push him over the edge.  I will not be that cruel and that is why I seek help when I start to think about joining my husband. 

My struggle for balance is more about being the person I can be proud to be.  The me that is the nasty itch with a isn't something that I am proud of.  My husband helped me in so many ways, one of which was helping me to assert myself in a way that I was not upset about but got my point across.  With him gone it is not easy to 'play nice'.  It is easy to be agressive and lash out, however; I need to redirect my energy to something constructively satisfying. 

I have all of the following to live for and to do - my son, ??,???, ??, ?, ?, and sewing.

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My grandparents and aunts/uncles that have passed lived to be 80-90. My parents were the youngest of their families. I've had quite a few relatives pass on all in that range. That's a long time from 33:(I am trying to do as KayC said and not think so much about the future. It makes it even more overwhelming when I do. I am still struggling with acceptance terribly in a way I can't find words to describe. I just don't feel like he can really be gone. 

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Marita,

I was married 3 times.   I was married for 31 years to the first one.  Divorced.  Met my second one at a Christian support group.  He was a minister with lots of problems, that I was not aware if.  Maybe I was but did not want to see them.  Only 1 1/2 years and he took his life.  The devastation was horrible.  Of course I blamed myself for not picking up on it.  His whole family and friends blamed me, also.  I went thru a lot of counselling.  I was a mess.  I had the advantage of having a job and got support there.  I kept "telling" him, "why couldn't you leave me in a regular way?"    Get a divorce if you didn't want to be with me.  I finally understood that he was not running away from me.  He was running away from the pain he felt.  At that point, he was not thinking about what it would do to those he loved.   Marita, you have it so much worse.  I had no children with him.  I met Al around 6 yrs. later and  he was such a blessing to me- my soul mate.  Focus on your son and be strong for him.  You are in my prayers, Marita. I know what a hard time this is for you.

 

 

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Thanks Marita.  I needed to hear that.  I needed to read that.  One of my best friends, her daughter just had two strokes.  She has lupus.  She is my son's friend.  My friend is supposed to be at home taking care of her brother, taking him to therapy for his cancer. She lost her husband 18 years ago, they had had a fuss, they were still young but she had to be at cancer surgery for a newborn grandbaby.  He died from brain aneurysm during the night.  Beautiful woman has gone 18 years with their parting angry.  She has never gotten over it. My other friend, her daughter just survived another stroke (now these are young people to me), they are my children's age.  But she was already bedridden from another stroke.  And my friend takes care of a grandson that is probably in his 30's now, with MS, has been full care since birth.  Getting old sure is not a picnic.  I would like to say "aint" but since I am only 75% redneck, I'll hold back.  All God's Chillens got troubles. 

 

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18 hours ago, Gin said:

Marita,

I was married 3 times.   I was married for 31 years to the first one.  Divorced.  Met my second one at a Christian support group.  He was a minister with lots of problems, that I was not aware if.  Maybe I was but did not want to see them.  Only 1 1/2 years and he took his life.  The devastation was horrible.  Of course I blamed myself for not picking up on it.  His whole family and friends blamed me, also.  I went thru a lot of counselling.  I was a mess.  I had the advantage of having a job and got support there.  I kept "telling" him, "why couldn't you leave me in a regular way?"    Get a divorce if you didn't want to be with me.  I finally understood that he was not running away from me.  He was running away from the pain he felt.  At that point, he was not thinking about what it would do to those he loved.   Marita, you have it so much worse.  I had no children with him.  I met Al around 6 yrs. later and  he was such a blessing to me- my soul mate.  Focus on your son and be strong for him.  You are in my prayers, Marita. I know what a hard time this is for you.

 

 

Gin, my heart goes out to you.  I was married to a 1) wife-beater/cheater.  He got three women pregnant while married to me, 1 had his child, the other had an abortion, and me?  He beat mine out of me. :(  2) my kids's dad 23 years, no love lost on me, controlling and lied to me throughout our marriage, the great pretender, a hypocrite.  With all that said, I still care about him, I understand him, I just found it hard to live with.  3) George...the only one who loved me and got me...we could always relate to each other, my true soulmate.  4) the con artist that took me for over $50,000 (ran up my credit) and lived with two different women while married to me...but never lived with me.  Which one do you think I'm keeping to go through eternity with?!  George!  I think I'll know and get along with my kids' dad, he'll have to quit pretending by then.  The other two I don't think will be there.  I could be surprised, but it's a big place, they can stay on the other side if by chance they make it.  Don't wish them ill, just don't wish to see them.

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KayC Im sorry that you went through the bad ones to find the perfect one, and then lost him :(

I feel like he isn't gone, like he can't be. My mind just keeps on and on trying to figure it out even though there isn't anything to figure out. I just can't accept him not being here, my mind isn't understanding it today. It doesn't make sense.

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I think it's helped me to understand that he ISN'T "gone", he's in another place and we'll be together again.  I honestly don't know how people handle it when they think you just end and that's it.  This is the only thing I've found on the subject:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/ali-a-rizvi/atheists-death_b_4134439.html

 Still not sure I get it.

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KayC

All the wonders that she talked about were brought about by God. Nothing so perfect could have just happened. I believe there is a heaven because the Bible says so. Yes it is an ancient book that has been read by millions and millions of people for many many years. No one has been able to disprove what it says. If I didn't believe that there was a heaven, this life would not be worth living. What is the use if this is all there is.  I don't understand it all but God's ways are not our ways and he promises that one day we will see clearly what we can't see now. The old song says We will understand it better by and by.

 I don't know for sure if a person goes right  to heaven when they die. Most people believe they do, based on the fact that Jesus told the thief, Today thou shall be with me in Paradise. And the bible says To be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord.  I hope they do, that my husband is there with my relatives and his. He had a brother die in July 2016 and he was grieving for him so bad. He would call his name during his sleep. I know Jesus will be there because he said he was going to prepare a place for us.

I am not a Bible scholar, but I have been told that the best book of the Bible that you should read first if you are not sure what to believe is John and then go back to Matthew, Mark and Luke.   I really hope this helps. I understand how you feel. I think we all do.   I will tell you about an experience that I had years ago when someone I loved had been killed in an auto crash. One morning, half asleep in my mind I said, If I just knew where he was!. At that moment my shoulder became very cold and then someone pulled the blanket up over me and I became warm. I did not see the person but I felt a presence beside my bed and I believe it was my friend. I had a friend whose mother had died and she had gone to bring her clothes home from the nursing home and all of a sudden she smelled her Mother's perfume very strong. And two days before Valentine's day I found a heart shaped rock on my husband's grave while I was raking it smooth.  Maybe God allowed this to happen to comfort us, I don't know but I sure hope it was. I also left  a dime at my friend's grave and the very next day I found one right beside my car. I have a small drawer filled with dimes that I have found in some of the most unlikely places. And sometimes when I was troubled and when I needed comforting.  Also usually when I tell someone they find a dime in a few days. dimes where they weren't before like in the floor at their house.  One last story and I will close. I was staying with my mother, she was very sick. She had just moved into a new mobile home. I was cooking her supper and the dryer buzzed. I had a skillet with oil in it on the stove and I forgot about it and went to the dryer and then in my mother's bedroom to put some clothes up. Suddenly the fire alarm went off and I remembered the skillet of oil. I ran to the kitchen and smoke was everywhere. I grabbed the skillet and just as I did it caught fire and was flaming up to the cabinets. I said the most earnest prayer in my life." Dear God in Heaven help me.  I didn't know what to do. I turned to the sink and ran water in the flaming skillet and the flames shot up the curtains and went out. I believe God answered my sincere fervent prayer.

 

 

 

 

 

hheart.thumb.jpg.dd927aa9ced5b3d0098bafe883c0da35.jpg

The rock I found at my husband's grave on Sun before Valentine's Day.

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7 hours ago, kayc said:

I think it's helped me to understand that he ISN'T "gone", he's in another place and we'll be together again.  I honestly don't know how people handle it when they think you just end and that's it.  This is the only thing I've found on the subject:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/ali-a-rizvi/atheists-death_b_4134439.html

 Still not sure I get it.

That's what I keep telling myself too. I don't know how they handle it either that's the only thing that gets me through. 

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